Caulking in Her Cock Vault: A New and Improved Chateau Heartiste Crib Sheet of Game

Don't let anyone see you checking your notes!

Don’t let anyone see you checking your notes!

So our dear friend Heartiste, the white-supremacist woman-botherer, has assembled a little “Chateau Heartiste Crib Sheet of Game,” a compilation of some of his best pickup advice, boiled down to a few handy tips and clever one-liners that wannabe alpha males can use on the ladies during conversation in order to get their ginas tingling. (Sorry, that’s the way these guys talk.)

Looking at Heartiste’s list of “lines” I was struck by how generic and, well, frankly unoriginal most of them were, from standard issue negs like “nice shoes. Those are really popular now” and “is she always like this?” to old-school PUA cliches like “I don’t buy girls drinks but you can buy me one” and  “what else do you have going for you besides your looks?” both of which come straight from peacocking PUA pioneer Mystery, the guy with the fuzzy hat and the long-ago-cancelled VH1 show.

Indeed, a lot of Heartiste’s “lines” are as old and stale as he is:

Don’t get clingy

Miss me already?

Hey, hands off the merchandise

If i didn’t know any better i’d say you were trying to pick me up

So I thought I’d do Heartiste a little favor and write up some new lines for him and his fans that are both more original and a bit more honest. Next time you’re in “da club,” Heartiste, why don’t you try some of these out? Some of these I made up myself; some are taken, or adapted, from things you yourself wrote.

Hi, I spend most of my life on the internet trying to figure out how to manipulate drunk women half my age into bed.

People on the internet know me as Heartiste. No, not Fartiste. With an H. No, it’s not a joke. I thought it up myself.

I like to call black people “darkies.” No, not to their face. Anonymously, on the internet.

I’m an alluringly savvy man self-assuredly parrying the clit-hardened jousts of intrigued women.

Too much outbreeding decreases charitable kin-feeling and incentivizes a decadent ennui that severs the citizen’s sense of obligation to his nation and co-ethnics.

A gentlemanly selectiveness honed by years of experience and psychological nimbleness has proved adequate at filtering out women likely to lay like dead fish in my roiling sea of sperm.

If anyone can usurp the lawyercunt in cuntishness, it’s the Twittercunt.

The walls are closing in on the lords of lies and their feels army of emotabots.

Whether our ruling class knows it or they bumble along like drug addicts seeking the next pleasurable injection of power at any cost, their sex-swapping project will turn the West into matricentric, female forager Africa.

Every time we had sex over the following weeks, it ended with her tucking her knees under her chin naked on the bed to quietly cry into the wrapped bubble of her body.

The only bond that matters in a woman’s heart is the one you caulk in her cock vault.

The ruling elites despise whites, despise the concept of whiteness, and despise especially the idea that the territory and nation and culture from which they parasitically suck the lifeblood was created and sustained primarily by white men.

The id of the Like Me Generation is a furry suit wrapping a toddler.

Women should avoid trying to be funny altogether and stick to maximizing the return on their authentically valuable assets. That would be your tits, ass, face and pussy, in case you were wondering.

That last bit was pure Heartiste. (As were the previous ten.) Like the women of the world, I can’t hope to attain such pinnacles of wit.

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Posted on March 15, 2014, in alpha males, antifeminism, beta males, evil sexy ladies, evil women, heartiste, I'm totally being sarcastic, irony alert, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, precious bodily fluids, PUA, racism, reactionary bullshit and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 319 Comments.

  1. I try! When you don’t even see ” “, that was a failed attempt by my at blockquote…
    …I think I wrote quoteblock… oops. Yes, real intellectual genius by my there…. ouch…

    Ehem. I see. But it would be a bit frustrating to see all those negative opinions about movement atheism here and not speak up for it. However, I suppose, yeah, I’ve made my point and can in fact keep quiet now.

  2. Did you get the Firefox toolbar? It made the blockquoting so much easier for me. I once got devoured so spectacularly by the blockquote monster it made it into the Welcome Package. ::preens::

  3. I definitely don’t want to eradicate religion. I just think it’s important to acknowledge that religion can be a cause of, and not just an excuse for, bigotry. That’s really all I’ve been saying, albeit a bit angrily as a result of some very unpleasant memories resurfacing when thinking about Christianity and homophobia (not triggered or anything, don’t worry).

  4. RE: Kittehs

    Not to mention that it’s freaking obvious non-human animals think, and recognise elements of human language. Nice bit of toxic anthropocentrism in all this language = thinking stuff.

    *scratches head* Actually, from what I recall, there’s some debate over language acquisition in animals. There are rules for languages… but some human languages break them, and I THINK that whale and dolphin communication sometimes qualified. Plus, how we define language is incredibly narrow. (For the longest time, deaf folks had to fight and be like, “No, assholes, Sign Language is a LANGUAGE, not just a transcription of a different one.”) So I would be completely unsurprised if animals have their own form of communication that reach the intricacy of language, just in a form so alien to us humans we missed it.

    the endless universalising of rightwingUSChristianity to represent the whole freaking religion, or all religions, or all belief, is what really pisses me off.

