Hey, we’re huggin here!
An open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.
As usual for these threads: no trolls, no arguments.
Posted on June 19, 2014, in off topic, open thread. Bookmark the permalink. 580 Comments.
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Who can predict the future? Predicting major illness isn’t exactly anyone’s talent. Your comment rubbed me the wrong way, because it seemed to be ignoring the real problems that have happened, the effects on the whole family, and his refusal to talk about things now. This is about what’s happening now, and no consulting with the people also affected meant no chance to plan.
I’m sorry, Marie, I don’t want an argument (least of all in an open thread).
@unimaginative
yeah, everyone does experience depresison differently, cuz mine is like ‘fine fine fine fine FUCKING STOP EVERTHING’. your experience isn’t the only one out htere.
Yeah, thanks but that wasn’t the actual bit i quoted I was being defensive about. It wasn’t ‘oh hay tracey I have problem with everything you said’ and I wasnt reading it as ‘you suck depressed person’ i just don’t think expecting a wanring is always possible with depression.
…and ninjaed by Unimaginative, who said it much better, which is a double ninja!
Marie, she never said it was always possible: it’s how it happened.
But without warning isn’t the only way, and your experience isn’t universal either.
@kittehs
FFS, I was “Ignoring” the other parts because I do not have any fucking advice and have no idea what to do. Do I have to clarify that every single time I only respond to part of someones comment?
@kittehs
okay your last comment makes 0 sense to me. so um…what?
Not always, not even often. But sometimes, yes.
I was responding to you saying Unimaginative’s experience isn’t universal. Neither is yours: how do you know it applies here? Tracy’s comment wasn’t about you but two people have felt you’re getting defensive about it, when it wasn’t an attack or a Ur Doin Depression Rong in any way.
Marie, I’m going to have lunch now. I’m sorry to have said anything: I don’t want to distress you but it sounds like that’s what I’ve achieved. I apologise for that.
@kittehs
Yeah, I didn’t think it was a fucking attack or a ‘ur doing depression rong’ but thanks for not acutally reading what I said.
Because seriously all I’ve been trying to say was I don’t know if it’s far to blame him (Which I don’t even know if tracy was doing, i couldn’t tell from teh phrasing) for not giving a heads up on not beign able to work from being fucking depressed.
ugh and I’m sorry for stirring shit up here. I don’t even think I mad eany sense.
I’m just a fucking wreck today.
Sorry agin.
Yeah, I’m not doing great either, today.
Mutual sorry and hugs?
@kittehs
mutual sorry at least
I’m not mad at you. I just don’t want virtual hugs right now
I’m hugging both of you! And giving the cats cuddles from both of you. :)
Okay, the hugs can go in the barrel for later.
::accepts pallygirl and kitty hugs::
Anyone else really disappointed by this commercial: http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=kp&v=FczvmLnBTEs
And when did “V” become the generally acceptable way to refer to female genitalia?
I’ve never heard of V before, but I do find a lot of terms differ depending on country.
I got this one linked for me today, I did find it funny:
Oh god, I just died. That was magical.
No-one threw me a first moon party. :( I feel so deprived.
@Ally S
I just read the previous thread. I literally have no words.
If the letter idea is not feasible, I wonder if getting your sister a cheap pre-configured chinese tablet as a present in order to have a small line of communication with her is a good idea.
By the way… I am reading your blog and I can safely say…
You are an amazing person and a great writer. Don’t let anyone tell you anything different (and that includes yourself)
@Marie
I had a bout with depression a few years back. It’s nasty and insidious. I tried to get psychological help from my hospital’s resident psychologist. It ended up blowing on my face, because my department’s administrator alerted my father, who was a really big name in the hospital at the time. I’d rather not describe what happened next.
Apparently, the problem was not that I was seeing a psychologist, but that I was seeing a psychologist inside the very hospital I was working in (the ONLY hospital in my island btw) and rumours would inevitably start circulating which would affect his standing there. But, at my pay, I really couldn’t afford anything else.
So I stopped my therapy sessions (which sucks because I was just making progress at the time) and it still feels like I have this big poisonous viper in my head that strikes me when I am least expecting it. It’s gotten to a point where I can’t even enjoy things I used to love years ago (Anime, Books, Video Games). The only thing that keeps me going is my daughter, but I keep wondering if she would be better off without me. What use is a depressed father, anyway?
