An Unsolicited Update from Paul Elam’s P*nis
Regular readers of this blog, for better or worse, know one thing that makes “Men’s Human Rights Activist” Paul Elam’s penis happy: The prospect of harassing feminists. He is, after all, the man who wrote of one feminist that “that the idea of fucking your shit up gives me an erection.”
Now Mr. Elam has given us a rather more complete account of what it is that pleases his penis. I’m not sure there was any great demand for this information, but he has chosen to release it, and so here we are.
In a post with the tasteful title “on tits, ass and fucktards,” Elam informs the world that he is in fact a fan of the first two items in this list – that is, tits and ass. He is also, he goes on to explain, a lover of
Sorry, I have to stop for a moment to remind you that you are about to read about things that give Paul Elam — yes THAT Paul Elam — a boner.
I will not think any less of you if you stop reading right here.
If you are ready and willing to continue, here we go:
I like well-formed thighs that lead up to the promise land, and smooth knees above shapely calves. Of course, all that combined with a woman’s pretty face is a crowning glory; full lips that promise supple kisses and great blow jobs, clear eyes and unblemished skin. All this combines to make a woman utterly fuckable, and visually that is what I like most of all. I like to look at women that are little fuckmuffins.
Yes, he actually wrote all that, attached his name to it, and posted it for other people to see.
But as much as Elam likes to look at “little fuckmuffins” he does not actually seem to like most of them very much.
After roughly 150 words devoted mostly to cataloguing his favorite female body parts, Elam evidently runs out of nice things to say about women, and so he returns again to his favorite pastime, devoting the bulk of the post to a rant explaining how much he hates “feminist fucktards,” traditionalist women, and women with Facebook accounts.
While happy enough with “fuckmuffins [who] are sexually liberated and adventurous” and who “like to please and be pleased,” Elam informs the world that he feels no such love for all those awful “fuckmuffins” who “liv[e] life with prudish sticks up their asses made from the same wood that forms the chips on their shoulders.”
He’s also mighty pissed at all those who aren’t interested in hearing him expound at length on what his penis likes.
Of the now almost endless list of things that have grown annoyingly stupid and sanctimonious about feminism is the Victorianesque shaming of my sexual programming as a man. Even with the so called “sex positive” feminists, the most hypocritical assholes of them all, the only positive sexuality they embrace is that of women. To them, male sexuality, in all its glory, is something to be buried, controlled and allowed to surface only when it serves the sexual needs of some narcissistic, horny, self-absorbed little “sex positive” princess.
Unfortunately, more traditional-minded women aren’t much interested in hearing about his penis either. And for some reason they, like feminists, think that there might be some sort of connection between men and rape.
Who are those traditionalists? You will know them by their obsequious silence while feminists shame men for committing the scurrilous act of looking at women sexually. Or better yet, as they join in with their “men can stop rape” bedfellows to twist and distort the natural inclinations of young men with Puritan sexual guilt that marches in lockstep with the feminist hatred of male sexuality.
Elam stops for a moment to reassure his readers that despite all that stuff about “well-formed thighs” and blow-job lips he prefers Good Women to mere “fuckmuffins.”
Now, all that being said, is woman-as-fuckmuffin all I care about? Hardly. As a matter of fact, I would throw fuckmuffin to the curb faster than you can say “patriarchy” to spend time with a woman of good character and intelligence. I have learned in life that my dick has a healthy agenda for humanity, but not necessarily for me. So as my values have matured, so has my taste in women.
Heck, it turns out he actually sort of hates “fuckmuffin.” After all, he tells us,
fuckmuffin … is prone to act indignant when she feels sexualized (by the wrong guy). She can become so angry at being “objectified” that you can see her tits shake right through that tight sweater with the neckline that plunges to the vicinity of her toes.
And then he compares her to a bug:
Time and experience will lead [men] to understand that fuckmuffin should be regarded with same respect as you would afford a stinging insect.
