Pretty Cats Make Hats
As requested, an open thread. I’ll try to get these up more often in the future. This one will be overseen by Morrissey with a cat on his head.
No trolls, no arguments.
Posted on January 14, 2014, in off topic, open thread. Bookmark the permalink. 601 Comments.
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WHTM, written and edited by David Futrelle, tracks and mocks the New Misogyny online, focusing especially on Men's Rights, Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW), and Pickup Artist (PUA) sites.
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Is any of those pdfs a good introductory one for the general reader, Ally? I’d love to get some info but without plunging into social science language that’s going to leave me going Wut?
deniseeliza – I wish I had something helpful to say! I’d be scratching my head over how to respond, too.
Or there’s always Free Meh.
@kitteh
Whipping Girl and Sexing the Body are accessible to most readers. They’re well written and not loaded with undefined jargon. I’ll happily send them to you if you want plus a bonus PDF – one that I used to find great difficulty in trying to access. :)
Thank you, Ally, that would be great!
I think we can email via the Borg – I’m a mod (of a very inactive sort, heh) there so our emails should be available … I think? Don’t really know how it works.
I’m trying to find your email on FemBorg but I’ve had no luck so far. X_X I’m not sure why. It would probably easier if you emailed me so I can use your address.
kittehserf: I like “Free Meh”.
Ally: Your description of Whipping Girl (and the focus on femmephobia) sounds a lot like a variation on those hipster doods (almost invariably white, cis- and het) who insist that all society’s inequalities boil down to economic injustice, and so if we could only eradicate that, then everything else would fall into line. Personally, I remain perpetually in awe of humanity’s ability to find completely novel and diverse ways to be shitty to one another.
@freemage
In a way, you’re right. However, having read some stuff on Marxist feminism, I wouldn’t say that an anti-oppression philosophy that reduces all social injustice to economic injustice necessarily precludes intersectional analysis of oppression. Yes, there is a history of Marxists saying shit like “Yeah, women shouldn’t face any disadvantages because of being female, but we can fix that by just abolishing capitalism.” But many Marxist feminist would argue that such reasoning stems from a flawed understanding of oppression. One can argue that the patriarchy is rooted in capitalist power relations without dismissing the unique oppressive effects of the patriarchy on women.
Ally — check under users, or I can just email you both if you two want me to?
Woo, we win again
http://www.businessinsider.com.au/top-countries-on-oecd-better-life-index-2013-5#1-australia-15
“For the second year in a row, Australia is the number one happiest country in the world. And it’s not hard to see why –they rank extremely well in health, civic engagement, and housing.”
I wonder if in this survey they looked at how well marginalised people do. Averages aren’t everything. Can someone who knows how to read survey data see if they looked at anything along those lines?
“Australia also has exceptional voter turnout at 93% during recent elections, which is far above the OECD average of 72%.”
This is actually really low considering it’s compulsory.
Idea for a new money making scheme for the US govt. Make voting compulsory and fine those who don’t show up. Side-benefit – they’d have to make it so everyone was able to vote in the first place. I wonder how much it would effect US elections if voting were compulsory.
Argenti, sure, email me!
Kim: I’d personally support that initiative. As you note, there’d need to be serious changes in terms of access–multi-day voting, at a minimum. But it would definitely ensure greater participation.
Kim – I wonder what universe they live in, talking about our great housing situation? House prices are way out of reach of so many people (especially if you don’t want to be in monstrous debt forever) and there are far too few rental properties available.
Yeeeeeeahhhhhh, knowing our politicians, we’d pass the law that voting was mandatory, close all the polling places, abolish absentee ballots, require 5 forms of ID to register a year in advance, and then tell everyone who couldn’t vote that they’re just lazy.
@cupisnique: I pretty much play whatever I get my hands on (except sports games, those are awful). From obscure indie games like Off to AAA games like Far Cry 3, I pretty much play them all. Actually going through Far Cry 3 right now, it is quite good. Especially love the fire mechanics, they make for some very interesting fights. They are also trying to do some interesting things with the story and characters, which is always nice to see.
