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Ladies! Maintain your youthful glow by limiting your penis intake

… at least if she comes into contact with multiple penises! (Pic from The Kitten Covers; click on the pic to see the original post there.)

Ladies! Do you want to look younger? Forget green tea moisturizers and cucumber face masks and exfoliating gloves! Don’t waste your hard-earned stolen-from-men money on $200 Clarisonic Skincare Brushes or Botox or Shiseido Benefiance Pure Retinol Instant Treatment Eye Masks, whatever those are. Pickup guru Krauser, of Krauser’s PUA Adventures, offers four simple rules to help you look your best!

1) Don’t live past the age of 30!

Women possess a short fragile bloom of youth. From about age fifteen their body begins to take on a woman’s shape but it takes time for her to grow into it – to lose the puppy fat, have her hips widen, and develop the poise of a real woman – so she is kinda cute but not really able to inspire lust. Depending on the girl she’ll hit her true bloom somewhere near nineteen years old and hold it for a maximum of five years. She can continue to be sexy into her late twenties but the unmistakeable radiance diminishes.

2) Avoid “excessive careerism,” or, really, any job with any responsibilities at all:

Women are not designed to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. Look at photos of Clint Eastwood or Charles Bronson. When a man carries responsibility he takes on a weathered look that adds value. A weathered woman looks horrible.

3) Don’t drink (at least more than is necessary to convince yourself to have sex with Krauser):

Men are constituionally far more capable of holding their beer over time than women. It’s not merely because a man’s physique is less important in determining his overall value. Women who drink even 10 units a week are seriously messing up their hormones, their shape, and their skin.

4) Don’t have sex with more than one penis!

“[G]ood girls” who follow a healthy lifestyle and identify with the feminine last longer than “bad girls” who chart a path through hedonistic waters. …

Sex in itself adds to a woman’s glow but sex with different men detracts from it. A woman who gets herself fucked 500 times by one guy she loves will look good. If the same woman spreads those fucks across 30 guys she will look like shit.

Let’s do the math here:

One penis x 500 fuckings per penis  =Youthful bloom!

30 penises x 16.67 fuckings per penis = Weathered crone look!

And remember, gals, once you’ve “squandered” your “bloom,” that’s it: “Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever.”

Happily, at least for Krauser’s readers, there is no similar aging effect from contact with multiple vaginas. Evidently, the more vaginas your penis touches, the better! At least I assume that’s the case. Why else would Krauser devote his entire life to teaching those with penises how to get these penises into as many vaginas as possible?

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Posted on August 4, 2012, in crackpottery, creepy, disgusting women, I am making a joke, I'm totally being sarcastic, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, penises, PUA, sex. Bookmark the permalink. 167 Comments.

  1. he realizes clint eastwood isn’t actually dirty harry, right?

    it’s just a character in a movie

  2. If “men” should get all the vaginas they want, but “women” should only get one penis to keep their value, considering the balance of sexes in the world, id say something doesnt add up in the PUA world.

    Also, Id say most women are more than looks and sex appeal. But Im a feminist, so what do I know!

  3. he realizes clint eastwood isn’t actually dirty harry, right?

    it’s just a character in a movie

    A character who benefits from make-up, lighting, and advantageous cinematography for looking good.

    Personally, though, Clint Eastwood isn’t attractive in my book. Neither is Charles Bronson.

  4. “Sex in itself adds to a woman’s glow but sex with different men detracts from it. A woman who gets herself fucked 500 times by one guy she loves will look good. If the same woman spreads those fucks across 30 guys she will look like shit.”

    [citation needed]

    What exactly is the aging agent found in penises? Free radicals? UV rays? Beef hormones? Does each penis have its own strain, so that one cannot build a general resistance?

  5. So I should actually stick to fucking women then? Can do, misogynist dude.

  6. I’m recalled to a passage from the Hunchback of Notre Dame: “By this time she was twenty – an age at which, it is said, loose women begin to be old.”

  7. Speaking of penises, look what I found on io9: Penis Snake (Really Amphibian)!

    Probably NSFW, unless your coworkers are familiar with biology’s weirdness.

    http://m.io9.com/5931784/penis-snake-is-neither-penis-nor-snake-but-looks-like-both

  8. Now that I think about it, it actually holds true in my life. After I have sex, I don’t age backward, Benjamin Button-style. Explain that, feminists.

  9. @Rutee:

    So I should actually stick to fucking women then? Can do, misogynist dude.

    My first thought was remarkably similar. “Oh, okay, so I can date the occasional dude but just have lots of sex with lots of ladies? That works I guess.”

  10. Pretty sure the “weathered” look on cowboy actors is more about sun exposure than about the burdens of manly manhood.

