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Open Thread for Personal Stuff: Very Belated May 2014 Edition

Le chien, so chic

Le chien, so chic

An open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.

As usual for these threads: no trolls, no arguments.

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Posted on May 19, 2014, in off topic, open thread. Bookmark the permalink. 686 Comments.

  1. @ Ally

    Ya know, that would not surprise me at all, considering what you’ve shared about your ‘relationship’ with your father.

    All the more reason for you to set and enforce clear boundaries when it comes to interacting with people, and him in particular.

  2. Wouldn’t surprise me either, Ally.

    I wouldn’t call not talking to your father avoidant behaviour. AB sounds more like it’s about avoiding ordinary but stressful situations, when one has social anxiety. I’d call it intelligent self-defence. There’s nothing to be gained from talking to your manipulative, hateful abuser, least of all when he still has such power over your mind and is trying his damndest to get you back in his physical power. Every time you make or allow contact, he proves all over again what an unrepentant piece of shit he is, and you come away feeling worse.

  3. Have you seen this video from Laverne Cox?

    I’m crying right now! Happy cry though!

  4. @kitteh

    It is certainly also a form of self-defense, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is an example of avoidant behavior. I’m very sorry if I seem like I’m jumping on you, but I prefer to be able to label said behavior of mine as avoidant. If I ever get rid of this mental illness, I will certainly still avoid abusers as much as possible, but it would be motivated by self-defense alone rather than a combination of self-defense and avoidance of trauma triggers.

  5. No, it doesn’t feel at all like you’re jumping on me, Ally: if anything the reverse. I’m squicky about the term avoidant behaviour at all, because it just sounds like “oh well you’re just a weakling and coward” – it isn’t supposed to, but always leaves that bad taste in my mouth, because it’s used as much of things like being afraid of public speaking as of the appalling things you’re defending yourself from. Who wouldn’t avoid abusers given the option? Who wouldn’t avoid trauma triggers?

    All of which is a tl:dr attempt to explain my problem with the phrase, which is probably coming out poorly, since I’m not saying you shouldn’t use what works for you.

    … I think I need a coffee.

  6. Have a labrador pup getting the cleanest ears ever.

  7. Unimaginative

    Every fucking time I try to clean up the mess that’s my life, someone comes along and emotionally manipulates me into going back to square one. Or square zero, rather.

    Not “someone”, your father. Block him. Block his number, block his emails. Talk to your therapist about the PTSD, because you’re probably right about that, and you can learn some specific coping skills. But seriously, block your father. Every interaction you have with him, and every time he contacts you against your wishes, he violates your calm. Cut him off as much as you possibly can.

    The rest of your family will still love you, and I strongly suspect they’ll entirely understand why you need cut some ties.

  8. Seconding all that, Unimaginative.

  9. @Ally

    that makes sense. It sucks that you have PSTD, but I’m glad figuring it out is helping you.

  10. Ally, do you have a therapist in Santa Cruz?

  11. Argenti Aertheri

    Nth’ing the “that makes sense”. And as for avoidant behaviors…DSM version means avoiding triggers, in short — be they things most people would avoid (abusers) or things most people have to problem with (sex…rapist ex’s can go pet cactī)

    The bootstrap implications of the term in common usage don’t negate the meaning in terms of mental illness.

    Ally, as for the nightmares, it isn’t exactly a miracle drug or anything, but you might want to ask your psych about prazosin, it’ sat least made mine more manageable. Usually.

  12. Argenti – that’s interesting, and not at all surprising, about the separate meanings, and the DSM one being much more specific. Typically, when I checked the term (on About.com, I think) it was all about social anxiety, like walking out of a party or avoiding studying subjects that mean you’ll have to do public speaking. Helpful, not.

  13. [CN: child abuse]

    I finally called my dad today. He told me that my step mom really isn’t worth seeing because, as he described her words, she basically was explicitly transmisogynistic towards me. She “jokingly” said “If he [sic] is going to look that girly, then he [sic] might as well start having a girly strut in his [sic] walk, too!” while laughing at a picture of me with long hair (kind of like the one I shared earlier in this thread).

    She also apparently calls me worthless, lazy, and helpless behind my back despite openly claiming to be caring towards me and saying that I should be grateful for all she has done for me. My dad said it bothered him only because he perceived it as an attempt to make him upset (although he didn’t express any indignation at her for actually expressing her eagerness to bully me – to him, all that seems to matter is how he felt). My youngest sister has heard those words as well. And apparently when she heard the transmisogynistic remarks, she became very distressed and almost started crying in response.

