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kitties off topic open thread

Open Thread for Personal Stuff: September edition

Hugs if you want them.
Hugs if you want them.

This is a continuation from here.  A thread to discuss personal issues and provide support for one another. No trolls, no arguments.

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Alice Sanguinaria
Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

I keep thinking it’s because deep down underneath their hatred, they know that we’re right. But they don’t want to admit it, so instead they want to shut us down so that they won’t ever have to come face to face with themselves.

Alice Sanguinaria
Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

One of my friends just posted on how someone street harassed her into giving a creepy guy her number even though she made it clear that she was a minor and that she had a boyfriend and that she wanted him to leave her alone. He then proceeded to calling and texting said number, even though she (and her boyfriend) made it clear that she didn’t want to be contacted by this creepy guy at all.

🙁

What the hell people?

cloudiah
7 years ago

I’m not sure what the appropriate thing to do is about this. This is obviously just going to be their standard procedure forever.

I actually think just pointing out how fucked up it is, over and over, is useful. Anything that helps to un-normalize it. I know it seems Sisyphean, but it’s one of the many reasons I so appreciate your attention to this stuff. Other people tune out, but you keep covering it.

I feel like I should send you a cake or something. 🙂

Alice Sanguinaria
Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

cloudiah – We should make misandry cupcakes. Decorate them with hard chairs, female penguins, and scented candles. *nod*

And don’t forget the kitties!

cloudiah
7 years ago

We should send him cupcakes. David, we’re officially decorating misandry cupcakes with cat hair and sending them to your domicile. (That is, addressed to David Futrelle, c/o Chicago)

What? This isn’t welcome? Harumph. No sense of humor.

Okay, ‘night all — I”m going to bed earlier than usual to see if I can get into work early enough to catch a visit from the cat the katz fostered and my co-worker adopted! I’ll try to post pictures for katz to see how well she’s doing! She’s an actual cat now, not a kitten!

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Aww, kitty pics! Get thee to bed, we want pics!

katz
7 years ago

Pics of Shana? Yay!

NonServiam
NonServiam
7 years ago

@Marie

I’m down for bonding over how depression feels! Do you ever get that thing where, when you’re coming out of a rough patch, one feeling triggers several others that seem like they shouldn’t be connected? I swear, last time I was recovering, I had this thing where something would make me laugh and that triggered needing to pee.

@Fade

I know some other people who get that too. Depression does so many different things to different people. I think we’ve all been at the gratuitous crying stage though. For me, all the tears come on better days – which sometimes confuses the people around me!

@Tristan

I’m so sorry for everything you’re putting up with. I have no advice, only support and sympathy.

Alice Sanguinaria
Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

cloudiah – Have a good rest! And KITTEHS! 😀

Ally S
7 years ago

[Content note: death, suicidal thoughts]

I hope this doesn’t sound too alarming (although to some it probably will anyway), but my suicidal mindset is back. I feel so weak and overwhelmed these days that it’s easy for me to have suicidal thoughts. I’ve had suicidal thoughts before, but this is the worst they’ve ever been.

I’m thinking about calling some kind of suicide hotline, since I have a lot of hotline numbers, but I’m hesitant because I’m thinking that my problem isn’t severe enough for me to call a suicide hotline. Yet at the same time, I really need some kind of help. I can wait until I go to UCSC, whose student health services include free counseling, but I also don’t want to wait too long, either.

Right now I feel sick to my stomach. I’m honestly scared by all of these harmful thoughts. If anyone can offer some advice on when to call a suicide hotline, I’d greatly appreciate it – although if I have to I guess I can just try to call a hotline and hope that it won’t be a bad experience.

Ally S
7 years ago

I want to add that I’m not feeling suicidal right now, and I think I’ll feel a bit better after I get some sleep – I’m just talking about the times I do feel suicidal, which are happening more and more frequently as time goes on.

katz
7 years ago

🙁 Aww, Ally. Of course you should call the hotline if you feel like it would help you.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Note: I am the last person you want to ask, seeing how I refuse to call them, but…

“I’m thinking that my problem isn’t severe enough for me to call a suicide hotline”

That is your jerkbrain talking, and it’s full of shit. Also, *hugs*

Fibinachi
Fibinachi
7 years ago

There’s a great flowchart for this.

1) Am I having suicidal ideation?

