An open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.
As usual for these threads: no trolls, no arguments.
Posted on February 7, 2014, in off topic, open thread. Bookmark the permalink. 1,059 Comments.
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@kittehs
Idk, I mean my main beef was my mom was being an ass about sensor overload making me literally unable to function and she was acting like [the noise making that happen] was affecting everyone the same when it clearly wasn’t.
Ok, that wasn’t really a response, so it’s just more me rambling. And idk if most neurotypical ppl use it too narrowly, cuz most of the ppl I hang around who use it are neuroatypical.
::shrugs::
RE: mildlymagnificent
I just realized that I said I didn’t agree with ANY of the book, rather than that I didn’t agree with ALL of it. *shame* But I’m sure Ally knew what I meant.
Be careful with that one. He’d read barely more than a couple of chapters before he had to 1) put the book aside, 2) ring up for an appointment with his psychiatrist. It was devastating for quite a while.
Enh, honestly, I don’t think there’s a way to soften the blow when your brain finally realizes your parents are toxic to you. *shrug* I don’t consider it ideal, but seeing as Ally’s trying to detach from someone who’s threatened physical violence on her multiple times and is now trying to stalk her, I figure physical distance trumps sanity. I have more faith in Ally surviving a mental breakdown than I do in her surviving HIM.
…God, I hate that these are decisions I’m accustomed to making on a daily basis.
RE: Ally
Good luck in Colorado!
Your mum or your stepmum, Marie? I know your stepmum’s an ass about lots of things … :(
I can totally sympathise about noise making life fucking unlivable. Noise is the thing that sent me to year-long CBT twice (specifically loud music heard at home) and caused the one panic attack I’ve ever had. And yeah, my mum’s not an ass but she doesn’t get it at all about my reaction to noise, even though she saw that panic attack.
::hugs and earplugs::
“What is it called when someone’s gender swaps often?”
That’s sorta my pharm student’s deal, and ze ID’s as genderfluid. Me? I more hang out in the middle, cuz gender is weird!
@kittehs
Nope, this time it was my mom :/ Tho I’m hoping I can explain to her why what she did was so hurtful after she’s done ‘floucing’ (for lack of a better word.) She’s been an ass about my depression earlier and actually learned, and ditto w/ being an ass about what I wear, so I’ve got a lot more hope for repairing things with her than with my stepmom.
::hugs eagerly accepted::
Also, kind of a weird thing I figure I’ll use the open thread for.
As folks here generally know, 2012 and 2013 were really bad years for me, full of poverty, homelessness, and mental illness. I have now been stably housed for a month, have money for necessities of life, and though I’m still waiting on food stamps and health insurance, I am no longer operating on a base survival level.
This is a really good thing, obviously, but now I guess it’s just finally sinking in just how bad those years were, and the shit I had to do to keep myself alive. Like, obviously I’ve survived the ordeal, but I still have very little energy and I look pretty haggard, and my other system-mates have been trying to gently introduce me to the idea that I may have done myself permanent damage. I pretty much ran the front through those bad years, and I’m the damage sink of the system, but I might have finally wrecked myself for good.
Obviously, I’m hoping this isn’t true, but it’s also hard to deal with the idea that it is. I was always the worker of the system, the person who could survive any trauma or horror, and now… I don’t know. I guess I’m just dealing with the transition of my identity from “workaholic survivor of everything” to “mental geriatric who needs to be retired,” plus the residual D8 of those bad years I staggered through.
Thanks for letting me talk, anyway. I don’t really think there’s anything to be done about this stuff, just time and rest, I guess.
@LBT
Hugs from me, if wanted. I hope you can recover.
LBT, you’ve definitely had a difficult stretch. More e-hugs if they’re wanted, and wishes for rest, recovery, and healing.
TL;DR: Being disabled is HARD, baww.
*hugs* yes, yes it is. As for nothing to be done about it…take Sneak houseplant shopping? Zie’d be thrilled and maybe that’d make you feel a bit better? Ignore me if that bit of advice is out of line!
