Men’s Rights Redditor warns men: “Be careful with your sperm. Your very freedom is at stake.”

Men: Protect your Purity of Essence

Men: Protect your Purity of Essence

It’s official: Men’s Rights Activists are more obsessed with their “precious bodily fluids” than Dr. Strangelove’s General Jack D. Ripper. Over on the Men’s Rights subreddit, many of the regulars are celebrating Boxing Day by sitting around on their computers worrying about evil predatory succubi burgling their sperm. Check out this little post, which has gotten 90 upvotes so far:


Yes, he really did just say “It’s as if your penis shoots magic IOUs every time you ejaculate.” If this is true, a lot of guys owe millions if not billions of dollars to a lot of old socks.

In the comments, other Men’s Rightsers shared their deepest concerns about the specter of spermburgling. SuicideBanana warns that the enemy may already be in your bed:


Reconstrucht worries about the money-hungry sperm-hunters lurking in bars:


And one future veterinarian contemplates giving up dating, in order to protect himself from the hypothetical women — sorry, soul sucking succubi — who might hypothetically use his future sperm in order to cash in big on his future vet money. Ca-ching!


Gentlemen: To fully protect your Essence, I suggest you ejaculate directly into a paper shredder, douse the results with hot sauce and arsenic, and pour the entire concoction into the nearest garbage disposal. Then flee the country.

About David Futrelle

I run the blog We Hunted the Mammoth, which tracks (and mocks) online misogyny. My writing has appeared in a wide variety of places, including Salon,, the Washington Post, the New York Times Book Review and Money magazine. I like cats.

Posted on December 26, 2012, in $MONEY$, cock blockade, dozens of upvotes, evil women, evo psych fairy tales, I'm totally being sarcastic, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, MRA, oppressed men, paranoia, playing the victim, precious bodily fluids, reddit, spermjacking and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 830 Comments.

  1. Sir Bodsworth: “burgle his perm” did it for me.

  2. It’s perm BURGALERS, you silly geese!

    Perm Burgalery affects millions of people per millenium, potentially.

  3. Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III

    I don’t know why it was that particular line out of all the made up statistics that made me lol.
    It just did.

  4. The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

    How many male hairdressers have been driven out of business by evil feminist perm burglars? This crime is rampant but nobody will talk about it because MISANDRY!

  5. Kitteh’s: it’s an evil plot by the feminist home perm industry.

  6. @ hellkell

    “The feminist men here are better than you could ever hope to be.’

    Better at what? Groveling for female attention. They’re better at that because they have to be. Granted there are areas in my life where it would be easier if I was a feminist or at least was friends with feminist men, but those are areas where I have to deal with unwanted female attention. The women I know just laugh at my predicament. They take this welcome to the club approach. The men I know think it’s funny too. The MRAs are as clueless about handling it as I am.

    There is this woman, who is a customer at my job, that’s been stalking me. The first time she made me a pie. It was to do something “nice” for the guys in the office. The second time she asked me if I wanted it modified. I told her don’t worry because the other people might not like it. She didn’t like the idea of me sharing it, but decided it would be “fun”. I have this funny feeling she trying to drug me. Being a former weight lifter and kick boxer, I’m not worried about her over powering me. She called my work recently and asked me to lunch. Everyone knew who it was because they said you tried immediately and really hard to get out of it. I knew she wouldn’t pull a weapon in a public place, but it’s weird sitting across from someone at lunch you know wants to jump your bone and you don’t want her to. Even the guys refer to her as my stalker.

    There’s this pretty woman at work with a gorgeous body. Every time I visit a department, I usually say high or pause a minute to chat with the people there. She never gave me the time of day. I guess she thought I was hitting on her. I figured she was hit on all the time and didn’t take it personally. She asks me to check her laptop. When I’m checking it, an image of her and another woman in a compromising position pops up. She apologizes profusely. I close the file, fix her laptop, and never mentioned it again. I haven’t threatened to tell anyone, I haven’t told anyone, I haven’t tried hitting on her. In fact I avoid her desk now, but when I’m in her area, she walks up and starts to chat with me. I feel like I violated her at least her privacy. She thinks we’re friends now.

    I’ve got the female friend who has developed this crush on me. She’s 17 or so years younger than me. She’s made appreciative comments about my body. I think she was putting me on a guilt trip when she was telling me that she’s resigning herself to a life without having a sexual experience. She’s a wonderful woman and dear friend, but not conventionally attractive. She’s basically friend zoned although I do feel bad for her and care for her. I’d consider giving her a ride on the baloney pony, but it would just confuse her. I have her a jug on Thanksgiving. Now she wants to hug all the time. I don’t want to hurt her feelings because it is just a hug, but it feels weird knowing how she feels.

