Warren Farrell warns fellas to watch out for the “Repair Friend” Zone
Ladies! Look only at the picture of this sexy Alpha duck and do not read the post below.
Hey fellas! While we’re talking about the evils of the Friend Zone and possible legal sanctions against the women who so often and so maliciously put us there — and while the women are distracted by that picture of Scrooge McDuck above — I’d like to warn you of another kind of Friend Zone you need to be wary of: the “Repair Friend” Zone.
I learned of this danger from none other than Warren Farrell himself, in the pages of his book Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say (which amazingly does not have the subtitle “But It’s Not Like Angry Dudes On The Internet Are Going to Shut Up Any Time Soon”).
Here’s how old Warren explains it, perhaps exaggerating the innocence of the wily female Repair-Friend Zoners:
Single moms who rely on male friends for repairs — “he’s just a repair friend” — are often unaware that the man really isn’t sacrificing his Sunday afternoon in exchange for a Sunday night dinner. The truth is, if he’s making that type of sacrifice, it’s usually because he’s interested in her.
That’s right, ladies! Men never actually want to be just friends with you. Never. And when they act friendly, it’s just because they want to [insert weird creepy Warren Farrellesque euphemism for sex here]. Only instead of making a move on you they’d rather make a move on your car, and just sort of hope you’ll get the hint.
I’ve seen many single moms who have men who they claim are “just friends” work on their cars, do repairs, help them move. They think nothing of it. (Which says it all.) When she starts dating someone seriously, the “repair friend” feels hurt and her new boyfriend feels suspicious. And Mom feels caught between a rock and a hard place, so to speak.
Is Farrell making some sort of awkward boner joke here?
Anyway, for Farrell, this is somehow all the fault of women, and feminism, or misandry, or something.
This attitude rests on a deeper foundation. Just as women who are poor turn to the government as a substitute husband (in the form of welfare and AFDC payments), so women without husbands often unconsciously turn to substitute husbands, such as dads, “repair friends,”and male neighbors.
So, fellas, be careful out there. One moment you’ll be chatting casually over the fence with the former Mrs. Jones, and the next thing you know you’ll be in her basement buried deep in her washing machine trying to fix, I dunno, whatever is inside of washing machines that might need fixing, I’m not really very mechanical.
Come to think of it a female friend of mine had me change a light bulb the other day that she couldn’t reach. Granted, I don’t want to have sex with her, and also she’s fixed my bike on several occasions and sometimes brings me cake, but, still, I think I may have just been Light Bulb Friend Zoned.
Posted on May 17, 2013, in antifeminism, evil single moms, friend zone, friend zoning, I'm totally being sarcastic, misogyny, MRA, patronizing as heck, the myth of warren farrell and tagged antifeminism, friend zone, men's rights, misogyny, MRA, warren farrell. Bookmark the permalink. 692 Comments.
AK: The other situation is even more amusing to ponder. If a gay man picks up Farrell after the latter’s car breaks down on the highway, does Farrell owe him sex? I think this is a fair question that should be asked of him the next time the filthy fuckpuke manages to wrangle an invitation to a college campus.
When doing protection exercises with dogs, the person who plays “the bad guy” is almost always a man, while quite a lot of the people who compete in Swedish protection with their dogs are women. If the dog draws blood from “the bad guy” the dog’s mummy will typically buy him a bottle of whisky for compensation.
But maybe we’ve been doing it wrong all along. Maybe these poor men has been yearning for SEX in compensation all the time!
Telling men not to be human dish rags is not misogyny, it’s self preservation. These poor men are foolishly placing themselves in a position to be exploited. I’ve seen 1st hand what Mr. Farrell is talking about and it aint pretty.
So their exploitation lies in the fact that they aren’t getting sex in return? Boo-fucking-hoo.
@budmin
Um, if these guys are getting so ripped off by not getting paid in sex for helping out friends, why don’t they just say so? Just be like “Sure, I’ll fix your shower, if you’ll have sex with me after.” Why are women supposed to read men’s minds to find out their male friends consider them to be prostitutes?
Really, how fucking terrible does your opinion of men have to be to think:
1. Men think all women are prostitutes who can be paid in services for sex.
2. Men are unable to figure out that fixing things is not going to result in payment of sex.
budmin: Not. The only ones “exploiting” these men are themselves, every time they attempt to exploit women fails. If they weren’t misogynistic, entitled twits in the first place, they wouldn’t be providing aid in a only-in-their-heads pact for sex.
