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MRA theologian: “Mary Magdalene … fucked an alien to get preggers and got Joe the carpenter to pay for it all.”

He looks just like his father.

Welcome, my friends, to the First Church of Misogynist Crackpottery. Today’s sermon will be delivered by The Very Extremely Reverend  AfOR, visiting from The Spearhead. He has many wise words on the topics of Mary Magdalene (Mother of God), space  aliens, and cunts.

Sorry, xtainity was always a crock of shit, and I have seen inside it deeper than most….

Today, in the 21st century, we can for the first time create a pregnant virgin, so 2,000 years ago “god” was an alien, or a figment of imagination.

2,000 years ago Mary Magdalene even if impregnated via test tube in the lab on the alien space ship, gave birth via the cunt, so no tight virginity there.

Ever since then, the holy trinity…

1/ God, an ethreal being that no-one ever saw, except jesus, so if he existed he was an alien ship doctor.. eg he was NOT human.

2/ Jesus, who was NOT human, even the biblical teachings stress this point, he was not a man.

3/ Mary Magdalene, the only human, and therefore the MOST REVERED human in the religion is a wimminz, who fucked an alien to get preggers and got Joe the carpenter to pay for it all and feed and house them.

“Chivalry” in the middle ages was literally based on worship of Mary Magdalen’s cunt, and the chivalric symbology and iconography is replete with cunt symbolism, right down to the order of the garter.

The only remotely male centric tenets of christianity were lifted wholesale from other religions and beliefs and incorporated in an early example of embrace and extend.

Christianity has NEVER been a man’s religion.

Hell even the pristhood, the highest echelons of the meme, were not allowed to fuck.

Thanks to scarletpipistrelle for pointing me to AfOR’s  wonderfully imaginative theological thinking.

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Posted on July 15, 2012, in crackpottery, grandiosity, I'm totally being sarcastic, incoherent rage, matriarchy, misogyny, MRA, oppressed men, shit that never happened, the c-word, the spearhead. Bookmark the permalink. 179 Comments.

  1. Actually, only some linen is short (the “tow” linen, which is kind of cheap). People used the distaff because properly prepared linen fibers are ridiculously long–they can be basically the length of the plant itself. But you are right about the fibers not sticking together like wool does, and about the preparation process being really difficult.

    Cotton, though–cotton is short and doesn’t stick together and an absolute PIA to spin. Most Western spinning tools are really really bad for spinning cotton–Indian wheels (called charkas, at least when sold in the west) are much better, as are supported spindles. (Yes, I have a wheel. Why do you ask?)

    Here’s an article about spinning long-line flax without a distaff:

    http://knitty.com/ISSUEspring08/KSspinningflax.html

    Spinning and knitting for fun has made me really glad I don’t have to do it all the time to clothe myself and my family.

  2. I embroider, quilt and sew for fun. And having worked on a queensize applique quilt with embroidery, I can say I’m glad I don’t have to sew blankets and clothes by hand to keep my family warm!!! I’m working on that quilt when I have time and between smaller sewing projects,and its been almost a decade. Can’t say I enjoy quilting that much. Embroidery on the other hand……

    Even simple quilts take a significant amount of time to complete! And I’m a stickler for doing the quilting by hand. I’ve done some decent sized wall hangings and such, so my stitching is nice and even.

  3. I think we broke our new troll…

    All this talk about women working scared him off.

    See, this is why we can’t have entertaining trolls…

  4. We’ve been noticed: “Eric July 15, 2012 at 20:16

    Just as a side note, the moron Futrelle found the quote of his fellow-moron AfoR above; and highlighted it as representative of the MRM position on Christianity. Ignoring, of course, AfoR’s 30-or-so downvotes.

    Make of it what you will”

    I still want to hear why Price contradicted the Dalai Lama on his own stated opinions and what history of Tibetan Buddhism he has read, if any.

    Why are these guys simply, factually, wrong so often?

  5. I think we broke our new troll…

    All this talk about women working scared him off.

    Maybe he just drove off in the truck that he had to buy.

  6. We’ve been noticed: “Eric July 15, 2012 at 20:16

    Just as a side note, the moron Futrelle found the quote of his fellow-moron AfoR above; and highlighted it as representative of the MRM position on Christianity. Ignoring, of course, AfoR’s 30-or-so downvotes.

    Make of it what you will”

    I see that owly has posted a comment in that thread, but neglected to throw a hairy conniption fit at AfOR’s musings regarding Jesus’ provenance… but if he notices Eric’s comment, he’ll probably sidle on over to here and blow a gasket over the picture that accompanies David’s post.

  7. “Ignoring, of course, AfoR’s 30-or-so downvotes.”

    Actually Dave did mention this. And why does he refer to AfoR as a “fellow moron?” Is he on our side, now? Are the MRAs officially disowning him and cutting him loose from the MRM?

  8. Ha. It didn’t have 30 downvotes when I posted this.

  9. Also, they complain I misrepresent them when I quote things that have 60 upvotes.

  10. I haven’t seen so much Christianity fail in a long, long time. I’m an atheist and even *I* know more about Christian mythos than this MRA-hole.

