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Anti-AVFM Conference protest happening now in Detroit; see Twitter hashtag #NoMRA for updates [No Troll thread]

Protesters head to the Doubletree
Protesters head to the Doubletree

Just a quick note to let you know that the protest against the AVFM Conference at the Doubletree in Detroit is happening right now. You can check the hashtag #NoMRA on Twitter for live updates. Here’s a Ms Magazine blog piece with more details.

I’ll have some thoughts on it all later.

Photo from @Katie_Speak on Twitter.

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kittehserf
6 years ago

marinerachel – It’s true! The Dark Lord really is ferrets in cat suits in a man suit! You have been visited!!!!

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

Do ferrets really bite as much as common assumptions would suggest that they do? They look so cute.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

Yep. Weasels bite. Ferrets are still pretty wild (they haven’t domesticated very well) to an extent I have trouble calling them pets. You can live alongside them and you can care for them and they’re entertaining as hell to watch but a ferret won’t be your companion.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

They’re illegal to keep as pets in my state, but a lot of people seem to do so in other places, so I wonder if getting bitten all the time is something they just kind of resign themselves to.

girlscientist
girlscientist
6 years ago

(just commenting to get comment notification)

emilygoddess
emilygoddess
6 years ago

Ferrets are still pretty wild (they haven’t domesticated very well) to an extent I have trouble calling them pets. You can live alongside them and you can care for them and they’re entertaining as hell to watch but a ferret won’t be your companion.

I’ll spare y’all my parrot spiel, but this is exactly how I feel about most parrots (right down to the biting).

Skye
Skye
6 years ago

marinerachel, I’m coming in to this thread really late, but I’m glad you’re being cared for and went to a therapist. I’d like to echo everyone here and say that you are worthy and you do matter. Things will get easier and better. You are better off w/o this jerk in your life.

As to ferrets, I’ve had friends w/them and while they weren’t generally very cuddly and are really curious, they didn’t bite much more than some cats of some other friends.

Tracy
Tracy
6 years ago

I’m coming in late too, but WOW, huge kudos to you marinerachel for being so proactive about your own self-care. Maybe you don’t see yourself that way, but I think you’re incredibly brave and perceptive.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

I’m a complete fucking idiot.

This story gets sicker and sicker. My mood’s going to take another severe nosedive for the next week. I’ve got my friend and my shrink and my new meds on hand to get me through the next chapter of this crisis. This is going to be epic though. Boy, do I feel cheapened. I feel so fucking disrespected and insulted right now.

pallygirl
pallygirl
6 years ago

@marinerachel: I have to go out now, and feel free to email me privately if you want to talk, and don’t want to share publicly.

I know this feels like hell, and I wish it would get better for you soon.

/hugs

titianblue
titianblue
6 years ago

@marinerachel,

Please know you aren’t cheapened. Someone disrespected and insulted you. You are still you, the same person who deserves to get through this, to be happy again and feel good about yourself again.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

I’ve never experienced this before but I actually feel the desperate need to have sex with someone just to prove I can and so I can get that guy out of my fucking head every time I masturbate. I feel fucking filthy. He still owns my heart and my body by all accounts and he’s absolute fucking filth. Jesus christ, what the fuck is wrong with me? This may have been the worst mistake of my life. It isn’t possible for me to fuck up this badly ever again. I’m nearly experiencing bronchospasms, I’m so worked up with disgust over what’s happened to me. UHG. I’m going out for a drive to pick up my friend from work. I can’t stay still. I feel fucking disgusting. Jesus christ.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

I want to throw up, I’m so fucking disgusted.

Ally S
6 years ago

Hugs if you want them. 🙁

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

Thank you. I’m just disgusted. I’m disgusted. I think people might just be disgusting.

Ally S
6 years ago

I know how you feel. Sometimes I just hate everyone, just because of all of my experiences with horrible human beings. You aren’t alone. It’s a pain that many of us deal with. Eventually when you are healed, you will be able to look back on this and be understanding of others in situations similar to yours, and you can reach out to them. If you can be so loving towards someone who has hurt you, you can be loving towards everyone else. And that is why you matter, you aren’t worthless. Take care. Sorry if I’m being incoherent or weird.

Ally S
6 years ago

But of course it must be stressed that you should also love yourself, too. Please don’t try to be supportive for others without also being supportive of yourself.

Ally S
6 years ago

And even if you lacked the capacity to be loving, you would still matter as a human being and still be deserving of kindness. I didn’t mean to imply that you are only worthy because you are deeply loving towards others. I’m sorry.

titianblue
titianblue
6 years ago

@marinerachel, You’ve been through and are still going through a traumatic time, both physically and emotionally. Who knows what is happening hormonally/chemically in your body after all that.