    Speaking of which… FRED PHELPS HAS EXPIRED! Though I try to spend as little mental energy on that wretched man as possible, I will confess that my first thought is, “DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD.” May he never blacken our doorsteps again. And hopefully that beastly little church will dissolve without his leadership and we can erase them from communal memory.

    RE: CassandraKitty

    Also, can we stop pretending that America is the universe?

    NEVER! And yeah, I’m pretty sick of this too. I was enjoying discussing with other atheists and religious people how they interpret and feel spirituality and lack thereof, but I am so sick of this dead horse resurrecting yet again.

    Mr C has lots of Catholic relatives, and guess who’s everyone’s favorite auntie?

    Aaaaand I just came out multi to one of the women at my trans group who’s a conservative libertarian Catholic. She was very kind about it.

    RE: emilygoddess

    Don’t have to, I am one. ;-) Also a Pagan. And also pretty sure there are no gods. All of which is one of the reasons why that conflation of concepts so irritates me.

    My apologies. And yeah, hubby hasn’t been in church for ages, but is considering trying a UU place again. I think my younger sibling is also interested since lately zie has been veering… not sure if Pagan is the right word, but definitely some sort of internal individual faith.

  5. May he never blacken our doorsteps again. And hopefully that beastly little church will dissolve without his leadership and we can erase them from communal memory.

    Not likely, unfortunately. He was actually *excommunicated* from WBC before his death. There is some karmatic justice in that: At the end of his life he has been cut off from everything that was important to him in his life, his church. That’s a nice thought. Plus, according to his hypercalvinist theology that pretty much means he is not one of the elect, so according to his own theology he’s going to hell now.

    But in more practical terms that means the church had already divested itself from him even before his death. It’s apparently ruled by a council of elders now who won a power struggle against that woman who was for years the church’s spokesperson. So, yeah, it already was without his leadership.

  6. Enh. They can’t last much longer. When even the Klan hates you, you’re pretty much doomed to infamy and erasure, only to be remembered as a shameful thing of the past. Like Ma and Pa Ferguson.

  7. My favorite coverage of Phelps’ death was an article in the Daily Mail crediting him with actually helping the cause of LGBT rights in the US, since the other homophobes had to tread lightly and not to push too hard lest they be associated with him. I’m sure someone on WorldNet Daily or InfoWars is calling him a secret gay infiltrator as we speak…

  8. cassandrakitty

    It’s OK, I was doing the Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead dance too.

  9. RE: emilygoddess

    My favorite coverage of Phelps’ death was an article in the Daily Mail crediting him with actually helping the cause of LGBT rights in the US, since the other homophobes had to tread lightly and not to push too hard lest they be associated with him.

    Honestly, despite all the wretchedness of the Daily Mail, I have to kind of agree. Because, remember, this is the group THE KKK disavowed. I remember their website for a while had a freakin’ disclaimer that summed down to: “No, we are not the WBC. Stop associating us with those wingnuts.”

    I have also discovered that no matter what disagreements I have with anyone, I think we can always band together in our united dislike of the WBC. NOBODY likes those fuckers.

  10. Is it manboobz or mangina. I bet you make your inflatable date proud

  11. Is it manboobz or mangina?? I bet you make your inflatable dates proud.

  12. Well, I’m not quite sure why bhodi1555 felt the need to repeat that hackneyed excuse for an insult twice, but, well, there it is.

  13. cassandrakitty

    Well, I mean, he added two question marks to the second version. You know someone is a serious individual who’s not to be trifled with when they double up on their punctuation.

  14. Double question marks is the new two-dot ellipses.

  15. @bhodi1555, you know it’d help with those sticky keys if you cleaned your keyboard, right?

  16. I feel like I should screenshot this for the next time some “incel” comes here to whine about how we are all mean evil virgin-shamers.

  17. Looks like I missed the most boring troll of all time. What a shame.

  18. Is it manboobz or mangina?? I bet you make your inflatable dates proud.

    You speak like someone who would know from Rubber Ritas. Just sayin’.

  19. Is it manboobz or mangina??

    Is it trolling or just stupid? My money’s on both.

  20. Man Boobz? More like MANGINA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Sounds like a joke made by a 6th grader

  21. David’s (presumably David’s) inflatable dates also turned plural in the second draft. For whatever reason.

  22. These idiots fail to realize that “mangina” isn’t even insulting to people outside their pathetic little subculture. Protip: people who don’t hate women don’t tend to mind being compared to women.

    (Also, men can have vaginas).

  23. I will confess that my first thought is, “DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD.”

    I tuned this up as soon as I knew it.

