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Heartiste: Hitler was a bitter Beta Male who wouldn’t have started WW2 if he’d read my pickup artist blog

But I'm a Nice Guy! Why won't she date me?
But I’m a Nice Guy! Why won’t she date me?

Some people dream of going back in a time machine and strangling baby Hitler in his crib, thus preventing World War II, the Holocaust, any number of stupid memes. Our dear friend Heartiste  — the repellent right-wing pickup guru — dreams instead of delivering the incredibly wussy teenage Hitler his own Sixteen Commandments of Poon, thus saving young Adolph from the horrors of Betahood and perhaps also preventing World War II, etc.

Heartiste, who evidently gets his news from seven-year-old stories in the Daily Mail, has been reading about a not-so-new book that tells the story of teenage Hitler’s unrequited crush on a girl named Stefanie Isak. To hear the Daily Mail tell it, Hitler was quite the beta simp, watching from a distance in fury as  alpha male army officers charmed (and won over) the young lass. Heartiste is driven to comment:

Hitler the bitterboy beta. Instead of learning from his alpha male betters, he lashed out at them, much the same way our modern manboobs lash out at alpha male “douchebags” and “players”.

Thanks for the mention, douchebag!

Anyhoo, so young Hitler wrote the girl poems, stalked her, contemplated kidnapping her, and considered a murder-suicide backup plan in case the kidnapping didn’t work out — you know, all your typical nice guy stuff. What he never did was talk to her.

Poor Hitler! That’s what “One-itis” can do to you!

Heartiste wonders what Hitler might have been able to accomplish if he’s been able to read the Chateau Heartiste blog on his early-20th century iPad.

As you can see, even maniacal dictators with dreams of world conquest can fall into the same horrible beta traps as your typical weepy 21st century brooding teen boy with xVideos tabbed for convenience. If only Hitler had the compiled wisdom of CH, he would remember the maxim that you do not reward a woman with your love until after she has rewarded you with her sex.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure you don’t need Heartiste or any misogynist douchebag to tell you it’s not a great idea to fall in love with a girl that you not only haven’t had sex with but whom you haven’t even spoken to.

But Heartiste is caught up in his own fantasies at this point:

[A] part of me feels not just pity, but even tender admiration, for young Hitler’s romantic idealism, so pure of thought and intention. This was a Hitler, however misguided, who denied a cynical world its tribute in parcels of his uncorrupted soul. How might things have turned out differently had a strong male presence — an alpha male mentor — shown him the way to fulfill his burning desire? Or at least told him to stop acting like a tool.

If only Hitler had known how to neg!

One of the stranger aspects of Hitler’s unrequited love affair is that the target of his obsessions had a Jewish last name. She wasn’t in fact Jewish, but (according to the Daily Mail account) Hitler didn’t know that at the time. The Daily Mail suggests that this could mean that his later anti-Semitism wasn’t genuine, but was instead cooked up for political reasons. (Yeah, fat chance.)

Heartiste has a different theory.

[P]erhaps … Hitler became the man he did when, as a young man in the grip of hot unrequited love, his Jewish princess “rejected” him for the charming alpha males Hitler despised. What followed from that irreparable wound to his heart was an act of id vengeance that would set fire to the world. Was WWI then, the revenge of a beta male scorned?

I believe you mean WWII. Do try to get your World Wars straight.

Chateau Heartiste has written that game can save the West. Disbelievers scoff. But if this outpost of sanity had been around during Hitler’s flowering youth to enlighten him about the nature of the fairer sex, the West might very well have been saved. Saved not just from war and genocide, but from every evil — cultural Marxism, feminism, equalism, and now racial self-annihilationism — that has come after.

I guess it’s not surprising, really, that Heartiste is egotistical enough to think that his blog could have prevented World War I, er II.

What is surprising is that Heartiste would have wanted to get in the way of Hitler’s campaign of hate and war. Heartiste, after all, is an increasingly open far-right racist, who in a recent post blamed American “emasculization” on the “[l]ack of a cleansing war.” (Really, because it seems to me that we ARE at war, and just got out of another war, and I don’t know if you saw this in the news or anything, but we’ve got some military strikes on Syria penciled in for later this week.) And if you go through Heartiste’s comments section you will certainly find plenty of people who don’t think Hitler needed any excuse to hate Jews — because they’re just so inherently hateable!

Hitler and Heartiste, two terrible tastes that taste disgusting together.

