An open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.
As usual for these threads: no trolls, no arguments.
Posted on February 7, 2014, in off topic, open thread. Bookmark the permalink. 1,059 Comments.
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Dang, I borked that first link :(
trying again.
chimisaur – yeah, the noise and the poop and puke put me off, too (I can take noise, poo and puke from kitties, not humans). Not that I’ve had much to do with it; I’m the youngest and didn’t grow up around other kids except the ones at school. More than that, I just don’t enjoy babies’ or children’s company. I’ve no interest in them, and even if I’d been in a situation where pregnancy was a possibility, I wouldn’t have done it. Not even with Mr K do I want to reproduce. That’s where the crack about the next king of France comes in; if Mr K were here in earthly flesh, I’d still only be breeding with him if we needed an heir. It wouldn’t be about Having A Child for its own sake. Closest I want to get to human babies ever is looking at Falconer’s pics!
Baby conversation:
I actually want kids, but probably not til I’m 30. (at least!) cuz trying to raise kids when you’re a depressed teenager sounds fairly less than pleasant. Hopefully I’ll have some idea wtf to do about my depression then.
Though I love hanging around kids, probably why I’d like to raise some. Just not until I figure out how to be a better parent than my parents.
/mommy/daddy issues.
This just in from my dad:
Lol, whatever cis dad who has no idea why I’m depressed.
I like kids and think babies are adorable (my second cousin just gave birth and OMGSquee… it helps that when I met the new Churchill, he slept the whole time, only waking up long enough to make adorable squeeking noises and flail a bit) but I’m not sure that I will ever be in a position where I’d want to/be able to take that kind of responsibility. (Not so much mental health issues as extreme introversion + laziness–but then again, I am 23 now, so no rush.) My sister on the other hand, loves kids and will have kids, so my other plan is to be an auntie.
Holy crap, this coming from your dad O.O That’s exactly what you *just* did! And congratulations on that!
That is VERY wise of you. Being a new parent is hard enough, but to do it when you’re still in the process of becoming an adult? Not something I’d want to try.
There are actually a lot of resources out there for people who want to improve their parenting skills, and they ARE skills. One of my co-workers told me she and her husband made a conscious decision to do a better job raising their kids than their alcoholic, abusive parents had done. She recommended Adele Faber (I haven’t checked her out, so this isn’t necessarily a recommendation from me, just something you could look into if you want). Her kids are now in their 20’s, and they are very well-balanced people. The whole family is very close and loving, and are really good people.
Also, a lot of community colleges (in Canada, anyway) have Early Childhood Development programs. Now, these are designed to train people to work in daycares and pre-schools (for less salary than they need to live on), but from what I’ve observed, they teach a lot about managing children.
@unimaginative
Thanks for the info :3 I’ve just had such a terrible track record with resources meant to help parents I’m still suspicious thinking about it. I know (or at least think) that there’s a huge variety in them, but my hair still shoots up talking about this. idk if that makes sense. I’m not being very articulate. Just…parent issues, you know?
My biological clock was ticking pretty loudly in my late 30’s, and then I spent 2 years being nanny to my nephew, from age 4 to 6. Shut that thing RIGHT down. I love kids, and I love my nephews & nieces, but I have absolutely no interest in being anyone’s mother.
Marie, it makes perfect sense. There are a lot of How to Abuse Your Children guides out there, disguised as parenting guides. You’re absolutely right to be cautious. I just can’t seem to help myself from tossing out information, in case it’s useful to someone.
@unimaginative
yeah, my parents got some books when I was ‘misbehaving’ (aka too depressed to go to school) which even from the title* sent funny alarmed feelings though me.
*didn’t read it/ don’t know where it is. IIRC it was called ‘the explosive child’
and, you guys tell me if I”m taking over the thread. This just really struck a nerve. idk. fuck my brain.
And, because I’m a glutton for punishment, I decided to look up that book and see what I found.
/bad brain.
Being an auntie is the best! All the fun, none of the diapers!
My best friend is coming to visit next week to cheer me up, with her adorable 6-year-old daughter (who I’ve met a bunch of times) and her brand new baby boy (who I’ve never met) — I’ll spend a week with them doing fun kid-friendly stuff, and it will be a lot like being an auntie.
I wish I could be a real auntie, but my sister and brother-in-law have only acquired an iguana so far. I like lizards, but they aren’t very cuddly.
Um, I know this is an open thread, so I probably wouldn’t be asking except I’m so fucking nervous, but I’m having trouble understanding some things and was wondering if maybe you guys would mind giving a little advice. :/
Anyway. just checking before I derail even more, cuz I feel like I’m hogging this thread. :/
Ask away, Marie! Asking for advice certainly doesn’t count as hogging the thread.