Basically, he explains, the only problem with lustful young men who ogle women is that they haven’t learned to hate women enough quite yet. And so women shouldn’t complain when young guys stare at them. Or when they don’t. As far as I can figure it, he thinks women shouldn’t ever complain about anything.
Leave [young men] the fuck alone. There is nothing wrong with them. Nothing needs to be fixed. If you want to help a young man like that, just start encouraging him to connect the dots between fuckmuffin’s propensity to take her own picture and post it to Facebook four times a day and her ultimate tendency to make him miserable. Eventually he will get the connection. And if he doesn’t, maybe that makes him happy. Either way, it is none of your fucking business.
And so ends what’s probably the strangest work of erotica I think I’ve ever read.
Posted on April 8, 2013, in a voice for men, antifeminism, boner rage, creep-shaming, creepy, evil sexy ladies, facebook makes women all stuck up, incoherent rage, mansplaining, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, MRA, patronizing as heck, paul elam, penises, playing the victim, princesses, self-congratulation, sex, the sound of his own voice, unsolicited penis updates and tagged a voice for men, antifeminism, men's rights, misogyny, MRA. Bookmark the permalink. 723 Comments.
These guys have no problem with the idea of inflicting sexual humiliation on the very women they describe as ideal ‘fuckmuffins.’
I’m also starting to think that MRAs have “learned” everything they know about women from Bridezillas.
Funny how he complains about male sexuality being oppressed unless it serves women, considering that in the reality I’ve grown in, everything seems to cater to the male gaze.
He also apparently thinks that the natural state of a man is creep / rapist / harasser. Which is sad, to say the least.
It’s also interesting that he seems to think that the response to everything is to teach men to hate women, instead of teaching everyone to start acting like decent human beings.
He also clearly makes no differentiation between sexualization and objectification.
Oh, and I know that feminism has a wide variety of people, many of whom I do not agree with, but in great majority of the blogs and other feminist circles I’ve been hanging around in put great emphasis on lifting sexual taboos and treating men and women as equals. I fail to see how this is a problem, unless you’re a douchecanoe who treats women as property and inferior objects who they are entitled to oohhh…
I see now.
When I saw the title I knew it was a bad idea to read it, and yet I did it anyway… Anyone got brain bleach to erase that?
…I think 90+ percent of that could be rewritten as ‘ladies, stop having needs, wants, and opinions, and just exist to please me.’
This is the same problem Sasusageboy (jimmydean) has on the not all misogynists are like that. thread. Women don’t care to make his every whim a law of the universe.
Woe is him!
“Stop being people, you stupid bitches – it’s inconveniencing me” pretty much sums it up.
Or, to put it more simply, his problem with women is that we keep getting between him and our body parts.
This, I believe, is a “lolwhut?!”. So, he sits around fantasizing about what doesn’t exist (or does and has the sense to not want him specifically), then …changes his mind, insults those women, relates it somehow to facebook and then swings (pardon me, all) his dick around to “leave men alone! we can’t help ourselves! how dare you shame us for our sex drive” or something. The description of his perfect, what was it, fuckmuffin just makes me want to know what he looks like so he can be picked apart (he could be as sexy as Rob Zombie and beautiful as Johnny Depp and it still wouldn’t matter, his personality sucks). Who lurks Facebook (!?) for hot chicks. No one should be shamed for their sex drive/sexuality HOWEVER it must be kept in check, just like my temper and smart mouth. You know what, dude, just get a hobby, something else to do than worry about sex and women. Or go work in the porn industry.
French Les Misérables brain bleach anyone:
The Facebook rant just reads like “why don’t pretty girls less than half my age want to fuck me?”.
I shouldn’t have read that while eating lunch.
I thought he was married? Hope he got the fuckmuffin of his dreams.
And furthermore, I don’t give a single fuck about Paul’s sad rage boner, its likes, dislikes, care and feeding.
Ugh. Just….. ugh….
Might I offer some brain bleach in the form of adorable baby kittens, one of which keeps sneezing?