If so, then yes, 2) my problems are “severe enough” to call a hotline.

Go right ahead.

Alice Sanguinaria
Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

*hugs Ally* You can call a suicide hotline whenever you want. No one’s going to judge you if you call when you’re sitting in your dorm room at 10 PM with suicidal thoughts.

I’d also recommend going to Student Health Services when you get back onto campus, so that they can do some blood tests and rule out physiological conditions like hypothyroidism (which is what happened to me). And of course, take advantage of CAPS, they’re here to help you (plus if you need it, they can write a referral to allow you to get long term care, since I know in UCSD, the number of visits to CAPS is limited to I think 20 visits in two years).

[TW]: depression, self harm, suicidal thoughts
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Last summer I ended up sitting in my room all day, spending my time on the computer, taking a lot of naps, isolating myself and refusing to go anywhere, and just being utterly depressed. I pretty much figured that I was depressed by July, and was waiting for school to start so that I could make a CAPS appointment.

In the meanwhile I was wondering whether my life was worth it. In the meanwhile, I had serious problems, from financial aid to class registration failure to screwing up and having a hold on everything until I took a TB test. Parents yelled at me, but I didn’t really care. I hated myself, constantly punished myself by scratching my arms red (so that there would be no scars), and otherwise wishing I was dead because I thought I was the most worthless and the most useless person on Earth.

(Incidentally, I wrote a poem expressing this perfectly once, but okay, moving on.)

Got onto campus, when I had a panic attack first day of class, when I found out that I didn’t have insurance for some reason. It was related to class registration failure, because I ended up being waitlisted for all of my classes. This meant I had no financial aid, because I didn’t have the right amount of units to access it. That problem was soon rectified, but that was terrible. I thought that I would have been kicked out of my dorm room and everything.

I destroyed my phone by accident. The Pacific Ocean killed my phone battery, because it was in my pocket and I forgot it was there. My parents were not pleased.

In the meanwhile, I made an appointment for CAPS, but it wasn’t for another two weeks.

One night, my roommate was out for the evening (I don’t remember why, I think she was in the library or something) and I was sitting in my room feeling sucky. And that night, I thought “fuck it, why don’t I just do it?”, and so I ran out of my dorm room, intending to walk to the cliffs in the night and jump off.

It was a cold night. I started to leave the campus, but then I forced myself to walk around campus instead. After a walk around the campus, I went back to my dorm room, and called the suicide hotline on Skype (again, no phone). The person on the other end was nice.

Started seeing the psychiatrist over at UCSD. During this time, I began to research various methods that were used to commit suicide — Tylenol poisoning, aspirin poisoning, carbon monoxide poisoning, hanging…

One day, I was walking around campus, utterly depressed. The night before I was tempted to commit suicide again, this time with a rope that somehow made its way inside my bag when I moved in. My plan was to hang myself in the wardrobe with the door shut, and I didn’t care whether my roommate would find my body or not, I just wanted to die. I even thought of a day and everything; I remember thinking that I would die on Wednesday. Walking around campus, I could look at the railings on the upper floors of the lecture halls and imagine myself jumping off the railings and falling down to the floor with a splat. I was convinced that no one would ever give a shit, so why bother?

That day I told the psychiatrist what I was thinking. I don’t know why, but I was tempted to say something. Maybe it was because I wanted attention, I don’t know.

In either case, they found out that I had been diagnosed with hypothyroidism, had no meds, and sent me to do blood tests. It turned out to be pretty bad, with a really high TSH count.

Then they put me on levothyroxine to treat the hypothyroidism.

Eventually I started to feel better. I now have a therapist (which reminds me, I need to make an appointment for October) who is going to help me in the long term, and I haven’t thought suicidal thoughts for a long while.
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I think the only reason I said this now was because I want to let you know that I understand and that I care? I don’t know.

But there’s no shame in asking for help. It’s only the first step towards recovery.

*gives moar hugs because depression suicidal thoughts suck balls*

kittehserf
7 years ago

Alice and Ally – all the hugs.

Nthing the words, Ally: call a hotline! That’s what they’re there for.

NonServiam
NonServiam
7 years ago

@Ally

I’m so sorry you’re going through that. You never have to second guess yourself on asking for help. I hope sleep helps anyway. All the love going your way.

mildlymagnificent
7 years ago

Heh, I remember her going into the hospital, telling the nurse her pain was “about an eight out of ten”, and I had to pull the nurse aside and explain that her 8 was probably most people’s twelve.

