An open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.
As usual for these threads: no trolls, no arguments.
Posted on February 7, 2014, in off topic, open thread. Bookmark the permalink. 1,059 Comments.
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Sounds like it’ll need to be her but not both, then.
@Ally
Well, he sounds like a huge asshole. ::offers free hugs and alcoholic drinks::
I miss my bird. I tried going to the pet store and looking at their parakeets, but they’re not used to me. They all scuttle away and look at each other like “wtf is she doing. Who even invited you to our tweeting party?”
@Ally, ugh, that’s so obnoxious. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
Just had an extremely triggering conversation with my dad over the phone. Some “highlights” (not verbatim):
“I don’t care if you want to maim yourself”
“If you choose this new lifestyle, you are more likely to be depressed and commit suicide”*
“All of this stress of you coming out is enough to actually kill me”
I hate myself. I’m so afraid of driving him over the edge and causing him mental distress. He hasn’t even concentrated on work in 10 days. I feel so sad and guilty about this but there’s nothing I can do.
*He apparently got that from statistics he read about regarding trans people
Ally, I’m guessing you’re having another panic attack right now, but please remember what we’ve all said –
None of this is your fault
Your father is an abuser who is trying every. damn. trick. to force you back under his control. His control has slipped, you’re away from him, and he’s freaking out.
You haven’t done anything to him. He’s brought everything on himself by being an abusive fuck.
Look at how he’s lying and changing his story! One minute he’s all Mr Nice calling you ‘daughter’, next he’s back to his shitstain self. This is all to unbalance you and frighten you, to punish and control you. The ugly side of him is the real one.
Please, keep away from him, do not trust him and never let your guard down. Don’t talk to him, control any contact (I would say don’t have any contact at all but I gather you’re not ready for that).
He’s an abuser, Ally. Think of this how you’d think for a friend in this situation. Would you give their abuser the benefit of the doubt, or blame the victim? No way. Remember you’re the victim here, do not blame yourself. Don’t play his game for him.
I don’t think I’m having an anxiety attack but he really hurt my feelings. He’s even talking about my “choice” as if I’m some immoral creature who prefers to follow secular law instead of religion. He’s guilt-tripping me with stuff like “Hey, as long as it’s legal, it’s okay!” in order to make me feel bad about wanting to transition (the assumption here being that the law is obviously corrupt and should never be followed instead of religion). And on top of that he has expressed his wish to move to another country without restraining order laws (or at least very restricted ones).
Why is he being so mean to me? I just want to live authentically. I never wanted to make him feel suicidal or hurt his productivity. I’ve always wanted him to be happy despite all of the things he does to me.
Because he is an abuser. He CHOOSES to be this way. It is not your fault, and there’s nothing you can do to make him happy. Even if you could read his mind and obey his wishes before he says them, he’ll still be mean to you.
I’m sorry. I wish he was a better person.
RE: Ally
“All of this stress of you coming out is enough to actually kill me”
No, it isn’t. Parents throughout history have had trans kids and somehow managed to survive. He’s an adult. You’re the child. He just has to suck it the fuck up and be a grown-up.
I’m so afraid of driving him over the edge and causing him mental distress.
YOU aren’t causing him distress. HE is causing HIMSELF distress. You aren’t doing ANYTHING to him. You’re EXISTING. If he can’t deal with that, then he shouldn’t be in your company at all.
He hasn’t even concentrated on work in 10 days. I feel so sad and guilty about this but there’s nothing I can do.
Correct. You can’t make him focus on his work. He’s an adult, in charge of his own life.
Why is he being so mean to me?
Because you’re leaving. He sees you bucking his control, and that TERRIFIES him. So he is going to try and break you so you come back and things go back to normal. Don’t give in. JUST. KEEP. RUNNING.
Also, I got a check from my parents. FUCKING ASS. I’m going to have to have some words with my grandmother for giving them my new address without asking permission.