Everything about this post sounds tragically more and more like my “nice guy” phase.
Kinda sounds like PaulE knows he can’t get young women to look twice at his old, bitter ass, and he don’t like it one bit. And he thinks women are histrionic. HA.
Ever since I saw that picture where he looks like an evil Colonel Sanders his rage-boner rants read like the worst ad campaign ever to me.
Colonel Sanders offers fuckmuffins as a breakfast item now?
Mr. Elam sounds like a bitter old fart. How many times has he been married now? Two? Three?
And Paulie proves yet again what a bitter old fart he is. How many times has he been married now?
I think my favorite part he how he bravely goes out on a limb by describing the most typical blah “fuckable” woman he can. Nice legs and breasts and lips? Most straight guys hate that stuff! 9_9
So wait, is a “feminist” in his mind any woman who does not like being treated as a fucktoy and that entirely? Because I can’t think of one I know who doesn’t fit that…
That would be a great recruiting strategy… *holds up a post by Elam* Would you fuck this man? No? Welcome, you’re a feminist!
“Wait, come back! I know he’s awful but running away won’t make him stop writing this crap!”
There are a lot less typos than I would expect from a man typing with his angry penis. I guess its because of all the practice he gets.
“Can your penis type over 60 words a minute? Apply at Elam Industries today! Health benefits, a non-hostile work environment, and a salary not guaranteed.”
The lamp-stand from “A Christmas Story” pointing the way to Bethlehem?
Does he think this is edgy, or something?
I don’t know, but I feel like they are quickly moving towards a phase where every AVfM post looks like this:
Feminists = Stalinists = climate destroyers = women = poop = that’s right, I said poop = POOP POOPY POOP = butts = snot = POOP = YOU CAN’T MAKE ME STOP SAYING POOP = why doesn’t anyone love me
“Smooth knees” is a very specific thing to like.
My next Google search after reading that was “How can I make my knees bumpy?”
Can’t say I’ve ever seen anyone get that into knees before. I always thought of them as one of those body parts that’s more functional than pretty. Presumably “smooth” is supposed to mean “young”.
Can’t talk, I’m too busy abrading my knees with sandpaper.
Maybe I’ll apply some little pyramid studs, so my knees will be both bumpy and totally metal.
I think “smooth” is also meant to imply she shaves her legs.
Huh. So Elam fantasizes about a woman who’s body is designed specifically to cater to his sexual needs… And then whines about women who feel objectified? Isn’t cataloguing a list of body parts Elam wants on his “fuckmuffin” the very definition of objectification? It’s practically a Mr. Potato Head, only a human being.
Oh, I see. Elam would give all that up in an instant if he could get a “good” woman who caters to his intellectual desires instead. Yup. Totally not objectification at all.
Or smooth as in “not messed up from giving too many blowjobs on the Alpha Cock Carousel.”
My only question now is where the heck did this:
come from? Seriously, where did it come from? Not only have I never even heard of a radical sex-positive position like this, but Elam is saying that this attitude is bad, but the desire to have a “fuckmuffin” explicitely constructed to please his penis, and presumably only his penis, is good.
I may be sharp, but I just can’t keep up with this level of mental gymnastics.
kirby: It’s not that Elam is complaining about objectifiation, he’s unhappy that women don’t like being objectified.
Maybe by smooth he means the eschergirls-esque plasticine legs that comic book heroines have. “Oh yeah, I can’t distinguish a knee-cap there at all!”
@pecunium:
Well, he’s unhappy that women don’t like being objectified when he feels they are asking for it by wearing flattering clothing. And he feels that objectification is essentially equal to male sexuality, which he feels is also under attack.
Still terrible.
I’m confused, is this better or worse if you read it in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s voice?
So he hates feminist women, anti-feminist women, women who want to have sex with him, women who don’t want to have sex with him, attractive women, unattractive women, and all the women on Facebook. I’m sensing a common factor here.
