Heartiste: Cunnilingus is for betas because vaginas are icky

Man horrified by glimpse of vagina.

Man horrified by glimpse of vagina.

Oh, Heartiste, sometimes I can’t help but wonder if you’ve been trolling us all along. I mean, what kind of master pickup guru is this squicked out by vaginas?

Eating a girl out anytime during the first few weeks of dating is beta. When you eat a girl out, you telegraph your incredible horniness for her. Men normally do not want to go down on women and bury their mouths in that fetid, humid mess unless they find her so overwhelmingly hot that they can’t help themselves.

“Fetid, humid mess?” Seriously, dude, if you hate vaginas so much, why do you devote your entire life to trying to gain access to as many of them as possible?

Women instinctively know this, so they correctly gauge that a man who goes down on them on the first date must feel he’s with one of the best he’s ever had. This, in turn, will sour a woman’s attraction for a man, since no woman in the history of the universe has ever felt raging lust for a man she believed lower than herself in value.

And you know this how? Somehow I doubt that Heartiste and his followers are getting a lot of return engagements from their unfortunate dates.

Cunnilingus later in the relationship is absolved from this rule, because you have already demonstrated your manly ability to use her strictly for the piledriving hole she is.

But isn’t her, er, piledriving hole just as icky as ever? Wouldn’t this still be a beta thing? Does any of this make any kind of sense, even if you buy into Heartiste’s Alpha-Beta claptrap?

If I didn’t already know that Heartiste was a dude in his 40s, I would have assumed he was actually a 15-year-old naif with a chip on his shoulder and a vivid imagination.

Thanks to Wrecksomething on r/againstmensrights for pointing out this Heartiste classic.

Posted on July 14, 2013, in alpha males, beta males, disgusting women, gender policing, heartiste, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, PUA, sex, vaginas and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 329 Comments.

  1. Actresses act? I am shocked, SHOCKED I TELL YOU!

    Hehehehe. I really wonder if Paulie can tell the difference. Or if he’s even here still…just asking him to explore his body may have scared him off.

  2. Natural tool to satisfy a woman is a penis.

    (The) natural tool to chop trees is your teeth.

  3. (The) natural tool to chop trees is your teeth.

    Or your fingernails. Or your toenails. :D

  4. emilygoddess - MOD

    Natural tool to wipe your ass is nothing. Ditto for brushing your teeth. You should walk around smelling like stale shit and rotten teeth, then the ladies will really love you.

  5. Same with antiperspirant. That natural musk turns everyone on!

  6. Lee,
    You just reminded me of the Dead Milkmen song “These are a few of my many smells”. :)

  7. Lea: Hehehe. :D

  8. and that’s why Paulie dislikes cunnilingus, he’s been doing it wrong and doesn’t understand why no one appreciated his efforts.

    Everything he learned about eating pussy, he learned from ALF.

  9. Everything he learned about eating pussy, he learned from ALF.

    -falls off his chair laughing-

  10. Paulus2014 is silly. Daisies is daisies. Cat is Cat. So simple.

  11. Cat is cat. Giraffe is Giraffe. Car is car. Dumbass is a dumbass. Ummm . . . what is the point of this?

  12. grumpycatisagirl

    Ninjaed is ninjaed!

  13. Can we keep him, guys? This guy is actually entertaining!

    Paulus2014 is a dumbass. So simple.

    Keep ramming your head up your ass, buddy! You’ll find your prostate any minute now!

  14. Funny thing: in natural wolf packs, omegas and betas move out of their parents den after a few adult years and become alphas.

    Is that too Betta for you?

  15. LBT: Only if you take him for walksies, and feed him, and..

  16. What does cuckolding have to do with oral sex? I don’t get it. I agree that we should keep Paulie. He’s providing some good laughs.

  17. Alpha man is an alpha man. Beta is beta. Cuckold is a cuckold. Dyke is a dyke. So simple.

    Remember: Humans. Are. Complicated.
    The fact of the matter is? you’re afraid of not being manly enough.
    Which is why you have to be an “Alpha Male.”
    It’s overcompensating for your insecurity.