[Content note: suicide]
I’m just terrified. What if one day after I’ve transitioned and I’m happy with myself I found out that he shot himself? What if he decides to jump off a bridge because of him being ashamed about me? It’s like no matter what I do someone is going to go through tons of pain and suffering. I’m like a monster. I’m very sorry if I have been hurtful or mean to any of you guys.
Now I feel stupid. I know you guys keep saying it’s my fault, and I understand what you mean. I just can’t shake off this guilt no matter how hard I try.
Ally, he’s a fucking bigot. This is the same dipshit can’t cope with you not having a bloody buzz-cut. He’s a hateful creature who loves hurting people. Look what he did to your mother, look what he does to the rest of your family. Would you have said your mother should have stayed with him in case he killed himself after she left? NO, you wouldn’t. The same thing applies to you.
The only person going through pain and suffering here is you. Fuck him, he’s an abuser and he’s the cause of all this distress. It’s like LBT said, this is entirely his choice.
You haven’t been mean or hurtful to anyone here. You’re even nice to trolls!
This is your abused mind talking. It’s parrotting the shit your father wants it to. He can go sit on all the cacti.
What? Was that a Freudian typo? It’s emphatically not your fault.
You’re not stupid, you’re extremely intelligent. You’re also an abuse survivor just setting out on her journey to freedom. That’s a fucking huge hurdle you’ve got to get over, and it’s all down to Mr Shiteater, not you. All we can do is keep telling you stuff and hoping it helps combat jerkbrain’s fifth-columnist shit and the guilt that comes with it.
Sorry, I meant to say that I know you guys keep saying it’s not my fault. Didn’t mean to sound like an asshole there
RE: Ally
What if one day after I’ve transitioned and I’m happy with myself I found out that he shot himself? What if he decides to jump off a bridge because of him being ashamed about me?
Then good riddance. If he chooses to off himself, that is on HIM. Not you. HIM. That is HIS action, HIS choice, and has nothing to do with you.
It’s like no matter what I do someone is going to go through tons of pain and suffering. I’m like a monster.
Here’s something to think about, Ally. I felt the exact same way a couple years ago. I felt that I caused horrible agony to my parents. That I was a puppeted corpse of their daughter, mocking them with my monstrous unnatural existence. I felt that I should die, because I was causing them such suffering, but I was forbidden even that. I felt that no matter what I did, I caused horrible pain to everyone around me because I had the audacity and weakness to be alive.
You knew me back then. You were probably very new to Manboobz at the time. And I know you didn’t think I deserved to starve myself to near-death, which was the best end I could think for myself at the time.
I finally ended up leaving my parents for good because I felt like I was causing them such agony. And it got bad. They flipped their shit. They called me. They sent me letters, and emails, and checks. My other family members pleaded with me to go back to them, but I stayed.
And the pain stopped. Slowly, one tiny piece at a time, but it stopped. Because we weren’t hurting each other anymore. We were away from each other.
One day, the pain will stop for you too. It will probably take a long time, and it will be awful. But all things end, and one day, this will too. I promise.
You didn’t – it sounded like a Freudian slip (now there was a prize asshole).
Guilt can be utterly irrational, and this sure is. It’s been planted by your abuser. Hang in there, and keep away from him, cut contact – every time you let him talk to you, he leaves you feeling so bad, and that’s exactly what he wants.
[Content note: self-harm, self-hatred, dysphoria]
I’m having a really rough time right now. I’m currently battling a lot of self-hatred and even a willingness to self-harm. I assure you that I’m okay right now, and I have no way of hurting myself, but I feel like I deserve to be hurt for all of these things I’ve done. If things get worse I assure all of you that I will call a hotline, go on a crisis chat, or email Samaritans. So I’m safe.
I was going to head downstairs and go to my mom for hugs, but I don’t want to scare her or stress her out. I know she loves me and would gladly comfort me but I don’t feel like I deserve something like that from her. Besides, if I cry, I’ll have to hear my horrific voice. I sound like a boy when I cry, just as I always sound like a boy when I speak.