Sorry about that… All I’m saying is… Depression is dead serious. Please, keep your friends near you (including the virtual ones).
lensman, cripes, that’s just … so much WTFery.
@lensman: agreeing with kittehserf here. A couple of points:
– professional ethics means that the fact you were having psychology sessions, let alone their content, should have been kept confidential
– any hospital where staff view another staff member differently if that member’s child is seeking psychological help is fucked up on so many levels that I can’t begin to count. Health professionals, at the very least, should fucking have a better grip on how they view individuals and families seeking psychological help. Words fail me at this point,
Hugs to all that want them. And kitty smooches.
I have begun to question whether I’m truly allistic. I may have some form of mild autism, which isn’t a bad thing to me (although the extreme stigma against AS people is awful). I have passionate special interests that shift over time, occasionally find myself unaware if someone wants to continue a discussion about certain interests of mine, make strange noises on my own very often out of amusement, have strong preferences for specificity in language and intellectual analyses, and find a lot of ordinary social situations difficult. Hell, I even know cis men who have walked up to me and insulted me for being “completely aspie” and whatnot. I could be wrong, but either way I think I am going through an interesting period of self-understanding.
Also, I’m starting hormones next week. Yay!!!
Ally yay for self-understanding and hormones! Boo for shitty strangers :( But mostly yay!
I hope tonight we do something like this. No broken glasses needing $$$$ to mend, no disturbances, no fucking awful governments, just things the way they should be.
Not that a picnic’s essential, just being at Home is all it could be. I just wish I could spontaneously remember.
@Ally S
Good luck on discovering yourself.
Best of luck with your hormone therapy! Make sure you get checked regularly and instantly report anything abnormal that shows up on your body (other than what is expected from hormone therapy).
Oh, and f**k rude strangers. I am sure this is the same type of guy who honks at women on the street.
As a side-note seriously, what are those street-honkers thinking?
My best guess is:
“OK, I am going to honk at this woman, and then she will latch onto the back of my car while I am speeding at 80mph. She will then pull out her lipstick and write her mobile phone number on my rear window so that I can ask her out when they take her out of the hospital. OH YEAH! THAT’S HOW I ROLL!”
@pallygirl
I agree. Ultimately it was my Department Administrator’s fault for telling my father that I was attending therapy sessions. I really don’t know why she did this. Maybe it was to show my father that she really cared about me so she could get further promoted, and finally retire with a good retirement fund (it’s what happened afterwards). But, yeah, it was unethical and unprofessional on her part.
Also, make no mistake, the rest of the hospital staff finding out I was attending therapy sessions would also affect my own standing at the hospital. Psychotherapy is still a big taboo here is Greece, and people don’t tend to trust your judgement very much when they are informed that you are being treated -even for something like depression.
And, yeah, the hospital I work in is pretty fucked up. I’ve seen people get mocked and isolated for no other reason that they are considered outsiders or simply because they got on an “old stander’s” nerves. I’ve seen whispering campaigns going haywire.
Thankfully, this sort of thing doesn’t seem to affect our medical performance, much, but still… It’s a Doc eat Doc world!
@kittehserf
Pic-Nic’s are awesome. I suggest some mavrodaphne Wine as it can still taste great when served at summer temperatures. Just make sure you don’t drive anything afterwards, it packs quite a kick!
My father is not such a bad guy. It’s just that he used to have the unfortunate tendency to care a lot about what others thought about him. He has since let go of this, and he has made a conscious effort to get closer to me and my brother, which I greatly appreciated. Ultimately, he is a good, hard-working but flawed person whose main mistake as a father was that he was largely absent for a big part of our lives. Every time I see him come and play with my daughter, I smile and feel a warmth in my heart because I see glimpses of the father he had always wanted to be.
I hope you have a lovely night also kittehs!
@lensman: you sound like you’ve worked through a lot of the issues with that, I wasn’t aware of what country you were in (I had guessed Iceland or Greenland, so I clearly have no psychic abilities whatsoever). I wish counselling was viewed with the same lens as treatment for physical injuries, when there is finally no stigma in seeking treatment I will consider that my society has matured.
It’s lovely he has a good relationship with your daughter.
I hope you’re well, your writing sounds like you’re in a good space at the moment and I hope that’s true. :)
wewereemergencies, thank you!
