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Man Boobz’ Least Satisfied Customers: A Terrible Search Term Extravaganza

This picture may make one Man Boobz reader very happy.
This picture may make one Man Boobz reader happy.

Sometimes I like to take a look through the search terms that people use to get to Man Boobz. Doing that recently it occurred to me just how disappointed many of these searchers must be when they arrive here and find no answers to their questions, nothing to slake their curiosity.

I thought I’d collect together some reccent search terms from the people you might call Man Boobz’ Least Satisfied Customers.

Warning: This list is extremely NSFW, as people are filthy perverts. And some of them are also terrible.

Let’s begin this catalogue of disappointments:

do men like cunningulus
how do i meet a man online and he pay me money for some pussy
bitches in literature
big buff black dudes
how to ask homless girl for blow job
why are women sneaky
how do you put the makeup on darth vader
discusting womens
short video of man suck women pussy without formalities
handjobs in barbershop
american woman shitting
how to make my penis glow

Sorry, folks. I’ve got nothing for any of you. Nothing at all.

Sometimes the queries have a certain poetry to them. This one sounds like a message from a dirty-minded Numbers Station. Just imagine it repeated five times in succession by a woman of indeterminate natonality with a clipped, clear, efficient voice:

glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch
glasses blowjob wristwatch

Others are windows into minds that really need curtains on them:

funny picture progressive insurance flo not insuranceing a dick

Certain obsessions return again and again. Apparently there are lot of people out there interested in, and even quite worried about, the relative looseness of vaginas:

signs of loose vagina
virgina is cold loose
what will make men think the vagina is loose
do 35 year old women have looser vaginas
do guys like somewhat loose pussies

That last one is kind of sad. And I think I can actually offer a tiny bit of help: Yes, Virgina, guys like somewhat loose pussies. That is, amongst the rather large subset of guys who do like vaginas, “somewhat loose” vaginas are just fine. Really, the precise degree of  vaginal “looseness” matters about as much at the pointiness of your elbows. That is, not at all.

There are other queries about vaginas that I, alas, cannot help with:

hot babes stuffing chickpeas in their cunts
why do girls put sand in their vagina

But of course internet users are known to have a good deal of interest in vaginas overall. More unexpectedly, there is a similar degree of interest in, and confusion over, the lyrics to one famous 80s pop hit:

shes so fine she cant tell me where the money is
she’s so fine she can tell me where the money is

Of course the actual lyrics are:

She’s so fine, there’s no tellin’ where the money went

And they are, of course, from Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistable.”

But at least one person who knows the correct lyrics remains baffled by them:

what does she is so fine there’s no telling where the money went mean

I’m not quite sure why anyone would turn to Man Boobz for an answer to that question but allow me to set forth a hypothesis: The woman in question is so intoxicating, so “irresistable,” so “fine,” that the singer of the song has lost track of the amount of money that he has spent on her.

It’s not really a very feminist song, I guess, unless you interpret it as a sort of over-the-top sendup of old-fashioned dating mores.

Other queries are not so much real queries as observations. Did the people writing these think they were on Twitter?

i’ve met tyrese gibson and he’s not very tall

i find beta males attractive

I’m not quite sure what to make of the weird double negative here.

i don’t not believe these cosplay women really exist

This one kind of breaks my heart:

there has to be something about me that men dislike

Cheer up, girl! (Or not-girl, I don’t know.) You’re beautiful to us!

I only wish I knew the answers to the following two questions.

how did the amazing atheist become so popular

why would a man hate a women for no reason

But my favorite query of the whole bunch is this one:

photo of fat woman’s in pantaloons

Oh, I’ll do you one better, Mr “Photo of Fat Woman’s In Pantaloons.”

I give to you Photos — plural! — of Women Of Various Shapes and Sizes in Pantaloons. And even a few drawings to boot!

Exercise-in-Bloomers5538982_f5208A33FB94-155D-451F-6740A26E3E82E2A1bloomsteenscampers3b49127u600bloomers baseballlaverne on right in basketball bloomersline-of-bloomers

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pecunium
7 years ago

Those are some lovely pantaloons. The rest, I pretty much got nothing,

leftwingfox
7 years ago

discusting

This is the perfect neologism for the MRM subreddits. Discustions. If you’re having a conversation where you are trying to out-bigot, out-gross, or out-awful each other, you’re having a discustion.

leftwingfox
7 years ago

I also have a sudden desire for pantaloons of my own. Associations with MC Hammer are probably out of public memory by now. Always thought japanese hakama were awesome.

armondikov
7 years ago

I will never understand the internet…

Chie Satonaka
Chie Satonaka
7 years ago

“how to make my penis glow”

Um.