I’m sorry for gushing out like this and making all of you worried. I think I’ll be okay later tonight. All of you are wonderful people and I’m so glad I have a space like this. I’ve never felt this validated and accepted in an online space. Thank you.
Virtual hugs, Ally, if they’re any help!
Time for me to head off, catch you later.
Wish you were here so I could help make you feel better, Ally.
Ally, none of this is your fault, but it’s also not your fault that you feel like it IS your fault. Abusers and manipulative people are very good at making other people feel guilty. You just want to live your life AS YOU. He’s the one putting roadblocks in front of that and trying to make you feel like he’s somehow the victim here. I’ve been in relationships with manipulative people and it’s very easy to get pulled into their fucked-up logic in which their problems, their issues are somehow all your fault.
You’re awesome. You don’t deserve to be hurt or punished for wanting to live your life as yourself.
Ally,
I cut ties with most of my family of origin to save myself. I don’t regret it. I never have. I tried for years to find some way to have them in my life that didn’t hurt. At one point I blamed myself for everything I could because I wanted the problem to be me. I wanted to think that I was imagining the abuse. I wanted to be the problem so that I could be in control of the problem. When I finally realized that it wasn’t me I began trying to build healthy boundaries. Dedicated, narcissistic, emotional abusers will have none of that. I’m not telling you to abandon all hope for a future that includes your family of origin, but I am telling you that if things don’t work out and you have to let them go to save yourself it will not be your fault. Sacrificing yourself will do nothing to help them and saving yourself will not destroy them. Everyone who said so is right; this is a choice your dad has made and continues to make. If that choice harms him, that’s too bad. You cannot fix him, but you can still do him one huge favor. You can do what he couldn’t: You can save his daughter. You can love her unconditionally, cherish her and protect her. No parent could ask for a greater gift.
When I was a kid I remember reading the story of a woman who was lost at sea with her dog. She loved that dog and she desperately wanted to save it, but the dog kept trying to climb on top of her head and it was drowning her in it’s panic. So, she had to chose to either let go of her beloved pet or die. I felt I had a similar choice to make with my biofamily. They were stuck in as cycle of abuse / enabling and I could not save them. In fact, they were very comfortable with the way things were. I was the weird one for thinking something was wrong. So, I let go. I can tell you that it hurt like hell and that the first thing I did every morning and the last thing I did at night for a while was cry. I was grieving not just the relationships I lost, but the dream of the relationships that could have been. It took time to heal. The process was not fun, but it got better. If I had it to do over again I wouldn’t change a thing. In fact, me getting out prompted someone else to see the problem and get out a couple years later. Family can be a beautiful thing, even when it is challenging. But it wasn’t for me. This may sound strange but I still have love for them and I wish them every good thing. I’m not angry with them. In fact, I think they are doing their absolute best to be good people and I think that all things considered, they did OK. They were as good to me as they knew how to be. I don’t think they ever intended me harm. Intention isn’t magic, though. I had to let go to survive and to keep from passing the illness on to my kids.
Whatever you choose to do is OK. None of us can predict the future. But you have to remember that you are not in control of your father’s reactions. You are only responsible for your well being and you deserve to feel whole and happy.
@ally
::offers hugs:: And of course he’s managing to completely ignore why trans* people have higher suicide rates :/
Seconding for emphasis. None of this is your fault, Ally.
(I’m assuming you meant ‘it’s not my fault’) That’s okay. Your feelings are understandable and we’re here to keep reminding you it’s not your fault, when you need it.
Don’t worry. It’s an open thread for personal stuff, you don’t need to apologize for talking about this here.
..and Ally, some of us cisladies have deep voices too. Think of Joan Crawford and Cathleen Turner. Or…me. I could teach R. Lee Ermey a thing or two about putting some bass in your bark. ;)
Here’s a link that might help cheer you: http://katebornstein.typepad.com/
I love Kate. She’s an inspiration.
I got to meet Kate Bornstein a few months ago, leatapp! Somehow, I sold her one of my zines. o_o I still don’t know how that happened.