    That and very careful, deliberate styling to look like a cowboy. Give “weathered” a conditioning shampoo and a close shave and put it in a nice suit, and suddenly you’ve got “distinguished.”

  11. What about those of us who really don’t care what this shallow individual think. Dead at 30? No thanks, that is when my life really got going. Blending Cosmo and every other vacuous magazine together and would still not get something as shallow as this.

  12. I’m always dumbstruck by people who don’t understand how much effort it takes to look like you put no effort in your looks. The sheer amount of make-up, exercise, diet, lighting, and careful fashion Clint Eastwood has use is astounding. Have they ever seen somebody come home after working out in the hot fields all day? They don’t look a thing like Clint Eastwood, they look like they’re about to collapse and die. And they smell like they’re already dead.

    Also, are all men just hiding some kind of secret, hyper advanced anatomy that somehow only affects half their species, because I have no idea how else they’d be able to somehow support approximately 6,000,000,000,000 ,000,000,000,000 (6E+24) kilograms on their shoulders, particularly since at that small a point, they’re probably just pierce through the surface of the earth.

  13. I’m just relived that he thinks women hit their peak at 19 and not 15. It is kind of sad that I read this and am impressed he didn’t say anything pedophilic

  14. Ugh, value, value, value. At least he doesn’t want to fuck 14-15 year olds, I guess.

    “Depending on the girl she’ll hit her true bloom somewhere near nineteen years old and hold it for a maximum of five years.”

    According to this, I should have lost my bloom and be on the slow slide towards being an unfuckable withered hag. However, bus drivers and the like constantly (try to..ahem, I’m honest me…) give me child fares (for 16yrs and under). WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

    Am I past it? Or am I trapped in some kind of not-lust-inspiring limbo? Do I gain or lose points for this? I must know so I can better trick random men into buying me all my dinners and giving me jobs I am not qualified for!

  15. You know, if MRAs are so convinced that women age as a result of exposure to penises, that should be pretty easy to put to the test. All you’d have to do is put together some photos of women of the same age, have the women in question confidentially reveal their number of sexual encounters with men to date, and then have the MRAs order the photos from least to most fucked. Assuming their hypothesis is true, they should be able to reliably get the order more correct than would be likely by chance alone.

    So what do you say, MRAs? I’m sure someone could find a handful of women to volunteer for this test. Would you take it? Or do you know on some level how ridiculous this is, but just really enjoy wanking to the idea that having sex with a woman reduces her in some way?

    (We could probably work up some even more fun tests, too, to try to figure out what aspect of penises is so bad for women. Would a female urologist be the oldest-looking woman ever, even if she’s a virgin, or do the Magic Aging Penis Rays have to be applied directly to the vagina? In that case, does wearing a condom prevent you from aging? What about fellatio? Are Magic Aging Penis Rays absorbed more or less efficiently by mouths than vaginae? Does ejaculation affect the MAPRs? Can you stay young-looking if you fuck hundreds of dudes, but don’t let any of them orgasm? SCIENCE DEMANDS ANSWERS!)

  16. Truly pathetic. What they want is to be a playah and get lots of vaginal access themselves, but have each and every, um, girl? woman? female? be a sweet li’l virgin so she won’t have anyone to compare him to. Pathetic.

    What’s worse, they spend their time actually thinking this shit up.

  17. I’m beginning to wonder why MRAs complain so much about shaming language, they use shaming tactics a whole hell of a lot more than women and feminists do.

  18. Polliwog – I always wondered why lesbian and asexual women look nineteen their whole lives.

  19. I’m beginning to wonder why MRAs complain so much about shaming language, they use shaming tactics a whole hell of a lot more than women and feminists do.

    most of what mra’s do is co-opt terminology from actual movements and then go ‘see, we’re just like them. our issues are real!”

    also puas and mras are not always the same thing. they just happen to be connected by a hatred of women.

  20. Why do these strange straight men hate the idea of women having sex???

  21. @Kyrie, it’s not that they’re having sex, it’s that they’re having sex with men who aren’t them!

  22. Charles Bronson is a very odd example to use of someone aging gracefully.

  23. @Freitag: how can we ladies have sex with them if we don’t have sex with men in general? How, I just figured out! The whole MRM is actually a lesbian secret plot to recruit women!

  24. @Kyrie, it doesn’t have to make sense to us, it only has to make sense to MRAs.

  25. Polliwog – I always wondered why lesbian and asexual women look nineteen their whole lives.

    I know, right? Whereas “barely legal” porn stars all look 75 years old, obviously.

  26. Actually, I wish one of them would pop in and explain how sex with one man 500 times =/= sex with 500 men one time each. I’m sure to an MRA there’s a logic to it.

