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Slit Ass Birch Ho: The sad tale of a nice guy thwarted

slitass2slitass3

And that is just the beginning of a wondrous little exchange between a self-described “nice guy” trying out some bad boy charm on a not-very receptive woman on OkCupid who nonetheless deals with his ridiculous assholery with aplomb.

Note to “nice guy.” You might want to reconsider some of your assumptions. And work on your typing.

I found this on the endlessly fascinating, if often deeply disturbing, CreepyPMs subreddit, one of Reddit’s few redeeming features. You can read the rest of the conversation here, and the CreepyPM post here.

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Arete
Arete
6 years ago

birch ho

Goddam slutty trees.

hellkell
hellkell
6 years ago

Uff da. This dude needs spelling and “how to human” lessons.

freemage
freemage
6 years ago

Just… whut?

fromafar2013
fromafar2013
6 years ago

Don’t think it’s a birch, but it’s totes a ho.
comment image

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
6 years ago

He was from the nice man branch of the family.

AIT
AIT
6 years ago

Wow… that’s magical.

Goddam slutty trees.

Trees. MISANDRY.

therainparade
6 years ago

I’m laughing so hard!! I didn’t realize that “slit” and “birch” were typos and I was wracking my brain trying to make sense of this new misogynistic slang!

Arete
Arete
6 years ago

Kiwi girl

He was from the nice man branch of the family.

But he isn’t going to be very poplar with that kind of attitude.

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
6 years ago

Do you think he will eventually fig-ure out why?

Arete
Arete
6 years ago

Maple if enough people hand him his ash…

(Oh god, I can’t stop.)

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
6 years ago

Well, when word gets around his chances with females will be kapok.

fromafar2013
fromafar2013
6 years ago

LOL @ split tail. My mom uses that! I always thought it was one of those quaint older generation southern things, you know, the ones you think are harmless until you know where they came from. Never gave it much thought because I have heard literally no one else use it.

katz
6 years ago

I, for one, am not pining for him.

katz
6 years ago

Not even if he gets left in the larch.

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
6 years ago

Well, he won’t be getting many dates, yew know.

fromafar2013
fromafar2013
6 years ago

PS: She only used it to describe cats when they were worked up or acting hyper (ie: “Lookit those split tailed pussy cats!”) Never any other context :/

My Mom is weird…

leftwingfox
6 years ago

He needs to spruce up his vocabulary if he doesn’t want women to needle him.

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
6 years ago

And if he complains he was misunderstood, everyone will see through that old chestnut.

Arete
Arete
6 years ago

Life with is just no day at the beech.

Arete
Arete
6 years ago

Life with HIM. Tablet knows a bad pun, acts to prevent atrocity.

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
6 years ago

/sigh, press him for an apology.

Arete
Arete
6 years ago

Though I do give credit, that message is in the running for the worst pickup line in all of hickory.

Newt
Newt
6 years ago

If this approach does work out, someone willow him an apology.

fromafar2013
fromafar2013
6 years ago

If anyone tried that on me I’d tell them to put a cork in it.

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
6 years ago

He really should just mallow out.

grumpycatisagirl
6 years ago

I wonder if he lives DIRECTLY on a beech . . .

Chie Satonaka
Chie Satonaka
6 years ago

I never understood split tail, personally. Everyone’s “tail” is split….

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

I dream of a day a girl is nice to me…they never are

You could try not opening with an incomprehensible insult. Just a thought.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

Oak kay everyone. Enough with the punning.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

Just look at all these misandrists!
comment image%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.cityblossoms.com%252Fblog%252F2013%252F11%252F06%252Fbirch-not-just-a-tree-anymore%252F%3B550%3B367

Bostonian
Bostonian
6 years ago

I really like birch beer…

A statement that makes more sense than his opener, and is nicer.

Robert
Robert
6 years ago

From afar – that bikini tree has some junk in the trunk.

The OP’s junk is clearly in his head. I’ll stop here; don’t want anyone to get sick o’ more puns.

gillyrosebee
6 years ago

What’s the matter, weirwoodtreehugger? Are you plum tired of all the puns? Cherry up, there can’t be that many more of them out there!

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
6 years ago

Sadly, no-one rose to the occasion re the request to stop the puns.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

gillyrosebee, orange you glad my anger isn’t blossoming?

grumpycatisagirl
6 years ago

WWTH, you still might want to trim it down a little if you don’t want to look like a big crabapple.

AIT
AIT
6 years ago

Log this as another day of great puns.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

Fine grumpycat, I’m getting in my canoe and rowan out of here.

Falconer
6 years ago

I love this place.

ignotussomnium
ignotussomnium
6 years ago

Not her fault he’s such a dogwood.

blanktie
blanktie
6 years ago

Blargh. Not this nice guy shtick again. They all say the same things, in the same way. Are they the same person on the internet or what?

That convo had a nice ending at least. Lol

leatapp
leatapp
6 years ago

Just leaving this here:

Lady Mondegreen
6 years ago

What acorn-y bunch you all are. You arbor be ash amed.

katz
6 years ago

Blargh. Not this nice guy shtick again.

You mean this nice guy stick.

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
6 years ago

If only he’d twig onto the fact that he’s a laughing stock.

katz
6 years ago

I think he’s barking up the wrong tree.

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
6 years ago

He should just leave.

grumpycatisagirl
6 years ago

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