Ha! Having chronic pain really fucks with your assessment of pain. I had a couple of episodes of excruciating pain a few years ago. Spasms so bad I couldn’t move – and when I forced myself to move to go to the loo, I threw up. Nursedaughter made a surprise return from London visit because of this.

Of course, she asked all the standard nurse type questions including the “number” question. I thought it was probably an 8. Then she put it all together and suggested (if shouting can be described as suggesting) that if pain is bad enough to make you throw up then 10 is the only option.

My own suspicion is that the number scale is really only useful for people whose normal day in day out pain rating would be 2 or less. Most of us “judge” by comparing to our usual condition. Anyone who constantly juggles 4, 5 and 6 levels can’t make a sensible judgment on that scale. If that usual condition is one that most people are unfamiliar with, we’ll give a misleading response to that standardised scale.

cloudiah
7 years ago

I’ve replenished the big barrel o’ hugs, and anyone who needs one should just feel free — or if you have extras, you can drop them in there. All kinds of hugs: reserved Scandihoovian hugs, big bear hugs, non-contact air hugs, even some arm squeezes in there too.

And Ally, please do call the hotline. Even if you’re not currently feeling suicidal, if you think those thoughts will come back call and ask what to do when they do. (Which might be just, “Call the hotline!”)

Falconer
7 years ago

Alice, Ally, anybody else — I’ve never had suicidal thoughts, but I want to say that you are not alone, you don’t have to do life by yourself*, and I’m sending you nice warm Internet blankets.

Also baby. I’ve got more photos but they’re not uploading at the moment. ??

Fade
7 years ago

I’m thinking about calling some kind of suicide hotline, since I have a lot of hotline numbers, but I’m hesitant because I’m thinking that my problem isn’t severe enough for me to call a suicide hotline

i can’t give much advice about suicide, but I don’t think that the hotline people would tell you that your problem isn’t severe enough. There are lots of people who feel suicidal, most of them probably depressed, and depression doesn’t only strike people in awful situations. (not that I’m saying your situation isn’t shitty; I’m saying someone can have a supportive, financially well off family and STILL wind up suicidal because of depression)

okay, actually I just remembered what I did when I was feeling suicidal. Normally it’s watch something completely distracting, like a movie or tv show. That is how I deal with lots of my stress, if anyone’s been keeping track. ;). I’ve also gone on walks when it was because of my feeling not-in-control of my life (I was living w/ my parents because I was young) and going on walks let me choose what I was doing, at least it seemed like.

@Alice Sanguinaria

Last summer I ended up sitting in my room all day, spending my time on the computer, taking a lot of naps, isolating myself and refusing to go anywhere, and just being utterly depressed. I pretty much figured that I was depressed by July, and was waiting for school to start so that I could make a CAPS appointment.

I just wanted to say, that is like almost exactly how my depression manifested it’self for the longest time. I thought I was just lazy.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@nonserviam

Do you ever get that thing where, when you’re coming out of a rough patch, one feeling triggers several others that seem like they shouldn’t be connected? I swear, last time I was recovering, I had this thing where something would make me laugh and that triggered needing to pee.

Nothing like that (luckily?) I do tend to get mood swings of extreme normal emotion (happy, excite, w/e) and then back down to mellow/ sad/ apathy when my meds are working.

@Ally S

All the internet hugs you want 🙁 I’ve never called a hotline, but I would assume there’s nothing wrong with calling one.

@Alice

But there’s no shame in asking for help. It’s only the first step towards recovery.

Yes.^ Also, jedi hugs for you, too, alice, if you want them.

SittieKitty
7 years ago

“I’m thinking that my problem isn’t severe enough for me to call a suicide hotline”

That is your jerkbrain talking, and it’s full of shit. Also, *hugs*

So much this. Internet hugs to all who want/need them.comment image

mildlymagnificent
7 years ago

For those of you who ever wonder about whether calling a support service is “worth it”, a friend of mine was a supervisor of a Lifeline group. Her advice would be to call. They’d much rather talk someone through their feelings half a dozen times than need to call out emergency services once for someone who’s left it until the very last.