Hyena Girl
7 years ago

Radium condoms

La Strega
7 years ago

I cannot really help the person who wondered “why do women put sand in their vaginas,” but I will share, having just returned from two weeks of body surfing in Florida, that sometimes “sand happens.”

Robert
Robert
7 years ago

Period pantaloons and number stations – what a great start to the first Monday of Autumn. I’m imagining steampunk number station enthusiasts trading wax cylinder recordings of their favorite transmissions like audiophile trainspotters.

While wearing pantaloons, OF COURSE.

Z
Z
7 years ago

Dunno about radium condoms, but once upon a time, radium was added to a lot of stuff for supposedly health-enhancing reasons:
https://www.orau.org/ptp/collection/quackcures/quackcures.htm

My favourite product on that page is probably the Radiendoctrinator. Males Scrotum-havers were supposed to wear it under the scrotum, “as it should be”.

Z
Z
7 years ago

Oh, crap, “males” was supposed to be stricken out.

Athywren
Athywren
7 years ago

Well…. I guess I’m not having chickpeas for dinner tonight.
I have to admit, though, I’m a little concerned about these new woman’s and their bicycles – this suffragism is getting out of hand, I say! Out of hand!

gillyrosebee
7 years ago

Okay, so now I know what to do for a Halloween costume, I just have to make sure I can find two other women to carry me in a basket.

Athywren
Athywren
7 years ago

The history of radium makes me sad. They used to make the glowing pieces of watches using radium paint… there were some women who did the painting who painted their teeth with radium to amuse themselves and their friends with their glowing teeth. Awesome! At least until their teeth fell out… and they died of cancer. These days you’re not allowed to paint your teeth with radioactive materials. Health and safety gone mad, is what that is!

gillyrosebee
7 years ago

As far as

“how to make my penis glow”

Wasn’t there a movie once where two guys (one who was having an affair with the other guy’s wife, I seem to recall) were chasing each other around a dark bedroom while both of them were wearing glow in the dark condoms? Or have I given all of you a window into the dank, spidery recesses of my own mental basement?

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

I’m guessing you are talking about the 1989 movie Skin Deep starring John Ritter.

(I have not seen nor remember this movie. My librarian brain just had to find out what you were referring to).

frilledshark
7 years ago

Ch-chickpeas? In vaginas?

Hyena Girl
7 years ago

Skin Deep, the “cockfighting” scene.

Shadow
Shadow
7 years ago

I think I might have attracted the tyrese gibson peeps. I feel useful 😀

gillyrosebee
7 years ago

@grumpycatisagirl In my defense, there was the year that I got mono, and the only thing I could manage in a morning (for about two months) was staggering out to the living room couch, where I would read whatever was in the house currently, and when I ran out of books (because I am a lightning fast reader for fiction), I would turn on the tv, curl up and watch whatever happened to be on. Of course, I also tended to snooze in and out, so it all blends together into this weird mishmash of glow in the dark condoms and cartoons and Gary Coleman living in a train station locker…

Tulgey Logger
Tulgey Logger
7 years ago

I also don’t not believe these cosplay women really exist. For the record.

And how DID the Amazing Atheist get so popular? My expression is befuddlement and worry.

freemage
freemage
7 years ago

Chie Satonaka | September 23, 2013 at 10:38 am

“how to make my penis glow”

Um.

Chie: That one got me, too. Especially when my treacherous, evil subconscious, which exists solely to make me suffer, conflated that with my memory of those glow-in-the-dark kittens:
comment image?w=490

carswell
carswell
7 years ago

After looking at those pics I think I can safely say there isn’t a woman alive (or deceased) who looks good in pantaloons.

Wasn’t there a movie once where two guys (one who was having an affair with the other guy’s wife, I seem to recall) were chasing each other around a dark bedroom while both of them were wearing glow in the dark condoms? Or have I given all of you a window into the dank, spidery recesses of my own mental basement?

I seem to vaguely remember seeing something like that in a trailer. I surely didn’t see the movie.

urdlungaTorbjörn Nylander

Ha ha Is the first examples some kind of pretentious MRA-poetryslam 😀

moldybrehd
7 years ago

Personally, my favourite is:

“how do you put the makeup on darth vader”

Do they mean on the breathing mask? under the breathing mask? And to either question, why?????

moldybrehd
7 years ago

Re: Skin Deep

I will admit it – I totally watched that movie. I think I was… sixteen. At sixteen, it was hilarious.

Chie Satonaka
Chie Satonaka
7 years ago

Never heard of the movie Skin Deep! Now I can’t stop picturing glowing penises flopping around while two guys fight in the dark.

leftwingfox
7 years ago

I always wanted my own lightsaber…

cloudiah
7 years ago

These days you’re not allowed to paint your teeth with radioactive materials.