EDIT: Oh, by the way, the Blue Pill subreddit is totally on this whole Hitler as pickup artist thing. Here’s the original discussion, a spinoff discussion in r/badhistory, and a picture of PUA Hitler trying a little kino escalation (from here).

uOt4aWa

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daintydougal
daintydougal
7 years ago

I can totally see pua hitler as one of these guys:

Dating profile cartoons

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

What’s next for Fartiste–Pol Pot didn’t get enough hugs?

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
7 years ago

If only someone had thought to teach Mao pick-up he’d never have let all those people starve to death.

Hyena Girl
7 years ago

Well the one thing you can say about the Nazis is they were much snappier dressers than Heartiste and his fellow PUAs (http://gawker.com/5843124/hugo-boss-apologizes-for-making-nazis-look-fabulous)

Howard Bannister
7 years ago

@daintydougal: Hah! Sometimes Cracked just nails it.

Their ‘douchbag to English’ phrase dictionary was great. Then they reached ‘the world would be a better place if people with low IQs weren’t allowed to reproduce,’ and they brought it right back to the Nazis and Hitler and KILLED IT.

StarStorm
7 years ago

Oh my god, he’s writing WWII fanfiction. . It should have been a STEP UP and he still balled it.

yaoi huntress earth
yaoi huntress earth
7 years ago

Let’s ignore the fact that the physical abuse he received from his father is a possible helped fuel his anger, falling into a bad ideology (Nazism), being a drug addict and not being right in the head. Also he got plenty of sex later on and had several women before is devout marriage to Eva.

carswell
carswell
7 years ago

I have nothing serious to say other than I bow to the brilliance of Sir Bodsworth. That is all. Despite the fact that Heartiste’s blatherings are depressing beyond imagination I’m laughing my ass off at that video.

Wendy
Wendy
7 years ago

The good news is that this is the first time I saw a bunch of Heartiste commenters bash one of his stupid theoretical posts. The bad news though is that they were only bashing him for insulting a great man like Hitler by calling him a beta male. *sigh*

MordsithJ
7 years ago

To be fair, ‘womyn’ ‘wimmin’ and various other spellings were adopted by certain second-wavers in the 70’s and 80’s, then it became a joke. I don’t think anyone besides antifeminists uses them now.

Alex
7 years ago

There are feminists who use “womyn” and “womon”, but it’s not about hating men, it’s just about men not being the default. I personally am okay with “women” and “woman”, but I understand the argument for “womyn”.

sarahlizhousespouse
7 years ago

If a fourteen-year-old is “in control of the situation” enough to legally consent to sex then I really don’t see why we don’t just start pulling our jury members straight out of 9th grade. Why bother paying adults when we know minors are “just as in control” and mature as adults?
All the school district would have to do is add “Jury Duty” to the list of excused absences. Easy peasy.

That judge is a moron.

Alex
7 years ago

That judge is disgusting. There is no way that excuse should be allowed to be made. I don’t care how mature a child or adolescent is, zie don’t have the same life experience. There is no way, ever, that a fourteen year old is in as much control of a sexual situation than an adult involved, especially an adult who has authority over zir. That judge should be punished for misconduct or whatever it is when a judge lets zir creepy personal feelings affect the outcome of a case.

Michael Søndberg Olsen

Or let them drive, drink, enlist or buy guns, for that matter.

Michael Søndberg Olsen

But if it’s about sex and someone’s creeping on them, that judge is okay with it. Just… ughh, no.

entropistanon
7 years ago

Well, we all know that her teacher can’t POSSIBLY have been in the wrong. I mean, 14-year-olds are just so seductive! There’s no grown-ass man who is supposed to be in control of his own libido that can possibly resist them!

Seriously, though, I get more and more pissed off the more I hear about cases where the child is ruled to have seduced the adult.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Long, but the relevant CT law?

Sec. 53a-71. Sexual assault in the second degree: Class C or B felony.