Lensman, that stinks. Sounds like the word toxic was invented for the atmosphere at your hospital. :( But seconding pallygirl, I’m glad your father’s made the effort to get closer to you and your brother and daughter.
No fear of driving after a picnic for Louis (aka Mr Kittehs) and me – this all happens across the veil (don’t know if you’re familiar with that term – call it astral travel, Spirit, Heaven, paradise, they all apply) and mercifully cars are Not a Thing where we live there!
Funny thing, I always used to think he’d be into cars and had images of him spending masses of time tinkering with the things: he was always into mechanical stuff and making things. Nope! Not even slightly interested, as it turns out. Probably just as well, I like seeing more of him than a pair of legs sticking out from under a car.
Hey guys, is this the place to post about my experiences with MRA’s in the wild? As mentioned in previous posts I used to date an MRA who associated with a group of fellow MRAs. I’ve been out having post exam drinks thought (I’m in Australia so timezones are a bit wonky) so won’t be able to write up something proper until Sunday arvo australian western standard time. Sorry for any typos, I’ve been put celebrating wooooooo :)
@AngryMouse:
Congratulations! And I doubt anyone would mind reading experiences like that.
in fact, cheers! Cheers in this mead I just got and was looking for an excuse to sample anyhow.
Cheers Fibinachi! I really want to to write a comment about how MRAs preach the idea of ‘healthy male sexuality’ vs ‘not all men’ in practice when they are in relationships (hint: IT DOSENT WORK). I’ve actually been waiting for ages for for one of these open thread to pop up and you happen to do one just when I’m drunk and out celebrating??? If y’all can hang tight for 12 hours or so I’ll write you something coherent and nice.
Go for it, AngryMouse! It is late here (well, later than in WA, I’m in Victoria).
Yay for exams being over – good luck with the results!
Also, those hormones I’m taking? Are provided by the clinic for free. The clinic is specifically for poor trans youth. So while I still need a job for various essential things, I don’t need it for hormones.
[TMI: body stuff?]
In many ways, life is becoming worse. But at last I have reached the point of achieving one of my most important life goals: transitioning. I can barely even express how relieved I am about this development. I was going to come out to my dad’s side of the family first before starting hormones, but a friend tells me that, in their experience, family members will be prompted to learn to accept trans children or change their relations with said children as soon as they start transitioning somehow. And besides, I have no reason to neglect my own physical and psychological well-being for the sake of enacting a form of preemptive damage control that wouldn’t even help in the first place (in other words, I don’t really have any reason to assume that coming out to them first would be more beneficial for anyone, let alone me).
[TMI: body stuff? (continued)]
Oh, I was going to actually use that note. Oops. Anyway, in preparation for my transition, I am going to shave/trim all of my body hair. I’m going to get my hair neatly trimmed. And I’m going to try to muster the courage to buy some foundation as well.
And along with all of that, I am going to continue to train my voice. It is now extremely easy to do because I am surrounded by trans women friends who would never insult me for my voice. Many of them are trying to work on their voice as well.
I’m no longer alone. I no longer have to feel like I have no hope in transitioning. It’s all starting to happen. I’m crying in a happy way right now. I can’t believe that this is happening. And none of this would have happened without both my efforts and the help of friends and family. Thank you so much, everyone, for helping me reach this point in my life – one way or another.
Thanks all, we tried as peaceably as possible to tell her that:
1) He’s too young for escalating or rollover punishments
2) Denying basic enjoyments is
2a) harsh
2b) doomed to cause an uncontrollable mischief-spiral
3) He isn’t peeing himself out of malice, he is *just now learning to use the toilet*
4) Punishing him for toileting accidents could cause lifelong health problems and neuroses
She just kept saying “but he knows what he’s doing is wrong” and “not punishing him wasn’t working” then refused to believe us when we pointed out or non-punishment method has had him without a single accident (when we’ve had him) since we first put him in ‘big boy pants.’ The more we tried to say no, really, he’s three and his thinking just isn’t sophisticated enough for that, the more belligerent she got until she was cutting us off immediately with “he knows! He does know!”
I tried to explain, re: the toileting thing, that even if he knows on *some* level that he is being punished for peeing himself and not for peeing in general, on another level which is still very influential, the connection is saying “pee = shouting = smacking = punishment = anger = confiscation = tears = shame = sadness =…etc.” and as a result what we are *already seeing happening* is that we ask him if he needs to pee, he shouts stroppily “NO! I don’t need a pee!” and tries to escape into the next room, then when he is (gently) convinced to try anyway, he was bursting.