  11. CassandraSays

    Has Mr Al given us a link to the feminists who believe that JFK was assassinated by aliens yet?

  12. Regarding hymens: I remember when I sat through a lecture on dog breeding at the university of agriculture. The professor explained that sometimes, when a bitch is to mate for the first time but suddenly pulls away from the male, it’s because she has some “tissue” in her vagina that makes penetration difficult. When the male tries to enter she will experience pain and pull away. This is NOT NORMAL, we were told. NORMALLY there is no pain involved and the bitch is totally fine with everything. So IF the bitch feels some pain and as a result pulls away, it’s just as well that she doesn’t mate and pass on those genes.

    I was thinking to myself that okay, you describe it as “tissue”, but we’re obviously talking about a hymen here.

    I think that when it comes to humans it obviously varies a lot whether you feel pain at all your first time and if so, how much pain, and there’s no point in calling one thing normal and another abnormal. But there IS a widespread belief that the first time you have PIV it’s ALWAYS painful, or even that it OUGHT to be painful, that’s how things are SUPPOSED to be… so it was pretty interesting hearing somebody talk about a different species, and thereby being free from all these culturally enforced ideas, and just going “pain is NOT NORMAL”.

  13. Regarding Mary escaping judgement for premarital sex by claiming she was impregnated by God; the Bible mentions that in Jesus’ hometown people wouldn’t really accept him as a prophet, they thought he was just an ordinary guy. So that rules out people being okay with Mary’s pregnancy because they thought it was supernatural. They probably just thought it was Joseph’s baby, and since Mary and Joseph were married when they got him that was allright.

    Besides, in connection with the passage (it was such a long time since I read the Bible now that I don’t remember which passage, but probably somebody else in the thread does) where people in Jesus’ hometown doubts that he’s a real prophet, it’s mentioned four named brothers of Jesus, and an untold number of sisters. The most obvious interpretation of that passage is that Mary and Joseph simply went on to have several children the ordinary way after Jesus. But there’s this strong catholic tradition that Mary was a virgin her entire life, and they’ve had to make various fanciful interpretations of said passage to explain it.

  14. Stevie’s truck fail was the best laugh I have had in a while.

    Thank you, Monsieur Blue.

  15. OM freakin’ G Stevie is awesome. My greatest internet achievement was when I genuinely convinced a Tea Partier, on a thread about how funny it was that Tea Partiers were calling themselves Teabaggers and didn’t seem to know what teabagging was, that I was an Ohio resident who had come up with a new form of conservative activism called a Cleveland Steamer, complete with lines about ‘getting it off your chest’ and ‘steaming loads of conservative justice’. He went off to tell his friends about it in real life and came back a couple of hours later, to his credit very good-humoredly, saying ‘I think you might have been having a little joke with me.’

    But I was actually trying to make that guy look stupid. Stevie just picked up that ol’ ball and ran with it as fast as his little legs could carry him, didn’t he?

    And anyway, it’s not a truck – it’s a series of tubes. /noughtiesmeme

  16. Concerning the “Aliens built Stonehenge”-story… it reminds me of Wally Wallington who’s swinging around multi-ton stones with nothing but wooden levers.

    Conspiracy Theorists consider people to be much less ingenious than they actually are. But then again, history class sort of does make it sound like intelligence and common sense were something that humanity only gained when Industrial Revolution was in full swing already.

  17. He claims to have a better knowledge of xianity than most but confuses Mary the mother of god for Mary magdalene. They are two different people

  18. creativewritingstudent

    Besides, in connection with the passage (it was such a long time since I read the Bible now that I don’t remember which passage, but probably somebody else in the thread does) where people in Jesus’ hometown doubts that he’s a real prophet, it’s mentioned four named brothers of Jesus, and an untold number of sisters. The most obvious interpretation of that passage is that Mary and Joseph simply went on to have several children the ordinary way after Jesus. But there’s this strong catholic tradition that Mary was a virgin her entire life, and they’ve had to make various fanciful interpretations of said passage to explain it.

    Either adoption or spontaneous generation…

  19. And how come you can put words in those block things and I can’t?

    Because you’re stupid and can’t figure out basic HTML?

  20. Hi everyone. I’ve been reading posts here for a few hours over the past couple of days, having stumbled onto Man Boobz from another blog. I’m a little shell-shocked. The sheer hatred of the MRAs, their inability to view women as human beings … it’s a bit much. Especially when I consider the men in my life, who are kind, funny, decent, loving people who do not view relationships as market exchanges. David, keep up the good work. And all you intrepid commenters, too!

  21. Someone beat the MRA’s to “Jesus was an alien”. In the novel “Rendezvous With Rama” by Arthur C. Clarke, one of the characters is a member of The Church of Christ Cosmonaut, which believes that Jesus was an alien. I don’t remember their beliefs being explained beyond that. Damn science fiction writers, they think of everything first.

