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Man Boobz’ Least Satisfied Customers: A Terrible Search Term Extravaganza

This picture may make one Man Boobz reader very happy.
This picture may make one Man Boobz reader happy.

Sometimes I like to take a look through the search terms that people use to get to Man Boobz. Doing that recently it occurred to me just how disappointed many of these searchers must be when they arrive here and find no answers to their questions, nothing to slake their curiosity.

I thought I’d collect together some reccent search terms from the people you might call Man Boobz’ Least Satisfied Customers.

Warning: This list is extremely NSFW, as people are filthy perverts. And some of them are also terrible.

Let’s begin this catalogue of disappointments:

do men like cunningulus
how do i meet a man online and he pay me money for some pussy
bitches in literature
big buff black dudes
how to ask homless girl for blow job
why are women sneaky
how do you put the makeup on darth vader
discusting womens
short video of man suck women pussy without formalities
handjobs in barbershop
american woman shitting
how to make my penis glow

Sorry, folks. I’ve got nothing for any of you. Nothing at all.

Sometimes the queries have a certain poetry to them. This one sounds like a message from a dirty-minded Numbers Station. Just imagine it repeated five times in succession by a woman of indeterminate natonality with a clipped, clear, efficient voice:

glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch

Others are windows into minds that really need curtains on them:

funny picture progressive insurance flo not insuranceing a dick

Certain obsessions return again and again. Apparently there are lot of people out there interested in, and even quite worried about, the relative looseness of vaginas:

signs of loose vagina
virgina is cold loose
what will make men think the vagina is loose
do 35 year old women have looser vaginas
do guys like somewhat loose pussies

That last one is kind of sad. And I think I can actually offer a tiny bit of help: Yes, Virgina, guys like somewhat loose pussies. That is, amongst the rather large subset of guys who do like vaginas, “somewhat loose” vaginas are just fine. Really, the precise degree of  vaginal “looseness” matters about as much at the pointiness of your elbows. That is, not at all.

There are other queries about vaginas that I, alas, cannot help with:

hot babes stuffing chickpeas in their cunts
why do girls put sand in their vagina

But of course internet users are known to have a good deal of interest in vaginas overall. More unexpectedly, there is a similar degree of interest in, and confusion over, the lyrics to one famous 80s pop hit:

shes so fine she cant tell me where the money is
she’s so fine she can tell me where the money is

Of course the actual lyrics are:

She’s so fine, there’s no tellin’ where the money went

And they are, of course, from Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistable.”

But at least one person who knows the correct lyrics remains baffled by them:

what does she is so fine there’s no telling where the money went mean

I’m not quite sure why anyone would turn to Man Boobz for an answer to that question but allow me to set forth a hypothesis: The woman in question is so intoxicating, so “irresistable,” so “fine,” that the singer of the song has lost track of the amount of money that he has spent on her.

It’s not really a very feminist song, I guess, unless you interpret it as a sort of over-the-top sendup of old-fashioned dating mores.

Other queries are not so much real queries as observations. Did the people writing these think they were on Twitter?

i’ve met tyrese gibson and he’s not very tall

i find beta males attractive

I’m not quite sure what to make of the weird double negative here.

i don’t not believe these cosplay women really exist

This one kind of breaks my heart:

there has to be something about me that men dislike

Cheer up, girl! (Or not-girl, I don’t know.) You’re beautiful to us!

I only wish I knew the answers to the following two questions.

how did the amazing atheist become so popular

why would a man hate a women for no reason

But my favorite query of the whole bunch is this one:

photo of fat woman’s in pantaloons

Oh, I’ll do you one better, Mr “Photo of Fat Woman’s In Pantaloons.”

I give to you Photos — plural! — of Women Of Various Shapes and Sizes in Pantaloons. And even a few drawings to boot!

Exercise-in-Bloomers5538982_f5208A33FB94-155D-451F-6740A26E3E82E2A1bloomsteenscampers3b49127u600bloomers baseballlaverne on right in basketball bloomersline-of-bloomers

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Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

Auggziliary – Love the cat pic. I wish I knew how to do that.

Incidentally, I already knew of that cat pictures site, so I have a few sitting around. They’re quite boring though, compared to Bill Nye cat. *nod*

kittehserf
7 years ago

Has anyone noticed the shoes the instructor’s wearing in the first photo in the group? Damn, I wish I could wear shoes like that!