@Ally S: I love Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Anthrax, Old Metallica, Queensryche, Entombed, and Electric Wizard as well. I also really like Ulver, Immortal, Emperor, Athiest, Napalm Death (obviously), Death, Trouble, Carcass, Testament, Overkill, Megadeth, Burzum (against my better judgement), In Flames, At The Gates, Mastodon, Lamb of God, and Weakling. Actually found this new band called Vektor, and they are totally awesome. They only have two albums out so far, but both are just jaw-droppingly amazing masterpieces of technical, blackened thrash. Basically, Voivod meets Immortal. I just can’t get over how good they are, blows my mind every time I listen to Outer Isolation or Black Future. :D
Quick question for everyone — does anyone know any good horror games that aren’t in first person? I burned through Mad Father/Ib/Lost Door/etc. pretty quickly and it’s hard to find Mac-compatible stuff. :'(
Sorry, don’t know any horror games, constellarmaid.
@constellarmaid
When I was at PAX I played a demo of a game that got me REALLY excited (and it was totally creepy), called Neverending Nightmares. I donated to its kickstarter and its still in early stages, but it will be released on Mac.
Pretty sure the demo is currently Windows only, but yeah keep an eye on this one :) It’s a sidescroller.
http://www.neverendingnightmares.com for the trailer
BTW, that trailer linked above is MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING for horror and self-harm.
@kittehserf
technically, it doesn’t have to be great. It just has to be better than the other countries.
I’ve never felt like there were a lack of rental properties, except in the coveted 2Br, close to the city but reasonably priced range. Even when I was a poor student, we could always find something as long as we had enough housemates. I can believe it’s a bit of a nightmare for a non-well-paid single person who isn’t able to house-share.
My main gripe about rentals is how anti-pet people can be. I lied about having a cat for many years. Americans – what’s the situation with cats in rentals over there?
Kim, yeah, the anti-pet stuff is hugely annoying. And close to the city, or at least near public transport, is essential for non-drivers. There’s something like 1% rental available in inner Melbourne (1% of the demand, I presume they mean). And the prices – yeah, well, that’s why I live where the suburban sprawl meets Gippsland, because it’s all I can afford without living in a dive with disintegrating walls. Most flats in the inner suburbs cost more than I earn.
Just being better than other places is a pretty crap definition of “good” with this sort of thing.
@constellarmaid: If you want horror of a more “Eraserhead” vain, try Off. Yume Nikki would be pretty good too. There are also plenty of good horror games for some of the older game consoles as well, like Silent Hill or Fatal Frame.
@deniseeliza: Oooh, that looks marvelously creepy. :D That’s exciting, I’ll stay on the lookout for it!
@BreakfastMan: I’ve played some of Off, haven’t yet finished it but really enjoyed it so far. :O And I’m a huge fan of Yume Nikki, hehe.
Quite the selection of black/death metal you have there. =P A good selection, too. I would say my favorites in that list are Immortal, Burzum, and Lamb of God.
I’m more into “milder” metal like Black Sabbath, but I’m slowly starting to like more black metal, death metal, etc. Bolt Thrower is probably my favorite death metal band so far.
I haven’t checked out Vektor, but apparently they have a song called “Tetrastructural Minds” and that sounds awesome, so they’re on my listening list (I’m shallow like that =P).
@constellarmaid
You might be interested in Ao Oni. That game is fucking terrifying, even though it’s a simple 2D game. I haven’t played it but I’ve seen a video walkthrough.
On the plus side, if you ever want a treechange you’ll be amazed at how much more you get for your money.
@constellarmaid: There is also Lone Survivor and I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream, if you are okay with buying games.
http://www.gog.com/game/lone_survivor_directors_cut
http://www.gog.com/game/i_have_no_mouth_and_i_must_scream
It can be pretty bad here too. I have some friends who are concealing cats. I once had a landlord refuse to let me keep a single mouse in a cage for fear that the building would somehow become infested.
If anyone likes creepy shit:
That was so creepy at the end, but I loved when the clock started “alarming” at them when they started questioning time as a construct, it made me lol.
@Ally S: Yeah, I do admit, I tend to listen to extreme metal more often than not, and black or thrash more than death. I do enjoy basically all forms of metal (even some nu metal, if I am in the mood!), but I generally listen to a lot of extreme metal. Which, as someone on the political left, can sometimes be a bit awkward, especially when it comes to black metal… I do try to avoid the more obviously vile stuff like Absurd or Graveland, but still… It isn’t easy. D:
And yeah, Vektor is just crazy. While many other metal bands go for a horror, fantasy, or dark/horror fantasy vibe, Vektor is definitely in the science-fiction end of things. It is quite refreshing, if I am being honest. :D
Might want to rephrase that.