I like that he even hates the imaginary perfect woman he constructed in his head.
Funny how he complains about male sexuality being oppressed unless it serves women, considering that in the reality I’ve grown in, everything seems to cater to the male gaze.
It makes perfect sense if you think it has to be one or the other. Either men have to be enslaved to serve women, or women have to be enslaved to serve men. There is no third option where nobody is enslaved and everybody has a good time.
I can’t believe all the MRAs who complain about not being able to get laid haven’t connected the dots and figured out that the mysogynistic attitudes are the source of their sexual problems.
But maybe Im just a bitter non-fuckmuffin who takes out my frustration at mans sexuality and shames it…riiiight…
Notice that he’s wicked mad if they dare to have any sexual desire of their own, for people who aren’t him.
Then he yells at feminists for daring to ‘shame’ men for their sexuality.
Yeah, somebody is shaming people for having sexuality.
…
Him. He’s the one doing it.
/Captain Hammer
Very much this.
Shorter Elam: “I love it when a woman is gorgeous enough for me to call her a ‘fuckmuffin,’ but I hate when she knows she is. I love policing women’s preferences, but don’t you dare criticize any man’s misogynistic sexual programming.”
Logick
Reaszonz
Acccccountability
You ever wonder how guys like Elam act in real life? Specifically at parties or other social events? My guess is that they can cover up those attitudes for a little while, but eventually something slips out (say, an unironic use of the word “fuckmuffin”) that kills any hope of intimacy.
It’s a terrible shame for guys like Elam that sex isn’t mutually enjoyable. What, you’re saying it is mutually enjoyable? Crazy talk. If both people like it, how do we decide who’s winning?
If both people like it, how do we decide who’s winning?
My boyfriend and I seem to think that whoever makes the other person have more fun is winning. I suspect we usually tie but I’m not a sore loser. :D
So an attack on coercive sexuality is an attack on male sexuality itself? Hmmmm…. I wonder who the real misandrist is here.
I’d rather have a root canal with no novocaine than sex with PaulE. And that’s real.
That would be true even if he didn’t look like Colonel Sanders.
(Am I the only person who sees it? It’s disconcerting – I may not love KFC, but I expect it to be dull rather than malignant.)
The hatred for both “traditional” women and feminists really lays it out on the table:
They don’t want women to have any agency or preferences and want an obedient slave but they also don’t have to have to deal with holding up their end of the bargain, so they hate women who try to hold up their traditional prerogatives when it comes to relationship. So basically women don’t get kinds of protections.
@hellkell, at least the dentist would feel bad about it being unenjoyable! :p
I’d rather rub salt on a wound than have sex with any typical MRA.
Harsh? I guess so. But they can seriously make my skin crawl.
As a small child I split the back of my head open on a rock and had to get stitches. Would far rather go through that again than get anywhere near some angry dude’s rage-boner.
All orgasms are to be accompanied by air-horns and cheering fans.
I’m not sure I’d be able to have sex with a typical MRA… dancing around going “ew ew ew” and trying to scrub your own skin off is not conducive to coitus.
“Hey, wanna please my man boner?”
“I dunno, wanna hand me some bleach and a loofah first?”
All orgasms are to be accompanied by air-horns and cheering fans.
Is that what I’ve been hearing? Next time I’m gonna yell “GOOOOOOOOOOALLLLL!” ;D
Great… now I have to wonder about the sex-life of my italian ex-neighbour.
Damned if they do, damned if they don’t! That’s the attitude of a human rights movement for sure.
They considered calling it an erection’s rights movement, but decided that “erm” sounded like they were trying to interrupt people in a polite way, and politeness is unmanly.
I read the original article and it’s puzzling, but that is generally The Way of The Elam.
(I kinda think Paulie just enjoys typing “tits and ass” in 60 point extra bold Arial.)
What is this “shaming male sexuality” thing? Code for “you gave me stink eye when I talked about someone’s great tits in the breakroom” or women who react with disgust when I holler “nice ass!” out my car window? Or don’t respond to my dick pix sent to their phone?