  27. Further proving that these guys have no friends who are women or really even see women they aren’t actively (and ineptly) trying to fuck.

  28. Off topic a little, but, I do love it when misogynists try to make Clint Eastwood look like their perfect vision of a manly, man. Especially since his work, both as an actor and a director, has been remarkably feminist in the last forty or thirty years.

    (Not necessarily saying HE is a feminist, just that a lot of his directorial work is very fair and equal.)

    Even if the guy who wrote this didn’t say it outright, by lumping him in with someone like Bronson, he is generally saying that manly men should be like Clint Eatwood, “who don’t take no shit from no damn females”, but this is an image of Eastwood that has been dead for many, many years.

  29. “Men are constituionally far more capable of holding their beer over time than women. It’s not merely because a man’s physique is less important in determining his overall value.”

    I don’t find beer guts attractive. I must be shallow or something.

  30. At least his peak of female attractiveness is over 18?

    Wow, I really have very low expectations for these guys.

    Also, what in blazes is a “unit” of beer, can’t you just say “bottle”? Why do they have to write so poorly?

  31. And ninja’d. That’s what I get for not refreshing.

  32. Unlikely that he’s referring to the (UK-only?) idea of units of alcohol, being a standardised measure for how much you’re drinking- so a pint is about 2 and a half units.

  33. Myoo, he probably meant pint, but the jackass can’t write. I guess they think making their writing read like a poorly translated stereo manual is a good thing.

  34. I find myself hoping that I will, in fact, become invisible to guys like these upon reaching my 30th birthday. It’ll be really handy for figuring out which guys are douchebags and which aren’t.

    Me: “Hi.” *waves*
    Douchebag: *unfazed*
    Me: “Okay, good to know.” *walks away*

  35. You know, if FAAB people REALLY want to stay young-looking, they should go transmasculine. I regularly get taken as a sixteen-year-old (I’m twenty) and I know people in their late twenties and early thirties who are assumed to be teenage boys.

    …Somehow I think Mr. Krauser would not like this strategy. :(

  36. @Hellkell
    Huh, I think you’re on to something. If I assume they just write everything in another language and then use an automatic translator to convert it into English it makes so much more sense.

  37. Kyrie, if women want to have sex then having sex with them isn’t an achievement. I think sex to these guys is about taking something from women, and so if women don’t lose by having sex, then sex is pointless.

    I’d assume a unit is the British measurement of a unit, which is one 25ml shot of certain spirits, a small glass of wine or just under half a pint of typical strength beer.

  38. “Units” is actually used sometimes in studies in order to account for the differences in alcohol consumption across various cultures. In the US, something like 14 units is considered moderate, but the UK considers 12. Or something like that. I’m too lazy (it’s Saturday!) to look it up at the moment, but I was just reading about techniques for normalizing the numbers across different countries.

    As for the OP, by their standards I should be rendered entirely unfuckable because I’m both over 30 and have had a gazillionty partners. But I’m regularly guessed to be quite a bit younger than I am despite having had intimate secksie contact with far too many penises. Maybe the vaginas I’ve had sex with turn back the clock a bit? Or are those neutral? They only make men sexier? I’m not sure.

    I volunteer for Polliwog’s study.

  39. I guess they think making their writing read like a poorly translated stereo manual is a good thing.

    Hey, Hemingway’s poorly translated stereo manual period is very well regarded by critics.

  40. Doh! Units was repeatedly addressed. Damned my slow composition and laziness at refreshing.

  41. creativewritingstudent

    So, assuming many penises makes you old and haglike, and many vaginas makes you delightfully rugged, where do gay men stand? Lesbians? Bi/pansexual persons of all genders?

    Or is it affected by gender, so women become haglike with contact with many genitals, and men become delightfully rugged? In which case, where do people who are neither stand? Do they become ruggedly haglike or something?

    Or are these guys talking out of their butts again?

  42. I’m guessing butts.

  43. Even better, if many penises make you old and haglike, while many vaginas make you delightfully rugged, does this mean that MRAs will stop complaining that 20% of the men have 80% of the sex (or whatever the numbers were)? If them having sex means that a man might be less rugged and the woman will be more haglike, would they selfishly put their own desires for masturbation-with-a-body over the well-being of their partner?

    … I think I answered my own question… -_-

  44. Delightfully rugged : men :: old and haglike : women.

    They are EXACTLY THE SAME THING except that the PUAs don’t want to bang old men and do want to feel hot when they’re old.

  45. “Polliwog – I always wondered why lesbian and asexual women look nineteen their whole lives.”