Also, pantaloons for the win, especially if they pissed off misogynists. Wear ’em with knee boots and you’re halfway to doing a pirate look.

serrana
serrana
7 years ago

Alice, here are the instructions to make a kitty avatar: http://manboobz.forummotion.com/t1086-kitty-avatar

If you ever forget how, the link to the instructions is in the Welcome Package post on cloudiah’s blog: http://artistryforfeminismandkittens.wordpress.com/the-official-man-boobz-complimentary-welcome-package/

Falconer
7 years ago

Dammit, everyone beat me to the condoms.

But one way that won’t work is Icy Hot.

And re: the radium girls — I heard that some workers who were painting radium on watch hands were asked/required to shape their brushes full of radium to a nice point by rolling them or squeezing them with their lips.

And then there’s the Girls With Yellow Hands, who worked in munitions factories in the UK during WWI and had a serious risk of getting blowed up. No telling what being up to your elbows in explosive filler long enough to stain your skin yellow will do in the long run.

leftwingfox
7 years ago

But one way that won’t work is Icy Hot.

BenGay is NOT a lubricant! D^8

titianblue
titianblue
7 years ago

he was mocking one of his neighbours for hanging their washing out on the line, as if that meant they were poor, as if that meant they were inferior.

Only an idiot would mock that. Wind-dried sheets smell & feel fantastic.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Damn, auggz beat me to the glow in the dark condoms (they do glow, but it’s, uh, a weird effect…a glowing penis is less sexy and more amusing than really works for the desired effect). Also, love the catvatar!

Pecunium…you got nothing? Really? Cuz I’d have thought that “hot babes stuffing chickpeas in their cunts” might mean you’d finally met a bean you didn’t like. But then again, I guess combining two good things could work…

And as for the glowing penis, I think the searcher meant to type grow, not glow.

Falconer — same deal but Civil War, and they did blow up — http://www.post-gazette.com/stories/life/lifestyle/allegheny-arsenal-explosion-pittsburghs-worst-day-during-the-civil-war-653526/

Used to walk by that park, and the memorial, fairly regularly. It’s weird seeing bunnies playing where nearly 80 people died like that.

Athywren
Athywren
7 years ago

And as for the glowing penis, I think the searcher meant to type grow, not glow.

Oh, it’s easy enough to make something grow… if you have the right tools.

freemage
freemage
7 years ago

Just a note: You don’t have to be ‘wasteful’ to use a dryer. Other reasons:

1: Weather. In some parts of the country, it’s a safe bet that it’s either too cold or too wet to dry outside a good portion of the time.
2: Time. If you’ve got two people in the house who both work and commute, the ability to throw the clothes in the dryer straight from the washer and hit start is a huge, huge thing.
3: Space. Apartment-dwellers (many of us not exactly high on the income scale) are often forbidden from using clotheslines, or unwilling to do so in common areas where the clothes could be taken/damaged.

Sure, if you’ve got the time, space and weather smiling on you, go for it. And the guy doing the mocking was obviously a grade-A asshat.

titianblue
titianblue
7 years ago

And

4. Your air quality may mean that anything hung outside ends up dirtier than before you washed it.

It can be a privilege to be able to use a washing line just as it can be a privilege to be able to use a dryer.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

“Lie flat to dry” WHERE?!?!

^ me for about 3 years until I discovered the sort of rack that goes over the tub (thankfully Pittsburgh is big on tubs, never actually saw a place with just a shower)

Yeah, I can sympathize with the use of a dryer, even if hanging clothing is more environmentally sound. Doesn’t mean it’s feasible!

…YouTube spat on Athywren’s link (the app, not your link, don’t worry!)…and now I’m all tears, there must be dust in here…

http://youtu.be/I061rbzOAG4

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

“4. Your air quality may mean that anything hung outside ends up dirtier than before you washer”

Pittsburgh’s older generation says that when they were young, hanging clothes out to dry meant rewashing them. So yeah, that point definitely applies.

Whereas laundry was generally under $3 for wash and dry. (Idk on your own machine, cuz apartments, but $3 is totally reasonable)

Athywren
Athywren
7 years ago

@freemage, in my defence, I did cover the weather and space issues:

Using a drier is just wasteful, unless it’s raining and you have no radiators…

I can see your points re: time and air quality though… I don’t think all dryer users are evil or anything, I just think it’s better not to use one if you have the options available to you.