    I believe the story from my dad because my youngest sister (the most harshly abused child in the house) has always been the most attached to me. Her relatively strong attachment is a result of me protecting her from abuse. She vividly remembers the times I was openly angry at my father for being abusive to her. She also remembers all of the times I’ve called people out for bullying her and explicitly telling them things like “Please stop it, she’s obviously hurt by what you’re doing to her.”

    It really means a lot to hear that about my little sister, because I have always been the most worried about her. I’ve always worried about hurting her feelings by leaving the house, making her feel like I never cared about her at all and was a failure of an older sister. But maybe I really have had some positive impact on her. She may have to face worsening abuse over time but hopefully she will keep internalizing the lesson I’ve tried to instill in her: that she doesn’t deserve to be treated that way and it’s never her fault if she gets hurt. I used to tell her things such as “It’s okay to cry” and “He should never do that, and what he’s doing is never okay no matter what” (during a particularly violent and threatening episode involving my father). By the way, this is the same little sister who told me that I should be allowed to “look like a girl” if I want to. (She literally said “I don’t care if you look like a girl. Be confident in your looks!” when I joked about long hair making me look femme.)

    Of course, my father had to say something extremely disturbing regarding all of that. He said that he didn’t want my step-mother to make fun of me and therefore disturb my youngest sister. He added that he didn’t want to see her have her feelings hurt because he knows she loves me especially for protecting her from my father’s own abuse. He actually fucking said that.

    Anyway, I’ll be seeing them on Saturday at my uncle’s house. It will be one of the last times I will see them for a very long time because apparently they are going back to Morocco in July for an indefinite amount of time with their mother. Due to being an ultraconservative country, my little sisters will potentially face even worse physical abuse because the laws regarding child abuse are more lenient there. I can only hope that their mother will be kind to them.

    So at least a few times before I leave, I want to be there for them and try to teach them more survival strategies. They will most likely stay there until they grow up to be legal adults. It’s such a heartbreaking situation. There is literally nothing I can do for them. I can only hope that they won’t hate me by the time they grow up and are exposed to a heavily transmisogynistic family environment.

    @katz

    My previous therapist referred me to another one in Santa Cruz, but I really need to conserve money and get a job, so I can’t afford therapy at this time. I’ll certainly talk to a therapist about my PTSD, but I’m not looking for a diagnosis from her (unless I need it for some prescription). I don’t have a problem with self-diagnosis.

  14. (I’m sorry if none of that made sense. I’ve been high all day in order to numb myself and obviously I’m not good at writing while high. Today has been a day of stressful phone calls and numbing myself with fast food and ice cream while stoned as fuck.)

  15. It was all too clear, Ally.

    I can only say, keep yourself safe while you’re around them. I know you desperately want to see your sisters, and it’s heartbreaking what they are going through and likely face in Morocco, but I’m nervous about what the shitfaced abusers (plural) could do to you while you’re there, including following you when you leave.

  16. I also am trying to figure out a furtive means of coming out to my little sisters before they leave this country. I’m thinking about secretly handing them a letter and asking them to read it in the absence of any adults. And ask them to throw it away after they read it. Maybe that’s a bad idea, though.

  17. I don’t think that is a good idea, really. Too easy for an adult to see the letter and demand they hand it over, and that gets them and you in even more strife.

  18. BTW when you say their mother’s taking them to Morocco, is it a visit or permanently? She isn’t leaving the shitface of the male persuasion, is she?

  19. Ally, I wish so much that there was a way to help your sisters. They don’t deserve to be raised by such awful people. But it is good that they have you so that there is someone in their lives who really loves them.

  20. :( are your sisters US citizens so do they have US passports?

  21. I don’t know about their citizenship status completely, but I’m pretty sure they’re US citizens. They lack legal recourse though because my parents are good at hiding evidence of abuse. My step-mom frequently rants about the CPS and thinks they’re out to get her. (Unfortunately for my sisters and fortunately for her, the CPS doesn’t really seem to care, probably because my step-mom is good at acting like a decent mother.) It’s all to be expected. We live in a society that doesn’t give a shit about survivors and instead obsesses over the imaginary specter of false allegations.