    I’m not saying being an MRA is a bed of roses. I’m sure feminist guys would know what to do in situations like this, but I know that when push comes to shove even feminist women seek out MRA friends instead of feminist men. That happened when a friend’s crazy ex-boyfriend broke into her apartment and stole her dog. She told me not her feminist friends then spent the next hour convincing me she was absolutely safe and OK so I wouldn’t hunt him down and snap his fool neck.

  7. John, you are completely full of shit and possibly booze.

    As a feminist, I have exactly zero MRA friends.

  8. Argenti Aertheri

    “The lifetime numbers didn’t make sense to me because if men are 50% of current victims, how are they 20% of past victims. but whatever.”

    Simplest answer is that the meaning of current there was a specific 12 month period, and it’s always possible that the year in question was an outlier — either more men than average were raped in that year, or less women were. And the margin of error on that was nothing like “let’s double it”, more likely it was (substantially) less than 5%. So we’ll say that 1 in 20 men are raped in their lifetime, which is 5%, plus 5% of that is 5.25%

    Let’s pretend that all those rapes are without any birth control. At any given time 1 in 4 women are close enough to ovulating to get pregnant, so 1/4th of 5.25% works out to 1.3%

    Considering that the only thing you mentioned that isn’t total BS is that women could lie about being on birth control and get pregnant that way, assuming that to be half as likely as men being raped, that’d happen to 2.5% of men. Accounting for the 1 in 4 odds that she’s ovulating, works out to 0.6%. Add in the 1.3% above and you get ~2% which works out to 1 in 50.

    Mind you that’s a lot of assumptions, and with 1 in 4 women being raped in their lifetime, with 1 in 4 ovulating at the time, there’s a 6.25% chance of a woman being impregnated via rape. This ignores the rates of reproductive coercion by men. So yeah, bigger risk to women, by a factor of three.

    “If a man has on average 1,000 social interactions with women where she might acquire his sperm surreptitiously…”

    Let me finish that sentence — he should be more worried about STDs. Those rates run about 1 in 6 for herpes, 75-80% lifetime risk of HPV (generally clears without treatment), 0.015% for syphillis, 0.22% for gonorrhea annually and 0.5% for chlamydia. Assuming, say, 40 years minimum for STD risk, that works out to 0.6% for syphillis, 8.8% for gonorrhea, and 20% for chlamydia

    Translation for the non-mathematically inclined – all of those but syphillis are higher than 1 in 50 – our high estimate for sperm jacking. One thing to say to that…

  9. Argenti Aertheri

    My math apparently took to long, *sigh*

  10. OMG, please please please tell me that 1,000 social interactions with women is just talking with a woman over coffee at Starbucks…

    I don’t know about you guys, but whenever my magical Atlantis-seeking vagina wants to burgle sperm, I do it in the middle of a Starbucks. I don’t even take him to the bathroom to fuck, I just use my magical succubus powers to do it.

    Mis ter An der son, you’re a fucking idiot. Someone explain to him what’s wrong with that filthy hot mess.

  11. I skimmed what he said, hit that number and “social interactions” and stopped reading. The misreading comprehension is mine. I’m still a prude. This number was …distressing.

    Good night, all. Happy New Year.

  12. Argenti Aertheri

    “I don’t know why it was that particular line out of all the made up statistics that made me lol.
    It just did.”

    Despite all the math, yes, the nailed it for me.

  13. Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III

    If a man has on average 1,000 social interactions with women where she might acquire his sperm surreptitiously

    Man: Hey, why is your hand down my pants?

    Woman: Uh… you were walking funny, so I guessed your underpants were all bunched up. Thought I’d fix ’em. Make ’em more comfortable.

    Man: Okay. (pause) You know, you’re taking your time about it,

    Woman: Uh… You remember that scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High where Phoebe Cates… and we’re done!

    (Exit woman, fiddling with a zip-lock bag.)

    Man: Well whaddaya know. That is more comfortable.

    (nine months later)

    Man: Bill… bill… flyer… what’s this? Demand for child support! She wasn’t adjusting my undies at all! She was acquiring my sperm! And surreptitiously so, no less!


    Man: That really just doesn’t make any economic sense.

  14. Diogenes The Cynic

    “As a feminist, I have exactly zero MRA friends.”