  18. Wow! Paulie, thank you for justifying David’s site by simply being yourself. You know, in the old days, like the 18 and 1900s, no one would be able to read your, um, thoughts, because publishers would have decided you are too ignorant to be commenting on the subjects you are currently commenting on.
    Humans evolved to switch and adapt according to the fluidity of every situation. Sometimes that means being a loner, sometimes that means being a team player and working as part of the group. Your binary understanding of human behavior is fucking lame. You’re a misogynist. That is all. Your dick isn’t magic.

  19. Alpha man is an alpha man. Beta is beta. Cuckold is a cuckold. Dyke is a dyke. So simple.

    Lack of effort is lack of effort. Weak sauce is weak sauce. Not bothering to even try is not bothering even to try. Having no point is having no point. I love lamp.

    Paulie has no time for oral sex, he’s way too busy sucking at trolling.

  20. emilygoddess - MOD

    I modded Paulus’s comment with the slurs.

    Also, boring troll is boring. Are you even trying?

  21. Paul ,
    Despite your fantasies of being some sort of super special man, “alpha men” do not exist. You’re just a man who is afraid that a clit has the power to steal away your make believe specialness. (I bet you think tossing someone’s salad is fatal. It isn’t. Sexual acts neither define nor destroy the people who enjoy them.) Nothing about your phobia of the magic machismo stealing clit is based in reality. You can make excuses for it, but ultimately, you have an irrational fear. There’s nothing wrong with that. If something scares you or turns you off, you have every right to avoid it. But pretending that your fear or revulsion = some natural law that doesn’t exist or that your fear makes you anything but afraid is silly.

    You’re a silly bigot. The only person taking you seriously is you.

  22. Alpha man is an alpha man. Beta is beta. Cuckold is a cuckold. Dyke is a dyke. So simple.

    w
    Paulie, do you know what “begging the question” and “unwarranted assumptions” are?

  23. Oh Paulie, I have something for you!

    Two somethings, in fact!

    Paulie, come back and see how wrong your “so simple” ASSumptions are!

  24. >>>Phoenician in a time of Romans wrote:

    The natural tool to satisfy a woman is a brain. Everything else is just a user interface.<<<

    *claps*

    Human beings are amazingly neocortex driven creatures.

  25. I hate to necro a dead thread, but this review of Good Will Hunting, which showed up recently on Amazon, was too good and too relevant to the topic to not share:

    And a link to the original review:

    http://www.amazon.ca/product-reviews/B00185JPBG?pageNumber=12

  26. OMG. That review is perfect. I’m just speechless.

  27. Of all the things about the movie to pick on, he picked that? I’m dyyyyyyin’.

  28. Because it offended his manly manliness with its disgusting implications! How could the poor dude be expected to think of anything else? XD

  29. @kittehserf:

    Almost makes me wonder exactly what he is thinking about…

  30. I wish the author of that review would have given some indication if they are a man or a woman. I know it’s irrelevant, but am curious. I’m sure it’s going to eat away at me for a while. Oh well.

  31. He did – at the end he claims to be “a perfectly straight guy”.

  32. He also starts it with “I’m a male.” I was being ironic cause he had to doubly express his man-ity. I guess my irony wasn’t as obvious as I hoped. Stupid text. Unless your correcting me was supposed to be ironic, too. Stupid text again.

    Hmmm actually, I guess the “I’m a male” doesn’t actually specify him being a man. A male what? He doesn’t say. Using the computer to write a review does suggest that he is a human male… On the other hand, he could be a really intelligent crow with really bad opinions on gender roles that got a hold of someone’s computer and pecked out that review. So in reality, the “perfectly straight guy” part would be the only indication of species.

    But crows are notorious liars. So yeah. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say an asshole crow wrote that review.

  33. Tessa, I love you.

    In the platonic, ‘laughing ridiculously hard imagining an arse of a crow writing a review just to mess with people’ way.