    I guess I won’t send my little sisters the letter. I don’t want to potentially hurt them indirectly in the manner kitteh described. It just hurts to not be out to them. I’m afraid they will never know me as their sister. I hate this fucking world.

  22. I don’t know if their stay will be permanent. I have faith that they will come back to the US, even if it won’t be until they’re 18 and 19 respectively. But they will stay for a very long time. And I also don’t know if my step-mom wants to sever the marital relationship but it can’t be ruled out. She has reasons to come back to the US as well.

    I wish they could be in my care somehow. But I know I can’t possibly support anyone else right now, let alone provide them basic amenities and essentials. I’m so worried about them. I’m afraid of never hearing from them again. They are such sweet, adorable sisters. I can’t stand this.

  23. My step-mother used to say she loved me. She used to even defend me from my father’s verbal abuse. We used to vent together about my father’s shitty behavior. But all along I was a “worthless”, “helpless”, “pathetic”, and “lazy” to her. I trusted her and this is the “kindness” I get in return. She hates me. She hates my guts. She never loved me in the first place. Maybe it’s because I really am that horrible deep down inside. I don’t know.

  24. I’m nervous about what the shitfaced abusers (plural) could do to you while you’re there, including following you when you leave.

    Worst comes to worst, I’ll go on the bus to an obscure part of town and find an alternative route. And then midway there I could ask my friends to pick me up.

  25. Maybe it’s because I really am that horrible deep down inside.

    Ally, enough! You are NOT horrible and it’s your indoctrinated jerkbrain saying you are. Those are the lessons your abusers taught you, and they’re all bullshit.

    Do you think your little sisters are being abused because they’re horrible inside? No, you don’t, and why should you? You know that’s fucking lies. It’s also fucking lies about yourself: you are a GOOD person.

  26. You’re right. They would get upset at me and feel awful if they heard me say that I hate myself to the core. They should never hate themselves. They should never know the pain of feeling fundamentally worthless and unlovable. I should try to be a better example for them.

  27. What if I gave my brother the letter, and he had them read it for themselves? That would minimize the risk of parents finding out.

  28. They’d need to be at his place (he’s not in the Parental Units’ place, is he?). I just don’t feel it’s safe for any of you to have that letter around at all. And truth be told, I’m not sure I trust your brother to get it right, going on the way he’s done stuff before. I might be wronging him but I just don’t think he quite knows how to do the Keep This Secret thing.

    It’s not even about setting an example to your sisters, on the self-hating thing. It’s that it’s abusers’ talk, it’s a pattern they’ve imprinted on you, and it’s the sort of thing you rationally know is shit, and – this is the important bit – have refuted when you’re supporting other victims of abuse.

    I know one can’t talk oneself intellectually out of deep-seated emotions and fears – if only it were that easy! – but I keep harping on this stuff to try to give you more ammunition for a cognitive battle, as it were. Fake it till you make it, almost. I know you know how wrong the self-hatred is: not wrong as in “Bad self-hater!” but as in “This fucked-up self image courtesy of Abusive Shits, P/L.” All of which is tl:dr for trying to stir up the same compassion, wit and knowledge you show people who need it, right here on this blog, and push the idea that you deserve all those things too.

    Strewth I’m being long-winded tonight. I hope I’m not stepping over lines, Ally, and I really apologise if that’s so. I don’t know how to say these things without being more blunt about it.

  29. With this kind of thing, I can trust my brother (who, incidentally, lives at my dad’s house currently although he also often stays at my uncle’s house, and my uncle won’t be back for a week). He is good at keeping secrets for the most part, especially regarding my transness.

    Anyway, I understand everything you’re saying regarding self-hatred. I’m just having a really rough time right now and I can’t think clearly at all. I can’t deal with this loss.

  30. Ally, I’ve never encountered your kinds of problems, so take this FWIW, but… I have felt a lot of self-contempt about my mental illness and things that’s happened in my life (and actually suffered depressive psychosis at one point when these completely spiralled out of control). What I’ve found out, personally, is that it does help a bit to rationally argue against these feelings, as Kitten have been doing in this thread. But you gotta repeat these arguments every time jerkybrain sticks its ugly head up (i.e. millions of repetitions in the end). Not just one rehearsal of “rational argument as to why I ought not to feel this way about myself”, and not just repeating short self-help memes like “I’m a good person, I love myself” over and over either, but repeating actual arguments over and over and over again.