Personally, I have one of those foldy clothes horses for when it’s raining outside which… well, I live in England so it’s ~900 times out of 10 that it’s raining.

cloudiah
7 years ago

Did anyone miss the time that manboobzers created the greatest movie franchise of all time? If so, I met some Golden Retrievers who would like to tell you about it.

kittehserf
7 years ago

The point with Arsehole Atheist is that his neighbours did have the option to dry their clothes on the line, and whether that meant the air quality was good enough, they had the weather and line space to air-dry them, or maybe even that they couldn’t afford a dryer, isn’t really important. It’s none of gobshite’s business and it just proves once again that he’s a fucking moron, among other things.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@caswell

After looking at those pics I think I can safely say there isn’t a woman alive (or deceased) who looks good in pantaloons.

Disagree! I think pantaloons look great on some of those ladies 😛 And I’m not normally a pantaloon person.

@alice and auggz

Nice kitty avatars, you two! :3

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

Does anyone know what sport some of those women are dressed for? The baseball players are obvious, but there’re a few where one of the women is holding a ball. Soccer? Basketball?

Also, wow, I never knew about the radium girls or the girls with yellow hands. That’s awful!

melody
melody
7 years ago

If I tried to dry my clothes indoors it would cause mold. And if I tried to dry them outside 1) they would get stolen 2) they would get wet.

Space is also an issue. I have a studio basement apartment in a rainy climate.

Off topic: Have any of you watched the show/documentary A Girls Guide to 21st Century Sex?
Just wondering if it is any good. I was thinking of watching it after I finish the documentaries I have on serial killers. I think they might give me nightmares….Since 3 of them were around were I live including: Ted Bundy. I just love documentaries. I just finished watching 8 canine related documentaries and have a list of 22 documentaries about different serial killers to get through now. But then I wanted to watch a girls guide to 21st century, but most of the reviews I’ve found focus a lot of the fact that it is very explicit and not on the content.

Jayem Griffin
7 years ago

@cloudiah: THE NOISES I JUST MADE! I would pay well over 5 cents to get my therapy from a golden retriever.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@jayem

I don’t know if I’ve seen you around here (I’ve been away a lot +bad with names, forgive me plz :P) but you have an adorable kitty avatar 😀

kittehserf
7 years ago

If I had to play sport (ugh ugh ugh) I’d rather do it in pantaloons than in the all-your-bits-hanging-out uniforms imposed on Olympic women’s teams, f’rinst.

Alice
Alice
7 years ago

@kitteh

I know. The volleyball and track uniforms are so skimpy. I would never feel comfortable showing that much skin. I guess I’m just shy.

Jayem Griffin
7 years ago

@Marie

Haha, thank you! And no worries- I’ve delurked before, but it was a while ago. Regular reader who pops into the comments at irregular intervals.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@kittehs

skirts? I don’t know what you’re talking about, I don’t watch much olympics 😛

baileyrenee
7 years ago

That homeless girl one bothers me quite a bit…

On a lighter note, does that third picture say “FUCK” at the top?

baileyrenee
7 years ago

And I also just noticed in the sixth drawing, in the bottom right corner… one of the things women can do in their pantaloons is attend funerals!

kittehserf
7 years ago

Just gone back to read the Pube Terror post, cloudiah, and am embarrassing myself chortling at my desk. Ah, that was a great post. Only thing Doggone the Boring has contributed to golden retriever human culture evah.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@jayem

Sweet, then I am probably not forgetting you 😛 You can still have a (very belated) welcome from me, though, if you want.

And here it is —–> (optional) Welcome 😀

kittehserf
7 years ago

Marie – skirts or shorts, our Olympic teams (I don’t watch sport either, but this sort of thing gets onto the news) for stuff like basketball are always loose and comfortable for the men, and skin tight, cut away and revealing for the women. It’s so blatantly sexist your eyes could roll out of their sockets.

baileyrenee – no, it’s Puck. I can’t recall if it’s the artist or the magazine, but I’ve seen it lots of times.

