Heartiste: Cunnilingus is for betas because vaginas are icky

Man horrified by glimpse of vagina.

Man horrified by glimpse of vagina.

Oh, Heartiste, sometimes I can’t help but wonder if you’ve been trolling us all along. I mean, what kind of master pickup guru is this squicked out by vaginas?

Eating a girl out anytime during the first few weeks of dating is beta. When you eat a girl out, you telegraph your incredible horniness for her. Men normally do not want to go down on women and bury their mouths in that fetid, humid mess unless they find her so overwhelmingly hot that they can’t help themselves.

“Fetid, humid mess?” Seriously, dude, if you hate vaginas so much, why do you devote your entire life to trying to gain access to as many of them as possible?

Women instinctively know this, so they correctly gauge that a man who goes down on them on the first date must feel he’s with one of the best he’s ever had. This, in turn, will sour a woman’s attraction for a man, since no woman in the history of the universe has ever felt raging lust for a man she believed lower than herself in value.

And you know this how? Somehow I doubt that Heartiste and his followers are getting a lot of return engagements from their unfortunate dates.

Cunnilingus later in the relationship is absolved from this rule, because you have already demonstrated your manly ability to use her strictly for the piledriving hole she is.

But isn’t her, er, piledriving hole just as icky as ever? Wouldn’t this still be a beta thing? Does any of this make any kind of sense, even if you buy into Heartiste’s Alpha-Beta claptrap?

If I didn’t already know that Heartiste was a dude in his 40s, I would have assumed he was actually a 15-year-old naif with a chip on his shoulder and a vivid imagination.

Thanks to Wrecksomething on r/againstmensrights for pointing out this Heartiste classic.

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Posted on July 14, 2013, in alpha males, beta males, disgusting women, gender policing, heartiste, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, PUA, sex, vaginas and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 271 Comments.

  1. You don’t need permission to have an opinion, just like we don’t need permission to mock you for your ridiculous opinion.

  2. cassandrakitty

    Woman suspects that sex with Paulus would be a lot like being mauled by an angry bear.

  3. Flowers are sex organs, too, but no one goes on about what ordained purpose they have. Are they just for bees to collect pollen and nectar from? Are they just for us to make our gardens and celebrations look pretty?

    If you can’t answer that question, then you see my point.

  4. cassandrakitty

    Woman also suspects that this is true of most manosphere dudes.

  5. I just follow the laws of Nature. Penis was made to enter inside vaginas. Not tongue. May I have permission to have my opinion?

    Wait, so the laws of Nature are just your opinion? I just… what? How the… what IS this?!?!

  6. Paulus, you can have your opinion. We can point and laugh at it. You don’t think your opinion is a fact, do you?

  7. Apparently Paulus hasn’t heard of the clitoris. I stand by my opinion that it’s good he isn’t inflicting his lack of skills on women.

  8. WWTH: Yup. I bet all he watches is bottom-shelf cishet porn…if he even knows how to masturbate yet. :lol:

  9. I just follow the laws of Nature. Penis was made to enter inside vaginas. Not tongue.

    Who died and let you in charge of nature?

  10. Since Paulie wants more “laws of Nature”, I’ll babble about plants some more: Not only are flowers sex organs, but many plants have both male and female flowers on the same individual. This means plants can get themselves pregnant. Isn’t that just scandalous, Paulie?

  11. emilygoddess - MOD

    Notice how Paulus continues to dodge the fellatio issue. It’s almost like he’s aware it’s a giant hole in his argument.

    That, or he’s trolling.

  12. Does this mean Paulus thinks women shouldn’t shave their armpits? Technically, the hair there exists by the Rules Of Nature!

    Scientists also think it might have something to do with reducing friction! :)

  13. Paul,
    You don’t get to tell people what their bodies are for. Human nature is not yours to dictate. You don’t need anyone’s permission to have opinions. You just can’t invent your own facts, which is what you are trying to do. No one has to respect your ridiculous opinions or you and no one does.
    It must be scary for you, to think your gender is so special and yet so easily erased. How feeble a grasp of yourself you have.

  14. RE: Paulus2014

    Sorry, ladies and beta males, but truth can be painful sometimes.

    That’s okay. Somehow, I will endure knowing that me and my hubby are beta, on account of our bodies not being hermetically sealed environments, never to be penetrated except by our proctologists. I shall be sure to weep a bucket of tears for my lost alphaness. ALAS!

    I just follow the laws of Nature. Penis was made to enter inside vaginas. Not tongue. May I have permission to have my opinion?

    Wait, you actually got this answer straight from Mother Nature herself? GodDAMN! That old biddy refuses to take my calls! How did you do it?