    As I said, take this piece of advice FWIW, since I have no experience with your kind of problems.

    Also, sending all the cyberhugs. :-(

  31. Ally S,

    I finally called my dad today. He told me that my step mom really isn’t worth seeing because, as he described her words, she basically was explicitly transmisogynistic towards me. She “jokingly” said “If he [sic] is going to look that girly, then he [sic] might as well start having a girly strut in his [sic] walk, too!” while laughing at a picture of me with long hair (kind of like the one I shared earlier in this thread).

    She also apparently calls me worthless, lazy, and helpless behind my back despite openly claiming to be caring towards me and saying that I should be grateful for all she has done for me. My dad said it bothered him only because he perceived it as an attempt to make him upset (although he didn’t express any indignation at her for actually expressing her eagerness to bully me – to him, all that seems to matter is how he felt). My youngest sister has heard those words as well. And apparently when she heard the transmisogynistic remarks, she became very distressed and almost started crying in response.

    DO NOT BELIEVE THIS! DO NOT BELIEVE YOUR FATHER!

    Sorry to shout but I’m desperate for you to see this. Do not believe your father when he tells you things that your step-mother supposedly said. This is exactly what an abuser does. He is almost certainly lying to drive a wedge between you and your step-mother because he cannot bear the idea that you might be allies against his abuse. I have just been reading about exactly this in Lundy Bancroft’s book.

    Just step back, ignore jerkbrain for a minute and think about the two people in question. There is your father who you know tells lies, is abusive and is trying to get you back under his control. And there is your step-mother who has always been supportive and loving towards you. who is the kinder and more truthful, in your experience? Hint: it isn’t him!

    I believe that your father is lying and that, probably, if anyone said those words and made your sister nearly cry, it was your father – don’t they sound much more like something he would say? He is putting his words into your step-mother’s mouth to remove her support of you and your support of her.

    Look through his lies and his manipulations, and see that not only are you worthy and stronger than he knows, but that your step-mother has always thought so too.

  32. I wrote a draft of a letter that I want to send to them: http://mellowness.dreamwidth.org/35621.html

    It’s probably a terrible letter, but whatever…I just mostly want to vent I guess.

  33. Ally, I get it. It’s hard enough to think clearly about things that are under the stressful banner, let alone under the godawful traumatic one, when they’re chewing holes in your heart. That’s why I want this written for you to come back to, whenever you’re up to it, just as reinforcement. It’s exactly what Dvarg said: keep chipping away. Bloody hard work, even more so when you’re exhausted from all this shit, but you (general you) have to argue jerkbrain down all the time. This is me dredging up stuff from a coupla years of cognitive behavioural therapy, if you hadn’t already guessed.

    I’m glad I was wrong about your brother! I might have been muddling up, thinking he’d told the parental unit something he shouldn’t have, before. Sorry about that!

  34. @titianblue

    I understand what you’re saying, but I have hard evidence that my step-mom is abusive and transmisogynistic and talks shit about me behind my back. I’ve caught her many times mocking me and telling me I’m worthless. That’s why I believe my father. My little sisters have also told me that they hear hurtful things from their mother all the time.

  35. Oh, Ally. I am sorry.

  36. I often do find him lying, but this is a rare situation in which I can trust him. Believe me, he sees no threat in me “teaming up” with my step-mom against him. He knows that my step-mom hates me and terrifies me constantly.

  37. @titianblue

    It’s okay! No need to apologize. I should have clarified earlier.

  38. Ally, that’s not a terrible letter, it’s a beautiful letter! It says everything very clearly.

    The only thing I’m a wee bit worried about is saying your sisters can call you their sister, and so on. I can see the parental units throwing a shitfit if they did. In fact that makes me wonder what would happen just from sending the letter: wouldn’t your sisters want to ask Mummy or Daddy about it, and just get into trouble themselves?

    It’s not the quality of the letter at all: you’re a fine writer. It’s just the possible effects on your sisters’ safety I’m worried about.

  39. You’re right. Perhaps having to hide their knowledge of my situation will be too burdensome for them. I can edit it so as to emphasize that they can call me a sister but not in front of angry parents and other angry people. But maybe even that’s not enough.

    I don’t know. Maybe I’m being selfish. I just desperately want to be out to them. I feel so horrible not being out to them.

  40. I’m going to sleep now. Tomorrow I’ll check out the clinic that provides HRT for poor trans youth. I’m in a lot of pain and I need to rest.