Damn feminist big daddy guvmint nanny state.

cloudiah
7 years ago

And this was my favorite:

short video of man suck women pussy without formalities

I don’t want to see any hand-shaking, or “Nice weather we’re having” first.

totient
totient
7 years ago

It puts the makeup on Darth Vader or else it gets the hose again!

Chie Satonaka
Chie Satonaka
7 years ago

I always wanted my own lightsaber…

That’s too funny — I just had the thought that the person who envisioned that scene must have gotten inspired by a lightsaber duel.

serrana
serrana
7 years ago

I would actually like to read about bitches in literature.

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

Poor John Ritter. RIP.

serrana
serrana
7 years ago

I can’t help but think that the Darth Vader thing was someone trying to come up with a Halloween costume. Now I’m scared that the glowing penis search was also a Halloween costume idea.

bekabot
7 years ago

how to make my penis glow

Shine a flashlight through it?

jennydevildoll
7 years ago

“how to ask a homeless girl for a blowjob” has refreshed my hatred of the trustafarian/yuppie/gentrifiers that infest this city. Not that it really needed refreshing.

Biot
Biot
7 years ago


“And I see that your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let’s see how well you handle it.”

Maude LL
Maude LL
7 years ago

Seriously though:

*How* did the amazing atheist become so popular? And not “wow, this guy is such a delusional moron un-self-aware of his flat jokes” popular, but “wow, I like this guy, he’s so edgy with his 19th century views” popular.

It’s a real mystery. Maybe God is trying to get me to believe in him (uh… hir? I’m confused) through this guy?

katz
7 years ago

The history of radium makes me sad. They used to make the glowing pieces of watches using radium paint… there were some women who did the painting who painted their teeth with radium to amuse themselves and their friends with their glowing teeth. Awesome! At least until their teeth fell out… and they died of cancer. These days you’re not allowed to paint your teeth with radioactive materials. Health and safety gone mad, is what that is!

It was sad, but also a watershed industrial health and safety case. We owe the radium girls a lot.

Howard Bannister
7 years ago

do men like cunningulus
how do i meet a man online and he pay me money for some pussy
bitches in literature
big buff black dudes
how to ask homless girl for blow job
why are women sneaky
how do you put the makeup on darth vader
discusting womens
short video of man suck women pussy without formalities
handjobs in barbershop
american woman shitting
how to make my penis glow

One or two of these seem relevant. I mean, american woman shitting? Christopher in Oregon, is that you?

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

This is just as disturbing as I thought it would be. Thanks!

dustydeste
dustydeste
7 years ago

After looking at those pics I think I can safely say there isn’t a woman alive (or deceased) who looks good in pantaloons.

I’mma have to register a huge disagreement over here; some of those women were lookin’ fine!

On a related note, I also now have a large desire for some pantaloons of my own. Or possibly for Dr. Husbutt. Matching set, yes/yes?

sparky
sparky
7 years ago

dustydeste: I second that! I’m looking at those pictures and thinking, there really should be a revival of pantaloons. The illustration of the “New woman” is positively dashing! I want that outfit!

jennydevildoll: Yes, I read that and threw up in my mouth a little bit.

katz
7 years ago

On a related note, I also now have a large desire for some pantaloons of my own. Or possibly for Dr. Husbutt. Matching set, yes/yes?

Will they be crotchless?

Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

“How to make my penis glow?”

I’m sorry, like seriously, wait, whut?

Athywren
Athywren
7 years ago

And how DID the Amazing Atheist get so popular? My expression is befuddlement and worry.

By being one of the first youtube atheists… and then by being a raging arsehole, ranting about how women girls females have cooties after driving off or boring [what I hope is] the majority of his original viewership. For the record, he lost me when he was mocking one of his neighbours for hanging their washing out on the line, as if that meant they were poor, as if that meant they were inferior. It’s called eco-friendliness, ya dickweasel. Using a drier is just wasteful, unless it’s raining and you have no radiators….. anyway.

It was sad, but also a watershed industrial health and safety case. We owe the radium girls a lot.

This is true…. unfortunately, the truth of it, though good, only makes my marxist heart beat more furiously. Why was there ever the need for that watershed? Why were workers lives valued so poorly? Humans are not resources, you fuckers!…. anyway.

katz
7 years ago

Yes, you did it successfully, it just takes time for you to see it because of your browser cookies.

Athywren
Athywren
7 years ago

@auggzillary, tie dye background with Lennon-style circular glasses? If yes, it’s changed for me… you might need to clear your cache to see it change.

freemage
freemage
7 years ago

Auggziliary: That is a truly awesome cat-pic.

dustydeste
dustydeste
7 years ago

Will they be crotchless?

Nah, they’d be outerwear, so, y’know, personally I think we’d rather not just hang our collective junk all out there. But that’s just us.

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