    And no one’s stopping you from having an opinion, Paulus. It’s just my own opinion that your opinion is dumber than a box of rocks, on account of (A) other species engage in oral sex (B) you apparently only think CUNNILINGUS is against nature, despite A, and (C) you think ‘alpha’ is actually a thing in Nature, when it is not. CERTAINLY not in primates, which you are most likely a part of.

    I have to know, Paulus. Is auto-fellatio beta, by your standards?

    Also, this sounds like a good place to drop this.

  15. Natural tool to satisfy a woman is a penis. Not a tongue. So simple. Or not?

  16. cassandrakitty

    Best route to sexual satisfaction for a woman is to avoid Paulus. It is known.

  17. @Paulus2014:

    Great many tools satisfy women (NSFW, probably), some shaped like tongue. When you woman, you can decide what satisfy you.

    I’d ask if Paulus has ever heard of lesbians, but I can already predict what terrible things he’d say.

  18. Aww, I got a blockquote right but forgot the quote. That’s a first. This should be in the blockquote:

    Natural tool to satisfy a woman is a penis. Not a tongue. So simple. Or not?

  19. Honestly if you’re going with “natural tool” to satisfy, I’d probably stake a bet on fingers.

    I mean, EVOLUTIONARILY SPEAKING, the very simple BIOTRUTH of the matter is that the penis isn’t developed specifically to cause any kind of pleasure.

    Huh, wait that was… but that… I mean… so uh… is evolutionary biology actually good for something now? :p

  20. kittehserf MOD

    And in other “nothing new here folks” info, Woody is still trying and failing his troll challenge.

    Hey, Woody, cast your mind back to school. When you were asked to use a word, it implicitly means in a sentence. Writing sporkle and then going on to whine in a new paragraph doesn’t count. 1/10.

  21. cassandrakitty

    He’s not trying to talk about sex, is he? Because nobody needs to read that.

  22. RE: Paulus2014

    Natural tool to satisfy a woman is a penis. Not a tongue. So simple. Or not?

    The bonobos disagree with you. My husband disagrees with you. Hell, WOMEN disagree with you. Sorry, dude, but women’s opinion on what sexually satisfies them > YOUR opinion on what sexually satisfies them.

    Also, you are in no position to discuss what the “natural” way of sex is, seeing as you seem hellbent on performing auto-anal sex with your head.

  23. cassandrakitty

    I just hope he remembered to buy extra lube.

  24. Says:

    Natural tool to satisfy a woman is a penis. Not a toungue. So Simple.

    Wonders why a bunch of women (and a few awesome men) are laughing their asses off at him.

  25. Related Note: On penises causing pleasure…

    ((Quite possibly TMI and Warnings for “Nature Is Not AlwaysNice”))

    … nature doesn’t work that way. It’s more of a “Does this get genetic material in a place where it can meet other genetic material?” In a brief survey of animal sexual organs, it seems like there are an awful lot on non-happy-making “penises” out there.

    For instance, Platyhelminthyes, free living marine flatworms, use their penises in a sport called “Penis Fencing” wherein the looser gets their body cavity punctured and sperm deposited directly into their body.

    It looks cool, but when you think about it…

    Water mites and a few other insects do the same type of thing, only instead of being soft bodied and easy to puncture and heal, they have exoskeletons. Some female mites die from getting stabbed so many times by males. Pirate warehouse bugs do the same thing. I guess it’s a way of balancing out all the male spiders eaten by females? Balance in arthropoda?

    Speaking of arthropoda and arachninipoda (the true spiders), male spider’s analogous structures to the penis are actually the pedipalps, located on the head. Some species have their pedipalps break off in the female, after mating, to prevent other male spiders from getting a chance to insert any genetic stuff.

    Having something stuck in a body opening for weeks does not sound fun.

    Ducks, like damselflies, actually have barbs on their penises, to scrape out other males sperm.

    Think about that, scraping a body opening. Not fun.

    I could carry on.

  26. Also, wasn’t there a thing where duck vaginas and penises spiral for some bizarre reason? Ducks are weird.

    Not to mention the fact that most animals don’t mate for pleasure, and you realize that “satisfying” is not even something animal genitals normally do. Good news for the pile-drivers out there, I guess.

  27. Paulie here’s a natural tool, and you know he’s satisfying no one.

    Poor dear, this is probably the most attention he’s had in years.

  28. Natural tool to satisfy a woman is a penis. Not a tongue. So simple. Or not?

    Dude, face facts. You may be the world’s most massive tool, but you could never compete with a tongue. Or a vibrator.