Right sorry. “Vektor doesn’t play by anybodies rules, and the result is like something from an absurd, dark flash gordon serial”.
I’ve never once had issues with fish, even been told/asked how much harm could they cause? (Uh, ok, this was when I just had a 10g, but having been given a free pass…a 55g and 29g? Well, what do you think 100~ gallons of water can do to a floor?)
Cats…either no go, or monthly fee. And the later place was lax, the neighbor had a cute little dog that at least the maintance guy must’ve seen, but didn’t care (he was cool like that though — here to check the pipes, not to mention that you clearly put the bong away to let him in)
Luck of the draw I guess. I’ve never had issue, but my pets have always been in tanks (I’ve had the fish, of course, but a frog at one point [miss that little one…], a newt [she turned me into a newt!] and hermit crabs [who can totally escape! and the newt did…never found it :'( ])
But you got better.
Lol, cute story! I had a solo hermit crab here at one point (it was my first, once I knew they needed friends I got more), well, it kept getting out, usually to be found crawling along the table the tank was on, but this one time it was just NOWHERE to be found. I mean, we scoured the table, under it, the couches nearby, under them, worked out wards to the point of “no way it got up the stairs, or into the basement since last seen, I think it may really be gone”…I was like 12, and started looking near the tank again, hoping it’d come back for food, when I see a nearby plant moving. Damn crab had buried itself in the potting soil! (Probably to molt, I also didn’t yet know that they bury themselves to do that)
Moral of the story — if you have an escapee hermit crab, be sure to check the plants!
@Ally S I’ve played Ao Oni and I loved it. :D Pixely 2D horror games are my favorites (especially because I can actually work the controls, oops).
@BreakfastMan Ooooh. :O I might have to wait a bit to check those out, as I still need to find a job on campus and my savings are running a bit low, but I am definitely interested…
Kim:
In Hawaii, it can be super tough to find a pet friendly rental. Largely due to the fact that many military renters will abandon cats when they return to the mainland. Lots of strays here. And wild chickens, for what it’s worth.
Argenti:
Good to formally meet ya! For now, I will stick to AIT here. The gender neutral pronouns can be tough to remember sometimes, but I will try if I refer to you. I generally stick to they/them, which works well enough in the singular too. I am active duty now, so I can provide at least one more military viewpoint. I will preface that, unless I say so, anything I say is most likely my opinion, not that of my branch of service.
Katz:
Awesome! I will have to look at that more later, a story about folks in the Red Army sounds real interesting. A formal situation, they would likely include first names.
Also, I immediately thought Red Ribbon Army when I first read that. Too much DBZ abridged.
My family seems to have been adopted by a cat. He showed up about a month ago and hasn’t left. I’ve been calling him Garage Cat because that’s where he’s been living since he won’t actually come into the house but I think his name has been firmly established now as Buddy. He’s a big male Maine Coon and he’s slowly starting to trust us enough to tolerate a few ear scratches but that’s it.
Yay for Maine Coons. They are the most fluffiest.
Hope he settles in, Noadi!
I’d love to have a Maine Coon, but it wouldn’t be doing them any favours living in this heat. :(
He’s incredibly fluffy. If he was another breed I’d be a little more worried about him staying in the unheated garage but he’s quite comfy out there, especially with the blanket lined box we set up for him. Hopefully he’ll be friendly enough soon that we can get him into the carrier for a trip to the vet, he needs to get checked out and neutered.
That is such a better description. :)
The tales of American landlords make me super glad that renting through real-estate agents is the common thing here, not dealing with a landlord directly. Living in the same building as your landlord… i can’t even… real estate agents are too busy and/or slack to get up in your business most of the time.
Also… gender neutral alternative to landlord?
Noadi — my aunt and uncle in upstate New York have a garage cat, a barn cat that wandered over and decided to stay, not a maine coon, and the garage may be heated (he used it as a workshop for yeeaaaars) but kitty is fine with this arrangement, never bothers the other cats but never tries to come in either. Not real fond of people, though I’ve managed a few ear scratches. Point here is that a maine coon in a blanketed box should be fine.
If you’re really worried about the temp, any decent pet store that carries reptile stuff will have plug in heaters, though idk if they’re save to use on anything besides glass (stick it inside an upside baking pan?) they’re cheap, I think the one on the 2.5g was like $5 or something.