    Yup. It’s a skill we have. (we=ace women)

  46. So really the only conclusion is that age and number of sexual partners is correlated which, uh, duh.

  47. Also, what in blazes is a “unit” of beer, can’t you just say “bottle”? Why do they have to write so poorly?

    ]

    Because they’re in a super special movement where everybody is totally super smart and knows right from wrong, and all of the other people outside of the movement are unenlightened plebians, they feel they have to use scientific lingo in order to keep up their image.

  48. David wrote: “Charles Bronson is a very odd example to use of someone aging gracefully.”

    Yes, I wondered the same thing. Bronson died on Aug 30, 2003.

    Of course, there’s that an old joke about a corpse in a casket: Oh, he looks so life-like.

  49. creativewritingstudent

    I think hags technically have to shriek omnious portents at heads of state, but yeah.

  50. @Ozy

    I’m going to start being more androgynous as soon as I have the money/knowledge/motivation to update my look, does that count as looking younger?

  51. I’ve always noticed that the people arguing that anything but monogamy would leave a lady “worn out” fail to account for that fact that monogamous people can have lots of sex, too. Now someone’s finally addressed that by… ignoring the dissonance? Implying vaginas have special penis-owner-detection properties which help decide whether to continue the aging process or not?

    Possibly even more amusing is the idea that men age by being “manly”. I’m regularly guessed to be anywhere from four to eleven years older than I am, and I’m a big ol’ mangina beta by MRA standards, so…

    Also: what the hell kind of penises have the people who named that penis snake been looking at anyway?

    @Myoo, MorkaisChosen

    We also have standard units of drink in Australia, except they’re called “standard drinks” and don’t sync up quite as well to common portions. Manufacturers have to put the number of standard drinks a bottle contains on the label.

  52. @lowquacks:

    Those penis snakes would be right at home in a tentacle hentai. Just sayin.

  53. @kirby

    So marine biologists are really into tentacle hentai? I know nothing of the genre except for “tentacle monsters rape women”, so I didn’t think of that angle. They still look nothing like dicks to me except for being longer than they are wide.

  54. lowquacks: UK units don’t match up terribly well to your average pint, to be honest, especially as strengths vary…

  55. I find myself hoping that I will, in fact, become invisible to guys like these upon reaching my 30th birthday. It’ll be really handy for figuring out which guys are douchebags and which aren’t.

    Man, I wish, but I’m 34 and I just got macked on by a PUA for the first time. It was gross as hell.

    You can tell I’m old because I think people still say “macked on.”

  56. Go away, old person, you are obviously old and that is bad.

    (I do not actually think this, I am trying to be funny because you are funny and I think that is awesome.)

  57. @Shaenon

    Ewwwwww, sorry you had to go through that. How’d you know he was trying the PUA schtick? I’ve never encountered one of these guys in the wild (or have, but they weren’t mackin’ on me on account of how I’m a dude, I guess), but I always imagine them as being shockingly obvious.

  58. @lowquacks:

    I meant more that they look that way to me, not to biologists. I can see where the biologists get it though, with the wrinkly skin that can sorta look like veins and the smoother, more bulbous head. It’s not exact, but it is a neat excuse to say the word penis repeatedly without being dirty. :P

    @Shaenon:

    Story time? :D?

  59. “Women are not designed to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.” Shame, but then who is, and what would they look like?

  60. @lowquacks:

    I’ve never encountered one of these guys in the wild (or have, but they weren’t mackin’ on me on account of how I’m a dude, I guess), but I always imagine them as being shockingly obvious.

    I don’t know if they would be shockingly obvious always… This story almost sounds PUA-y to me. Not entirely sure though.

  61. Someone who’s slightly less of a myth nerd than me would say Atlas.

    But Atlas held up the sky.

  62. “Women are not designed to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.” Shame, but then who is, and what would they look like?

    Atlas? Looks like a big dude in a toga?

  63. B)

  64. And yeah, I know it’s the sky. But hey, popular culture and that, y’know?

  65. Is there a Platonic Atlas anyway? Surely if Atlas, a fictional character, is “the dude who holds the world” enough, he can be that too, right?

  66. That brings up interesting questions. Certainly the original mythic Atlas didn’t, but yeah, there’s the popular understanding of it and the world-carrier archetype definitely is a thing.

  67. Sorry everyone – off topic – Mo Farah has just run a great race to win the 10,000m – my hands are shaking.

  68. @Hank

    There is no such thing as off topic in Man Boobz comment threads. It’s why they’re the best places on the internet.

  69. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    Also:

    Yorkshire is 11th in the medals table! :-D

  70. So marine biologists are really into tentacle hentai? I know nothing of the genre except for “tentacle monsters rape women”, so I didn’t think of that angle. They still look nothing like dicks to me except for being longer than they are wide.

    Not just rape!

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