@Ally, is there someone (preferably not family) you can talk to, like a counsellor? I was wondering if it would be helpful for you to talk to an experienced person about your worse fears, and have someone awesome help you through them in a safe, face-to-face environment.
I’ve been in the position of blaming myself for a work colleague’s suicide (they told me they were depressed, I tried to cheer them up, they said how they were going to do it, a couple of months later they did it). I blamed myself for ages over that because I believed it was in my power to stop them and I should have been able to stop them. I had quite a few sessions with a counsellor working through this, which is why I am strongly supportive of people seeking counselling (if they are open to that idea).
There is nothing we can say here that will have much of an effect on you – because you’re really intelligent and you will think up a counter-argument (or more than one!) to everything we say. It’s great that you can talk here and get support, and it would be even more great if there was someone closer to you and who is trained in this area.
You’re a really strong person, look at how much shite you have been through already, and what you have accomplished! Look at what a nice person you continue to be posting here. I wish I could do something to make you realise what a wonderful person you are.
/virtual hugs and drink of your choice if you wish
::standing ovation for leatapp::
Ally, though we haven’t talked much I’ve been reading here for some time. And I am so sorry things are hard for you right now.
I lived with an abusive partner for years. And do you know what? According to him, not once, not ONCE, in all those years was anything that went wrong ever his fault.
“Look what you made me do. You made me angry. Why did you make me hurt you?” is like the abuser’s official motto.And it is always, always about them. The sun comes up, it’s about them. There’s nothing good on TV, it’s about them. Someone else dares to think or believe something they don’t like it’s all about them and it’s deliberate!
Ally, what your father is doing is trying to make it your ‘fault’ you are you. Think about that. It’s like he’s mad at you for deliberately choosing to have the ‘wrong’ eye color just to hurt him. He wants you to lie to yourself and everyone else in the world about yourself for his sake.
And if you did, would he be happy? I doubt it, nothing I’ve heard about him to date suggests that outcome. I suspect there will always be something wrong with his life and it will always be someone else’s fault.
You are good and kind and have a loving heart. And you deserve to be fucking cherished. You deserve to have people in your life who look at you with love. You shouldn’t have to earn that love by denying who you are.
If I was one of those people with affirmations stuck all over their walls, I’d advise you to get this written up in beautiful calligraphy and in street graffiti style and every other form that appeals to you and put one in every room you ever occupy. Listen to leatapp. This is good stuff. This is e.x.a.c.t.l.y right.
Seconding mildlymagnificent and leatapp here.
You aren’t ‘making’ him feel anything, or do (or not do) anything. You are simply trying to live authentically, as you said. He is choosing how to react to that, and how he reacts to that is completely out of your control and power.
One of the hardest lessons I was ever forced to learn was that sometimes, the people you love don’t love you back in the way you want them to… and that isn’t your fault, or your doing, or your responsibility to fix. And sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for that person is to leave them to their own devices… detach from them (it is a loving thing to do for yourself as well) and let them work it out, or not.
Sometimes, things do end up working out. I had to not see or speak to my father for 9 years in order for us to get to where we are now – I needed to be away from him and work my own issues out, and he had to take care of his own issues as well. When we came back together, it was on my terms – but we’d both done a lot of work. I was prepared for him to NOT be what I hoped, and was ok to walk away if that was the case (and luckily it wasn’t the case), but it took a long time for me to get to that position, where I was fine in myself with or without his love, approval or appropriate behaviour; also, where I was strong enough to say to him the things I needed to say, without ‘needing’ him to react a certain way.
Basically, I had to get to a point where his reactions, behaviours etc were not a factor in my decisions or behaviour – where I valued my needs, and set my boundaries, and felt good about doing so (even if at first, that felt scary and weird and guilty and shameful and…)
It ain’t easy, for sure. But it is good, and healing. If you need to detach from him, that doesn’t make you mean, or unfeeling, or uncaring, or a bad daughter or person. It’s saying “I am going to love you enough to give you only my true, authentic self… and I am going to love myself enough to not engage with you if my true, authentic self is something you can’t/won’t accept.” And then the ball is in his court, and he can decide how he wants to treat you – and you can decide if that treatment is acceptable to you. If it isn’t acceptable to you, then that’s on him, isn’t it? He can make different choices, after all.