Plus love and desire don’t get turned off like a tap, even for someone who our heads tell us we should hate.

Hugs if you’d like them & it sounds like a drive might be a useful distraction, as long as you feel well enough.

pallygirl
pallygirl
6 years ago

@marinerachel: if you’re worried about sexual fantasies, the thing is, they’re just fantasies. While I think the dude is an abuser, I am perfectly okay with the idea that he’s attractive, you’ve had sex with him and, funny old thing, he’s in your fantasies.

The neat thing about fantasies is that you control them. You get what you want, how you want, when you want it. I’ve had fantasies where I would hate it in real life (plus the rules of physics don’t seem to apply, nobody gets cramp, etc), but they’re still smexy. Fantasies are fantasies, you like what you like.

The only time I would think there is an issue is if the fantasies interfere with your recovery.

Does that help?

And as one who used to – in actuality – like to eat crunchy peanut butter and golden syrup on toast, I am not one to judge what is or is not “disgusting”.

Skye
Skye
6 years ago

Fwiw, no one can cheapen you. Dating an abuser or even just a terrible person does not lessen your intrinsic worth. You are valuable, even if you don’t fully believe that at the moment.

Flying Mouse
Flying Mouse
6 years ago

Oh, marinerachel, the memories are coming back for me. I can remember an old boyfriend that I thought had ruined me for a decent sex life forevermore. Attraction and lust = him, and I couldn’t separate the two.

And then enough time passed, and I did manage to get him out of my head. I didn’t do anything special, time just worked it’s magic.

I’m not living your life, so I can’t promise the same will work for you. But there’s hope out there.

dustedeste
dustedeste
6 years ago

marinerachel – let me know if you want to meet up for coffee or anything, if you feel like a new face would help. It’s perfectly fine if that’s not the case! I just want to make sure you know the option’s there. I haven’t been posting much because I’ve been a bit swamped with work, but I’m here for you if there’s anything I can do to help.

I know the world can feel like such a shitty place sometimes, but it can get better, and I have full faith that it will for you.

girlscientist
girlscientist
6 years ago

@marinerachel: *hugs*
Hold on, you’ll be okay sooner than you think.
I’m travelling now for a work conference, so I won’t be here very much for the next week, but please know that you’re in my thoughts and I’m sending positive thoughts your way.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

I would LOVE to meet up, dustedeste. I’ll email you in a sec. I’m absolutely fucking livid right now. I’m disgusted. Absolutely disgusted.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

He told me his feelings for me (we had our life together planned out so those feelings were pretty extensive) had never been genuine and he’d only tried to convince himself of them because dumping me made him feel sorry for me. He strung me along for a fucking year, telling me he loved me and he wants our kid to have my middle name and how much he misses me when he’s out drinking with friends, knowing he didn’t actually want me all along. He just tried to so as to protect my feelings. What kind of fucking monster does something like that? Who wastes a year of a woman’s life knowing full well they are in love with and intend to spend their life with you?

And now he’s coming after me. I’ve locked down just about all avenues of communication between he and I. I’ve requested administrators of forums we both have accounts on ban or delete mine because he’s already using forum PM systems to get my attention and try to get me to speak to him. I’m very uncomfortable.

Flying Mouse
Flying Mouse
6 years ago

What a horrible, horrible excuse for a person, marinerachel. The whole “I never loved you” thing is just blowing my mind. So he’s a liar, is what he’s saying; he was either lying then about loving you, or he’s lying now about never having loved you. And he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend if that means any emotional heavy lifting, but he doesn’t want to let you put any distance between the two of you so that you can actually heal.

Nuts to that guy. Nuts to him and his lying, manipulative, controlling, abusive ways. I wish I actually had that box of rotten compost we were joking about in a thread a couple weeks ago; I think this guy would be a fine recipient.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

He’s claiming it wasn’t a lie at the time but it wasn’t real either. Now he’s decided we don’t go so he’s switched off any feelings for me. He says, despite actively seeking out my companionship only last week, that he doesn’t and won’t miss me and experiences no sadness that we didn’t last. He’s completely unmoved. He does not care. I’m supposed to believe he did at a time though.

He just wants something from me, otherwise he WOULD give me that space. He doesnt want to interact with me. he’s just upset that after a year of engaging in emotionally abusive behaviour towards me Im now in the power position and can do whatever i want with those discussion logs. He’s saying he has something to ask me. He can go fuck his hat.

kittehserf
6 years ago

He can go fuck his hat.