Oh, though…Sneak? Would you like an African violet? I made some babies for Pecunium but ended up with too many…I intend to give them away once it’s warm enough to safely transport them, so if Rogan okay’s it, you can totally have one! :)
Yes it is. And… That’s perfectly okay. I find it commendable that your system managed to pull through a year that, when viewed in snippets through this comment section, must have been quite damned full of suck.
E-hugs from me, and all the best.
Can someone explain the overlap with pro-ana and anti ana stuff? I see blogs that are either entirely anti ana or pro-ana(“starvation is totally healthy! You’re supposed to feel like you’re dying!”) or both. Like they have an eating disorder, and they know it’s bad, but they still promote it?
Rogan, lots of non-contact or Furrinati hugs. I hope you can rest, and the others can step up for fronting for a while – Miranda used to do some, didn’t she?
Marie, have some guinea
pig
and
capybara
hugs.
I had another out-of-body experience this morning – can’t really tell too much about it cos 1) TMI and 2) doing that in earthly bodies in public would have got us arrested. ;) Funny thing was, last night I thought of this as in body rather than out of body, like everything’s more integrated, even though I’m seeing from two perspectives when it happens. (To clarify: seeing from a sitting-up position and seeing from a lyingj-down position, alternately.)
That strange little train of thought came from doing those pics of Mr Bathing K. last night, asking him if he liked them (yes) and then if he takes more pleasure in his body these days. He said no, but in the sense that it’s not body/mind/soul divide over There, it’s all the one thing, and the senses/physical world aren’t separated.
No I haven’t been smoking anything, before anyone asks! :P
What I really hope is that I’ll hear him more clearly and consistently. It’s wonderful to have more physical contact, but what I really, really want on this side is uninterrupted, clear conversations – and they’re the hardest things to get, Of Bloody Course.
Still, I’m not knocking having an endorphin rush in the morning.
Oh god, I had a nightmare last night about a capybara chewing off my leg.
RE: Argenti
Quoth the Sneak: Eeee! Plant! @_@ What kind of care does an African violet need? I’ll happily take one! :D
RE: Fibinachi, cloudiah, and Marie
Thanks. Just… bleh. I’ve had folks asking me when I’m going to return to the workforce, and I’m like, “Are you kidding? I’m still getting used to having a bed and heat, I just want to fucking SLEEP for a bajillion years.”
RE: auggziliary
…I am really confused, because pro-ana and anti-ana would be totally different things. One is against the narrative that anorexia is a lifestyle choice, and one is for it. I don’t see how one could be both, unless the person or people involved had different opinions or had changed over time. Can you give me some examples here?
But DO NOT LINK ME TO PRO-ANA STUFF, Auggz, unless you warn me first. In recovery myself, and the last time I accidentally hit one of those pages, there was not enough bleach for my brain.
@auggz
No clue, sorry :/
@kittehs
Marie, have some guinea pig and capybara hugs.
Daww, thanks :3 They’re so cute.
aww :3 I hope you get more clear conversations, too.
@auggz
O_o that sounds fairly scary.
RE: Kittehs
Dunno if my shit would apply to yours, but I can give you some guided visualization exercises that I used to use, if you like. A lot of multis are taught it to make communication easier, but I learned it because I was really sick of having such a flaky connection.
LBT, I won’t link it. It was an individual blog. It had posts like “try to eat 200 calories a day for a whole month!”, thinspo pics, but then advice for recovering from ED. Also they seemed aware that anorexia wasn’t healthy. It seemed to be out of depression, like a self harm thing, rather than just “I want to be pretty”.
I was pretty confused by it.
Huh.
I… guess that could be like the thing I did once, with taking 170 grams of protein a day in addition to normal food, to try? Prefaced by the idea that your system will shrivel up and die if you continue that for long?
That’s… possibly the same sort of thing – “You can try this for a bit to see what happens, it’s cool! But I wouldn’t recommend it for long”. Other than that I find the idea of an overlap between pro and anti ana being utterly confusing.
LBT – YES PLZ! with sugar on top!
Have you got my email?