I tried to read the comments, but as usual, got a case of brain hiccups and had to quit.
This comment piqued my curiosity:
“Paul, your piece couldn’t have been more timely. Barely an hour ago I had a tense discussion with one of my beloved daughters who opined that I’d ‘objectified’ attractive (French) women in ‘Two Men in a Car’. I told her I was NOT going to be shamed for being a man who publicly appreciates female beauty, something that hasn’t been a problem for 99.9% of human history, but now is a problem, apparently, thanks to hotties such as Andrea Dworkin.
We’ll get our normally wonderful relationship back on track very soon, I’m perfectly sure, but this kind of thing can get a man down. One of the challenges of being a MHRA with daughters in an era when hate-driven feminism is the ruling paradigm…”
Thank God, I never had to endure a conservation about “hot babes” in movies with my dad. There are limits.
p.s. Are they aware that Andrea Dworkin has been long gone from this planet?
When they invoke Zombie Dworkin, they lose.
@wordsp1nner
Exactly.I think two kinds of women are acceptable to MRAs: completely obedient ‘traditionalists’ who worship the ground they walk on, and women who think just like they do and agree with them on everything (like ‘girlwriteswhat’). Of course, only the first type is acceptable to more conservative or extreme MRAs. How many women fall into those categories? Not many.
As to Elam’s sexual musings: Gross. Should not have read. Need pictures of animals now.
Ewww@ the guy in the comments talking about hot women in a movie with his daughter. It’s not so much a question of objectification (though it could be), but of one’s parents talking about other people in that way.
My mother will point out hot guys in movies and it’s bad enough (especially as we seem to have the exact same tastes…)
I disagree with Andrea Dworkin in many ways, but her work is severely misunderstood. Same goes for Catherine MacKinnon, Mary Daly, etc. Radical feminism has its problems, but its also poorly understood.
Also, why can’t MRAs tell the difference between saying that someone is attractive and objectifying that person? Objectification implies a dehumanizing, bigoted way of talking about how attractive someone is. No one has to be like that in order to find someone else attractive.
MHRA?
Lemme guess. “Men’s Human Rights Activist.” [long sigh].
At least his daughters can see through his crap, apparently.
I can imagine meeting a Mr Elam type at a party, and casually enjoying twenty or so minutes of pleasant conversation with him, until he suddenly puts his hand on my ass and says, “let’s go for a walk to my car you little slut.” And when I express my shock and horror at his sudden change in demeanor, he calls me a prude or a bitch and storms off in anger. And it would never occur to him that he had done something wrong, because it would never occur to him that I exist for anything else but his immediate sexual gratification.
Ooh, I found dissent in the comments section! A gamer has entered in to the fray, and is getting downvoted quite heavily. And then there’s this.
… wow. I… I can’t.
Here’s the link he refers to in case anybody’s interested.
@Carely blue
Re: parents having the same taste as you: Both me and my dad think Lucy Liu is hot. Now that was jarring.
Luckily, he does not say it in a creepy MRA way.
How does that even come up when a family are watching a move together? Did he just go “nice tits!” out of the blue?
I feel like the reason not to regale your kids with unsolicited boner updates is less “because feminism” than “because awkward”.
Once or twice my parents and I have discussed what they found “hot” and I’m pretty sure I reacted along the lines of “eww, parent sexuality!” And I’m also fairly certain that my dad laughed at this, rather than taking it to a message board to whine about my evil feminist ways. (Probably the most evil feminist thing I’ve done, regarding their sex lives, was reassure them that seeing them kiss was not damaging my preteen psyche and encouraging them to engage in the occasional icky-but-healthy PDA. :p)
The dad probably takes issue with his feminist daughter, and takes every opportunity to provoke her… That’s the way it was with one of my parents and my atheism for a while. I feel sorry for her… hopefully she can get away from her dad’s poisonous attitude.