::applauds::

I hope it’s full of dermestid beetles when he does.

Ledasmom
Ledasmom
6 years ago

marinerachel: Wow, what an asshole he’s being, eh?
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all this, and hope it does work out for you, and, by the way, “He can go fuck his hat” is about the funniest thing I’ve read in a week.

hellkell
hellkell
6 years ago

This “he can go fuck his hat” anger? It’s good, keep it around.

He sounds like he just wants to keep his nice guy facade intact. Fuck this guy, he lost any consideration when he decided to be an absolute shithead.

Flying Mouse
Flying Mouse
6 years ago

What kittehserf said!

Sam-I-Was?
Sam-I-Was?
6 years ago

marinerachel, I’ve been off line for awhile and just caught up. I know that this doesn’t mean much from someone you could pass on the street and not recognize but you are an amazingly strong person. Realizing when you need someone else to help you is hard enough and the fact that you not only realized but you had the strength to reach out & accept the help shows that you are a fighter. Look for that small point of light in the darkness. It might only be as large as the period at the end of this sentence but with the right help & medication it will grow. There is no set timetable for the pain to stop but keep putting one foot in front of the other & there is no limit to how far you can travel.

As far as your ex is concerned he is a douche on the first degree. Take time to mourn what you thought was to be. Be mad, be sad, rail at the world. As others have said so much better this isn’t about you not being good enough for him, this is about him choosing to not be good enough for you.

Adding more hugs to the barrel as well as assorted kisses from the dog, cuddles from the rodents & for your ex pinches from the hermit crabs.

katz
6 years ago

Fuck that asswipe. He wants to have no emotional investment in you but still have you around in case he ever wants you. Fuck that.

And for the love of God, ask the admins to ban HIM. You have every right to be in those spaces and he has no right to drive you away from them. Also most sites should have a no stalking clause in their TOS.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

That wanting to go fuck someone to get an ex out of your head thing? Lots of people feel that way after a breakup. Whether or not you actually do it is up to you, but the impulse makes perfect sense.

The fact that the dude now won’t leave you alone should be yet another reminder that a. he really was an asshole, and b. once you get through this initial post-breakup period you’ll be a lot happier without him.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

He’s convinced himself I’m going to send chat logs to his mom or something. That’s the only reason he’s coming after me. He feels anxious and powerless. He’s likely just anxious about the fact he treated me very, very badly for a long time and I have all the power in the world now to make him hurt like he’s been hurting me for the last fourteen-ish months. I confronted him, saying I’ve got nothing to lose and you’ve got everything to gain. You need to be nicer. He consistently denied mistreating me. Unfortunately for him, a friend who is a shrink and my two shrinks vouched for his conduct as abusive and if it hasn’t been then he’s got nothing to feel guilty and worried about coming out. If nothing else, I just want this disaster to be a lesson to him in kindness. If he doesn’t want to treat people kindly, he should do so for fear of losing his career.

He’s not trying to keep me around in case he wants me. He’s been very clear – he can never see us having a future. He could ten weeks ago, begged for me to

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

work towards it with him. He’s a robot now though. He has no feelings for me except fear.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

The initial reason he wanted me around though was to absolve himself of guilt. He wasn’t sad about turfing me and as long as I wasn’t either he didn’t have anything to feel guilty about. He kept shouting “Why can’t you just let us end this nicely?” Because you broke my heart and you’re walking away unscathed! You don’t get to harm people like this without consequences.

Once I nursed him through a breakup that looked like this – one party couldn’t give a fuck while he was despondent. I wept for him. His pain was palpable. I never would have guessed, after witnessing his pain and giving him such strength during that time, that he could become the callous one inflicting such profound harm and feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness on me.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

I’m back to weeping, inconsolable. Cried with two different friends already this morning. The exposure and repeat harm inflicted by this man is teaching me to stay away from him. It is not pleasant to learn. He still owns my heart. He says “I don’t want it”. It’s going to be a long time before I can just take it back. I wish it was that easy. I’m still blaming myself, still feeling a perverse sense of hope that everything will be alright. He ruined me. I just want to be angry again.

lurkerina
6 years ago

He’s scared because he doesn’t have control over you anymore. For an abuser, that is their worst nightmare. You’ve proven that not only are you a kind and generous soul, you have an inner core of steel that withstood his abuse and is now helping you determine your life for yourself.

You are right when you say he wanted you to absolve him of his guilt. Now that you’re no longer doing that, he is angry. He views himself as entitled not to have to face the consequences of his actions.