What do you need to ask about, Marie? It’s cool.
@Ally
Thanks :3
Okay, so my problem: (cn: forced institutionalization?) long story short, when I was about 11 my parents sent me to a ‘kiddie asylum’ (don’t know exactly what it’s called). They both seem to get it was wrong, and have apologized, but for some reason it feels like the more time passes (it’s been almost 8 years by now) the more tense/ anxious/ stressed I feel about what happened. Like, even now, I felt all weird about Unimaginative said, even though zie* was being perfectly nice, because my brain immediately went from “teaching parenting skills” to “something my parents did” even though it makes no. fucking. sense. Like, more and more things bring it back and make me stressed and anxious, and I don’t know what to do about it. Is this normal? Anyway, I was just hoping someone had some advice.
*sorry, Unimaginative, I don’t know your pronouns :( Also, just repeating myself that this isn’t your fault and I’m not trying to blame you, I’ve just got a case of jerkbrain.
I am so glad that Ally had no problems today, and that everyone else seems copacetic.
If folks could spare a thought or two for Beloved’s grandmother, we would appreciate it. She’s fallen on her face three times since Friday morning and the doctors can’t determine why.
It is probably not my place to discuss particulars, but suffice it to say, she’s not being left alone.
And it’s Falconer, btw. For some reason my phone won’t use the proper handle.
Marie, I don’t know that I have any good advice, but I can see how your brain made the connecting leap. Much of the “teaching parenting skills” stuff out there is fairly crappy stuff that ignores the agency of children/young people.
Can you think of any reasons why this is coming up more lately? Are there other ways that they (or circumstances) are making you feel less in control, maybe?
I’m probably way off, though. Here’s a cat hugging a guinea pig.
@falconer
I hope your beloved’s grandmother gets better. Internet hugs from me/ good thoughts going your direction.
And I’m so sorry to hear about Beloved’s grandmother, Falconer. That is scary. I hope they find out soon what’s going on, and it’s something easily manageable.
@cloudiah
Idk, not more or less. I just feel like it’s been growing slowly over time, if that makes sense. Like, until two years ago, I didn’t even get how fucked up the situation was. I mean, I wasn’t happy about it, but I thought it was normal. (I mean, it’s probably way to common, but I thought it was healthy-normal)
And that’s such a cute picture :3
@cloudiah
though I have been more ansty about lots of things recently, if that’s relevant. Idk why though. Nothing changing besides loosing a temp job aaagggeesss ago.
@Marie, something is bothering you about what happened, and receiving an apology from people does not automatically make shitty stuff go away. Is there a counsellor you can talk to about this? Something sounds unresolved and a counsellor would be the best person to go to for resolution – and you sound like you want resolution.
@tcwill00, I’m sorry to hear about the grandmother. :( I assume the doctors have done hearing and neurological testings, and blood work. Not to derail, but in my mid-20s I ended up going to the ED (referred by a doctor, got offered an ambulance) for suspected Guillain-Barre, although none of us thought it was really that. I had unexplained sudden dizzy spells, occasionally the horizon would “jump” vertically on me, and I felt like I had no legs for about an inch above the knee. When this happened I would almost fall, and I voluntarily quit driving. After undergoing a multitude of tests at the ED, including a lung x-ray as well as reflexes and blood work, the doctors decided it was probably “food poisoning” (yes, that’s what they told me it was, with a straight face, and about the only samples not taken from me were CSF, faeces, and urine). Even though I had been suffering off-and-on for 6 months with the same symptoms. So they may not be able to tell what the issue is. :(
@ Marie: Well, no one can really diagnose you over the internet, and I’m not a doctor in any way, just someone with a kind of similar symptomology, so take what I say here with a grain of salt, but that sounds a LOT like my stupid runaway brain symptoms when I was really bad and untreated. I’ve got some pretty bad general anxiety, and drugs+therapy, while time consuming has been a lifesaver for me. If you don’t want to rush into a situation like that, I would talk to an internal medicine doctor about what you’re experiencing if you go to get an annual physical or anything, since they can prescribe something to help if they judge you to be in need and figure out other kinds of treatment plan/references. Sorry about the long spiel, It’s just you sound so much like I used to (am, kind of still, occasionally) and I didn’t even quite realize how much living like that was wearing on me until I stopped it, and it kind of makes me really really want to help because no one should have to deal with being trapped in their own stupid head. Not that your head is stupid; I’m sure it’s a perfectly nice head. Turn of phrase. You know what I meant, I hope. >_<;
Once again, feel free to disregard any or all of this if I am completely off base. I do not want to be bossy at all. Find what works for ya, and best of wishes on that count!
