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Heartiste: Cunnilingus is for betas because vaginas are icky

Man horrified by glimpse of vagina.

Man horrified by glimpse of vagina.

Oh, Heartiste, sometimes I can’t help but wonder if you’ve been trolling us all along. I mean, what kind of master pickup guru is this squicked out by vaginas?

Eating a girl out anytime during the first few weeks of dating is beta. When you eat a girl out, you telegraph your incredible horniness for her. Men normally do not want to go down on women and bury their mouths in that fetid, humid mess unless they find her so overwhelmingly hot that they can’t help themselves.

“Fetid, humid mess?” Seriously, dude, if you hate vaginas so much, why do you devote your entire life to trying to gain access to as many of them as possible?

Women instinctively know this, so they correctly gauge that a man who goes down on them on the first date must feel he’s with one of the best he’s ever had. This, in turn, will sour a woman’s attraction for a man, since no woman in the history of the universe has ever felt raging lust for a man she believed lower than herself in value.

And you know this how? Somehow I doubt that Heartiste and his followers are getting a lot of return engagements from their unfortunate dates.

Cunnilingus later in the relationship is absolved from this rule, because you have already demonstrated your manly ability to use her strictly for the piledriving hole she is.

But isn’t her, er, piledriving hole just as icky as ever? Wouldn’t this still be a beta thing? Does any of this make any kind of sense, even if you buy into Heartiste’s Alpha-Beta claptrap?

If I didn’t already know that Heartiste was a dude in his 40s, I would have assumed he was actually a 15-year-old naif with a chip on his shoulder and a vivid imagination.

Thanks to Wrecksomething on r/againstmensrights for pointing out this Heartiste classic.

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Posted on July 14, 2013, in alpha males, beta males, disgusting women, gender policing, heartiste, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, PUA, sex, vaginas and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 304 Comments.

  1. Actresses act? I am shocked, SHOCKED I TELL YOU!

    Hehehehe. I really wonder if Paulie can tell the difference. Or if he’s even here still…just asking him to explore his body may have scared him off.

  2. Natural tool to satisfy a woman is a penis.

    (The) natural tool to chop trees is your teeth.

  3. (The) natural tool to chop trees is your teeth.

    Or your fingernails. Or your toenails. :D

  4. emilygoddess - MOD

    Natural tool to wipe your ass is nothing. Ditto for brushing your teeth. You should walk around smelling like stale shit and rotten teeth, then the ladies will really love you.

  5. Same with antiperspirant. That natural musk turns everyone on!

  6. Lee,
    You just reminded me of the Dead Milkmen song “These are a few of my many smells”. :)

  7. Lea: Hehehe. :D

  8. and that’s why Paulie dislikes cunnilingus, he’s been doing it wrong and doesn’t understand why no one appreciated his efforts.

    Everything he learned about eating pussy, he learned from ALF.

  9. Everything he learned about eating pussy, he learned from ALF.

    -falls off his chair laughing-

  10. Paulus2014 is silly. Daisies is daisies. Cat is Cat. So simple.

  11. Cat is cat. Giraffe is Giraffe. Car is car. Dumbass is a dumbass. Ummm . . . what is the point of this?

  12. grumpycatisagirl

    Ninjaed is ninjaed!

  13. Can we keep him, guys? This guy is actually entertaining!

    Paulus2014 is a dumbass. So simple.

    Keep ramming your head up your ass, buddy! You’ll find your prostate any minute now!

  14. Funny thing: in natural wolf packs, omegas and betas move out of their parents den after a few adult years and become alphas.

    Is that too Betta for you?

  15. LBT: Only if you take him for walksies, and feed him, and..

  16. What does cuckolding have to do with oral sex? I don’t get it. I agree that we should keep Paulie. He’s providing some good laughs.

  17. Alpha man is an alpha man. Beta is beta. Cuckold is a cuckold. Dyke is a dyke. So simple.

    Remember: Humans. Are. Complicated.
    The fact of the matter is? you’re afraid of not being manly enough.
    Which is why you have to be an “Alpha Male.”
    It’s overcompensating for your insecurity.

  18. Wow! Paulie, thank you for justifying David’s site by simply being yourself. You know, in the old days, like the 18 and 1900s, no one would be able to read your, um, thoughts, because publishers would have decided you are too ignorant to be commenting on the subjects you are currently commenting on.
    Humans evolved to switch and adapt according to the fluidity of every situation. Sometimes that means being a loner, sometimes that means being a team player and working as part of the group. Your binary understanding of human behavior is fucking lame. You’re a misogynist. That is all. Your dick isn’t magic.

  19. Alpha man is an alpha man. Beta is beta. Cuckold is a cuckold. Dyke is a dyke. So simple.

    Lack of effort is lack of effort. Weak sauce is weak sauce. Not bothering to even try is not bothering even to try. Having no point is having no point. I love lamp.

    Paulie has no time for oral sex, he’s way too busy sucking at trolling.

  20. emilygoddess - MOD

    I modded Paulus’s comment with the slurs.

    Also, boring troll is boring. Are you even trying?

  21. Paul ,
    Despite your fantasies of being some sort of super special man, “alpha men” do not exist. You’re just a man who is afraid that a clit has the power to steal away your make believe specialness. (I bet you think tossing someone’s salad is fatal. It isn’t. Sexual acts neither define nor destroy the people who enjoy them.) Nothing about your phobia of the magic machismo stealing clit is based in reality. You can make excuses for it, but ultimately, you have an irrational fear. There’s nothing wrong with that. If something scares you or turns you off, you have every right to avoid it. But pretending that your fear or revulsion = some natural law that doesn’t exist or that your fear makes you anything but afraid is silly.

    You’re a silly bigot. The only person taking you seriously is you.

  22. Alpha man is an alpha man. Beta is beta. Cuckold is a cuckold. Dyke is a dyke. So simple.

    w
    Paulie, do you know what “begging the question” and “unwarranted assumptions” are?

  23. Oh Paulie, I have something for you!

    Two somethings, in fact!

    Paulie, come back and see how wrong your “so simple” ASSumptions are!

  24. >>>Phoenician in a time of Romans wrote:

    The natural tool to satisfy a woman is a brain. Everything else is just a user interface.<<<

    *claps*

    Human beings are amazingly neocortex driven creatures.

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