  15. The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

    “Better at what? Groveling for female attention. They’re better at that because they have to be. ”

    Grasping that women are human beings and treating them as equals = grovelling for attention. Who knew?

  16. The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

    Oh look, Diogenes the Dumbass is trying his “neener neener neener you don’t have any friends” line again! What are you, six?

  17. @ CassandraSays

    “If a man doesn’t feel comfortable just accepting that then, like the woman in my hypothetical above, he should probably insist on using a condom too.”

    I have no problem with this as long as there is consistency of thought, but I think what happens a lot of times is that people take the position that men are required to protect themselves and that this is reasonable, but that it is unreasonable to expect the same of women.

    So telling a man who is concerned that a woman might not be truthful or accurate in birth control to use a condom is considered OK, but telling a woman not to send certain signals if she doesn’t intend to have sex, not to partake in certain behaviors like drinking because it increases the chance something bad will happen to her is considered misogynistic because a woman shouldn’t have to.

    I’m not disagreeing. Simply advocating for consistency of thought.

  18. Argenti Aertheri

    As for your friends there John, you think the rest of us haven’t had some weird ones? Dude, I’ve got an ex who spent some time in jail for sexual contact with a minor, Megan’s list, all that. Two rapist ex’s, one of whom was still stalking me as March (if any of y’all were wondering why I’ve been so paranoid about my location/ID/etc, this is why)

    Getting the picture here? Everyone knows assholes, MRA, feminist, neither, assholes happen.

  19. So… Why is saying the sun is male is “ludicrous” but saying god is male is a totally reasonable proposition?

  20. You can relax, DtC, you are likely to win dumbass of the year by a landslide.

  21. Argenti Aertheri

    “As a feminist, I have exactly zero MRA friends.”

    Fuck, I left my phone upstairs, while texting with the not-an-ex. Thanks for reminding me though!

  22. Oh Bodsy’s scenario, so much laughage!

  23. Diogenes The Cynic

    Yes, I am six. Astute of you.

  24. I’d consider giving her a ride on the baloney pony, but it would just confuse her.

    Your penis is pony-shaped and made out of baloney? Interesting…

  25. Aw, lookit. Diogenes thinks he’s being cutting. Dance, monkey, dance!

    Diogenes, you are a frothing dingleberry.

  26. Diogenes The Cynic

    No hellkell, its you who can cut to the quick.

    I mean frothing dingleberry. How can I compete with that?

  27. You can’t.

  28. Diogenes the Insipid, the sad thing is that you can’t compete with a frothing dingleberry, even though you are one metaphorically. An actual frothing dingleberry is loads more interesting than you are, and probably has a higher IQ.

  29. hellkell you ninja — you frothing ninja!

  30. “Why is saying the sun is male is “ludicrous” but saying god is male is a totally reasonable proposition?”


  31. The Frothing Dingleberry needs to be a band name.

  32. cloudiah: great frothy minds froth alike!

  33. Diogenes The Cynic


    Do you speak any languages besides English? In French, like everything has a gender. “un” or “une.”

    G-d has a male gender, and got it from Hebrew. But its in Hebrew because of some religious concepts about the nature of men and women. Y’all probably don’t want the detailed religious explanation, so unless its requested, I won’t give it.

  34. The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

    lauralot – make it the Frothing Dingleberries. Can’t leave people guessing which band member they mean.

  35. The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

    Oh give it a break, Diogenes the Theologist. Yahweh was one of many gods, male and female, before the idea of the one-and-only deity took hold.

  36. Can we start referring to him as Dingleberry the Frothing? Please?

  37. G-d has a male gender, and got it from Hebrew. But its in Hebrew because of some religious concepts about the nature of men and women

    Nothing post hoc about THAT particular explanation, nope…

  38. Or perhaps Dingleberry the Frothy would be better.

  39. Dingleberry the Frothy it is.

  40. Argenti Aertheri

    Oh, we’re doing gender and language now? Latin has three genders: male, female, and neuter.

  41. Diogenes The Cynic

    The Kitteh

    Any proof of that? Or are you just repeating what people told you about documentary hypothesis?

    How about thinking for yourself? Might help.

  42. Argenti Aertheri

    Dingleberry the Frothy then!

  43. Dingleberry the Frothy,

    How about thinking? Might help.

  44. I speak multiple languages besides English, you intolerable fucking numpty.

  45. Diogenes The Cynic


    Then you should have known the answer to your question already.