    “Some say we should only say good things of the dead. He’s dead – good!” – someone smarter than me

  24. cassandrakitty

    They may as well just go ahead and say “poopyhead”. Just as juvenile, but at least people outside their weird little subculture would have some idea what they were going on about.

  25. David’s (presumably David’s) inflatable dates also turned plural in the second draft. For whatever reason.

    David got a little more alpha. Either that or it’s his feminism, since we all know what male feminists are in it for

  26. Poor MRAs. How sad to be afraid your inflatable girlfriend would desert you for a feminist guy given half a chance.

  27. Even their imaginary girlfriends are rejecting them. That IS sad.

  28. No the inflatable dolls just know that David is a beta. They’re planning on cuckolding him. How could you people not see that!?

  29. RE: vaityt

    *watches vid in silent, wide-eyed fascination, because it is WAAAAAAAY more interesting than the drive-by* Hallelujah, this means that stupid religion discussion is over!

  30. I’m coming at this from a Christian perspective, so… I’m kind of curious about the experience that Phelps is having right about now.

    I’m about to get up on a really big soapbox, so feel free to skip this one, if you’re not into the discussion about religion. Sorry but this is something that really gets to me.

    I get really tired of religion, Christianity for decades and now Islam, being held up as the cause of hatred, homophobia, etc. in the world. It’s my faith and, while I understand, accept and… heck, I’ll say it, celebrate the fact that others have found their place in other belief systems, this is the one that I’ve chosen and it’s sacred to me. I’m not shitting on yours, please extend me the same courtesy. Sadly enough, those who proclaim that they share my faith are the ones shitting on it the most.

    Hate is a choice. Should someone choose to hate, it’s purely because they want to and hiding behind religion or science or whatever is only a way to shield themselves. They know that it’s wrong and they know they should, rightly, face condemnation for their behavior. As the Bible is a very large text, which requires a lot of historical context and understanding, it’s very easy to cherry pick a verse here and there to justify anything. However, taken as a whole, with appropriate historic context applied, it’s a very wonderful book that encourages the very best in all of us. It saddens me to see it used to justify so many evils in the world.

    Parents don’t beat their children because they read Debi Pearl’s ass backward book about how to do it right. They beat their children because they’re abusive assholes. People don’t bash homosexuals because of the verse in Leviticus, which is outdated Old Testament law. They bash homosexuals because they want to. On the flip side, people who volunteer in soup kitchens and homeless shelters don’t do it because Christ commanded it. They do it because they want to make the world a better place. People who rescue abused animals aren’t doing it because the Bible says to be good stewards of the earth. They’re doing it because they care for animals and want to help them. It goes both ways.

    Most Christians are good people. Most Muslims are good people. Most people in general are good people. It’s just the very vocal minority of assholes who have co-opted these religions to shield themselves from contempt that are making headlines.

  31. RE: Nova

    I’m kind of curious about the experience that Phelps is having right about now.

    I think the experience of being stuck in a box under six feet of turf, unable to communicate or influence anyone, sounds perfectly appropriate.

  32. NOVA YOU FOOL YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE THE DEAD HORSE RESURRECT ALL OVER AGAIN

  33. Wow. Ok. I’ll keep my posts to myself from now on…

  34. Nova – don’t worry, and a high five from me.

    I’d bet Phelps is going to have a lot of self-examination to do. At least I hope so. A serious dose of self-awareness should keep him busy for a century or so.

  35. RE: Nova

    Sorry, it’s not you, it’s just that I’m really sick of the “BUT RELIGION MAKES PEOPLE EVIL” dead horse constantly resurrecting. I’m worried that Octo will return for yet another iteration of, “BUT WAIT….” and I’ve had enough of her for now.

  36. I think Octo’s a bloke.

  37. I’m sorry, Nova! Please come back, I didn’t mean to blast you! D:

    And oh, oops. Sorry, Octo.

  38. LBT: It’s all good. I have a very emotionally draining job, so I get a little sensitive. My apologies for overreacting. The religion bit irks the crap out of me too. It’s to the point that I refuse to self identify, when it comes to religion, because I don’t want to have to explain it to people over and over again.

    I’m SO off to bed. Tonight was phenomenally awesome, but my legs and my brain feel like jelly. Being “on” for hours on end, cheerful, chipper and all of that saps every last ounce of social energy that I have.

  39. Reblogged this on The Monster's Ink and commented:
    LOOK AT THIS: “to old-school PUA cliches like “I don’t buy girls drinks but you can buy me one” and “what else do you have going for you besides your looks?” both of which come straight from peacocking PUA pioneer Mystery,”

    “What else do you have going for you besides your looks?”

    Oh, dear, that is basically punching yourself. My online dating profile includes a clause that specifically repels exactly this type of user, for exactly this reason. I can tell which guys haven’t actually read my profile based on how they respond to (or totally ignore) my “I don’t want to hear about my looks” line. It DOES help to filter out the doucherockets.

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