  29. I wonder how old Paulus is?

    Unfortunately, he’s getting his sex and dating advice from people like Heartiste.
    This doesn’t bode well for him.

    @ Paulie…Would you rather be a “real man” as defined by other dudebros, or would you rather be happy?
    …You really might get out there and find that the two are in opposition.
    In short, be YOU. Not a mockup of what you think you’re supposed to act like. Otherwise you’re likely to wake up one day and find that you’re an actor in your own damn life….and wonder why you’re so unhappy, when it all looks so good.

  30. Oh Paul, Paul, Paul, you are certainly simple.
    Women are far more likely to orgasm from clitoral stimulation than by penetration.

    Are we posting pro-lesbian songs? Because I’m partial to this one.

  31. For Paulus, the excellent Laci Green with her video What Counts As Sex?:

    But hell, why would you listen to a woman telling you what makes her feel good?

  32. That’s one of my faves, Lea. :D

    For anybody old enough to remember the Topp Twins, there’s this one:

  33. cassandrakitty

    Think of Paulus as a gift. No matter what’s going on in your life right now, it could be worse – you could be fucking him.

  34. Think of Paulus as a gift. No matter what’s going on in your life right now, it could be worse – you could be fucking him.

    Considering I guess his age as 22, max…ugghh…

    …Unlike MRA’s and PUA’s, I like them close to my own age.

  35. Phoenician in a time of Romans

    Natural tool to satisfy a woman is a penis. Not a tongue. So simple. Or not?

    The natural tool to satisfy a woman is a brain. Everything else is just a user interface.

  36. Ladies and gentlemen, I didn´t want to be rude with anyone.

    Bullshit.

    I just follow the laws of Nature.

    Oh really?

    Penis was made to enter inside vaginas.

    Well, it can’t enter OUTSIDE them…

    Not tongue.

    You are not required to INSERT your tongue, only to apply it to the clitoris. Ever hear of that? Nature made THEM, too. And tongues work great on them.

    May I have permission to have my opinion?

    No.

  37. GrumpyOldNurse

    @ Bina – and that’s why Paulie dislikes cunnilingus, he’s been doing it wrong and doesn’t understand why no one appreciated his efforts.

  38. cassandrakitty

    He’s been sticking his tongue in as far as he can and then just sort of lying there, tongue unmoving, wondering why no appreciation was forthcoming.

  39. You know, I’ve grown to enjoy t3h c0xx0rz over the years with my hubby. But with all the amazing sex I’ve had in my life, none of it has involved a dick inserted into a vagina.

    I’d be concerned, but you know, I’m having too much fun.

    RE: Lea

    Are we posting pro-lesbian songs? Because I’m partial to this one.

    OMG I haven’t heard that song in YEARS! My queer lady friend showed it to me and I never saw it again!

    RE: strivingally

    For anybody old enough to remember the Topp Twins, there’s this one:

    OMG, I knew the original version by Jimmie Rodgers! This version’s better, though oh man it’s weird to hear the English and Southern US accents kludged like that. I definitely prefer their yodeling though!

    RE: Phoenician

    The natural tool to satisfy a woman is a brain.

    *goes to hubby, squishes brain against his head*

    WHY ISN’T IT WORKING?

  40. (I’m being jokey because the sexual technique this guy seems to subscribe to just reminds me of a guy I’d really rather not waste my brainjuices on. Suffice to say, he thought that the best way to finger a vagina was to ram his finger in hard and jackhammer it. He also tried to shove fingers up my ass because he thought it was the OTHER orifice, and had no idea what a clit was.)

    (He fancies himself an expert.)

  41. Casandrakitty,

    No matter what’s going on in your life right now, it could be worse – you could be fucking him.

    I may have to learn cross stitch just to stitch that on a pillow.

  42. cassandrakitty

    @ LBT

    If in doubt, jackhammer it! This seems to be the standard dudebro approach to all sexual problems.

  43. My wife claims to know only one (mildly) dirty joke:
    The men are golfing. One knocks his ball into a field beside the course into a patch of buttercups, and he’s pissed. He takes a giant whack at the ball; buttercups go flying; ball does not move. He swears. Mother Nature steps out from behind a bush and says, “You must not damage my flowers. If you do that again you will pay.” Golfer says, “Screw you, MN,” and takes another whack. Buttercups go flying again, but ball does not move. Mother Nature says, “I warn you …” He whacks again. Again the buttercups fly. “All right,” says Mother Nature, “for that I decree that you shall never taste butter again,” and off she flounces.
    Golfer walks out from the field, ashen-faced. His buddy says, “Well, Tom, you’re taking it pretty hard, seeing as you never really liked butter anyway.”
    “No,” he replies, “it’s not that. But I was less than a foot away from a patch of pussy willows!”