  41. Being out to them isn’t something you’re witholding, so you have no reason to feel horrible about it; you’re not doing them a wrong. None of you is safe, now; this just has to wait.

    Good luck with the clinic tomorrow!

  42. So, I got to the health centre for some follow-up and routine gyne stuff tonight. I drop my pants, hop up and spread my legs. Doc pops in a speculum, begins cranking it open and WHAM! I bleed on them. Total surprise. Isn’t that funny? If this irregular bleeding persists, we’ll be investigating the cause. What fun.

    Anyways, I’m angrypants today. I’m very social but introverted and, when my mood is shitty, have very little patience in social situations. My shrink told me I could self-refer to the organisation through whom I’m getting therapy or that I could wait until he and I get me stable on meds, then be referred to them through him. I self-referred to speed up the process. Not sure how long it’s going to take to get an appointment so may as well get a leg up, right? I got a call back from someone at mental health services today. Terrific. I was looking forward to hearing from them and they got back to me pretty promptly, which is awesome seen as I’m getting the care through public health. I was getting in my car to head to the hospital but had a pretty good buffer so I told them it was a good time to speak. They needed access to my medical records and I needed an appointment once they got those.

    We establish that I self-referred. The person on the line asks “Why”. I told them my shrink had suggested I do so. They ask who my shrink is how long I’ve been seeing them, etc. Then they ask “What does he want us to do? Why did he tell you to contact us?” Um, I would hope you would contact him about that and not rely on a patient to relay a physician’s information to you. I don’t believe it’s too much to ask one’s therapist and psychiatrist to work together, is it? I was quite perturbed. I’m a big fan of helping others help you but this person was no fucking help at all. They were just discouraging. I’d already been told two TOTALLY different things by two different shrinks (disagreed on meds AND the therapy required) and a third mental health professional was now telling me to tell them what I need. I don’t fucking know. If I knew what I needed I would have sought it ages ago. I’m in a shitty place. I am asking for help. That means I need someone who knows what they’re talking about to tell me what I need and help me get it. This person was putting all the responsibility on me. I was fucking discouraged. Finally, they said they’d reach out to my psychiatrist to determine what course of therapy he thought ideal. Great, I thought. Let’s book an appointment for some time after they’ve received and reviewed my medical records.

    I expect mental health professionals to maintain composure and work effectively when they hear someone experiences suicidal ideation. How is anyone supposed to seek help for the issue if they can’t trust the people who are supposed to be capable of assisting them with it to respond reasonably? Instead of just leaving it at “We’ll get in touch with your psychiatrist and then get back to you” or “Let’s book an appointment for late next week, after we’ve seen your medical records” this person starts a mental health assessment. They asked what I struggled with. I told them suicidal ideation. They flew off the handle. It became my job to defuse them. I told them it had been a week since I’d experienced any such thoughts so there was no imminent danger. They already knew I was seeing a psychiatrist. I was no longer feeling acutely inclined to harm myself and had pursued help. I wasn’t good but I wasn’t in danger. I just wanted them to get in touch with my psychiatrist and, once they’d determined together what I needed, give me a hand. Instead they start asking for specifics. I began to get annoyed. I begrudgingly explained. At this point they’re asking if I currently feel suicidal. No. I’ve already told you, a million times no. They ask “Do you have numbers to call if you do?” I tell them yes, I got them from the RCMP and the psych nurse and psychiatrist I saw in emerge AND the psychiatrist whose care I was passed off into. What they asked next was baffling: “What numbers do you have?” I don’t fucking know. They’re various phone numbers for emergency mental health services. I don’t have them fucking memorised. They’re on a card in my wallet. I barked at them that I had the numbers and, even if I didn’t, would go to emerge if I experienced any further suicidal ideation just like I had last time so could they please stop pressing me to recite the fucking phone numbers for them? I am not a surly woman. I was astounded by my annoyance and abruptness.