Paraphrasing Brene Brown here: In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” … the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are.
You have this in spades. You’re a model of it. And because of it (and all the other wonderful things you are) you’re going to find people who value YOU, and want to be in your life because of who you are. It’s shitty and unfair that right now your father is not one of those people. But that is a reflection of who he is… not who you are. Loving him from a distance is still loving him. Setting boundaries with him is still loving him. It’s just loving yourself too.
Yes you do. Yes you do. Oh yes, yes you do. You do.
I know you feel like you should punish yourself right now because you’ve done something bad, but if you look around you’ll notice that you are the only person who thinks so. :)
Ok – so sometimes when I need to check in with myself, I do this thing where I go to my safe place in my head. Turns out it’s a beach at night, and I sit on this old log. Someone else always shows up to chat with me, and they generally take the form of some deity-type creature – usually a Hindu-type with lots of arms/legs, or a Cthulu-type creature. Why? Dunno. (I kind of look at this exercise as one part of my brain talking with another, better, wiser part of my brain who just happens to have tentacles/6 legs today).
So the ‘me’ part of this mental image starts confessing all this stuff to Vishnu/Cthulu – I’m horrible, I did this, I think that, I didn’t do this, etc. And the ‘deity’ part listens compassionately (sometimes impatiently, when I am really whining) and then responds to me gently, lovingly, sometimes jokingly, and sets me straight.
It’s… well, like a part of your brain has all that self-loathing crap going on. But another part of your brain is loving and knows that self-loathing crap is just that… crap. And right now, the loathing bit is louder than the loving bit. Your loving bit is there (you wouldn’t have reached out if part of you didn’t know that you don’t need to be punished), and I suspect perhaps that your loathing bit is acting, maybe partly at least, out of habit (sorry to make you all worry; I don’t deserve hugs).
This is rambling and nonsensical and I am losing the plot a little – bear with me! :) Point is, part of you knows (intellectually) that you did nothing wrong and don’t deserve punishment, and maybe that part of you just needs a little exercise in order to get louder than the loathing part. So is there something you can do, a little mental ‘trick’ you can play on yourself when the loathing bit kicks in? You don’t have to (mentally) head to a beach and chat with 3-headed deities (or a version of Ganesha! It’s tough to feel bad when you’re chatting with an elephant), but it can be fun. Is there a way you can check in with yourself when you feel like this that would help get you out of it a little, maybe enough to brave asking for a hug from someone who loves you and wants to hug you?
@Ally, I haven’t chimed in because I don’t have much to add, but there’s a lot of wisdom in what everyone else has been saying to you. And I’d like to repeat my suggestion that you find someone to talk to, even if it’s just a crisis hotline, because you really don’t have to go through this alone.
I have a rant.
Where I work, we see a lot of cats with blocked urethras, which is not uncommon in male cats. Usually the vets can just place a urethral catheter and remove the blockage, but for cats who block frequently, they will often recommend a perineal urethrostomy (PU): a surgical procedure in which the penis is removed to shorten the urethra and reduce the possibility of blocking again.
Sadly, many of my coworkers have the tendency to refer to this as “making him into a girl”, and it bothers me to no end. I mean, I know we’re talking about cats here, but there’s this extremely old idea in our culture that the penis is the marker of one’s sex, so that having one makes you male and not having one makes you not-male (which has historically meant female). Never mind that the vagina is a structure unto itself, which exists independent of the presence or absence of a penis, or that removing the penis doesn’t make an animal female any more than sewing one on would make them male; no, let’s just swallow this phallocentric notion of sex differences, and apply it to non-humans to boot. But there’s no way for me to say this at work without sounding like some “wombyn-power” stereotype of a feminist – especially since, again, we’re talking about cats – so I rant to you instead.