(I might add if she’s typical of the service they’re truly admirable. She’s never told me a single word, hint or inference of anything she’s ever heard from or about callers, just a bit of indirect discussion about organising volunteers – once. She hardly mentions it at all.)

pecunium
7 years ago

The vulva brander has been arrested, and the search warrant on that arrest led to subsequent rearrest for a charge of bestiality.

pecunium
7 years ago

In the “small world” dept. A friend was in the news because she was visiting Colorado and was evacuated by the National Guard. Nothing horrid (town was cut off), but they snapped her photo leaving the chopper.

Howard Bannister
7 years ago

One of the strangest feelings in the world is being at your most depressed when your life is actually at its best.

And it really underlines that depression isn’t caused by bad circumstances, or by bad things happening. It’s something going on in your brain area completely unrelated to the rest of the crap in your life.

I’ve been there. Everything was right, and I felt like I just couldn’t be happy about the things that should have made me happy.

I got through it mostly on my own, and afterwards I wished I’d told somebody, anybody, what was going on. When you can see it clearly, it’s completely different. With the fog of depression lifted, it all seems cut and dry.

Ally S
7 years ago

[Content note: suicide]

Thanks everyone. I don’t know what I’d do if it weren’t for all of your support – I’m serious. I can see how it would make sense to call even when I’m not literally saying to myself that I want to end my life.

I guess another fear I have is that I won’t be understood – at least not easily. Now, I’m not saying that it’s impossible for anyone to understand my current situation or that I’m some kind of special snowflake, but it’s still complicated. I mean, there are a lot of things that make me feel suicidal when I think about them, and they’re connected in all sorts of ways.

I’m worried about taking too long to explain all of the various things that are making me feel miserable, especially since on the phone I can sometimes have a cold, analytic manner of speech that might make me sound like I’m not suffering from any kind of mental problem. What would be even worse is if the person on the other end thinks I’m trying to put myself on a pedestal and make myself sound like The Most Unfortunate Person Ever. As if I think I’m the only person in the world who has problems. Some people have told me that I’m a good communicator, but I don’t really believe that.

I’m sorry if I’m sounding totally ridiculous about my fears. Many people probably don’t obsess over the same things I do. I’m just worried – that’s all.

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

I just want to let you know that I’ve called a hotline in a similar frame of mind. I had suicidal thoughts but I knew I wasn’t going actually going to go through with anything. I told the person who answered my call that. They still stayed on the phone and listened to me and helped me. And it really did help me get through that night, and was a step out of that severe stage of my depression.

You can call them any time. It’s okay.

cloudiah
7 years ago

Ally, your fears are not ridiculous. They’re just fears. And you can tell the person on the hotline about them upfront!

And here’s a fur-baby (this is Shana, one of the kittens that katz rescued, now 7 months old and posing with her new servant).

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

Ah, Shana has such pretty, healthy fur and eyes!

cloudiah
7 years ago

Shana is very sweet, and she wants Ally to feel comfortable about calling the hotline. As a rescue kitty, she knows everyone needs help some time.

thebionicmommy
thebionicmommy
7 years ago

I’m worried about taking too long to explain all of the various things that are making me feel miserable, especially since on the phone I can sometimes have a cold, analytic manner of speech that might make me sound like I’m not suffering from any kind of mental problem. What would be even worse is if the person on the other end thinks I’m trying to put myself on a pedestal and make myself sound like The Most Unfortunate Person Ever. As if I think I’m the only person in the world who has problems. Some people have told me that I’m a good communicator, but I don’t really believe that.

Ally, you have a great way of articulating some really complex things here, and that’s quite a gift. I completely understand what you’re saying here, because I am oftentimes the same way. It’s like if you act stoic, then people might assume you are cold, but if you express your feelings and fears more completely, then they’ll think you’re “too emotional”. My way is usually by making light of everything, but that can be misinterpreted as being insensitive.

And never feel guilt about sounding like the “most unfortunate person ever”. I like how Howard Bannister describe this kind of thought as “jerk brain”. I like that, because it’s so true. Anytime jerk brain acts up, try to imagine if someone else was telling you the things you want to say. Would you ever tell them to “stop whining” or call them a “special snowflake”? No way, you would give them love and support. But it’s hard to apply that same standard to ourselves, isn’t it? It’s hard to show our own selves the same love and patience we show others, because we’re afraid that’s selfish. But it’s not, caring about ourselves is a selfless act, really, because it allows us to be well and be there for others, too.