    By now we’ve established I’m not in immediate harm and even if I were I have a history of seeking help so there’s nothing to worry about. I just want some therapy and to determine exactly what the appropriate course of action is, I need them to work with my psychiatrist. Unless we’re booking an appointment, there’s nothing left to say. Not so! Next this woman wants to know what meds I’m on and in what dosages. Can you say “SPEAK TO MY PHSYCHIATRIST”? I begrudgingly told them but, just to make me a little crankier, this woman’s phone is cutting out so I have to repeat myself several times extremely slowly. I don’t want to be having this discussion at all much less several times. I am seething. Every time her phone cuts out, though, she becomes markedly more panicked, as if my survival and her job depend on this phone call continuing. I’m not benefitting from this phone call. I’m just trying to defuse this person who clearly can’t keep their shit together when confronted with the issue of suicidal ideation. My agitation was likely very apparent. Next they asked if I could come in to see them. “Why?” I just spat it out. I don’t know who you are, only the organisation you’re calling from. I’ve told you ten million times to please communicate with my psychiatrist in order to establish an appropriate course of therapy. You’re still trying to move forward with something without communicating with my doctor and that’s pissing me off. They tell me “So I can figure out what I need to do to help you”. Oh. My. God. TALK TO MY PSYCHIATRIST. They ask me to come see them RIGHT NOW. I say “No”. They ask “Why?” BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO! “Where are you going?” HOLY SHIT, FUCK OFF! I told them I have to go to an appointment. “I have to go” does not mean “I have to go kill myself”. I need them to chill out. We’ve been over this ten millions times, I’m safe. To placate them, I tell them I’ll come see them tomorrow. They ask if morning is good for me. Yep, morning please. “Does noon work for you?” NOON IS NOT EVEN MORNING. We agreed on 11am and I drove off VERY annoyed.

    When I got home this evening I left them a voicemail saying I won’t be coming in tomorrow because I’m not comfortable pursuing therapy until they’ve been in contact with my psychiatrist so I’ll wait for him to refer me.

    When the person seeking help has to fucking spoon-feed the person who is supposed to be helping them, it’s unlikely that person will ever be inclined to seek help for that issue again. Thanks a lot!

  43. I second the rest, Ally, it’s a beautiful letter. Very well put.

  44. @Ally_S

    My honest opinion is that you are a genuinely nice woman who has had a really really tough time. The fact that you had to deal with crap (and are currently dealing with crap) doesn’t mean you aren’t a good person. You are a good person.

    (in case you would like hugs).

    Also, I really like you in your photo. I see what you mean about looking femme and I literally went “Naaawwwww :)” when I saw it.

    Maybe it’s because I really am that horrible deep down inside. I don’t know.

    In terms of you being “horrible”, I can’t see you being horrible at any level. Nice? Yes. Brave? Yes. Kind? Yes. Horrible? No. Also, I have been told things like that … and yeah, when it happened, it didn’t have anything to do with me or anything I did, but had everything to do with people trying to keep me under control. In addition, I support what everyone else is saying about this situation.

    Finally: You. Are. A. Good. Person.

  45. @Ally: if your sisters have US passports, that will assist them if they need US consulate help overseas. :)

    @marinerachel: I’m wondering if the person you spoke to was an administrator or receptionist rather than a therapist. I have no idea why they started such a mental health assessment over the phone – they may have had a script to follow. It seems really sucky that you might feel better had the psychiatrist referred in the first place.

    Hugs to both of you if you want them. And cat fur, always cat fur.

  46. I have some good news from today, I passed my PhD confirmation so I am now a full PhD student, rather than a provisional candidate. Hooray.

  47. Ally, I wish I had some good advice, but I’ll just repeat what everyone else is saying: Don’t listen to your jerkbrain. You’re awesome. And like Dvärghundspossen said, argue back against your jerkbrain when you find yourself falling into destructive patterns of thought.

    That’s basically what Cognative Behavioral Therapy is, arguing back against your jerkbrain, and I know people who’ve benefitted from it. I know that when I was really depressed, my thinking was very clearly distorted by the depression. Which I could only partially see at the time. It’s really good that you know when your jerkbrain is talking, because it means you can fight against that kind of thinking.

    Ally, your letter is great. It’s very clear how much you care about your sisters, and I think they know that already, and that it will be a source of strength for them. .

    Marinerachel, goddamn that’s frustrating, and completely unprofessional of them. Can you contact your psychiatrist to speed up the process of him referring you?

  48. pallygirl, congratulations!

  49. Does anyone want me to open up a new thread?

    We’re overdue for one, but I’m a little hesitant to open it up in the middle of active conversations like these, though I will link people back to this thread.

  50. Thanks, David, a new thread’s a great idea. :)

    Pallygirl, whoot!