But no, she loudly insisted he is completely aware of what he is doing when he has accidents and of the fact that punishments are only for “malicious peeing” and that this isn’t harming his attitude to toilet training in general.
I have a handful of hopes, including that maybe she’ll swallow her pride and have a serious look at our side of the chart, or maybe her partner or one of her friends who are a bit less heated about the whole thing will suggest she give it a bit of a chance/compromise or whatnot…or that the only reason we’re seeing any effects of this madness is that she had him for such a long period of time for once, and that now it’s back to normal (60/40 but the 40 percent he is with her, a lot of that is not actually with her since she works full time) it won’t have as strong an influence on him.
Poor kid. :(
Kay, all the luck in the world. At least the kiddo has one safe space, with you.
*Kat. Autocorrect, knock it off!
I have the option of transitioning even sooner, but I need a week to mentally prepare myself. This is going to be a huge change.
Ally I’m super happy that you’re getting to transition. I’m starting the process myself! *hi5*
I’ve started laser surgery on my face and once my bloodwork comes back I can schedule a hormone readiness assessment. Also I’ve been living pretty much full-time as a woman at this point; I’m really lucky to be in an environment where I can.
Mind you, sometimes I have a bad moment and my brain eats itself (I wrote a short interactive story about that, actually: http://philome.la/inurashii/cis-gaze ). But all in all it’s very exciting.
@kat and Ally, Wishing all the best to both of you!
And @inurashii too, whose post came in while I was typing! All the hugs to you all, if they’re wanted
@Ally
you may not be allistic. I”m like super uneducated on autism stuff, even though I was diagnosed with PDD/NOS (maybe changed by now???) years ago, but spent years trying to act like it didn’t happen.
um, so rambles? Not sure where that went.
And yay for hormones :D Congrats!
It’s great that you’ve got a good place to train your voice and supportive friends :3 All of this is such good news, I”m so happy for you!
@kittehs
hope you have a good night :3
@Kat
seconding the ‘poor kid’ bit :( Hopefully when it’s back to normal time things will be better, meanwhile sending good thoughts your way, and glad he has a parent like you.
@inurashii
And yay for you being able to start transitioning, too :D
Just wanted to say that I’m on holiday for the week & probably won’t be posting as much. If I see any furrinati, I shall, of course, photograph & post. Wish you could all be here with me …
@Ally and @inurashii: congrats on where you’re both up to in the transitioning process. While I am a cis-female I can comment on IPL as a method for permanent hair removal, which I had done for my armpits and lower legs (heavily) with some on the upper leg as well. I found it to be a painful process for the sensitive areas (i.e. it hurt on the armpits but not on the legs, where I have waxed and epilated, so used to pain). But: I am so happy I did it. I have almost completely removed all my underarm hair and lower leg hair, and the upper leg hair is much thinner (but only did I think 5 treatments on the upper leg). I’m looking to get my bikini line done that way too.
@Kat: do you think she will ever hit her son, over something like this? She sounds like she has an anger problem if she gets so upset over toileting mistakes when she only has him for 40% of the time.
@pallygirl
We’re very lucky in that we have a supportive family – but you’re right, with the vomiting my sis could use some attention. I speak to both of them often and just saw them this past weekend for a big family gathering, and she’s holding together ok… just the stress, esp. the financial stress, is wearing her completely out.
BIL took leave from work – he’s on short-term disability. He works in a caring profession, so burn-out was one cause, plus a whole lot of other issues (not medical, situational) that have been piling up on both of them. (Long story… to do with his ex and his kids). He is seeing a counsellor, though he’s missed the last two sessions. Sister would like to go with him to a session (he is open to that), not sure when it’s happening.
RE: Ally
Also, I’m starting hormones next week. Yay!!!
Yay! Congratulations!
Also, those hormones I’m taking? Are provided by the clinic for free.
SO MUCH ENVY ZOMG. (My preferred hormones, if not covered by my insurance, cost over $400 a month. That’s over half my income now so yeah no.)
RE: Kat
But no, she loudly insisted he is completely aware of what he is doing when he has accidents and of the fact that punishments are only for “malicious peeing” and that this isn’t harming his attitude to toilet training in general.