    I took the hint and we lived happily ever after.

  44. @ Bina – and that’s why Paulie dislikes cunnilingus, he’s been doing it wrong and doesn’t understand why no one appreciated his efforts.

    Yup. And I bet he’s a two-pump chump, too.

  45. Natural tool to satisfy a woman is a penis. Not a tongue. So simple. Or not?

    Let me turn this around on you:

    “Natural tool to satisfy a man is a vagina. Not a hand. So simple. Or not?”

    Do you see how silly this sounds?

  46. GrumpyOldNurse

    I love all you guize!!

  47. cassandrakitty

    Smooches!

  48. May I have permission to have my opinion?

    No.

    LOLLLLLLLLLLLL

  49. “Natural tool to satisfy a man is a vagina. Not a hand. So simple. Or not?”

    Or a mouth.

    Or an anus.

    Or the clothed body of whoever’s next to you on the subway.

    Or a Fleshlight™.

    Or a Real Doll™.

    Or…you get the picture.

  50. RE: cassandrakitty

    If in doubt, jackhammer it! This seems to be the standard dudebro approach to all sexual problems.

    I know, right? Thank god I’m with hubby now, who has common decency and doesn’t make me share the bed with his ego. I’m a monogamous man, you see.

  51. cassandrakitty

    There’s room in this bed for either me or your weird dysfunctional ideas about sex, dudebro. Both is not an option.

  52. If nature only wants sexual pleasure to come (no pun intended) via p in v, why does the clitoris exist? Please explain Paul-ass.

  53. …Why’s the prostate so heavily enervated, for that matter…Butt anyway…

  54. MRA: Er, what’s a clitoris? Is that like, oh, another hole? Please let it be another hole.

  55. It would be kind of funny to try to explain the, um, let’s just say recreational uses that can be found for the prostate to someone like Paulus.

  56. Phoenician in a time of Romans

    LBT: *goes to hubby, squishes brain against his head*

    WHY ISN’T IT WORKING?

    http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=7ukka077bg4qktnwwcr7j8uh&page=102#2529

  57. Thank god I’m with hubby now, who has common decency and doesn’t make me share the bed with his ego.

    I read that as “shake the bed with his ego” and went WAT?

    He’s not trying to talk about sex, is he? Because nobody needs to read that.

    No, thank goodness! He was on about the War Machine thread. I just posted this in the wrong spot this morning.

  58. Paulus: Ladies and gentlemen, I didn´t want to be rude with anyone. I just follow the laws of Nature. Penis was made to enter inside vaginas. Not tongue. May I have permission to have my opinion?

    The laws of nature?

    So you think we ought to be naked, and living off of raw fruits, roots, bugs, frogs, and such other things we can catch with our bare hands?

    No. So you can shut your gob about how the “laws of nature” mean squat, since you have not a clue in your miserable little brain about how they work, or what they mean.

    It’s not as if going down on each other is new. Look at statues in India, or the latin language. Heck, even “dumb beasts” like horses and dogs go down on their partners (oddly, while it’s not uncommon for males to lick their female partners it’s very rare for a female animal to provide oral pleasure to a male. They have to do that for themselves… so chalk up auto-fellatio to those, “laws of nature” things you believe in).

    You are, of course, entitled to your opinion; no matter how factually incorrect and fractally wrong it happens to be. We are, of course, also entitled to point out the folly of your ways, the idiocy of your arguments and the stupidity of your words.

    It’s right there in the header.

    As to the “real men” argument it’s bullshit. We are what we are, and if a male does it, then it’s manly, and a “real man” is doing it.

    Real men spin yarn, cook, knap flints, cuddle kittens, puppies and babies. They knit, they do dishes, wash the laundry, pick up after their partners, and after children.

    I know, because I am a man, and I do these things.

  59. Oh my this is too funny for words. This is the closest evidence that I have come across to support my suspicions that the manosphere is filled with grumpy virgin boys. Is that misandry?

  60. I have just remembered! When I was at Uni back in the day, many other women friends telling me that they refused to have sex unless there was oral sex first. Anecdotal. But I think these man childs might be scuppering their chances.

  61. @ mythagos
    ” I dunno about “self-hating”, but isn’t it amazing how much of PUA culture is about bonding with other men and talking about sex with other men, with the actual having of sex with women being sort of an icky intermediate step?”

    Yes. It’s almost as if the PUA culture is sort of self-defeating on purpose. As if the ultimate aim is to keep these males separate from normal society and healthy relationships. Cuz then they wouldn’ t need PUA right?

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