Good news, everyone! I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE AGAIN!
I just wanted to announce this because I’m so happy and relieved about it. I no longer have to fear being in perennial debt if I get hit by a car!
@LBT
Yea insurance!!!
Everyone else on this thread has been more eloquent and helpful, but Marie’s note about your father using trans suicide stats against you stuck out for me, Ally. He wants to have everything he wants and not take responsibility for any of it.
Please tell me if I’m derailing from you, but I’ve been through this kind of thing first hand. My parents used to “scare me back straight” by often telling me about the corrective rapes asexuals have suffered w/o the context of bigotry. Someone I knew who was bullied for being queer faced that from her relatives every day, about how “people of her kind” go through assaults, homelessness, and suicides and “why would /you/ want to put yourself through that?”
It’s a particular kind of abuse, is it called “compartmentalizing information?” where the abuser constructs a different kind of reality for the abused, so they have no way out relying on the info only the abuser gives them. Even though it’s obvious why trans people’s rates of suicide and depression are so high, your father won’t acknowledge it because people like him refuse to “compromise” (as if accepting you at your happiest should even be “compromising!”) and accept others even if they’re not to your liking! As oraclenine said it’s all about him, and if he does hurt himself (I do not wish that for you) you shouldn’t be pulled down with him, you don’t deserve it.
WOOT!
RE: hannasoumaki
Everyone else on this thread has been more eloquent and helpful, but Marie’s note about your father using trans suicide stats against you stuck out for me, Ally. He wants to have everything he wants and not take responsibility for any of it.
My parents did a similar thing when I came out trans. They seemed to think I could just STOP being trans and that would magically solve any problems I had. It’s a very childish way of viewing the world, and yeah, tends to lead to a lot of victim-blaming and bystander behavior.
“why would /you/ want to put yourself through that?”
Ally, that goes both ways — should he pull that, snap back with something like “exactly, why would I, what makes you think this is a choice?”
That aside, he’s a grown ass adult, you’re his kid, you aren’t supposed to have to be the one setting yourself aside to care for him, at least not until he reaches the point of old age where someone has to care for him (and even then it doesn’t have to be you, my mother does more for her FIL than either of my father’s siblings)
LBT — w00t for insurance!
emilygoddess — would a well timed comment about neutering being encouraged get them thinking?
Ally, everyone has already said what I would, but better. So I’m just sending comfort and hugs.
@ LBT I’m sorry for wha they put you through and hope you’re content despite that. Also congratulations on your health insurance (hope you celebrate it safely)
RE: hannasoumaki
It’s okay; I left my folks a while back. And I am content. Shockingly, the most grief I got about being trans was from them! *snort*
Grats on the insurance, LBT. I know what a relief it is to be insured.
Standing ovation again, for everyone on the thread.
@LBT
Yay for insurance! :D
@LBT congrats on insurance!
N’thing yay for insurance!
Small funny: Mr K shared some of his memories from last night at Home, meaning I got to see from his PoV instead of my own. So he’s bringing in cups of tea and I’m sitting on the couch with Juliet lying spread out next to me. (Juliet looks generally like this chap.) Louis manages to squeeze in next to me at the end of the couch and we cuddle up, then after a little while he asks me to lie down with my head on his leg, ‘cos he’s feeling all protective and cosy and so on. I did, but made room for Juliet to move up, so she and I were more or less spooning and she had her head on his leg as well … which wasn’t at all what he’d had in mind (and no, he wasn’t thinking sexytimes). I was almost as dozy as Juliet by then and told him he had to take the package deal. :P
Ally, I wish there was a way I could take you into the future and show you that it will be ok. The road will not be smooth, hell there will be plenty of times that you want to give up but you can make it. Your father is abusive and abusers have a wide bag of tricks that they pull from. He will make you think he’s on your side and the next day will throw you under the bus. He will tell you that he is advocating for you and the next day he will tell you that you are the ultimate evil and are the reason why your family isn’t happy. He will use any trick in the book to get an emotional reaction from you and play on every feeling you have towards your family to find a weakness to make you crumble. I wish I could show you that you can be ok on the other side but there is no time machine yet.
