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Man Boobz’ Least Satisfied Customers: A Terrible Search Term Extravaganza

This picture may make one Man Boobz reader very happy.
This picture may make one Man Boobz reader happy.

Sometimes I like to take a look through the search terms that people use to get to Man Boobz. Doing that recently it occurred to me just how disappointed many of these searchers must be when they arrive here and find no answers to their questions, nothing to slake their curiosity.

I thought I’d collect together some reccent search terms from the people you might call Man Boobz’ Least Satisfied Customers.

Warning: This list is extremely NSFW, as people are filthy perverts. And some of them are also terrible.

Let’s begin this catalogue of disappointments:

do men like cunningulus
how do i meet a man online and he pay me money for some pussy
bitches in literature
big buff black dudes
how to ask homless girl for blow job
why are women sneaky
how do you put the makeup on darth vader
discusting womens
short video of man suck women pussy without formalities
handjobs in barbershop
american woman shitting
how to make my penis glow

Sorry, folks. I’ve got nothing for any of you. Nothing at all.

Sometimes the queries have a certain poetry to them. This one sounds like a message from a dirty-minded Numbers Station. Just imagine it repeated five times in succession by a woman of indeterminate natonality with a clipped, clear, efficient voice:

glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch

Others are windows into minds that really need curtains on them:

funny picture progressive insurance flo not insuranceing a dick

Certain obsessions return again and again. Apparently there are lot of people out there interested in, and even quite worried about, the relative looseness of vaginas:

signs of loose vagina
virgina is cold loose
what will make men think the vagina is loose
do 35 year old women have looser vaginas
do guys like somewhat loose pussies

That last one is kind of sad. And I think I can actually offer a tiny bit of help: Yes, Virgina, guys like somewhat loose pussies. That is, amongst the rather large subset of guys who do like vaginas, “somewhat loose” vaginas are just fine. Really, the precise degree of  vaginal “looseness” matters about as much at the pointiness of your elbows. That is, not at all.

There are other queries about vaginas that I, alas, cannot help with:

hot babes stuffing chickpeas in their cunts
why do girls put sand in their vagina

But of course internet users are known to have a good deal of interest in vaginas overall. More unexpectedly, there is a similar degree of interest in, and confusion over, the lyrics to one famous 80s pop hit:

shes so fine she cant tell me where the money is
she’s so fine she can tell me where the money is

Of course the actual lyrics are:

She’s so fine, there’s no tellin’ where the money went

And they are, of course, from Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistable.”

But at least one person who knows the correct lyrics remains baffled by them:

what does she is so fine there’s no telling where the money went mean

I’m not quite sure why anyone would turn to Man Boobz for an answer to that question but allow me to set forth a hypothesis: The woman in question is so intoxicating, so “irresistable,” so “fine,” that the singer of the song has lost track of the amount of money that he has spent on her.

It’s not really a very feminist song, I guess, unless you interpret it as a sort of over-the-top sendup of old-fashioned dating mores.

Other queries are not so much real queries as observations. Did the people writing these think they were on Twitter?

i’ve met tyrese gibson and he’s not very tall

i find beta males attractive

I’m not quite sure what to make of the weird double negative here.

i don’t not believe these cosplay women really exist

This one kind of breaks my heart:

there has to be something about me that men dislike

Cheer up, girl! (Or not-girl, I don’t know.) You’re beautiful to us!

I only wish I knew the answers to the following two questions.

how did the amazing atheist become so popular

why would a man hate a women for no reason

But my favorite query of the whole bunch is this one:

photo of fat woman’s in pantaloons

Oh, I’ll do you one better, Mr “Photo of Fat Woman’s In Pantaloons.”

I give to you Photos — plural! — of Women Of Various Shapes and Sizes in Pantaloons. And even a few drawings to boot!

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kittehserf
7 years ago

And it’s been particularly rampageous today.

cloudiah
7 years ago

I’m reading up a lot on anarchist accountability processes where they completely let rapists off the hook.

Really? That is terrible.

Toddles Manboob
Toddles Manboob
7 years ago

Not fat enough.

I mean uh, HAHA who could that guy have been!?

Viscaria
Viscaria
7 years ago

Looks like the “ha ha, you’re FAT” guys have become so lazy that they’re not even bothering to embed their tired fat jokes into any sort of coherent sentence. I guess you’re just supposed to see the word “fat” and extrapolate from there.

Howard Bannister
7 years ago

@Viscaria:

I think he was actually playing off this line from the OP:

photo of fat woman’s in pantaloons

So the joke is that he is that searcher, and doesn’t think he got his search’s worth there, but then quickly turns around and goes ‘wait, I’m not that guy, who could that be, ha-ha?’

Like a sitcom moment.

pecunium
6 years ago

One of my favorite stories about a plant that did actually read the badges was about a couple of employees who were called in to trace where they had been, because their films were fogged.

Lots of analysis of their days… the only thing in common took a while to parse; they each owned a bright yellow Fiesta Ware bowl, which had been glazed with an ore that had faint traces of Uranium in it. It’s what they put their keys and badges in when they got home.