  51. Oh, David – I’m Canadian! We take things sloooooow and insist everyone else go ahead of us in line! I might be able to see a therapist in their private practice more quickly but I’m not in a great position to be paying for therapy.

    I can speak to my psychiatrist and the therapist he works with who liaises between my shrink and the mental health organisation that will provide my therapy. The referral will be submitted as soon as my psychiatrist is satisfied with the meds and dosages he’s got me on (warning, TMI: hoooooooooooly, am I ever horny on these) and is confident in his assessment of what therapy I need to pursue. I’m OK in the meantime. I was a lot better BEFORE that person called me. I was more inclined to hurt them (which I would never do) than myself though.

    I’m stuck between the concern I was being an impatient asshole with someone who was just trying to help me and I’m being too nice for not reporting the incident. I have no desire to get anyone in shit but “Hey guys, this is what happened and it discouraged me from pursuing therapy in general, with this person in particular” might provide some insight and opportunity for learning. I hate criticising people though. I’m already racked with guilt for having been as abrupt and aggressive as I was with that woman.

  52. Ally s

    My father is the same way, He’ll try to break you down emotionally making it that’s it all your fault so it’s easier to control you. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! Don’t let him win and be there for your sisters so they wont let him win either. He’ll do whatever it takes to gain control over you.

  53. Argenti Aertheri

    Marinerachel — idk if you saw my complaints about meds psych from hell, and my lack of desire to report her, but I got a certified letter not long ago about her not being with the clinic. On one hand, w00t! On the other…other people must’ve filed complaints right? Would mine have made it happen faster? Point here is fuck the person being an ass, if you’re gonna worry, worry about the other the people they could hurt, not them.

    And that is really ass. The only part of that that makes sense is ensuring that suicidal ideation =/= in danger. And that doesn’t require an inquisition!

    Argh! Hopefully you can find somewhere less populated by assholes!

    Ally — they probably aren’t going to be able to keep sister/brother she/he etc straight, and when one slip is all it takes, I really wouldn’t risk it. I don’t say this to discourage you, but because even pecunium uses the wrong pronouns for me on occasion, and he’s a grown ass adult. It’s one thing in his living room when an eye roll is the result, in front of your father though? And that’s with me consistently using ze, only person who’s successfully used ze with me personally, and gendered pronouns in front of my parents is LBT — who’s got a lot more practice than your sisters.

    I wish you had sensible parents and your sisters could be all “we love our big sister!” and you could be all “I love you too! Who wants candy?” (Spoil ‘em rotten and send ‘em home, that’s my motto!)

  54. @Ally

    it made sense, Ally. And it sounds like you’ve been a good sister to your younger sisters.

    I wish they could be in my care somehow. But I know I can’t possibly support anyone else right now, let alone provide them basic amenities and essentials. I’m so worried about them. I’m afraid of never hearing from them again. They are such sweet, adorable sisters. I can’t stand this.

    ::offering hugs, if wanted:: I don’t have any advice though :(

    What if I gave my brother the letter, and he had them read it for themselves? That would minimize the risk of parents finding out.

    As far as I can tell it work? But I’m not very knowledgeable here.

    It looked like a good letter to me, Ally :3

    I don’t know. Maybe I’m being selfish. I just desperately want to be out to them. I feel so horrible not being out to them

    It’s not selfish to want to be out to them.

  55. @marinerachel

    I expect mental health professionals to maintain composure and work effectively when they hear someone experiences suicidal ideation. How is anyone supposed to seek help for the issue if they can’t trust the people who are supposed to be capable of assisting them with it to respond reasonably

    Jedi hugs from me, if wanted. Sadly, there are way too many shitty mental health professionals out there.

    They asked what I struggled with. I told them suicidal ideation. They flew off the handle. It became my job to defuse them.

    Okay, taht person sounds super fucking shitty :(

    I’m stuck between the concern I was being an impatient asshole with someone who was just trying to help me and I’m being too nice for not reporting the incident.

    I don’t think you were being an impatient asshole. YOu can report the incident if you want (I definetly dont think it would be uncalled for). But I don’t think you need to if you don’t want to or it’d make you stressed.

    But rambles. It took me a long time to learn that just because I tell someone I”m depressed doesn’t mean I want to have an hour long conversation about it. People should be able to mention that shit, especially when you’re just trying to schedule an appointment and someone asks without a long conversatoin about it.

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