Don’t call her “baby.” No, seriously, don’t.

Unless you're Kojak. Kojak gets a free pass with the word "baby."

Unless you’re Kojak. Kojak gets a free pass with the word “baby.”

So I read a lot of creepy shit doing research for this blog. But the manosphere blog Random Xpat Rantings — slogan: “Contemplative dominance for the modern man” — seems to be trying to take creepiness to a whole other level.

In a recent post, blogger xsplat attempts to explain “How to make an attractive woman fall for you on the first or second date.” One of his hints: “If you are way into the girl, it will be way easier for her to fall for you.”

But what if you’re dead inside and can’t feel love? Well, have no fear, because xsplat has an answer for you: Pretend that the women you’re dating are your children!

If you don’t know how to feel love, here is a trick that will work for some, if you let it. Men naturally feel paternal love. Women are neotenous. Evolution is accidental, however the coincidence is meaningful. Women are neotenous because that arouses men’s paternal love. Use that to your advantage. Consider her as YOUR child. This will open up a flood of love for her. It’s ok – it’s not real incest – don’t be an idiot. It’s a trick you are performing in order to commune more fully. To love her more. To enjoy for yourself the great rush of love.

Also, I have a long history of doing this, again and again. It’s not just an accident in my distant past. It’s what I do. It’s what I did today. It’s a formula. It’s a formula that might very well work for you.

If you’re giving out dating advice and you have to specify “it’s ok — it’s not real incest” you should probably start trying to figure out just how your life has gone so terribly, terribly wrong.


About David Futrelle

I run the blog We Hunted the Mammoth, which tracks (and mocks) online misogyny. My writing has appeared in a wide variety of places, including Salon,, the Washington Post, the New York Times Book Review and Money magazine. I like cats.

Posted on August 17, 2013, in creepy, evo psych fairy tales, it's science!, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, pedophiles oh sorry ephebophiles, PUA and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 112 Comments.

  1. Before anyone gets pedantic, I’m referring only to groups that use the actual name of a place, not a nickname, not the last name of a singer spell it correctly, and don’t have any other words in the name. Of Montreal don’t count, Linkin Park don’t count, The Bay City Rollers don’t count, The Ohio Players don’t count (neither do the A-Town Players), Danzig and Washington don’t count.

  2. @ Argenti

    I think the issue with a lot of PUAs could be summed up as “consent – it’s never happened”. From this they have concluded that since no woman wants to fuck them that must mean that women don’t really want sex therefore (endless piles of creepy, self-justifying bullshit).

  3. I call men “sweetie” when I think they need a reminder to ease up on the sexist condescension in a work situation.

  4. And that asterisk in my first post ITT was meant to be complemented with “*still better science than MRA evopsych” at the bottom of that post. Way too fast on the post button these days, me.

  5. The average Stoic Sophist of today

    I call men “sweetie” when I think they need a reminder to ease up on the sexist condescension in a work situation.

    There’s always “sport”, “champ” or “tiger” in the most dismissive and patronizing tone of voice you can do.

  6. Or “son”.

    I saw what you did with your nym there! :D

  7. One former coworker decided to call me “doll-face”, so I called him “schmoopie” for months afterwards. The programmers seemed to find it very amusing – I think I won that round.

  8. I call men “sweetie” when I think they need a reminder to ease up on the sexist condescension in a work situation.

    Right because the best solution to sexism in the work place is MORE SEXISM!!!!

  9. I prefer “dear” myself. Good all around non-sexual term of um, endearment (see, it’s even in the word!)

    GNL — go away. You’ll have a point when men start getting condencended to on a regular basis.

    Cassandra, re: consent — touché.

  10. I had to look up the word “neotenous.”

    ne·ot·e·ny (n-tn-)
    1. Retention of juvenile characteristics in the adults of a species, as among certain amphibians.
    2. The attainment of sexual maturity by an organism still in its larval stage.

    OK, I don’t know which definition is more icky. The idea that women are juvenile, as opposed to “adult” males, or the idea that women are sexually mature while still being in their infant stages.

    BOTH of these ideas are espoused by these fools. “Treat her like a child, because women don’t mature, like men do.” Also, “Women expire when they hit 25, and the younger, the better.” I’ve seen these men argue for lowering the legal age for sex, because 18 is just too old, dontchaknow. Meanwhile, the brain is actually still forming, until the age of 25, or so, which means that about the time the female stops maturing, mentally, is the same age that they think she is TOO OLD FOR SEX. Which means, they want sex with someone “in its larval stage.”