Robert
Robert
7 years ago

Kitteh- it’s the name of the magazine. Popular humor magazine of the late Victorian era, often satirized contemporary popular culture.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@kittehs

Meh :/ Agree on the sexism thing (obvs) but I’d still prefer those over pantaloons (which is on topic, right?) But I love short skirts, so it’s an easy choice for me. XD

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

^prefer for me. Not for everyone. Should’ve clarified.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

RE: David

LBT, I think all the sporty pantaloon gals holding balls are all basketball players.

Sweet, thanks!

RE: Alice

The volleyball and track uniforms are so skimpy.

Our dad and brother are actually really into playing sand volleyball, and uh, actually, a lot of people wear those uniforms because it’s really fucking hot outside. I saw plenty of guys wearing nothing but tight swimsuits while playing. Unless the Olympics have different requirements?

Robert
Robert
7 years ago

Cloudiah, thank you for the Pube Terror link. I had completely missed that. As a gay man who (TMI alert) has never shaved or trimmed anything south of my clavicle except for hernia surgery, I quite enjoyed it.

Alice
Alice
7 years ago

@LBT

I wasn’t trying to be judgmental. Sorry. I just meant that I would not feel comfortable showing that much of my body. But I have body image issues.

katz
7 years ago

jennydevildoll, alas, there are a LOT of dudes searching for info on how to have sex/pay for sex with “homeless girls.”

Ugh ugh ugh. Fucking hell. I remember the conversation we had about that and the guy was so adamant that he’s giving the homeless girl something so he deserves something in return and it’s obviously consensual because if she didn’t want to she could just reject his offer.

baileyrenee
7 years ago

@kittehserf

Ah, okay! Well it looks like fuck.

@katz

For fuck’s sake, that’s awful.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
7 years ago

I’m morbidly fascinated by “handjob in barbershop”.

Also, Darth Vader could use a little rouge to define his cheekbones and add color. Black drains the complexion.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Robert – thanks!

That Pube Terror was the most hilarious thread, I swear.

Marie, LBT – it’s the Olympic uniforms I’m talking about, where the teams don’t get to choose the designs, and for godknowshowlong here, the men’s have been designed to be loose and practical (baggy shorts and tops, not revealing) where the women’s are, as I said, skin-tight and basically tits-and-arse-for-the-male-gaze. I’m not bothered by what individual people like wearing to play sport; it’s the blatant sexism that comes up every fucking time the Olympics are on that pisses me off.

sparky
sparky
7 years ago

A bit late, but I’ve been googling radium girls (warning: has picture of a nasty tumur). T

*crosses fingers, hope link works*

kittehserf
7 years ago

Buttercup – it could get really nasty if it was Sweeney Todd’s place.

Fade
7 years ago

@kittehserf

and you’ve also got those people who whine about how “masculine” the female Olympic athletes are every time they come around. >:( Which normally goes double if they’re WOC.

sparky
sparky
7 years ago

Try again, then I’m giving up:

radium girls

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@kittehs

yeah, sorry, didn’t mean to sound like I was disagreeing on it being sexism, I was just trying to respond to your pantaloon preference, since I’ve got a preference for wearing short skirts. I hope I’m making sense ::crosses fingers::

kittehserf
7 years ago

Nah, that’s cool, Marie, I got what you meant. I didn’t think you were saying it wasn’t sexist. You always make more sense than you credit yourself for. 🙂

I haven’t worn shorts or short skirts out of the house for, gods, prolly thirty years.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
7 years ago

kitteh – exactly! I was also thinking of the barbershop in the Monty Python lumberjack sketch. It’s not a place I’d ever want to be naked.

The double standard for female athletes drives me nuts too. It’s not enough that they be talented, they also have to look hot while doing their thing, otherwise they’ll be subjected to a barrage of angry tweets by men who feel deprived of their right to have a boner while watching Wimbledon.

Meanwhile, let’s make male basketball players wear billowing culottes. That makes aerodynamic sense.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Sparky — just copy and paste the URL, functional trumps pretty.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

RE: Kittehs

Ugh, yeah, that’s not cool.

RE: katz

Any asshole who ofered me ‘assistance’ in exchange for sex would INFURIATE me. It’s like loan sharking, only skeezier and grosser.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Meanwhile, let’s make male basketball players wear billowing culottes. That makes aerodynamic sense.

Let’s go the whole hog and make ’em wear pantaloons!