Whoa, hey, let’s hear it for reading the whole thread before commenting, how bout?
Ally, I can’t even with your dad’s latest, except of course he obviously thinks this is a phase. Probably he still wants those library books, too, dark lol.
Marie, I think waiting until you’re at least 30 is a great idea. I am way over 30 and I still don’t know what I’m doing half the time.
As for child rearing books, avoid Rev. Dobson and Michael and Debbi Pearl. Basically abuser apologists and instructions.
As for your brain, I am sorry your parents had you confined against your will. For what it’s worth, I get reminded about my past often, in my case stupid shit I have done or said, by stuff that shouldn’t relate at all. It’s like my brain is waiting for opportunities to beat me up. It’s not remotely likely what you’re experiencing, but I want you to know, it’s not just you.
@kiwi girl
Thanks for the advice :) I’ve been trying to find a psych for almost a year for mental health stuffs, but first we didn’t have insurance, and now that we do, I just have such a hard time telling which ones would work. I’ve also had a bad experience with former psychs, so I’m somewhat suspicious.
That sucks. Did you get better?
@chimisaur
And thank you for the advice, too. I’ve been wondering if I had anxiety for a while now, and am supposed to be seeing a doctor about that on monday, so hopefully that goes down well. I just didn’t connect bad feelings about this to possible anxiety. um, rambles. NEway, thanks.
@falconer
Thanks for telling me who to avoid.
And I want the record to reflect all of my thankyous are sincere. I just am in a weird headspace and am worried about coming off wrong.
Marie — you mentioned a doctor appt on Monday? If I’m remembering right, why not bring it up then and see about a psych referral? Or, if you’d be more comfortable with someone who isn’t a psych, are you religious enough to have someone there you could talk to? (Sorry if that’s way off base, I have no idea if you’re still religious or it’s a cultural thing or what)
At a guess? Adult brain is being adulty. You grow, you learn, you realize how fucked up shit was. One from the useful psych I had when I went through that period — what would you say to them if you could say anything without repercussions? Just a thing to ponder, maybe pondering it will help you figure out why it’s bugging you.
@Argenti
Thanks :3 Yeah, I’ll try to bring it up then, I’ve brought it up to my previous doctor with little success, but this doctor is, in theory, better knowing about mental health stuffs.
I’m agnostic, but was raised culturally orthodox-christian. Talking with someone who’s religious wouldn’t be bad per say, but the church my dad goes to is run by homophobic, sexist asshats.
Falconer — best wishes to your beloved’s grandmother!
Ally — lol! Stop thinking about that gender identity stuff! Cuz it totally works like that…well, I guess it does, once you sort shit out, which you certainly seem to have…so you’ve already done what he told you to do!
Seriously though, the fuck? It reads like he’s saying you shouldn’t be around people who will let you ID as female.
Marie — so noted, my apology for my error.
@Argenti
Frankly, what he says indicates (at least to me) that he doesn’t even want me to be trans. He talks about it as if it’s something I should never think about for any reason ever. I shouldn’t have trusted him.
@argenti
No apologies necessary. :3
@Ally
It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known how he’d react if you told him. (I mean, you probably know that, but it bears repeating.) anyway, more jedi hugs from me, if you want them.
I didn’t come across how I intended? I missed a step I think. I was trying to say that he thinks you’d magically stop being trans if no one would “indulge” it. Don’t think about it, don’t talk about it and certainly don’t hang out with people who recognize you a woman. (Do the opposite of that, as you see fit)
As for trusting him, I wouldn’t count coming out to him as trusting him, but whether you were trusting him is obviously not for me to judge.
@Marie, I have been helped in the past by primarily “lay” counsellors (i.e. accredited/ registered professionals who don’t have formal psychology or psychiatry qualifications). The main thing is to find someone you can confide in and trust. :) It’s all about rapport, so if you get referred to someone where you think “nah”, get another referral. :) :)
And yeah, I got better, but it still happens occasionally so I feel for the grandmother. Thanks for the thoughts. :)
If anybody sees the Sandman, could you please ask him to come visit my house? I have a young man here who just isn’t sleeping.
For all those talking about Auntiehood: I also love being an Auntie. I get to do all the fun without the stress. My bio clock was ticking too but I just love my single life too much to try and find some dude who probably would make more problems for me. I’m just too damned independent. I also have a disability and my first marriage ended due to that so I just also think I don’t want to get into another relationship and have that person get overwhelmed and hence more problems.