  34. Kind of like this crow, being a jerk and untying laces so he can try to abscond with the pan.

    He probably wants it to go roof-boarding.

  35. I may be anthropomorphizing, but to me that crow looks less like it’s actually trying to steal the pan and more like it’s playing just because it’s fun. It’s the way it just stands there for a bit observing her after she bends down to tie her laces each time. It reminds me of the way some dogs play.

  36. contrapangloss

    Tessa, I love you.

    In the platonic, ‘laughing ridiculously hard imagining an arse of a crow writing a review just to mess with people’ way.

    Let’s be honest here, is there really any better way to love?

    cassandrakitty

    I may be anthropomorphizing, but to me that crow looks less like it’s actually trying to steal the pan and more like it’s playing just because it’s fun. It’s the way it just stands there for a bit observing her after she bends down to tie her laces each time. It reminds me of the way some dogs play.

    It’s not anthropomorphizing, crows are really smart, so it wouldn’t be shocking that they play (actually I remember seeing studies showing they do). Crows are generally compared to the great apes in terms of intelligence. I loooove watching videos of crows doing smart things. One of my favorites is some crows dropping nuts onto a crosswalk so a car will crack it, then they wait for the signal to change so they can walk to the nut and eat it without getting run over.

  37. Whoops, my bad, Tessa!

    I’ll just say (hand on heart) I’ve been reading Mikey DIRECTLY ON THE BEACH all afternoon, so my brain might be a bit scrambled.

    (This is my excuse and I’m sticking to it.)

    I’m now imagining Q the raven from Discworld writing that review. Except he’d have thrown in something about eyeballs.

  38. That’s the thing, since crows are so smart I’m pretty sure it would have just made off with the pan quickly rather than keeping waiting for her to be done tying her shoes before attempting to do so, so I’m assuming it’s enjoying the game. In fact it’s probably intelligent enough to figure out that she’s trying to play with it too. Bird body language tends to be quite easy to read anyway, imo, and this one’s says “this is fun, let’s keep doing this till I get bored”.

  39. “Hey, hey, watch this. Look what I can make the human do!”

    *tug tug*

    “*bwwooop*, and it bends over, drops the shiny thing, I pull it away, it takes the shiny thing. And again!”

    *tug tug*

    “*bwwoop* bends over, drops the shiny, like clockwork!”

    *tug tug*

    “Seriously, I could do this forever! Humans are strange.”

  40. Tessa, after reviewing all the evidence, I’m afraid that the customer cannot be a crow. Crows are simply too intelligent and too much fun to have written that review.

  41. Unless of course it was a crow that was well-versed in cultural attitudes towards oral sex (particularly when given to women) and wanted to parody it.

  42. Seconding everything!

    The crow was definitely playing, the cute little goof; he probably messes with them sometimes, though, when they don’t want to play along.

    Adorable little shoelace untying goof of a jerk crow.

    Can I just post more goofy birds? Cars are for snow crows and rolling down!

    And trees are for swinging!

    They’re like little, feathery kids. :)

    Yeah, couldn’t have been a crow.

    It might have been a raven! They can be real jerks, even if they’re clever. Just ask this eagle!

  43. Or ask this eagle:

    Why fly when you can hitch a ride?

    (according to the photographer, the crow wasn’t attacking, it just perched there for a while)

    http://www.today.com/pets/crow-hitches-ride-back-eagle-718412

  44. Crows are so awesome that they make me want to do that goofy Snow White dancing around in a pouffy dress talking to the birds thing.

  45. Darn, now I found the thread. Never mind.

  46. Corvids rock. This one is smarter than an average toddler. (And look how it doesn’t care about the treat. It’s just doing the puzzle for fun!)

    And they talk up a storm.

  47. It’s kind of funny that we’re all talking about the awesomeness of corvids in this thread while many are rolling our eyes at the lack of awesomeness of the Corvid in the other thread.

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