RE: Kittehs
I don’t! Send it on down to me. I’m loonybrain at healthymultiplicity.com
RE: auggziliary
Sounds like either a bot that just grabs everything with ED/pro-ana tags or someone who is reaaaaaally conflicted about who they are and what they’re doing. Perhaps they’re accustomed to pro-ana or have a lot of pro-ana friends and are trying to break away from it, or vice versa?
Actually I’d love those as well, LBT.
frenchqueen 13 at gmail is emailing now! :)
Well, it seems that my stomach-upset anxiety is back. :{ My dad is apparently “going crazy” according to my step-mom and my brother and he’s looking all over the place for me – including my school. He hasn’t even eaten in 2 days apparently
I feel so horrible and selfish. What have I done?
Ally, you are not horrible and selfish!
For fuck’s sake, you’ve escaped the house of a violent and abusive man. Stop blaming yourself for his behaviour! He’s the one to blame, he’s the manipulator and abuser, and you’re his victim, not the one doing anything to him! Would you blame your little sisters for escaping from him? No. Stop blaming yourself!
Seriously, I’m really worried about this. Don’t let abuser-induced guilt undermine you. I seriously think that man would injure or kill you if he got near you again now. Please DO NOT let this get to you!
Ally, YOU didn’t do anything to HIM! He’s the one who forced you into this situation. He’s the one who’s doing this to himself. If he were willing to accept you for who you are none of this would be an issue. He’s the abuser, not you!
RE: Fibinachi
Actually I’d love those as well, LBT
Sure. Where do I email ya?
RE: Ally
I feel so horrible and selfish. What have I done?
No, no, no. YOU haven’t done anything. HE’S the one refusing food. HE’S the one looking for you. These are HIS behaviors, not yours. This is not your responsibility. He is the parent, you are the child. You are not responsible for his behavior. If he wanted to keep you around, he shouldn’t have threatened you and your family with physical violence.
I’m sorry guys; I had a self-loathing anxiety attack. I’m ok now. I talked to my dad via Skype and he seems to have calmed down as well, especially after hearing my voice. Unfortunately he is currently experiencing intense psychological delusions, telling me about how he found me under the bed and that I need to eat breakfast because I “look sick and weak.” And then he kept repeating over and over again “Remember to kiss your mother’s feet because it is through taking care of your mother that you will go to paradise.”
Way behind on this thread, but I wanted to suggest doing zentangles. They are repetative in nature so they are quite relaxing, and you build them from small, easy elements, so they are easy to do, but when you combine lots of small elements together they can be very beautiful so you have something to share with people at the end.
http://tanglepatterns.com/ is a great resource for patterns. But if you google zentangles you will find soo many lovely finished ones.
RE: Ally
…back away slowly, that’s all I can say.
Geez, I hope that attack’s over! Fucking scary things even without major real causes (ie. asshole parent) triggering them.
As to his problems – they’re still HIS problems. This isn’t the first time he’s had delusions like this, is it? Nothing short of self-awareness leading to therapy’s gonna help him, and we all know what the odds are of that happening.
Ally, this is not normal behaviour. It is NOT your fault. You are taking care of yourself, HE is acting in non-standard and, more importantly, non-harmful ways. (I absolutely don’t mean this as a slight against our members with mental illness, who do not intentionally hurt the people around them. I mean, your dad is displaying malevolent behaviour. This behaviour is NOT YOUR FAULT. HE is choosing to react this way to your taking care of yourself.
IF you go to Colorado, please make sure you have a way to send out a bat-signal if you need to be rescued and they take away your phone and internet. Like, if someone you trust hasn’t heard from you at X o’clock on DATE Y, they call the police and hand over documents outlining your dad’s abusive and threatening behaviour.
And if that documentation doesn’t exist, start writing now.
Oh, it’s just something that happens to him under severe stress. He has experienced such delusions before, and he is much calmer now and his delusions are going away according to my brother.
And to clarify, that thing about kissing the mother’s feet is an Islamic saying, so that has nothing to do with his delusions.
Crap, I didn’t refresh before posting. I’m glad you’re feeling better, Ally. I don’t mean to make you all paranoid, but I don’t trust your dad.