…seriously, that’s what all abusers say about children. That the overly strict punishments are justified because the kids are DOING IT ON PURPOSE. Honest to god, Kat, the more you say about this woman, the more creeped out I am, because… uh… that’s basically how a lot of child abuse starts, as punishments going overboard. I’m not saying this woman’s an abuser herself, just… really fucking creepy, okay?
@Marie I’m going to address this because wow, it really took me by complete surprise, and stung a little.
I am in no way blaming him for anything. Neither is my sister. As I stated, both of us have experienced depression, long-term depression in fact. It’s why this is so difficult for her – she isn’t angry at him, she doesn’t blame him, but that doesn’t change the repercussions. She isn’t against him taking time off work, it’s simply that their finances can’t handle it and he has been unable or unwilling to discuss anything to do with that, and unwilling to make any adjustments to how money is being used. She handles the bills and the money. They haven’t paid rent yet, because the money to pay it isn’t there. She had to borrow money to cover his child support. She’s terrified. But how to address all of this with him without making him feel worse than he already does? That’s her concern (in addition to making sure they have money to live… esp. since his daughter is coming to live with them in Sept)
As someone who has been depressed (and who is fortunate to have discovered why and have it able to be treated – thyroid, in my case), I’m fully aware that it isn’t just me that suffers when it happens… it affects the lives of the people around me as well. That isn’t selfish or blamey or dismissive to talk about, it’s reality. I love my sister, and I love my BIL and I (of course) want them to get through this ok. So does she. That’s all.
@lensman – I don’t have words. Other than… your daughter definitely is better off with you in her life. Yes, yes, yep.
@Ally – amazing! I’m thrilled for you. You deserve all the happiness, all of it.
@LBT
Wow, that’s just a ridiculous amoutn of money O_o
Ally, I’m so glad you got hormones! Transitioning is going to make you feel so much better for yourself. And fistbump to inurashii, too. Hormone treatments all around!
(To people who want them.)
Ugh I need some help here.
I’m being feelnig realy resenntful to my sister but she doesn’t deserve it.
Basically what happened is our dad moved and couldn’t take his dog with him. We took her but mom’s thing was under grounds of ‘we take care of the dog’. Sister wants dog to help make her feel better and I know from beginning I’ll be doing most of the work (she can’t do that much because of chronic pain.)
But now my depressions really, really bad, and even taking care of my own pets is hard work, much less taking care of myself or the dog, both of which have been slipping badly.
I resent her for wanting the dog over even though I knew everything from teh beginning and agreed to it, so it’s kind of my fault but I jsut feel like shit and dont know what tto do.
I can’t even take care of a fcuking dog right it’s probably some kind of animal neligence i”m fucking worthless.
Hon, it’s not unreasonable to feel the way you do as you sound like you’re expected to do the lion’s share of the work with the dog.
Given the situation, and this suggestion is coming from my complete ignorance of your homelife, so it may not be a good one:
is there a way the three of you (you, sister, mom) can sit down and come up with a plan for how to look after the dog when you or your sister isn’t capable? It sounds like the dog will go to the pound for rehoming/destruction if this can’t be worked through at your end.
It’s really unfair to have all the work land on one person, and also is not a good thing if your sister’s mental health is strongly dependent on the dog being present.
Is there any way your dad could have shifted somewhere else that accepted animals?
@pallygirl
I don’t knwo soryr.
I mean, thank you so much for the response.
id on’t know if giving her away would be good for her. she’s an old arthritic achey dog. She was at my stepmoms house earlier but then my dad moved out for half the week (he works in a nother state and just comes home during weekends) and we took ehr.
I really don’t like the way my stepmom talks about her anyway. She always says stuff like if the dog bites one of her kids shes getting putdown. she talks about putting down my dog all the timein front of me fuck her.
I do want he rto be able to stay but I feel like I can’t care for her and sister cant care for her. and I don’t know aboutasking mom she’ll just be all liek ‘well u said’ and she talks often enough about how she liked it when I did more things in the ouse (when my depression was better) and I dn’t know if she’d help.
Sister does what she can but she cna’t do too much wihtout being in pain. She helped me some tonight evne though it involved getting up.