  46. The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

    LOL Diogenes, that’s rich coming from you, the failure at everything from history to maths, the one who says looking things up (ie learning about stuff) is intellectually dishonest. Do you think knowing and reading stuff is what “pull it out of your arse” means?

    I think Dingleberry the Fizzler would be better than Frothy. He doesn’t have it in him do to a froth job like the great trolls of the past, he’s just a squib.

  47. Diogenes, are you seriously saying that you have no knowledge of Roman, Greek, Norse, Hindu, etc. gods?

  48. whataboutthemoonz: +1 internet for “intolerable fucking numpty.”

  49. Diogenes The Cynic

    Read all the Norse and Greek myths when I was a kid. But were not talking about myths now. Were talking about the Bible.

  50. He probably should be Aspiring Dingleberry the Frothy, since as I have already said an actual frothing dingleberry has more worth to society. Or so I’ve heard.

  51. But were not talking about myths now. Were talking about the Bible.


  52. The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

    Oh, so the Bible isn’t myth?

  53. But were not talking about myths now. Were talking about the Bible.

    So. Much. Laughage.


    (My sincere apologies to the non troll/non atheists here.)

  54. The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

    Funny how a kid who pretends he’s a cynic can trot out such a fundy line.

  55. Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III

    Oh, god. I have a perverse love of Diogenes’ attempts to be an intellectual. It’s like watching a 97 pound weakling pick a fight with a whole rugby team. Enjoying the ensuing bloodbath is schadenfreude, yes, but… he started it.

    Dude if you’re aware that polytheism exists and predates monotheism, then you should understand that “Yahweh was one of many gods, male and female, before the idea of the one-and-only deity took hold” is a perfectly valid statement. You tool.

  56. No, clearly we’re not talking about myths (like Hinduism) now. We’re talking about a Bronze Age Hebrew deity who lives in the sky and hates people who eat shrimp.

    Was that a joke? I feel like that had to be a joke.

  57. Diogenes The Cynic

    The Kitteh

    There is a debate rule called The Diogenes The Cynic Principle.

    I’m invoking it now. The rule states that before a debate, both parties must articulate under what circumstances they would agree to their opponents viewpoint. Failure to do so means the person is emotionally, and not logically attached to their views.

    So, unless you can articulate circumstances that would make you change your mind, I’ll assume your reasons for being an atheist are emotional, and not logical.

    You don’t have to tell me what your standards are either. You just have to first agree to the Diogenes The Cynic Principle.

  58. Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III

    Oh, fuck. I thought that the “1,000 social interactions with women where she might acquire his sperm surreptitiously” would be the biggest laugh I’d have today.

    Dingleberry, just topped it.

  59. Dingleberry the Frothy thinks he can make rules now. Well, he can all he wants, but no one here’s going to listen to him.

  60. Diogenes The Cynic


    Are you aware of how ignorant you sound right now?

  61. Are you aware of how ignorant you sound right now?

    Pot, I’d like you to meet Kettle. Kettle, this is Pot.

  62. Dingleberry, are you aware of how frothy you sound right now?

  63. Diogenes The Cynic


    Yet another non-contributing post in your history of not contributing.

    Let the grown-ups talk.

  64. Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III

    Dance, monkey!

  65. Just pretending for a moment that Diogenes is making sense:

    Dude, you’re not arguing against atheism. Apparently, you’re arguing against a position of any belief that’s not based in the Bible. Completely different.

    Also: No. Please tell me. I can’t wait to hear what someone like you has to say about how I sound.

  66. Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III

    Let the grown-ups talk.

    You know any?

  67. The grown ups are talking, Dingleberry, but you insist on interrupting. Learn some manners around your betters.

  68. Dingleberry the Frothing: you never did explain the standards by which you’re judging contributions.

  69. Certainly a joke. Not a bad one either.

  70. Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III

    No, no. Everybody else has to go first.

  71. @ hellkell

    “Fail again. The above certainly can deny a woman an abortion in terms of timing. ”

    So can abortion restrictions in the third trimester. There was a case in England where a woman was convicted of inducing an abortion in the lasr week of pregnancy. Many people thought that she killed the baby after a live birth, but they couldn’t find the body and convicted her on what she admitted to.

    I suppose the callous answer would be make a faster devision, but not necessary. Just a question, how is this different from denying men access to a birth control pill if he believes that the side effects are worth the risk?

    Restricting an abortion is not much different than denying men effective contraception. I’m assuming that a pill that would make 10% of it’s users sterile is effective at preventing pregnancy.

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