And always, if you have the slightest inkling to call the hotline, do call the hotline. That’s what they are there for. I’ve called numbers just to talk out some worries, and they’d rather someone call early rather than in a crisis.

And these are jerkbrain thoughts to fight.

1. I am a burden if I “bother” people with my problems.
2. Other people have it worse, so I’m not allowed to hurt.
3. People get annoyed when I ask for help.

When these thoughts come up, tell them Kendra says to stop, take those thoughts, throw them in the trash, and talk to yourself the same way you’d talk to a loved one.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@Ally

What would be even worse is if the person on the other end thinks I’m trying to put myself on a pedestal and make myself sound like The Most Unfortunate Person Ever.

I don’t think they’ll think you sound like that. They’re there to help.

katz
7 years ago

Anytime jerk brain acts up, try to imagine if someone else was telling you the things you want to say. Would you ever tell them to “stop whining” or call them a “special snowflake”? No way, you would give them love and support. But it’s hard to apply that same standard to ourselves, isn’t it? It’s hard to show our own selves the same love and patience we show others, because we’re afraid that’s selfish. But it’s not, caring about ourselves is a selfless act, really, because it allows us to be well and be there for others, too.

^This.

katz
7 years ago

And EEEESHANA! Last time I saw her she looked like this!

thebionicmommy
thebionicmommy
7 years ago

And I hate to mention this, but I kind of want some advice, too, so here goes. My mom found out she has end stage renal disease and her nephrologist scheduled her to start dialysis. She will also assign mom with a social worker, because dad is in bad health himself due to a major stroke he had when he was in his 40’s. I’m going to beg them to move to Joplin, so it’d be easier for me to help them but who knows if they will. (they are stubborn and say they’d rather be in a nursing home than ask for their kids to take care of them)

At this time, we don’t yet know if mom is a candidate for a kidney transplant, due to her health problems and due to her being in her 60’s. On the list for cadaver organs, children and young people come first, due to them having their entire lives ahead of them. All of us are completely in favor of that rule, too. Mom would never accept an organ at the expense of a teenager.

However, people that know someone in need of a kidney are allowed to be living donors. The doctors take one kidney from a young, healthy person and put it into the body of a sick, elderly person. I am totally in favor of giving her my kidney, but my mom and husband are against it. They both say it’s not worth risking my life, because it’s immoral to take such a gamble when our children are still young and need a mom. I understand that completely, but I also think it’s immoral to have two kidneys at my own mother’s funeral. She has always been there for me growing up, and I want to help her now. But she says this is the natural way for people to get old and die, and young people have to keep on their own lives.

It would be a challenge to convince my mom to use my kidney, and it’s not legal or ethical to force her to take it. And at this point, I don’t know if a doctor would agree to do the surgery, or even if I’d be a match on blood and tissue types. We do know Medicare covers transplants, but that I would lose my own insurance due to having one kidney after. And because I have kidney scarring from a past case of pyelonephritis, I’m unsure if I’d pass the urinary exam. But if I was a viable candidate, I think it’s the right thing, but noone else does.

I know I’m rambling. But I at least feel better letting it out to people not in the family, and not involved.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@thebionicmommy

That sucks 🙁 hugs for you and your mom if wanted. Sadly I don’t have any advice though 🙁

Fade
7 years ago

@bionicmommy

I mean, it does make sense to offer it to her, though it sounds like she really doesn’t want it for some reason. Maybe you could see if you can get the tests done to see if you’d be a viable match and donor? that way if you aren’t, it stops being an issue (though then you’ve got the problem of no good kidneys for her) and if you are, you can tell her you’d be happy to do it if she changes her mind? Idk.

Though I should point out that I don’t know how dangerous kidney donations are. You saying your mom and husband are against it b/c they think it’d be risking your life makes me thing either it’s dangerous or they think it is? Or are they just being overtly cautious.

Also, some people have a hard time accepting something from a family member. Like, my sister gave me huge amounts of money for a wheelchair, and I had to keep rechecking as in “you’re SURE you want to do this?” because of how much of a sacrifice it was. With something as huge as an organ, that feeling might be amped up to extreme.

So, um TL;DR I don’t have any good advice. I agree it makes sense to offer her your kidney from what I read, but I don’t really know much about kidney donation and how easy it is to live with only one, either.