Please know that while it is hellish, people do escape their abusers. The most dangerous time is right after you leave your abuser as they are losing control and will try anything, I mean anything, to get that control back. Please find someone to talk to that isn’t directly related to you to act as a sounding board if you can.
My life does not have the same circumstances as yours but I escaped and can tell you that it is survivable. It’s not pretty, it’s not easy but you are more than worth it. Speaking as a parent I can tell you that ultimately I want my children happy. I have an idea of what they will do in the future but I don’t control them. He doesn’t control you. His idea of the future has shit to do with life. You are a beautiful woman with a long life ahead of you. Please try to grab that life and not get tied down by what his ideas are. Ultimately any parent wants their child to be happy and you can’t be happy until you are true to yourself.
You are not responsible for his decisions. You are not responsible for anyone’s reactions to you. You are a strong woman who can do this no matter the doubt that you feel now. Concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and I promise you that it will get easier.
Internet and kitty hugs if you are willing.
@Ally, I know you’ve probably passed over your depressive state from when you wrote this, but I still want to say some of these things. Sorry it’s late.
You don’t deserve any pain for what you did. I promise. You did what was necessary. I really hope you’re OK. If you cave in use a rubber band please. You are way too good to be deserving of pain.
Why wouldn’t you deserve her love? You’re feeling awful and she’s your mother. You don’t have to re earn love every time you need it.
There’s nothing wrong with sounding like a boy either. There are a lot of women who have deep voices. It’s easy to get sucked into that self hate, since everyone can *always* find flaws in themselves.
This is what open threads are for.
If anyone is looking for a good deal, you can get 1,500 live ladybugs for 11$.
Orcon LB-C1500 Live Ladybugs, Approximately 1,500 Count
Ooh goody, ladybugs!
Those ladybugs could be useful if you have an aphid problem. But I have ethical concerns about shoving insect into a tub and mailing them. How many will still be alive when the package arrives?
Also, our culture’s love of ladybugs interests me. Many people will cringe if you offer to show them a beetle, but if that beetle happens to be a ladybug, suddenly it’s adorable and we love it.
Unrelated: I just discovered a manosphere wiki. It’s better than Wikipedia, which has all that icky feminist
realitybias!Given the manosphere’s obsessions, shouldn’t that be a di[c]ki?
I’m with you, emilygoddess. Poor bugs!
Then again, my kid sister thinks spiders are the greatest thing on earth. Her idea of a good present was to ship an enormous rubber Halloween spider on a string to a friend, with the note that the spider’s name was Bernadette and she’d protect him from nightmares.
@emilygoddess
Oh, god no, I hate lady bugs. I’ve never gotten people who like them. They’re pretty fucking high up on my bug-hate list, higher than even (for nonpoisonous ones) moths, butterflies* and cockroaches.
Then again, I think a large part of my lady-bug-hate is when I used to stay at my aunt’s house, we slept in the attic, which was a fucking lady bug breeding ground. In the summer there were hundreds of lady bugs all around, and in the winter the beds were coated with dead lady bugs, and no matter how hard you tried to get them all out, there would still be more.
*butterflies are too much like moths. Ask fade about that time I nearly trashed the foyer trying to kill a moth.
@LBT
D’awwwww. That’s an adorable present :3
RE: Marie
That friend still has Bernadette! This pleased my sister greatly.
@LBT: hooray!