One thing – your brother bought your plane ticket, right? So he knows what flight you’re taking? If so you might want to be careful at the airport, in case he’s told your dad, or your dad has forced/manipulated the information out of him.
@cassandrakitty
I don’t think he knows the flight number – he just knows that I have a ticket. Just to be safe, though, I could go to the airport via public transit.
Wow, those zentangles are beautiful!
They also make me think I should be dressed like this. ;)
Is there anyone who can go with you? Might be better to have someone else there if possible, just in case.
Is someone meeting you at the airport, Ally? Someone physically capable of helping you if your parental unit tries to hurt or kidnap you?
I got the bit about kissing your mother’s feet, it was clear that was an Islamic saying. It just better not include stepmothers who happen to be abuse enablers. >:(
I’d also suggest checking in as late as possible, or very early, and then going directly to the gate where he won’t be able to follow you without a ticket.
Oh, for dog’s sake. I was trying so hard to write this clearly that I borked it completely:
I meant, he is acting in *harmful* ways, and I mean to close the parenthesis at the end of that sentence.
Very early sounds like a good idea to me. Going late means too many chances of something delaying you and missing the flight. Though how early do the gates for flights open? Hmm.
I dunno, it depends. Maybe call ahead and ask? Wouldn’t be a great plan to check in early if going through security immediately isn’t an option. Once past security she should be a lot safer though.
@Ally
All you’ve done is try to escape your abusive dad. You aren’t horrible and you aren’t selfish. You don’t owe him (or anybody) a relationship. And you can have all the internet hugs from me you want.
You don’t have anything to apologize for.
I’m more concerned about when she gets TO Colorado.
I assume that your dad knows how to find your mom’s place, Ally? Is there any danger that, if he knows you’re going there, he’ll go there too, and force his way in?
RE: Ally
Oh, it’s just something that happens to him under severe stress. He has experienced such delusions before, and he is much calmer now and his delusions are going away according to my brother.
Still. I’m going to warn you: this is going to happen again, and a LOT. I have yet to meet an abuser who didn’t escalate their behavior like mad when someone started leaving them. In his mind, you’re threatening his control, and he needs to make you come back as quickly as possible. So expect this to happen again, and worse, as he goes through every tactic he has to get you to come back. Expect crying, begging, pleading, apologies, and then escalating to threats of violence. Or whatever tricks he prefers.
LBT, I’m going to recommend sleeping. The only way to recover from burnout is to rest and recover. Feed your adrenal glands, sleep, nap, dream, grieve, and recover. Be kind to yourself, and don’t expect to start feeling any kind of (non-artificial) energy for at least six months.
Yeah, that too, Unimaginative. Who’s meeting you at the other end, Ally? Are they aware of what’s going on with your dad? If not, probably a good idea to give them a heads up, and to try to arrange a backup place to stay that he wouldn’t know how to find if at all possible. Just in case.
You guys have lots of good advice – I really appreciate your help – but I’m afraid I can’t comment on it right now. I’m safe and all, but I’m in the middle of trying to recover from my anxiety attack and so I can’t afford to think about the airport stuff. I feel really awful and unable to relax right now.
RE: Unimaginative
This is good advice, and I plan to take you up on it. Like, in some ways, I’m trying to rush into being a professional artist (because if I can’t do it now, then it’s proof I’m not TRULY serious about it) and doing all the things… but I should probably step back and just slug around for a bit, using all my energy for just recovering and doing the things I have to: basic maintenance, emotional needs of my hubby and system, etc.
You’re probably not going to be able to do your best work if you’re exhausted, LBT. Rest up a bit first, get your social security stuff taken care of.
1) Ally, to repeat what everyone else has said — his behavior is NOT your fault! See what time airport security opens, go be there when they open. Bring your laptop and chill in the terminal, once past security he can’t get to you. As for the CO side, does your mother still have a restraining order against him? (She did at one point, right?)