Sec. 53a-71. Sexual assault in the second degree: Class C or B felony. (a) A person is guilty of sexual assault in the second degree when such person engages in sexual intercourse with another person and: (1) Such other person is thirteen years of age or older but under sixteen years of age and the actor is more than three years older than such other person; or (2) such other person is mentally defective to the extent that such other person is unable to consent to such sexual intercourse; or (3) such other person is physically helpless; or (4) such other person is less than eighteen years old and the actor is such person’s guardian or otherwise responsible for the general supervision of such person’s welfare; or (5) such other person is in custody of law or detained in a hospital or other institution and the actor has supervisory or disciplinary authority over such other person; or (6) the actor is a psychotherapist and such other person is (A) a patient of the actor and the sexual intercourse occurs during the psychotherapy session, (B) a patient or former patient of the actor and such patient or former patient is emotionally dependent upon the actor, or (C) a patient or former patient of the actor and the sexual intercourse occurs by means of therapeutic deception; or (7) the actor accomplishes the sexual intercourse by means of false representation that the sexual intercourse is for a bona fide medical purpose by a health care professional; or (8) the actor is a school employee and such other person is a student enrolled in a school in which the actor works or a school under the jurisdiction of the local or regional board of education which employs the actor; or (9) the actor is a coach in an athletic activity or a person who provides intensive, ongoing instruction and such other person is a recipient of coaching or instruction from the actor and (A) is a secondary school student and receives such coaching or instruction in a secondary school setting, or (B) is under eighteen years of age; or (10) the actor is twenty years of age or older and stands in a position of power, authority or supervision over such other person by virtue of the actor’s professional, legal, occupational or volunteer status and such other person’s participation in a program or activity, and such other person is under eighteen years of age.

(b) Sexual assault in the second degree is a class C felony or, if the victim of the offense is under sixteen years of age, a class B felony, and any person found guilty under this section shall be sentenced to a term of imprisonment of which nine months of the sentence imposed may not be suspended or reduced by the court.
(citation)

I’ve bolded the relevant bits, and how this is de facto a class B felony…on paper anyways.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Ok that was really long, sorry.

pecunium
7 years ago

Argenti: But the crime was in Montana.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Doesn’t mean I can’t be cranky about it being a serious crime here and apparently fucking nothing there. Relevant was probably the wrong word though huh?

cloudiah
7 years ago

There are feminists who use “womyn” and “womon”, but it’s not about hating men, it’s just about men not being the default. I personally am okay with “women” and “woman”, but I understand the argument for “womyn”.

I did personally know one feminist back in the late 80s who campaigned to replace words like disseminate with disovulate.

She didn’t get very far, as most people considered her something of a crank.

cloudiah
7 years ago

Oops, that last sentence should not be italicized. That’ll teach me to HTML without caffeine.

freemage
7 years ago

Argenti: It’s a serious crime in Montana, too:

http://leg.mt.gov/bills/mca/45/5/45-5-503.htm Short version: It should’ve been almost impossible for this scumbag to get off with less than 4 years in jail, and life in prison was a real possibility.

The problem here isn’t the state, it’s the judge, who pretty much ignored the law to protect the poor, seduced adult man from facing the consequences of his actions. If the girl had been two years younger, the judge wouldn’t even have been able to do that–it would’ve been 25 years, bare minimum, no parole or reductions allowed.

So, yeah, blame the piece of shit judge, not the state as a whole. Hopefully, they’ll have a way to unseat the unfit jurist.

CriticalDragon1177 (@CriticalDragon1)

David Futrelle

So basically this guy is saying that Hitler was bitter becouse girls didn’t like him. Okay, has heard of Eva Braun? I mean if all his genocidal hatred was simply because no girl wanted him, why didn’t having a girl friend actually change that?

Not to mention the fact that I haven’t read Mein Kamph, but I doubt that Hitler sites his inability to hookup as a reason why “the genetically inferior” must die.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
7 years ago

The Heartiste blog has now been around for several years. And yet Western civilization continues to steamroll over it on its merry way towards gender and racial equality. Feminism is still a thing. Dictators continue to exist.

How does he explain that one to his followers?

Tom Honks
Tom Honks
7 years ago

I haven’t been on that site in ages, but I swear I remember seeing commenters with Waffen SS avatars who spoke of Roissy with respect. I wonder how they’re reacting to this…

I mean, apart from their disdain for Keynesian economics, isn’t the Alternative Right basically identical to Nazism in pretty much every field?

kittehserf
7 years ago

Buttercup – easy, ‘cos ebil feminists stop all the proto-dictator-betas from reading it, so they won’t (the feminists) be forced to put out by the wonders of Game!

Skybison
Skybison
7 years ago

Speaking as a casual history buff…

THE REVISIONISM! IT BURNNNNS!

I don’t even know where to begin. Aside from tying this guy up and forceing him to read actual history books.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Sounds like a plan, Skybison!

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

freemage — oh I wasn’t blaming the state, I just knew off the top of my head that that is Very Illegal here. That judge…yeah, fuck him.

I started reading the OP to my mother and she’s staring at me — “Hitler. Pure of thought.”

That about sums it up I’d say!

Robert
Robert
7 years ago

A strong male presence? Well, my younger son is safe now; with two dads, he’ll have all the male presence he could possibly need. At the very least, he’ll grow up as less of a wowser than the OP’s author.