AIT — they/them for you, or what you usually use for folks when you don’t know their gender? And if you don’t mind me asking, what sort of military? Both my grandfathers were in WWII, and I have a cousin who was stationed in Germany when the wall fell (and may or may not have bought pieces back), and am ever the curious sort. Feel free not to answer of course, I don’t mean to pry.
Kim — lessor, and the renter is the lessee
Kim – it’s such pot luck with landlords and agents. In our last place we rented direct from complete DIY idiots, and the only good things about that were cheap rent (for the area) and them not caring how many cats we had. Where we are now, we go through an agent, and they’re pains. Six monthly inspections where they say things like “that windowsill’s dusty” and don’t actually pass on any of the mantenance issues to our landlords – who are lovely people who want us there ‘cos they know we’re very good tenants. We’ve decided to talk to each other direct ‘cos the agents are ninnies.
Hey, what to folks think about this message I’m planning to post on Facebook when I come out? I’ve already received some feedback on it, but I’d like hearing what you folks have to say. It helps to hear a variety of opinions.
@Kim: Yeah, it is. I really need to remember not to use “garbage words” to describe things. It really forces one to think about what to say and just write better in general. XD
Breakfastman: And suddenly I’m interested in listening to Vektor!
Ally, it is really hard to like give any form of criticism to your message but if anything I really do believe that you should just pour your heart out and explain and describe who you are and what you have been through in life, really try to make people understand.
But maybe that isn’t you and you just want to be succinct and get it over with. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you and I wish you the best.
Ally: I think that sounds good. It’s very honest and simple. Can’t wait until you come down so you can post it!
Argenti:
Oh, for me, he/his is fine, cys male. I meant more I stick to they when referrimg to others. I am Air Force, and also had a grandfather who served in WWII. He earned himself a Silver Star flying on one of the bombers, actually. It‘s my second favorite story about him, second to him losing rank to keep his subordinates out of harm’s way.
Ally:
I agree with katz, I would only think that you really have no need to apologize for them not being able to handle it, if they cannot. Either way, I am sure you will have no shortage of support here. I truly hope all goes well, you deserve to openly be who you are.
Random tidbit, my tablet wants to finish katz as Katzenberg.
Ally, I think it’s really good. ::hugs::
Katz:
*lol*
Went to oncologist on Monday. Markers all clear, scans are good too. That’s 3.5 years from diagnosis. I’m not out of the woods yet but the trees are getting further apart. Now I just need to work on getting fit.
Ally, the message is great, but I’m gonna repeat the Feministe comments: you have no reason to apologise.
This:
Why are you apologising for their (possible) feelings? You’ve done them no wrong. You’re telling them the truth about yourself. It’s not an attack on them in any way.
I really, seriously think you should drop the apology – or like was said on Feministe, give a notpology (“I’m sorry you feel that way” is more than enough)! Any apology immediately puts you in the wrong here, as if there is something you should be sorry for doing. There isn’t.
Please, don’t give ammunition to anyone who wants to guilt-trip you or air their prejudices or whatever.
@Katz: Well, if you don’t have a tolerance for harsh, screeched vocals or don’t enjoy very fast, very technical music, you might want to steer clear. Their music caters to a very specific taste, which most people don’t really enjoy. XD
AIT — male pronouns, k. And if you forget ze // zir, I’m not going to flip out about they // them, I’m forgiving with good faith efforts and questions :)
And your grandfather sounds like the stuff heroes are made of — only “impressive” stories from mine are a family story about my mother’s father getting in trouble for showing up for duty without pants, having sunburned his ass on leave, he died when I was tiny though, so idk how true it is; the other would probably still be fighting the gov’n to acknowledge he was in Korea, except dementia is setting in and the forbidden muffins are far more important (diabetic, in a group home now, and really likes those muffins!)
Everyone — speaking of my grandfather, he’s doing well enough, though he needs to get his ass out of the wheelchair and use his walker more (and stay out of the muffins!) My father, otoh, continues to be an asshole about things, still acting like everything that might be for attention is just a play game that has to be stopped because, uh, idk…
[TW: self-injury and suicide]
…but I got that shit when he knew I was self-injuring…I’m not sure he has any logic behind it, beyond stop seeking attention. And asswipe has started leaving things like “hang myself” on his to do lists that he leaves on the stove (usually containing such things as “buy cigars, pick up prescription, take [grandpa] to dr, etc”…you know, I bit like your to do list)
I love having to live with a fucking emotionally manipulative asshole while trying to deal with my grandfather having dementia (and the fact that most of the people in the home are much further gone and dealing with people who’ve forgotten basic social norms like not deciding to stand a foot behind someone [and hi! PTSD, you do not want to stand that close to me without me knowing when you're tiny and frail, I'm the jumpy sort])
I’m other things, still no word from SSI, and That Date is approaching. At least the weekend at pecunium’s seems to have sorted my brain out for now. For extra awesome, this was planned last minute.