And answer his emails and such on your terms, not his. Don’t let him guilt trip you into going back. My father tried everything and I had fucking moved out into an apartment my mother cosigned, my address was posted on the fridge! And I was enrolled in college there (there being 500~ miles away), yet he’d call, and plead how much he missed me and wouldn’t I just come home. I guess my mother had a talk with him cuz he mostly knocked it off fairly soon after I left.
Yours is probably having a freak out about how he failed as a parent, to which I say GOOD. He has, and his current suffering will hopefully settle into the realization that he fucked up, I doubt it, but either way it isn’t your problem. He’s the failure here, not you.
2) Sneak — you stick it in a dish of water and keep the dish full, rotate it about a quarter turn weekly~ so it doesn’t bend trying to reach for the sun. Nice and easy :) And I’ll send it with a little tray for the water once it’s nice enough. Keep out of direct sun and don’t get the leaves wet.
And thanks, now I only have one too many and I think I have room for it :)
3) auggz re: that pro/anti ana site — no fucking clue.
RE: Argenti
Sneak is very excited about having a new pet; we forgot zer aloe vera in Boston, and zie is very saddened by this.
RE: Cassandrakitty
Yeah, probably so. It’s a pattern I’ve had throughout my life, but I’m determined to break it for good this time! It’s just so HARD not to do things, especially when they’re things I so badly WANT to be able to do!
I know it’s tempting, but I always look back at stuff I wrote when I was cruising on 5 hours sleep in 3 days and cringe. At a certain point it’s either rest or burn out, you know?
Also, this right here:
is straight-up bullshit. That’s your workaholism & self-doubt talking, and they need to fuck right off.
@Ally
That’s fine. Take all the time you want to recover from your anxiety attack, and if you need to talk about airport stuff later, we’ll still be here. :)
This is one of the worst anxiety attacks I’ve had in months. I’m so sorry for being like this, guys.
@Ally
Don’t worry, you don’t have anything to apologize for. More hugs from me, if you want them.
No need to apologize, Ally, many of us know what anxiety attacks are like. Keep breathing, do what you need to do to get through it, and know we’ll still be here for you later.
Ally, you have nothing to apologise for. Anxiety attacks aren’t voluntary!
Have a whole heap of kitty cuddles.
Is Tawney anywhere around? Stroking her might help you right now.
Oh poop, phone rang and I forgot the link:
https://www.google.com.au/search?q=kitty+cuddles&num=20&client=firefox-a&hs=oa2&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=STT4UuGCDsGFkAWD5IHICw&ved=0CC0QsAQ&biw=1093&bih=406
RE: Ally
This is one of the worst anxiety attacks I’ve had in months.
I’ll bet! You’re going through a really tough time right now; anxiety is to be expected. Be gentle with yourself and ride it out as best you can. It’ll be okay.
RE: Cassandrakitty
At a certain point it’s either rest or burn out, you know?
True facts. It’s just that I’m so far past the point of burn out that I don’t even know what non-burnout feels like anymore, I think. Plus, my energy seems to be multiple axes: sometimes I’ll be too weak to leave the house and need crutches, but still be able to do art, while other times I can do basic cleaning but can’t touch art. It’s a terrible learning curve, like having multiple bank accounts that you can never overdraw, but nobody will tell you how much you have in them.
RE: Unimaginative
That’s your workaholism & self-doubt talking, and they need to fuck right off.
Very true, and very annoying. I’m trying to quash those feelings.
OT, but hoping it’s ok cuz this is an open thread: does anyone know any good bra-stores, online or in meatspace? I’ve been trying to find my fit, but dont know any stores that carry my size :/
Wait, ignore that last question, I’m fine.
What? You’re gonna tease us with possible bra talk and then not? UNFAIR
@kittehs
Hey, I’m always up for bra talk ;) I just found some stores on my own.
Cool, what ones?
Stores that deal in plus-size patterned leggings and ship to Oz are my current holy grail, and just as hard to find, it seems.
Bras… *shudder* former bane of my existence…
@kittehs
So far, Nordstrom seems to hold my size. I’m hoping I can try some on in one of their stores to make sure I sized myself right. Problem is, I think I need a better bra, but don’t have any money. NEway. Just have money problems.