@AK
:D Glad to have gotten back.
@budmin
Like, dude, you just admitted they were doing it themselves. If they want sex in return for favors they should use their words. That’s what grown-ups do.
Okay, hopefully I’ve finally got this sticking to my manboobz name now…
Look, man, no one makes men offer their “help”, that’s all on them. If I say “I’ll help you move, dude” to my friend and then expect to be paid in sex afterwards, why didn’t I say that up front? It’s a manipulative strategy to try to get women to feel owed for something that was seemingly given for free.
If you don’t wanna see first hand what farrel is talking about, don’t offer your “help” just to try to make someone feel obligated to have sex with you. It’s not exploitation, it’s you being a manipulative dick.
So when dudes get together to help one another out for car repairs and moving they should all be required to engage in group sex in order to make sure the scales are balanced properly? There is this rather radical kind of solution Farrell might need to investigate it is called “I pay professionals for repairs I cannot do myself ” which weirdly enough men and women both do pretty frequently.
Yet another way that these idiots can’t tell the difference between ‘friendship’ and customer service or other transactional relationships.
Seriously, there are these things called “friends” and they help each other out. I ask for favors from my friends all the time, and they are free to say “no” if they want to. They are people, and being able to say “no” (without even giving me a reason) goes with the whole ‘being an autonomous human being’ territory. On the other side of those things, I do favors for my friends all the time. Whenever I can help one of them out, I try to do so. Like them, I am also free to say “no” whenever I want, and I do if I feel someone is taking advantage (expecting me to do work for free that I would normally be paid for, or asking me for favors all the time but always being ‘busy’ unless there is something they actively need from me, for example).
See, if you do favors for someone from time to time, and they also do favors for you from time to time, that’s a friendship. If you are doing favors for them and expecting to be paid (in sex or money or anything, beer and sushi as a “thank you” notwithstanding) you are not friends, and you are being fundamentally dishonest in attempting to get someone into “debt” to you. If you mind doing favors for people, just say no, or say that you have an hourly fee for whatever it is. Don’t do the ‘favor’ and then whine about it when you don’t get a payment you didn’t inform her the favor would cost.
…lets be fair,
Sadly enough, sex still offers *alot of men the external validation they need to justify their existence.
I’ve worked in family shealters and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that pining for any individual who can’t return your affections or who’s solely fixated on their advancement is just plane stupid.
The sooner men stop pedestalizing these women the better.
This literally has nothing to do with the Farell quote
Right. Now how is that the woman’s fault that the guy “puts her on a pedestal?”
Friendship is doing things for each other. No man should be fixing cars for a woman without reciprocity. I wouldn’t be doing those things for guys. That’s like a guy asking you to move after knowing him one day.
This idea of expecting sex in return for simple favors like making repairs and moving things reminds me of porn, not normal human interaction.
The world these MRAs envision is truly disgusting. The idea of expecting sex in return for simple favors is bad enough; there’s also the very real possibility of misogynistic men manipulating women into having sex with them. I personally would be horrified if I had to live in a world in which I’m manipulated into doing sex acts just because the man helped me get something I couldn’t reach. I can only imagine how hard it would be to trust anyone in such a world. Normally I can just laugh at the absurdity of these MRAs, but this is honestly frightening for me to think about.
And the fact that they regard as exploitative women who refuse to engage in sex acts in return makes me feel sick.
FFS, so don’t pedestalize anyone. We don’t want anyone pedestalizing us, anyway. Just treat us like normal human beings.
And I don’t give a flying fuck if some men tie up their external validation in getting laid; it still doesn’t excuse their misogyny.
@budmin
Like, I know that whole ‘putting women on a pedestal instead of treating them like actual fucking human beings’ shit misogynists say they used to do, but how on earth is this related to the supposed repair friend zone? I mean, I guess it is kinda pedestal-y to think that all women are mind readers…that would be a cool power…
@budmin
Meaning what, exactly? What question is that pablum supposed to be a ‘reply’ to? How is any of this related to the topic at hand?
No one is arguing that people, that ANYONE, ought to use anything (sex, favors, whatever) to try to coerce the “affections” of anyone else.
The idea that the problem here is that “alot” of men are just doing favors for the wrong women is crap. The problem here lies with the transactional expectation, and it goes back to the same Nice GuyTM nonsense that women are indebted to men, on terms of the guy’s choosing, for any affection those guys choose to show them.
Incidentally, congrats Marie on your new computer, and yay for being back!