Falconer
7 years ago

Shana’s just cute no matter how big she is.

Falconer
7 years ago

I think all you can do is offer, bionicmommy.

You’ve offered, and your mom has turned you down. I think it wouldn’t be ethical to keep offering, but then I’m not in your position.

Ally S
7 years ago

I know at least three people – my dad, my brother, and my step-dad – who get very impatient and annoyed when I try explaining things to them. They usually think I’m either too defensive or too verbose. That’s also why I’m worried about taking too long to explain everything.

Anytime jerk brain acts up, try to imagine if someone else was telling you the things you want to say. Would you ever tell them to “stop whining” or call them a “special snowflake”? No way, you would give them love and support. But it’s hard to apply that same standard to ourselves, isn’t it? It’s hard to show our own selves the same love and patience we show others, because we’re afraid that’s selfish. But it’s not, caring about ourselves is a selfless act, really, because it allows us to be well and be there for others, too.

I think this is a great suggestion, but I’m worried about falling into a self-pitying mindset. I know there’s a difference between being nice to myself and having self-pity, but it seems like a blurry line to me. Nevertheless, I’ve followed this suggestion to some degree. For instance, whenever I start crying, I always tell myself that it’s okay to cry and that it’s okay if some people see me do so.

Anyway, I really appreciate talking to all of you about this – I feel much better. Now I’m leaning towards calling the hotline. I just need to find a time and place to do so.

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

Because of the Edmonton thing mentioned on this thread, I ventured over to A Voice for Men. I see they have re-hauled the layout of their site, and their tagline is now “Humanist Counter-Theory in the Age of Misandry” rather than “Masculist Theory in the Age of Misandry.” Um. Hmmm.

thebionicmommy
thebionicmommy
7 years ago

So, um TL;DR I don’t have any good advice. I agree it makes sense to offer her your kidney from what I read, but I don’t really know much about kidney donation and how easy it is to live with only one, either.

I have no idea either. I’m not a doctor. It’s hard to find information I trust online because it’s either biased from money of the transplant industry or the other way from the dialysis industry. Major hospitals like the mayo clinic and groups like the Kidney Foundation and UNOS all deal organs for a living, so they describe it as no big deal, like getting a haircut. But other groups, like living donor survivor groups say it is very risky and people that survive it end up sick, financially ruined, and at a moderate stage of kidney failure themselves.

I guess the best I can do to try to save her life is to wait and see if they start letting people test as viable donors, and then get tested. If I pass the test, I’ll make one final offer and let her come to me at any time to accept. I think I’m strong enough to do the surgery, but I need to be even stronger and learn to say goodbye to mom, too, if she makes that choice.

Of course I am not telling the kids about any of this, because I don’t want them to worry. They are little and need to focus on playing and fun, not dialysis, hospitals, and living wills. But if the time came to do the surgery, I would probably back out if my kids asked me to. The idea of scaring them is also unthinkable.

@Ally,

I think this is a great suggestion, but I’m worried about falling into a self-pitying mindset. I know there’s a difference between being nice to myself and having self-pity, but it seems like a blurry line to me.

I know what you mean. Once again, you are being harder on yourself than others. Would you accuse someone else in pain of having a “pity party”? Of course not, so don’t let the jerk brain say that to you either.

I’m glad you are going to call the hotline. Even if the other person on the other side of the call doesn’t have magic words to make your hurt disappear, it’s still reassuring to hear a friendly, supportive voice. I’m rooting for you, and I think you’re very brave. Sometimes I get nervous about calling something mundane like the dentists office, so I know that calling the hotline is very hard. But once you do, you’ll be glad you did.

And I’m also glad you came here. It’s better to get it off your chest, and know you’re not alone. *Hugs*

Alice Sanguinaria
Alice Sanguinaria
7 years ago

Ally – *extra hugs* Whenever you decide to call the hotline, just know that we’re rooting for you. I’ve found that in the darkest hour, someone in real life reassuring you that you’ll be okay, and being willing to listen to you is one of the best things in the world.

Don’t forget to set up the CAPS appointment though. Whenever you’re ready, of course.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Ally – your dad isn’t worth including in any examples of ordinary behaviour because he’s an abuser. Your brother has his influence/upbringing affecting him. Your stepdad, I don’t know. But shit, THREE people are being jerks to you, two at least because they haven’t any idea about what’s going on, I’d guess. How many just on this site have said 1) you communicate well and 2) don’t think you “take too long” and 3) like and respect you?