You are such a strong and amazing woman. I envy your ability to see your own needs clearly. Keep up with the self care and surround yourself with people who are on TEAM YOU! (And if you haven’t read Captain Awkward, go to her sight and google ‘team you’)

scott1139
scott1139
6 years ago

🙁 ::offers many hugs to marinerachel::

Robert
Robert
6 years ago

Oh, Marinerachel, you will be (angry again). You’ll be a lot of things before you’re through, but it’s part of getting through. My son’s therapist has a sign on her office wall that applies:
when you’re going through hell, keep going.

Your soul has been badly burned, and the wound is being debrided. In this case, pain itself is part of healing, not further injury. But it still hurts, and that sucks. You are not ruined. You are surviving. If it helps to read the things we’ve been telling you, please do. We all want you to get through this. Remember that – all of us, who haven’t even met you in person, want you to survive, heal and get better.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

I just want to prove I’m worthwhile. I want to know in my heart I’m worth something and all this fucking fighting to stay alive is worth it. I don’t want to care what he thinks anymore. I want control over my sense of self-worth. I don’t want it to be dependent on his approval or disapproval.

Auntie Alias
Auntie Alias
6 years ago

marinerachel, you will get there. FWIW, I’ve noticed how much stronger you’ve looked in the last few days. It was great to see you out there doing battle in the threads!

I’m still blaming myself, still feeling a perverse sense of hope that everything will be alright.

Someone close to me died suddenly three weeks ago. For the first several days, I was in denial and what you said reminded me of that feeling. One minute I’d believe his death was real and the next minute my mind would question it. You’re going through a grieving process, too. Those moments of hope will become further and further apart as you work through this.

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

I’m doing very, very badly the past two days. I think things may continue to progress downward for the next few so I’ll remain at my friend’s place. I think I’m experiencing true realisation now. The denial and hopefulness are subsiding.

I won’t let this debilitate me too greatly though. Even if I have to cry through it, I’m getting out and doing something with someone every day. I’ve told my mom I need a few days before I see her as I am not comfortable discussing relationship details or being emotive around her. I’ve designated Tuesday the day I reach rock bottom. I may stay there for some time but I am going to do everything in my power to prevent my mood from worsening past Tuesday. Then I’ll see my mom.

I’m going to start looking for additional work, something to get excited about and relief from the financial strain I’m having, tomorrow. I’ve also decided to challenge myself academically. I’m in a program I know I can excel in and like right now. I’m tweaking it for September. I’m switching to a program I’m not sure I can excel at but want to. If it doesn’t work out I can’t say I didn’t try and my beloved marine inverts will be waiting for me. This is something I can get excited about and could be excellent for self-esteem building.

Going to be a rough fucking few days. Experiencing a moment of zen. Just trying to ride this for as long as it lasts.

Auntie Alias
Auntie Alias
6 years ago

Your self-awareness is amazing.

What are marine inverts?

Auntie Alias
Auntie Alias
6 years ago

One of the misters was needling me about protesting MRAs and said I’d be like the red-haired protester in Toronto. I enthusiastically said I’d love to do that (ha) and wondered to myself if I had to guts to get in their faces like she did. I just found out I do.

I took off on foot to 7-11 and noticed what looked like two teens bullying a third one. I kept walking toward them and watching. One was in the lone kid’s face and the other one was across the street just watching. The bully kept advancing and retreating. He started getting really aggressive and from a block away I yelled “HEY” a couple of times until bully boy looked up and saw me. He kept on.

I sped up and was yelling and cussing to no avail. Bully took his jacket off like he was going to fight and that’s when I caught up and got in his face. Fortunately, the kid they were targeting was at the door to his apartment building and he slipped inside, I think. I said to his tormenter, “You’re a bully.” He said, “Do you know who I am? I’m a gang member,” and he flashed a gang sign at me. I nearly bust out laughing. I said, “Ooooo, ooooo, I’m so scared!” I kept staring him down and he finally turned and walked away muttering insults at me.

I can’t believe I did that!!! By the time I reached 7-11 a block away I was shaking like a leaf but I’m okay now.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Auntie Alias — first, my condolences, second, that was bad ass of you! Marine inverts is short for marine invertebrates.

Marinerachel — give it time, and then some more time, and then another helping of time. Sprinkle liberally with “he can go fuck his hat”.

Also, are hagfish vertebrates or not? Wtf is up with them?

Auntie Alias
Auntie Alias
6 years ago

Thanks, Argenti.

What are examples? Like shellfish and jellyfish?