@emilygoddess: while I find myself philosophically wrestling with the fact that I insist on correcting the vets and vet nurses every time they call my very pretty Ragdoll boy “she” (as in, he’s a cat, they love him, he gets attention, and has no idea or interest in what they’re saying), I do think that this type of behaviour shows how pervasive stereotypical notions of “males” and “females” permeate our cultures. Given that small/domesticated/pet vet staff are attracted to the specialty because they love animals (I assume, YMMV), I wonder if they would be intrigued if you started up a casual conversation on this. In NZ, most of the vets qualifying now are female anyways, so here the vet school has had to start addressing the sexism it contained when acquaintances of mine trained as vets. I don’t know if the same has occurred in your area. So yeah, while not hurtful to the animal, it could be an interesting and mind-broadening (for them, not you, obviously) if you started a conversation.
I find ladybirds cute, and I agree that shipping them seems cruel. I don’t even like the way queen bees are freighted around.
These bugs, however, I have no love for:
Weta, one of my phobias: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weta
Huhu bug (grub is fine, it’s when they fly as adults and bang into windows, plus they bite): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Huhu_beetle
@kiwi girl
Blasphemy! Weta’s are waaaayyy cuter than ladybugs. Look at this one It’s eating a carrot it’s so cute! :D
*should clarify you don’t have to look at it (duh). Especially since you mentioned it was one of your phobias. I just find them strangley cute :3
/faints
Do you ever experience being so scared that you can’t even scream because no sound comes out? That’s me if I see a weta on me or accidentally touch one.
Too late, I looked.
@kiwi girl
:( I”m sorry.
Oh Marie, it’s okay, it was just a photo that was nowhere near my fingers. If it had been a book and my fingers had been near the photo when I turned the page, I would have had a slight start. :)
My weta phobia is about when they really might touch me. I’m sorry if I made you feel bad. I should have put a smiley face on my last comment. You really haven’t upset me or anything, and I did figure it was going to be a photo of a weta when I clicked the link. :) Because you did put in an accurate description.
/hugs
@Kiwi girl
Ok, whew :3
[Content note: self-harm]
Thank you so much, everyone. I’m feeling miserable, although I’m successfully resisting the urge to hurt myself. My heart is aching really badly right now. I don’t want the majority of my family to hate me. I just want to live peacefully with them. I want my family reunions to be happy ones, with family members joking about how I’m coincidentally adhering to traditional gender norms by being trans female and cooking for the family. Things like that. I don’t want to lose all of that. I just can’t afford to. But I know that it will all go away eventually. I used to joke about being the black sheep of the family but it really isn’t a joke anymore. It might as well be a reality already.
I feel so hopeless. Hopefully, though, when I go to a trans support group this week I can ask for good trans-friendly therapists in the Boulder county area. I really need a therapist.
@Ally
::hugs:: And good luck finding a therapist. :3
::hugs Marie back::
If anyone has any good trans-friendly therapists they know in the Denver Metro Area or Boulder, CO, please let me know. It would be much appreciated.
Kiwi girl – a NZer guy I knew back in the 80s told me how a weta landed on his head once, and he said his scream flattened all the crops and trees within a twenty-mile radius.
I could well believe it!
@Ally: good luck with the therapist search. :) And remember that it’s all about therapist-client rapport, so if you get one that you don’t gel with, even if they come highly recommended, that’s cool – it’s just that that particular therapist is not a good fit with you. :)
@kitteh: there are various types of weta, including cave wetas. The Waitomo caves glow-worm tourist attraction in the Waikato, which is dark because.. glow-worms.. -full- of wetas on the ceiling. /shudders
Currently we only have a cicada crisis, the damn things are trying to fly into the house via the windows. And they are -loud- which isn’t helped by us being partially surrounded by bush (so we have more of them). Tonight was deafening, thank the FSM for double glazing to cut down on the noise. The cats, however, are barely interested.
See cassandra, I did that however grammatical form just for you! :)
Yeah, cicadas are noisy beggars. Never had them try to get into the house, though.
I don’t know what sort of weta it was that scared my friend. Probably a deaf one, after that!
D’you remember the time in Footrot Flats when Wal’ thought he’d scare Aunt Dolly by putting a cave weta on his head? That joke backfired …
@kiwi girl
How about I take some of your cicadas and you take some of my (east coast USA) snow?