Seranvali — that’s wonderful news!
Oh, Ally, my only suggestion would be how you sign it. Anyone not pissed by that point should adjust to using your female name, might as well include it in that last bit. Honestly, I’d be inclined to be ruder, but I’ve got it a bit easier being non-binary and having never had my family enforce gender roles the idea of going “deal with it, or don’t, not my problem” is a bit easier — as long as I leave trans* stuff out of it, I’ve got my mother on my side for that one, and not even my father can manage to get her to back down. So idk if you should just go “deal with it” or not, but it seems like a good time to introduce people to your new name.
deniseeliza: I’m just not sure the best way to support them when I disagree with their interpretations of their experiences. I don’t want to invalidate their feelings, but then on the other hand, maybe they are asking me for a reality check? I don’t know.
Honestly, your best bet is to ask the person what they want, and then try to figure out what you want to give. It’s like with any new relationship – figuring out peoples’ quirks, but it’s not like there are answers to “what do you need from me” which line up neatly with a DSM Diagnosis; people are still individuals who want and need different things – and want and need different things from different people.
I’d be concerned if you didn’t feel like you could be honest with your friend, though. I mean, I don’t mean Honesty-as-an-excuse-to-be-rude, but personally I think being able to disagree civilly is the basis of any relationship that will last, and the fact that one person in the relationship may or may not be grandiose or paranoid (both of these are… hrm… challenging to determine in an online context, frankly; reality is not the secure and reliable thing we like to think it is) shouldn’t change that. I lean towards, “It seems to me like..” phrasings of things, but that’s because I spend too much time therapizing and I’m a bit of an emotional wimp who wants everyone to like me because I’m so nice; you have your own strengths and weaknesses that make you unique and wonderful as a friend. ;)
Re: metal – it sounds like people here actually know where genre’s end. I’ve been curious for ages – do you have to split the softer Queensryche and harder Queensryche stuff into two genres? Or are they just Heavy Metal even when the guitars aren’t squealing? Also, anyone know what genre Disturbed falls under? Is Tool heavy metal?
Ally: Good luck on coming out; fingers crossed for you. A dear friend began transitioning almost two years ago, and he is pleased as punch these days; it went a whole lot better than he thought it would, and I was so glad he didn’t wait since I knew how miserable he was (he was worried his family would disown him). May you have similar blessings in friends and family.
Seranvali: Fantastic news. Yay. 8D
Argenti: Dear gods, that sounds so sucky. 8( I am so sorry your father is full of fail.
As for me, I am sick and whiny and don’t want to work but there’s too much going on and I’m wellish enough to work, so calling out feels crappy and unnecessary. But dear gods, I am sick and tired of people who manage housing for people with mental illnesses getting all up at arms because their tenants are mentally ill. Shockingly, people with schizophrenia sometimes have odd, non-harmful behavior – and we don’t actually lock them up for it because it doesn’t hurt anyone. Guh, the number of people in management positions in mental health who seem to be unaware of what a mental illness is continues to stagger me – either they assume the clients are infants and patronize them into last week, or they assume they should be operating better than non-currently mentally ill people do. Neither assumption IS HELPFUL.
Stupid humans. -_-;;;;
Argenti:
It’s a great story to tell, and he’s really one of the big reasons I decided to join the AF, but sadly he passed away when I was 6 months old, pretty much same as your late grandfather. My grandmother tells me I look a lot like him. I actually enjoy silly stories like those. Military folk are human too.
I really hope your grandfather can get that acknowledgement through. I have heard plenty of horror stories of people having problems with VA over exactly that. It’s a crying shame.
Interestingly enough, as far as the US military goes, the AF is the only branch without a gender neutral pronoun. For the Army, it’s Soldier, for the Navy, Sailor, for the Marines, Marine, and for Air Force, Airman. I questioned it a bit when I joined, but I really have no idea who I would try to put this forward to, and what to replace it with. Best I can personally come up with is Flyer, but that’d be kind of odd, since a good chunk of the Air Force actually isn’t airborne. Contrary to popular belief, being in the AF does not make me a pilot. Anyone have ideas?