We don’t take her out to use the bathroom enough I worry that she’ll get blader infections but we can’t jsut tie her out because our fucking neighrboors were complaining abou ther and now we have to follow the exact dog rules or lose or ‘pet priviliges’
Marie,
You are not worthless. That’s the illness talking.
This insomnia I have that’s goofy today? It wasn’t so funny back when it would last for so long that I couldn’t remember the last time I had slept for more than an hour at a time.
Depression is awful because even when it’s gone, you know it could come back. It makes you second guess yourself. You have not done anything wrong.
You have every right to tell your sister that the dog needs to go some place else until you can function in a way that will let you care for all your animals properly, or that you cannot keep it at all. It’s that or see if someone can come help you both out on a daily basis until you feel up to it. Is there a foster group near you who can help you? There are groups that specialize in owner surrenders in cases of hardship.
As for resentment, don’t beat yourself up for it. Forgive yourself for being human. You’re sister wants the dog and you understand why. She can understand you are ill and cannot keep up with the dog for her at this time.
Ah, the information about arthritis and age helps – she’s obviously a dog that needs more care than most.
If this is at all sensible in your situation, assuming that you and your sister really want to keep the dog (and it appears that you both do), can the three of you sit down and talk about:
– what activities are needed to look after the dog (by time of day too, if that helps)
– then discuss who is the first person assigned for each activity, and who is second if something happens and the first person can’t do their assigned activity – and whether any activity swaps could happen.
I don’t know what sort of situation your mom is in (workwise, healthwise) to know whether she would be interested in doing more of the dog activities knowing much important the dog is to you and your sister.
As we are not talking a young dog, these activities are not going to last for years.
Your local SPCA (?ASPCA) may be able to help you with respect to making it easier to look after the dog. They have lots of highly trained people that may be able to offer suggestions around little things that could be done that would make your lives easier with respect to taking care of the dog.
Sorry I keep calling her “the dog”, it comes across as cold but that’s all I can do to be specific without being able to use a name as all four of you are “her”‘s. :)
I wish there was something more I could offer in the way of support.
Marie, I’m so sorry.
Dogs can be difficult even when you’re in full health mentally and physically. We love them to pieces, regardless, but it can get tough.
Maybe your sis can’t walk the pooch, or clean messes, or feed, but could she talk with you on the phone during walks, so it feels less tedious?
It you feel brave enough, talk to your mom. When you do, have a list ready: Reasons why we should keep her, reasons why caring for her is difficult, and the top one or two things that if she could help you with, would help.
It may not work, or you may not feel up to that meeting.
That’s okay.
It’s alright to feel a bit resentful. That’s human. As long as you don’t actually take it out on your sis, that’s okay.
Even if you do, apologize, and it’ll be okay.
Hope the dog gives you doggie kisses, should you want them, or quit tail thumps of support if you don’t.
Um thanks fro advice guys I am glad fo rit.
I’m just thinking on it atm.
Think all you need.
:: hugs :: for when you feel like them. I zipped them in hug-preserver bags.
@contrapangloss
thank you hugs very need ::unzips bag::
yeah and all thanks all again you’re aweesome <<<3333
I might be gettting slightly loopy sorry usually my spelling decreases when I"m loopy
.
I hope you feel better soon. :)
@pallygirl
no loopy is good atm :D its much better than feeling terrible
plus everyitngs funny right now so theres taht.
Plus you get to play whack-a-troll in the other thread. :D
@kittehs
:D :D :D :D :D :D
That is a very difficult situation, Marie. I don’t want you to feel bad about not being able to do something that you aren’t up to doing. It’s not lazy or irresponsible for you to not do something that you aren’t up to doing; if you can’t do it, you can’t do it.
But on the other hand, as you know, the dog needs care and that care needs to get done by someone. So it does sound like your family should have a talk and try to work out a schedule that will get all the dog’s needs met.
Here are a few options that might lighten the burden a little:
-There are various accessibility options that might help your sister to handle more of the care. For instance, here are some items that help with walking a dog while in a wheelchair.
-If you’re worried about not taking her out to pee enough, you might get a potty patch so she can go indoors. (Of course these need to be cleaned, too, so it is a tradeoff.)
-You can get automatic feeders and water dishes. If they’re too expensive, you can make your own.
@katz
yay those look like good suggestions i’ll try to look more tomorrw ehn I not loopy thnks :D
Also let me know if there are specific things that are difficult and I can try to work out other options for you.