Look, I agree that there exist women who merely use men for doing repairs. Because in both genders, there are people who have “friends” whom they don’t really care about, but merely use for getting certain things done (free rides to places rather than calling a cab if the “friend” has a driver’s license and a car for instance, or getting one’s computer fixed for free if the “friend” knows computers and so on). That’s shitty. And one can always advise people not to be doormats and end up in the situation of such a “friend”. If your supposed friend only calls you when zie wants you to do something for zir, zie isn’t really a friend, and your better off without zir.
So yeah, nothing wrong with advising people (men as well as women) to avoid being used like that.
It becomes misogynistic when one claims that it’s typical female behaviour to use men like this, and throws a transactional view on sex into the mix.
@gillyrosebee
Sorry but Look at the contemp these metaphorical “Nice Guys” provoke. It makes you wonder if maybe accepting favors from these dudes makes women feel low. Like their time is being stolen by an opportunistic P*begger trying to play white knight. It’s just plain pathetic.
2 parasites can’t feed off each other.
BTW, there are some dudes dumb enough to give their time/money/labor to the nearest semi-attractive 22 year old with a problem. For what? Acknowledgement?
Budmin, i’m having a really hard time finding your point, if such a thing exists. Nobody said accepting favors makes them feel low. They said trying to use favors as a way to make people feel owed is manipulative. :|
@Gillyrosebee
:D Probably I should stop hogging the thread…just is excite. Thanks :)
Also, I so cannot follow budmin anymore. Like, what is his point?
They receive contempt because they are selfish assholes who think that being nice entitles them to intimacy.
Yeah, it’s not like a man could ever want to help a woman for her own sake. Men only think about themselves.
That’s a nice (read: demeaning) view of men you have there.
Also, the woman receiving help is not a parasite. Unless you think that anyone who receives help is a parasite. Just because she doesn’t feel obligated to fuck you in return for helping her doesn’t mean that she’s a parasite. It just means that she only wants help.
This reminds me of that time I was a parasite because I asked my brother to carry one of my heavy bags…
AND THEN DIDN”T CONTRIBUTE TO HIS COMPUTER FUND*
*yes, this is the replacement for owed-sex stuff with siblings, because i’m not going to touch incest. But my brother reeaaaaaalllly wants a new computer, so he’s saving up. However, he does not think every gesture that he does that benefits me means money for him. probably b/c he’s not entitled. ;)
@ budmin, Again, I ask wtf your point is, because you don’t seem to be able to communicate clearly.
About the only point I can find to agree with you on is that the Nice GuysTM are, in fact, parasites themselves.
I have friends I can count on for things as simple a dumb joke that will make me laugh on a bad day all the way up to sophisticated advice on complex problems. Accepting this help fills me with wonder for all the really cool skills my friends have. I’m happy to have their help and happy to help them when I can.
Nice GuysTM earn contempt because they can’t even do something as simple as hold open a door without expecting something in return and whining when people don’t fall all over them with gratitude. Of course accepting “favors” from these assholes has a cost: that is precisely the point. Nice GuysTM only do things so that others will feel indebted to them.
That’s how it is so easy to tell a nice person from a Nice GuyTm. If you are truly nice, you get your ‘reward’ just from being a decent human being to those around you and don’t expect or seek anything in return.
DAMN the block quotes!
Points? We don’t need no steekin’ points
Apparently, anyone who does not participate in the transactional view of human relationships is, by definition, a parasite, because they are not intuiting the heart’s desire of the person doing the favor and providing it without putting them on the spot by making them actually ask for it.
@Unimaginative Oh, noes! You has been attacked by the blockquote monster!!
I totally get your point about the errors. It was bad enough just to try to figure out what buddy was trying to say there in that verbal thrashing about…
@Fade _”They said trying to use favors as a way to make people feel owed is manipulative”
I fully support that comment. It’s wrong to manipulate someone with kindness just to get physical intimacy, but no one calls out these women for their use of flattery and ego stroking to get what they want either.
I hate that kind of parasitism in women & I hate the weakness in men that fosters it.
Taking men at their word is, apparently, misandry.
@budmin
Where does this happen? Because…yeah I’m not seeing it.
@Fade
I can totally relate. My brother is like “I gave you some driving practice; now go do the laundry for me!” It gets old pretty quickly, especially when he’s really pushy. >_>
Have you heard of any major religion, like, ever?