    Eww. This is just tooo icky.

  11. Wow, GNL really is made of 100% pure fail. How do you screw up blockquotes in that lulzy a way?

    On the neoteny issue, that’s cultural as much as it is biological, and it’s not sex-related. For example, in a lot of Asian pop cultures it’s just as popular for men as it is for women (if you have unusually large eyes it will be a boost to your entertainment career, and if you have a baby face in general even better). It is a real thing and it’s probably related to the fact that human babies are helpless for longer than most other mammals, but it doesn’t work the way that the creeper above is trying to spin it.

  12. @GNL: I don’t actually think it is sexist, if someone of a similar age to you calls you a pet-name like ‘sweetie’ or ‘petal’ or something, to start calling them by one too – they’ve accelerated your relationship into that kind of familiarity, and either that’s just their natural way of expressing themselves (in which case, why would they mind you taking up a similar mode of address? it’s just being reciprocally warm) OR they actually were being sexist, in that they think those terms of endearment should only flow one way – from male to female – in which case they’ll feel uncomfortable, maybe even ’emasculated’ – and they hopefully start thinking that the women on the receiving end of such pet-names might feel a similar emotion (I wish there was a word for that particular feeling of humiliation/enforced lack of agency that we call ’emasculation’, cause obviously ladies can feel it too!)

  13. average ferrets of today

    lowquacks: I think Chicago (the band) was originally known as Chicago Transit Authority. Who knows why, but no matter, it’s almost worse.

  14. guffaw-ferrets

    LOL I jumped on the “change your ‘nym” bandwagon and got stuck in moderation. That will show me for trying to be trendy.

  15. You mentioned Boston. While covering Kansas for a friend’s scavenger hunt thingo on the weekend, I got to thinking – why exactly was there this sudden of influx of MOR-rock-groups-as-places in the ’70s-early ’80s? Did America and Kansas and Chicago and Boston and Asia and Nazareth and Europe all get that idea separately – perhaps combing feathered hair back stimulates some certain part of the brain?* – or what? Why was it only groups of very studio-friendly dudes playing poppy rock music with a vague progressive sheen that went for this naming style?

    I have often wondered this as well. Was it just that they realized there were an infinite number of possible band names if they all just picked cities?

  16. I myself would have gone with Yonkers.

  17. Cloudiah – you’d just get lost.

  18. I think if I get sick of condescending trolls, my usual patronizing term of choice is ‘child.’ Even then, I don’t feel great about it, because I’ve known plenty of kids who are waaaay less douchey than adults.

  19. LBT — pretty sure “kid” isn’t reserved for actual children as my mother used it in reference to pecunium the other day. With the excuse that compared to her he’s a kid. Wasn’t demeaning or anything, more like she simply forgot that not all my friends are my age.

  20. “Son.”

    My brother’s RA one year had like two years on my brother and addressed him as “son.”

    And of course, here in the South there’s baggage hanging onto “boy.”

  21. Not just in the South, Falconer – it’s a word to avoid using of a MoC anywhere in the US, from what my friends in LA told me. I nearly tripped up in looking at an old photo of a very young man and saying “What a good-looking boy he was!” – boy meaning teen/just post teen. I quite forgot at the moment that it’s got all that really ugly baggage, and I’m glad nobody but my friend heard me say it.

  22. One former coworker decided to call me “doll-face”, so I called him “schmoopie” for months afterwards. The programmers seemed to find it very amusing – I think I won that round.

    That is awesome!

  23. As of this writing, there are no commenters questioning him on the incest thing. I choose to believe this is because he only has a handful of readers, because EW EW NO DO NOT WANT.


    “Women are neotonous” is a funny way of saying “I can’t think of women as adult humans on my own level because I am a raging misogynist.”

    Right? It’s man-as-default and woman-as-flawed-man, dialed up to 11.


    No woman of quality wants a man to view her as his child, period.

    The fuck is a “woman of quality”? What do you call a woman you deem to be outside this category, and how do you make that judgment?

  24. The comments XSPLAT left on that post are even scarier. He says he’s a late 40s guy who is seeing a 17 year old. He found her on a dating site by using pictures of a younger guy. He explains how he tricked her into meeting him:

    “Well, this girl shows up still expecting me to be the guy in the picture – 25 years younger and taller and good looking – as opposed to balding and short and old and ugly. Took about 15 minutes to calm her down…

    Took another hour or maybe two until we’d gotten over that and built up some rapport.