Anyway, all that aside: the people on hotline numbers are volunteers. They have chosen to do that work to help people in precisely your situation. They are there to listen. They’ve been trained. They’ve heard many, many stories (collectively, at least) from people in goodness knows how many situations. Probably quite a few of those people hesitated a long time about calling, too, and felt they weren’t in a serious enough situation, or their problems weren’t important/real/something anyone else would care about.

It’s all jerkbrain talking. In your case, it’s jerkbrain instilled by an abusive parental unit, so it’s doubly not worth listening to.

Call the helpline.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Shana! Squee! So pretty at any age.

Ally S
7 years ago

@Kitteh

Ally – your dad isn’t worth including in any examples of ordinary behaviour because he’s an abuser. Your brother has his influence/upbringing affecting him. Your stepdad, I don’t know. But shit, THREE people are being jerks to you, two at least because they haven’t any idea about what’s going on, I’d guess. How many just on this site have said 1) you communicate well and 2) don’t think you “take too long” and 3) like and respect you?

They are only three people, but I’ve also had a lot of interaction with them IRL, so it’s easy for me to give their views of me more weight (although it’s much, much easier for me to agree with my brother and step-dad). In other words, they can get to me much easier than people I interact with less and/or only know online.

Anyway, all that aside: the people on hotline numbers are volunteers. They have chosen to do that work to help people in precisely your situation. They are there to listen. They’ve been trained. They’ve heard many, many stories (collectively, at least) from people in goodness knows how many situations. Probably quite a few of those people hesitated a long time about calling, too, and felt they weren’t in a serious enough situation, or their problems weren’t important/real/something anyone else would care about.

You make a good point. I guess I’m just being overly cynical in regards to these counselors. I’m always very afraid of judgment from others, no matter where I am.

It’s all jerkbrain talking. In your case, it’s jerkbrain instilled by an abusive parental unit, so it’s doubly not worth listening to.

Call the helpline.

It’s actually caused by more than my dad’s abuse. I also grew up with a very poor self-image that was caused by, among other things, bullying, social anxiety, and fat-shaming (I got slightly fat when I was 13). My father did indirectly contribute to my social anxiety and shame me for being slightly fat, though.

But yes, I’ll call the hotline. Thank you for writing all of that out for me. I really appreciate it.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Kitty!! Baby!! *dies of cute*

Zombie Argenti Nths this — “talk to yourself the same way you’d talk to a loved one.”

Kendra — seconding the idea that you should get tested if you can since it may mean you aren’t a candidate and rule out the question entirely. Other than that…so many hugs. Most of you know my grandfather’s in a living facility cuz dementia and idfk wtf I’m going to do when he goes…and it’s your own mother in your case…hugs…lots and lots of hugs.

thebionicmommy
thebionicmommy
7 years ago

Thanks so much, Argenti and everyone else, for your kind words and reassurance. I agree I want to get tested and at least know I tried. I have no idea if my mom’s health would be good enough for her to qualify for any surgery anyway. At this point, I have to wait and see what the nephrologist and social workers say. Just take it one day at a time, that’s all I can do.

I have a lot to think about. My husband says “You are strong enough to lose your mom, but the kids aren’t” and that’s very heavy. And I listen to the Patty Loveless song “How can I Help you say Goodbye” and I feel torn between my love for my mom and for my children. Even people who are lucky like me and have wonderful parents eventually have to let go. And my mom wants me to be happy and live a long, full life raising my kids and having fun. I guess the only positive thing I can say about it is that she got to see her grandchildren, and that kidney failure and dialysis is a slow goodbye so we can appreciate each other for a while longer.

And I’m sorry about your grandpa in the nursing home, Argenti. It’s terrible to see someone you love in that condition, especially when they don’t know who you are anymore. I hated it when one of my grandmas was like that. If my mom can’t get a transplant, then I hope she never gets dementia at the end. She’s always been afraid of dying in that condition. It’s sad everyone doesn’t get to choose how we go, or most people would choose “peacefully die in sleep at age 100” or “spectacular motorcycle crash at age 102”. (Disclaimer here that just because I make jokes doesn’t mean I am insensitive to these things. It’s just my own way of coping with things beyond my control.)

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