Also, how are women supposed to know if they are “parasites” when men offer to help? Maybe some men actually are decent people who like helping their friends?
Because… more men whine on the internet that “DAMN THAT SKANKBITCHHO DIDN”T SLEEP WITH ME AFTER I FIXED HER CAR” than women whine “DAMN THAT MAN DIDN’T FIX MY CAR AFTER I COMPLIMENTED HIS BICEPS”.
I mean… assuming what you’re saying exists outside of misogynistic fantasy land, i don’t think softening people up with compliments is a necessarily female trait. You’re just creating a binary that doesn’t exist.
Also “repair friend” whining is on topic, if you’ll read the title. (i’m frankly amazed that we’re semi on topic). What about the imaginary women who compliment someone is not.
Also, here’s something that most misogynists don’t notice: In the binary you created, the men are feeling entitled to the women’s BODIES. You didn’t really provide an example of the women feeling entitled to men’s bodies, and I can’t tell if you mean they compliment someone to sleep with them or to get them to do a small favor. B/c one of those things is much more creepy than the other
Haha women telling friends things that make them feel good about themselves is, apparently, the vilest misandry.
Aww :( that does sound annoying. Hope he figures out not to do it soon. X|
Though either you misread or i mistyped my post, b/c my brother never normally tries to do that, what i was saying was that it would be annoying if he did do it, like the “repair friend” guys up here.
Okay, the only problem here is the idea that parasitism is solely a female trait. Some people (and sure, some of these people are gonna be women) like to use other people to further their own needs, seeing other people only as tools for them to use. These people are referred to, in the common parlance, as assholes.
Some people (and sure, plenty of these folks, though nowhere near all of them, will be men) like to help others. And I think we can agree that it’s wrong to take advantage of people.
No one here suggests that manipulating people is totally awesome. Plenty of folks, including lots of people here, will agree that anyone who uses some strategy (whether flattery and the completely illusory promise of sexual favors or some implied obligation to be polite or repay a debt) to manipulate other people into doing things for them is basically an asshole.
Why is it so important to you to insist that women are the only ones doing this and men are the only victims? Assholish behavior is not a gender-specific trait.
I evidently have to never compliment people again. Hear that Marie? From now on, all the pictures you draw are CRUD!!! Because if I tell you they look nice, it’s just to get something out of you. Probably drawing lessons.
/we draw together a lot.
@budmin
Think of it this way. Imagine a man saying “I’ll fix your shower if you’ll have sex with me.”
Now imagine a woman saying “If you fix my shower, I’ll be grateful and tell everyone how awesome, talented, and helpful, you are.”
The former is a creepy as fuck proposition that is illegal in 49 states. The latter is a friendly exchange. Making these things unspoken does not change the creep differential.
These things, they are not equivalent.
This.
Ah, I guess I did misread your post. =P
Completely.
And, while we’re on the subject, let’s not overlook the reciprocal factor here. This is kinda like the “playing hard to get” scenarios that seem to keep popping up on other threads. If someone feels that they are constantly being taken advantage of for their mechanical aptitude or cooking ability or gardening skill or computer experience or whatever, they do always have the ability to say no. It’s super easy, even my 2 year old nephew can manage it…
@budmin:
Hm. So, when a female colleague says, “hey, Bob Goblin, you’re taller than me. Can you help me reach that box on the top shelf there?”…
where is the flattery and ego-stroking? Oh that’s right, there is none. Because most men don’t require flattery and ego-stroking to help out others with tasks they’re qualified for. Most of us are just neighborly that way. It’s how communities do things.
“Sorry Bro, women are not machines that you put kindness coins in until sex falls out.”
by Caitlin O’Donnell from this
http://timesdelphic.com/2013/04/24/why-society-still-needs-feminism
My sympathies, as always!
I lucked into this situation where my housemate does my laundry, and it’s totally not creepy at all. It’s his house, and late last year he bought this brand new, super fancy washer and dryer, and he spent a week (I am not kidding, or exaggerating even a little bit) figuring out the perfect heat, agitation and time settings for every kind of clothing, to get the best balance of efficiency and effectiveness.
He made a spreadsheet and everything. XD
So now he does all the laundry (including walking it down to the basement and bringing the clean and dry clothes back upstairs) and in exchange I fold (almost) everything and leave it in piles on the dining room table.
And, weirdly, both of us seem to feel that we’ve got the better end of this deal.