    I’m actually liking that bait and switch strategy.

    Girls are not likely to even open my online messages, let alone reply, with my real face. But in person I have other charms that can’t come across online.

    Once the girl is isolated I can do OK.

    Oh, and this girl is now seriously hooked. I pushed over that first domino and the infatuation is streaming through her, non-stop.”

  25. I think PUA types often exaggerate their un-emotionality as some kind of alpha scout merit badge.

    Exactly. People who truly don’t experience attachment and can’t feel love don’t care what “females” are up to, as a category, or as individual instances. They are truly indifferent to the “transgressions” of “female”-kind that drive most MRAs and PUAs into their trademark constant, seething, low-level rage. They don’t even care enough to talk about not caring.

  26. Exactly. People who truly don’t experience attachment and can’t feel love don’t care what “females” are up to, as a category, or as individual instances. They are truly indifferent to the “transgressions” of “female”-kind that drive most MRAs and PUAs into their trademark constant, seething, low-level rage. They don’t even care enough to talk about not caring.

    Yeah, but it’s no fun not caring if you don’t know how much I don’t care.


  27. @Stripped Nuts – holy shit, this guy’s basically admitting he’s a borderline pedophile and probably a rapist. It just gets worse and worse.

  28. @Stripped Nuts, is it possible to report the guy to the police? This is classic grooming and any man who talks about getting the girl “isolates” is scary as shit.

    It’s easily done in the UK but not sure how it can be done, assuming this is happening in the USA.

  29. ^ isolated, I mean. It’s distressing enough for my typing to go randon.

  30. At one point this guy was outed as a serious pedophile and was trashed by many individuals in the heartiste comments section and in individual blogs. Ironically, I think most of the individual blogs that addressed his pedophilia were run by…women. Wait, no, that’s not ironic, that’s to be expected.

  31. @titianblue : not sure how to report, or if what he says is true. Xsplat’s writing is super creepy and it’s hard to tell what is fantasy and what’s reality. Reading that full post and his comments feels like entering a foggy world of delusion and deranged justification. He says he’s in hos 40s but his thought process is like a 12 year old. Sad, really, because it’s obvious his mind is warped by MRA, PUA and pornography.

    In reading his post i thought for sure someone would call him out on his delusions but they all seemed to support him.

  32. I hope to hell it’s fantasy, and that he never acts it out.

  33. The story about meeting the teenager using a fake pic reads like 100% fantasy to me. I can remember being a teenager, and if some dude 25 years older and infinitely less hot than promised had shown up I’d have bailed without even giving him time to say “but I can explain!”.

  34. GAH! Creepy creepy creepy! D: True or not, DO NOT WANT.

  35. Fun fact: Babies were meant to bear babies at their menarche, which is around age 12-13.
    If you don`t believe me, get a history lesson from Mr. Vaughn

  36. Hey Kojak, just because you’re proud to be a pedophile doesn’t make it okay.

  37. Kojak: you’re fucking gross.

  38. And who the heck is Mr. Vaughn.

  39. Right, I’ve emailed the Dark Lord about this one.

  40. Meant? More like able to. Meant wouldn’t allow either of these things —

    For both physiological and social reasons, mothers aged 15 to 19 are twice as likely to die in childbirth as those in their 20s, and girls under age 15 are five times as likely to die as women in their 20s. Obstructed labour is especially common among young, physically immature women giving birth for the first time. Those who don’t die from unrelieved obstructed labour may lose their babies and suffer from fistula, a hole in the birth canal that leaves them incontinent and often social outcasts. (citation)

    In 2006, infant mortality rates were highest for mothers in the youngest and oldest age groups. The infant mortality rate for single births to mothers aged <15 years was 16.7 infant deaths per 1,000 live births, approximately three times the rates for mothers aged 25–29 years (5.1), 30–34 years (4.5), and 35–39 years (5.2), the age groups at lowest risk. The infant mortality rate for single births to mothers aged ≥45 years was 11.46, approximately twice the rate for mothers in the three age groups at lowest risk. (citation)

    In short, you’re both an asshole, and wrong.

  41. Ninja’d by Argenti. My router went out twice while I was writing that!

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