Robert Ramirez:
Is this your first time studying Mandarin? If so, it really helps to get down the basic sounds of Chinese first. There’s a bunch of tables like this out there, quickmandarin[dot]com[slash]chinesepinyintable, which help to get basic sounds down. The biggest problem I had when I started was getting the difference between the zi, ci, si, and zhi, chi, shi, ri sounds. That, and tones. Tones are huge. But, I’m sure your laoshi has already brought up the tonality of the language.
I found a picture on the internet of a female bodybuilder who is over 50 years of age. Here’s a link to the picture.
And MRAs say that women aren’t desirable past their 20’s.
I don’t comment here much but I’ve been slowly running out of places to vent as I’ve quit like half a dozen of my former haunts for being too toxic. Examples include one where the mods refused to mod a thread saying “sometimes women provoke domestic abuse so it’s not always wrong” and another where a sexual assault survivors subforum was decried for being judgemental to nonsurvivors (the missing text here is “who victim-blamed”) and anyway we all had victim complexes. The point of this ramble is that I’m coming here to vent because after fleeing everywhere horrid I have very few outlets left.
I have a three year old stepson, but he doesn’t live with me right now for reasons which will hopefully be out of the way by next month. He and my partner stay at my flat one night a week, then he and my partner stay at partner’s mum’s for another three nights, and stepson spends the other three nights of the week at his mum’s. Partner and I have pretty simple beliefs about parenting, mainly that it should always be done calm, and consistent expectations are important. Stepson’s mum and granny don’t share these beliefs, or if they do they just don’t implement them, or what. This inconsistency is really starting to bite us in the arse, particularly partner and I because we feel like we need to be the Bad Guys because we won’t let him dictate what consequences there are for bad behaviour. So, persistently not listening to instructions: three minutes on the naughty stool.
What he wants, and what he usually gets from his granny and his mum, is to say “sorry” and then get to do whatever he likes again. To the point where, partner was taking him back to the naughty stool after he ran out and kicked him, and he said “sorry daddy” in the most piteous tone, but then shrieked in absolute fury when my partner didn’t react. “I SAID SORRY I SAID SORRY I SAID SORRY” like…why are there still consequences? Ugh it was so unpleasant. I was determined to stick with it because he was making it so plain that he knew exactly what was expected of him and he just didn’t want us to go through with it. Even if it meant fighting it for an hour, he wanted to ultimately decide when the consequence was over, or what it was, no matter how pointless the distinction. As time went on he kept coming out of the corner, but coming less and less far each time, until at the very end when he was almost spent, he was just barely in the doorway, inches outside of the designated area. It felt like he still wanted to have that inch of victory because every time he was moved back by oh, two paces? The shrieking began again. He finally did exactly what he was supposed to do – sat quietly for three minutes. Then afterwards you would never have known the ordeal even happened. Happy as larry, back to bopping on my keyboard and harassing the dog.
The worst part was when he started shouting “I WANT TO GO HOME” over and over and over. The thing was, he was shouting “I’ve hurt my leg!” “I’ve got a surprise for you!” “My timeout is finished!” “I want to take a photo!” “I want to play with the piano!” “I want to play with my present!” “I want to have a little rest!” “I need a poo!” and everything else imaginable, but something about “I want to go home” just cut me. Because I know I’m going to have to be the ‘strict’ one once he’s living here, knowing what his mum and his granny are like. I know there’s really not going to be much reward in this until he’s much older. I mean, him being respectful and well-behaved will be a reward, but it still cuts me that he may never *enjoy* me like he’ll enjoy his other caregivers who’ll spoil him, and partner and I may always be the ones with the dirty jobs. I know “you’re not my mum” is really not far off, either. And I worry so much that it might be for nothing if it’s only for three or four days a week, and the other three or four days he’s living in front of the telly (his mum bought him his own for his third birthday, for his bedroom so he’ll never be in a room without one at her house) and never facing any real consequences. This is how it’s been up until now because since stepson’s mum split with my partner, their lives have been very up in the air and disordered, and it’s only now that some semblance of being settled is occurring. And this is what we’re already having to deal with as a result of that.