I feel pretty good about living here in Canada because we do have good social systems when they function correctly. I’ve kinda fallen through many cracks here but I’m on my way now after having a severe accident a couple days ago. I rolled off my bed and kicked some glasses on the floor and then landed on them. I cut myself up so much the paramedic said I looked like I was bitten by a shark. I broke my clavicle and a couple ribs. However, I DO get a wonderful home nurse named Anna who is wonderful!
XO to all my fellow Manosphere critics! Mocking them sure is fun!
@house mouse queen
Owwww. *sympathy wince*
@house mouse queen: ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow
Hooray for community nursing!
Nthing the wincing in pain.
Whoever saw the Sandman: Thanks! My baby’s sleeping like a, well.
Nthing +1 the OW OW OW!
Ally – I’d guess it’s your own kindness and wish to have some sort of decent relationship with your father playing into this, but I also think you know very well you can’t trust him. Not ever, not about anything. You have been physically and emotionally abused by him since forever, and his knowing you’re trans (not that he seems to have the slightest clue what that means) is just one more reason for you not to trust him. If anything, I’d say once he does grasp what it means, it’d put your life in real danger if he finds you.
I was reading the Feministe open thread yesterday, and was horrified that you’d considered maybe going home sometime. Please, please, don’t ever think of going back to that house.
Put it this way: would you want someone else he’d been abusing to put themselves back in his power? Or would you advise them to stay the hell away, forever, because he can never be trusted and has the worst fucking history? I’m guessing the latter, and the same advice applies to you.
He’s had his chances. He’s chosen to do these horrible things. He’s not worth shit.
Heh. Your dad and my dad should hang out, Ally. They seem to have read the same book on responding to their trans kid! *snrk*
And actually, if you’re interested in book recs, try and get your hands on a library copy of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I don’t agree with any of it, but when you’re lost and confused and can’t tell which way is down, it can help get your feet on the ground.
RE: House Mouse Queen
OUCH! D: Man, that bites. I also feel slightly envious of the Canadian system; I just had to have a full-out donnybrook to get my benefits reinstated after they froze them due to bureaucratic error. I’m STILL trying to get my health insurance back up and running.
We need a Dirtbag Parent Island, like Reddit Island.
I can think of a few who should be there. It’d make a great reality TV series, too.
As my brother it put it, about our father — “only way anyone would ever vote for him would be to vote him off the island”. In this case it’d be more like voting them off the mainland!
Enh. Dunno if ‘dirtbag’ is the right word for my folks. Just… passive. Very passive.
On the plus side, it made them the easiest people in the world to escape from.
Voting them off the mainland wins for me!
Just as long as they don’t go too far and end up on our mainland. ::shudder::
Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
a tale of a fateful trip,
that started from this tropic port,
aboard this tiny ship.
The MRAs were mighty sailin’ men,
Paul Elam was blase and sure,
the passengers set sail that day,
for a three hour tour,
a three hour tour.
The weather started getting rough,
the tiny ship was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
the Minnow would be lost.
The Minnow would be lost.
The ship’s aground on the shore of this
uncharted desert isle
with Dean Esmay,
Paul Elam too.
The MRAs and the FeMRAs,
the PUAs,
the toxic parents and other bigots,
here on Redditor’s Isle.
(Ending verse)
So this is the tale of our castaways,
they’re here for a long, long time.
They’ll have to make the best of things,
it’s an uphill climb.
No phone, no lights, no motor car,
not a single luxury
like Robinson Crusoe,
it’s primitive as can be.
LOL, Kiwi Girl. I sang it out loud. XD
LOL!
i haven’t dropped by in a while, but since i like the socializing with awesome people aspect of manboobz most, and less like the misogyny (even tho it’s being mocked) i need to get a break from, here seemed like a good place to start.
@pineapplecookie.
Depression sucks. I hope you manage to cope okay; I remember when my depression acts up the worst part is is feeling like it’s no big deal or your just making things up. I second (whoever said it? sorry, can’t remember :() that just thinking of it as an illness (which it is) helps me; idk if it would help you. another thing i try to do is imagine what i’d say to someone else w/ the same problem, because some people (me at least) are harder on themselves than everyone else, and can recognize other people need space or need to not feel bad for their own medical problems but are harder on themselves.