Seriously though – the boy is fiercely intelligent and warped by the abuse of his first five years. I have told his therapist that my main goal as his father is to prevent him from growing up to be Lord Voldemort. When I read such bafflegab as the OP, I realize that there are villains in real life.

saintnick86
7 years ago

@Kittyserf:

This is just begging for a Downfall video parody.

YES, YES, and YES – oh god, yes…

I could imagine Hitler going into his rant after one of the generals come into the bunker’s war room and says something along the lines of “Stefanie Isak didn’t accept the box of chocolates or the poem, Fuhrer, She said she doesn’t even know who you are…”

emilygoddess
7 years ago

Stephen Fry wrote a novel called “Making History”, in which someone invents time travel and uses it to prevent Hitler from being born. WWII still happens, because one man alone doesn’t drive an entire nation to war and genocide. It’s a pretty good read, actually, especially if you’re into alternate history and/or m/m romance.

As for “joos”, I’ve always seen it as a progressive parody of what bigots sound like (kind of like like “teh gays” and “wimmins”). Apparently Heartiste’s readers have reclaimed it.

Dvärghundspossen
7 years ago

I can usually see the language arguments, but at the same time, I think it’s easy to overestimate the power of language over thought. Like, it’s important to point out that it does have some power over thought (which lots of people might not have realized, if they’ve never been into feminism, social justice etc), but I think that when people do point that out they tend to overestimate it.

For instance, in Swedish, “man” is “man” (altough pronounced differently than in English) but “woman” is “kvinna”. Does that make Swedes more feminist? Maybe someone is tempted to say “yes”, and I do think that maybe the US overall is more sexist, or at least more blatantly sexist, than Sweden, but on the other hand… In Swedish, instead of the words “one” and “you” in sentences where they’re used about people in general rather than a specific person, we use “man”. I know lots of feminists who think it’s sexist that we have the same word for “man” as for “person in general in certain contexts”, so they replace “man” with “en” (which means “one” and is the normal way of speaking in a few local dialects). And… whatever, go ahead, but I doubt it makes much of a difference.

So basically… Most people probably don’t realize that language do has some power over thought. But people who do realize this tend to overestimate how much power it has, and I think they do that out of wishful thinking. Like, language is really flexible, and one wishes power structures were as flexible.

Dvärghundspossen
7 years ago

I probably should add that I think avoiding using a word which can be seen as a slur (or straight-out is a slur) when people ask you to is a different matter than “womyn” in English or “en” instead of “man” in Swedish.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

So, that judge? Petition to disrobe him — http://act.weareultraviolet.org/go/1066?t=3&akid=588.552343.3j0tgK

Shall we spread that far and wide? I think we shall!

freemage
7 years ago

emilygoddess:

This is still my personal favorite time-travel Hitler-killing story:

http://www.tor.com/stories/2011/08/wikihistory

kittehserf
7 years ago

I guess that petition’s only for USians … 🙁

emilygoddess
7 years ago

@Freemage, I love that one! There’s also this comic:

http://www.viruscomix.com/page382.html

kittehserf
7 years ago

emilygoddess – LOL!

Quietuus
7 years ago

Hi, long time Manboobz lurker and drawer of the PUA Hitler pic here; so chuffed to see my scratchings on this great blog, and glad to see people enjoyed it. 🙂

kittehserf
7 years ago

Quietuus, hi! Here’s your Official Welcome Package!

Love your pic. That poor woman’s expression says it all. 😀

freemage
7 years ago

And now I’m trying to get caught up on Subnormality again. Archive trawls there take so… damn… long……

Quietus: PUAH is truly a work of art. Excellent job.

cloudiah
7 years ago

Thirding the admiration for the PUAH drawing. Hi, Quietuus!

katz
7 years ago

Quietuus, if you’re on DeviantArt, you should totally add that pic to our group.

Robert
Robert
7 years ago

Emilygoddess – I shared that comic strip with my older son. His delighted chuckling warmed the cockles (and mussels) of my heart. It reminded me of the “are we the baddies? I mean, skulls on our helmets. . ” sketch.

Deoridhe
7 years ago

I did personally know one feminist back in the late 80s who campaigned to replace words like disseminate with disovulate.

This makes me strange I’m sure, but I love the idea of using disovulate for the spreading of information in large bundles instead of short, continuous bursts…

Oscilnut
Oscilnut
7 years ago

Oh gods. Thanks to that pic, I’ve got images in my brain of der Fuhrer trying terribad chat up lined on unsuspecting women.

“Hey baby. Fancy ein Fuck?”
“Nein!”
“Vell vould you mind lying down vhile I have vun?”