And the thing about the “I said sorry, why is this still happening?” thing. Is he’s only tiny but I want that lesson to hit home and soon. It’s a lesson many grown men have failed to grasp, and I’m depressed that it has even taken root in him already even though I know why. The only consequences right now are a headache for me and my partner, but I regularly have to deal with grown men who still think intentions are magic and I’m sorry eradicates consequences, and it’s a pretty big deal.
Sigh, parenting isn’t being nice to us right now.
Kat,
Venting is what this thread is for – well, that & sharing kitty/fish photos.
And for small (and large) children – consistency is what it’s all about. Gives children security and confidence, even when they seem to be testing their boundaries (and your patience) to the limit.
Sorry it’s such tough going at the moment. And while you think he may never “enjoy” you because you don’t spoil him, you’re the one with the keyboard and the dog, and who knows what other fascinating qualities. Spoiling isn’t everything.
Ally: As others noted, the apology and the signature both jumped out at me. You certainly have nothing to apologize for; I kind of like the notpology approach in this case. And perhaps signing it [New Name], FKA [Birth Name] would make it clear, while still being non-confrontational, that this is how you’d prefer to be addressed from now on.
Kat: For what it’s worth, you’re doing the right thing. Even the inconsistency of his living situation can work to your advantage, so long as you and your partner are consistent in how you treat him. This will teach him that he can’t always count on everyone to react the same as everyone else–a useful awareness that many adults lack. My mother is a warm, caring person, but she didn’t deal with nonsense from her grandkids (my brother’s brood). If they were pitching a fit, they got sent to the bedroom to bawl it out–a rule that was rarely, if ever, exercised at their home. (My brother and SIL were more of the ‘talk louder than any of the kids’ school of thought. I love them all dearly, but my ears occasionally ring after we leave their place following family gatherings.)
Eventually, it got to the point where I witnessed my then-four-year-old niece get upset at being told “No,” get the ‘scrunchy face’ every parent learns to loathe, stalk into the bedroom, lay down on the bed, and THEN start bawling. She’d learned–you cannot pitch a fit in grandma’s living room. Period.
And needless to say, all four of those kids adore their grandmother, making arrangements whenever possible to visit her, even as young adults (the niece in question is now a senior in high school, and enjoys nothing more than finding a way to spend a week at grandma’s place). So do hang in there; it’s obvious you love the kid. You might want to see if there’s a ‘step-parent support group’ of some sort in your area; I know that role can have some specific challenges.
@Katz: I dunno about military, but I read a list of amusing Puritan names this morning (Fly-Fornication, anyone?) and there was a guy named Humiliation who named his two sons both Humiliation. Try sorting that one out.
The closest I’ve got to the military is, one of my grandfathers was a clerk in the US Army, and the other grandfather was more valuable to the military with a hammer and plumb than with a rifle. His brother got took for a soldier, and pled conscientious objector (he was a fairly devout Baptist) so they gave him a stretcher and sent him into the Pacific. He never was the same. I remember him as pretty quiet, but that was probably because he was stone deaf.
My dad was too scrawny after several years in college for the Army’s satisfaction, and then Nam ended before his number came back up.
” I dunno about military, but I read a list of amusing Puritan names this morning (Fly-Fornication, anyone?) and there was a guy named Humiliation who named his two sons both Humiliation. Try sorting that one out.”
What an asshole, that’s going to fuck with roll call in elementary school so bad.
Kat,
You are doing it right! It may take longer for the results to kick in because of the situation, but soon enough the frequency and duration of the fits will drop. Before you know it, that first warning will be all you need. It may take YEARS, but your relationship will be better off for it. Clear boundaries and expectations build trust, so when he’s a rowdy teenager, you will be the shoulder he can lean on and the safe place he can vent. Seriously.
@auggz: Eh, it was sometime before 1850. Plenty folks homeschooled then.
The Puritans thought names ought to instruct, obviously, but some were downright cruel while others were beautiful. I read of a young boy whose two older sisters were Faith and Hope, so he got named (you can see this coming) And-Charity.
I have a great-grandfather named Ivory John, born ca. 1880-1890 off the top of my head; he had a brother named Friendless who died of (I wanna say) TB. For a long time Friendless’ headstone was being overgrown by a tree trunk, but the tree recently died and was cleared away.
And I just read of a Confederate brigadier-general whose given names were States Rights. He died in the war in 1864.
Oh I misread and thought that was some recent story. Isn’t it legally considered child abuse to name your kids terrible things? There was one family I heard of that named their children “Adolf Hitler” and “Aryan Race”, and I think they were taken by CPS.