/idk if advice is what you wanted so just tell me if i overstepped a line
*sends positive thoughts your way*
@ally
i’m glad to hear you’re getting out on your own. I hope everything goes okay, and you’re safe.
and on a slightly different (less serious? idk) note, tawny (are they your cat or just the cat of whoever your with?) is super cute. are you enjoying hanging around them (as in the cat)?
@Falconer
I hope your beloved’s grandmother is okay
re: the kid conversation:
lol, i would totally be an auntie I love hanging out with kids, and my step siblings are the best (age 10, 6, and 3).
But I would never have the spoons (illness term denoting levels of energy/non pain for chronically ill people, in case no one knows) to raise kids, not to mention i can hardly imagine myself not messing them up for life, tho that might be me projecting my own parent issues on them (I’m marie’s sister, so we have pretty similar parent issues).
also i have a plan for my life and i feel like kids would disrupt it, or get in the way of what i want to do. and obviously it be kind of shitty to have a kid and then act like “No you’re in the way” so i don’t wanna do that.
/long kid rambles. i have lots of explanations for while i’ll probably never want kids.
Hi Fade! ::waves:: :)
oh, and in my personal life, (i mean, personal thread?) I’ve been continuing in college and having a decent time learning things, tho my schedule is packed full thanks to limited transportation options (limited further by disability). :( twelve hour school days twice a week + chronic pain condition = mega ow.
hi kittehs! lol i didn’t refresh before posting; hence this being its own separate comment. XD
Re: Trauma, depression, etc… one of my clients (who is so lovely) clued me in to this fantastic resource on neurological and physiological responses to trauma which may have an effect on how we treat and recover from trauma and stress. It was really eye opening for me, and I hope you guys find it the same.
My brother has now bought me a plane ticket (with my consent) for the 15th to Colorado. I wish I could stay here much longer as katz and co are wonderful and very supportive, but I must ease the family tensions by going to Colorado. Granted, I will face the risk of being tracked down very easily, but I have friends in Colorado who could help me out as well.
My brother has now bought me a plane ticket (with my consent) for the 15th to Colorado. I wish I could stay here much longer as katz and co are wonderful and very supportive, but I must ease the family tensions by going to Colorado. Granted, I will face the risk of being tracked down very easily, but I have friends in Colorado who could help me out as well.
The Double Post Demon has attacked X_X
I’ve had fun doing a couple of animated gifs of Mr K tonight – first new pics I’ve done in quite a while; it’s been too flaming hot to sit at the computer most nights.
Slightly NSFW:
forest pool bathing
sitting in lake shallows
@Ally
Hope things go well for you in colorado. Free internet hugs from me, too, if you want them. :3
@kittehs
Nice pictures :D
What is it called when someone’s gender swaps often?
@Auggz
I think it’s called genderfluid? Though take this with a grain of salt, cuz I don’t think I’m the most knowledgeable person about this stuff..
Also, is anyone here neurotypical? I just got in a fight with my neurotypical mom and need reassurance that not all neurotypical ppl are un-understanding jerks :/
/rant.
Ally, also sending best wishes for things going well in Colorado.
Marie, I think I’m fairly neurotypical, and I hope I’m not an un-understanding jerk! (Or that if I am, you’ll all tell me.)
@cloudiah
No, you are nice, not an un-understanding jerk. :3
Sorry for the outburst. My mom’s just being frustrating.
Sorry about your mom, Marie. My mate is neurotypical, and probably one of the most understanding people I know, hence the relationship. :)
Have fun with your brother, Ally; be safe, and good luck avoiding your dad. I support the plan for a toxic parent island, but only if we can chuck a few of the more scream-y sexist/homophobic USA-ian political types there with them.
@Chimisaur
Aww :3 Yay for you and your mate.
Marie – I think I’m neurotypical, though when it comes down to it, what’s the definition or dividing line? Anyways ditto what cloudiah said. (But I know I’m not a jerk ‘cos you already told me I’m
perfectawesome.) ;)Ta about the pics!
@kittehs
I’m not sure on the dividing line, either, but whichever. I mean, you know yourself better than I do, so you be the judge of that. :3
I wonder how many people think “I’m neurotypical” or “I’m not neurotypical” and those who know them would wonder why on earth they thought that? I mean, I really don’t know the definitions or whether it’s just a matter of having something going on – some condition – that stuffs your life around. I wonder, too, if some neurotypical people use the term in far too narrow a way – I mean in labelling people they think are too different or eccentric or odd or whatever. What’s the bet “neurotypical” or “normal” or just “functioning” covers a hell of a broader territory than we’re led to believe?
/thinking out loud aka stream of consciousness if you want to be fancy