@Ugh
I betcha that guy will be fixing a lot of showers pro bono…
@budmin
Ikr? True story: the minute someone else reveals you have a skill you must demonstrate that skill for everyone.
That is exactly why when my mom showed our chiropractor pics of cakes we made, our chiropractor immediately demanded us make her a cake!
oh wait that didn’t happen
And the problem is… what exactly? If he’s happy to do it, what harm does it do to you? Is every guy who does a favor for a friend automatically being taken advantage of if he doesn’t get sex for it? Maybe you never want to do anything without being compensated for it, but why does everyone else have to feel the same way as you do?
The other side of Farrell’s ranting is that he’s treating people who want to help other folks out as dupes and terrible victims instead of just taking for granted that they have the ability to decide for themselves whether they want to do favors for someone or not.
In other news, scientists <a href="http://blogs.smithsonianmag.com/smartnews/2013/01/scientists-dont-quite-know-how-this-cat-managed-her-200-mile-trek-home/"admit that cats are pretty amazing.
Although, apparently today my html skills are not.
Let’s try that again, shall we?
@gillyrosebee _”The other side of Farrell’s ranting is that he’s treating people who want to help other folks out as dupes and terrible victims instead of just taking for granted that they have the ability to decide for themselves whether they want to do favors for someone or not.,”
…Because they’ll become human dish rags…
Look, Gillyrosebee why am I getting the impression that you’re kinda’ pretty and for some strange reason your room mate doesn’t mind if you don’t always have the rent money..
Just wondering…
I don’t know… but I have a feeling the answer lies in that big ass grindstone in your hand. Nice ax, btw, very sharp.
@Budmin
I think you get that impression because you’re a misogynistic asshole, and every time (many, many times) something contradicts your world view you make up a reason that fits nicely with your confirmation bias.
Just a thought though.
See, budmin, the problem is you think you’ve successfully proved that volunatarily doing favors for someone is turning you into a human dish rag, but no one else thinks that.
When my lady friend helped me fix my car (cause she is a mechanic) does that mean she was interested in me!! Oh, nos I repair friended her! Evil feminist woman evil.
Now off to make some sushi.
as Budmin’s point is proven steadily more threadbare, he begins constructing a fantasy world around himself to make it so that he doesn’t have to face the fact that he is complaining about a societal problem that doesn’t exist.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I don’t know, maybe because you apparently think that all men are stupid. Seriously, thanks (I guess) for assuming that my overwhelming beauty gives me the power to compel men to obey my every whim.
My housemate? Totally, completely, unequivocally and absolutely gay. But hey, nice try with your threadbare stereotypes and gender essentialism.
What does it say about our trolls that they seem to consistently and overwhelmingly have a lower opinion of the intelligence, integrity and overall humanity of men than we evil, nasty feminists do?
@Bob Goblin_”So, when a female colleague says..”
Well that’s the thing isn’t it? Colleagues, coworkers and family are non sequiturs to this topic. I mean if there’s no possibility of a romantic involvement, these relationships would undoubtedly stay platonic.
Budmin, are you going to explain how voluntarily doing a favor makes you a human dish rag? Because until you do, all you’re doing is arguing that something no one thinks is true means repair friends exist.
@budmin
…why can people not date their colleagues and coworkers? Can we still date people who share hobbies with us, so long as they aren’t for money? My dad works at our karate dojo, but I just go there for fun (when my back doesn’t hate me). Which of us can date other people there? help me I am confused.
^Just to clarify, that was in response to:
This.
Because “reasons”, Fade. Besides, all men (regardless of orientation, etc) are basically helpless putty in the hands of evil, wily female creatures with ‘honey do’ lists.
Bob’s point is precisely on topic here. Your assertion boils down to any man who is asked a favor by any woman automatically becomes a “dishrag” because he is helpless to say no in the face of the potential for “romantic involvement.” That’s certainly what Farrell is suggesting; any female colleague or coworker (one imagines not family, though this is Warren “genitally caress your kids” Farrell after all, so maybe we can’t even exclude family) who asks a favor is inherently promising (but refusing) sex in order to manipulate men into doing work for free.
And you think they are basically too stupid to be able to make decisions for themselves as to who to help or not.
@Budmin
I just drove two hours through rush-hour traffic to drop a friend off somewhere. It wasn’t a big deal to me because I’m really good friends with this person. Was that dishrag-ish of me? What should I have asked for in return?
Right off the top of my head I would guess it is because you are an asshat as well as an MRA troll and is in dire desperate need of the banhammer. Criminy!