  22. thebionicmommy

    Besides, in connection with the passage (it was such a long time since I read the Bible now that I don’t remember which passage, but probably somebody else in the thread does) where people in Jesus’ hometown doubts that he’s a real prophet, it’s mentioned four named brothers of Jesus, and an untold number of sisters.

    That’s from Mark 6: 2-7. Most protestants say that the brothers and sisters of Jesus are Mary and Joseph’s children, and that Mary was not a virgin after marrying Joseph. I think the Catholic interpretation of it was that brothers and sisters really meant cousins.

  23. howardbann1ster

    I think the Catholic interpretation of it was that brothers and sisters really meant cousins.

    The catholic interpretation is that the Greek is fuzzier. I don’t know Greek, of course.

    Maybe he just drove off in the truck that he had to buy.

    He’s off to buy a truck, because we told him we would have no truck with him if he was foolish, and that brought out his truculent side….

    PS: the sci-fi Prometheus had a plot twist about alien Jesus, mostly implied. (I can link you to follow-up reading if that confuses you) So… Jesus as a xenomorph!

    “I baptize you in the Holy Spirit!” (releases the facehugger)

    …this has been my blasphemy for the day. Thank you.

  24. I would personally rather hang out with liberals who think the universe is vast enough that alien life may be out there, and possibly more advanced than we are and capable of visiting earth, than with conservatives who believe humans and dinosaurs were alive at the same time.

    Of course, I’m a dirty liberal hippie feminist who worships Neil deGrasse Tyson, so that probably makes me a conspiracy theorist in Stevie’s eyes.

  25. Our friend AfOR’s tendency to think that all women named Mary are the same person led to me having “Mary Has A Little Alien” on loop in my head yesterday. This was inconvenient, and I’m holding him responsible for the resulting irritation as my brain tried to make the words fit the song.

  26. (minor Prometheus spoilers, kind of)

    @extraterrestrial biological entity princess

    Someone beat the MRA’s to “Jesus was an alien”. In the novel “Rendezvous With Rama” by Arthur C. Clarke, one of the characters is a member of The Church of Christ Cosmonaut, which believes that Jesus was an alien. I don’t remember their beliefs being explained beyond that. Damn science fiction writers, they think of everything first.

    That was the planned plot for Prometheus, too. The Engineers were mad at people for killing the messenger they’d sent to put humanity back on track. The final plot was more subtle and leaned more towards holey than holy.

    Also, there’s a guy in my family who won a ute in a soft-drink competition not too long ago. Now, he had to buy a two-litre bottle of Pepsi or somesuch, and send a text message, and a ute’s not really a truck per se, but it’s pretty close.

  27. +1 to whoever made the Homestuck reference earlier.

  28. Hi Estraven! :)

  29. Hi Fembot!

  30. The First Joe: There are so many levels of funny here.
    I particularly like where peeps are gleefully correcting AFoR’s bizarro version of a fictional cult book as though it was actually For Realz.
    Comedy gold!

    Ignoring the people who believe in the various aspects of that book (and the real world consequences of disagreements over sacred texts)… have you seen arguments about canon in various fanfic communities?

    Seraph: Mitzvot is plural, so sex with her husband would be a mitzvah (sing.)

  31. To expand a bit, there are 613 specific mitzvot, having sex with one’s spouse is only one of them, hence it being a singular mitzvah, no matter how much is happening. It’s also not a mitzvah if one of the partners doesn’t want to have sex, and a host of other things. There has been (what a surprise) a lot of Talmudic discussion on the subject; not all of which I am completely familiar with (kashrut,that’s I’m getting pretty good at).

  32. Stephen Blue: So this is how “tolerant” ManBoobz behaves when they don’t like someone! Is this person’s beliefs any more absurd than all the liberals and feminists who believe Stone Henge was made by aliens?

    Nope, and we make fun of those people too. It’s not so much that I care what they believe, but what they do with that belief. It’s why some Christians bother me, and some don’t. It’s why some Jews bother me, and some don’t. It’s why some Mormons’s bother me, and some don’t.

    It’s why most people’s beliefs don’t bother me at all, because most people don’t make a point of insulting me with their beliefs.

  33. Argenti: I’ve yet to meet a branch of Christianity that didn’t teach that women should be submissive though (I’d guess that Unitarians probably don’t, but I haven’t met any and thus can’t really say).

    Quakers (Unprogrammed. I have no experience with Programmed Quakers; they are a different beast altogether).

    Pillowinhell: I miss having garden space. I used to have a 1/4 acre in cultivation, and the chickens, geese and fruit trees. We never had to buy squash, or tomatoes. Dried corn for meal and bread and puddings and, rosemary, and basil, and tarragon and mint (in pots, on concrete), and lettuces and onions and garlic, and all of it taking a couple of hours a day; plus the time breaking ground to level for planting, and the scything of the spring weeds; because California is a paradise for plants, and the pecans (which have to be shucked out of the flesh of the fruit) and I was putting in a lot of work for that, “free food”.

    But still I miss it. A little mess of herbage in pots is so not the same.

  34. Stephen Blue: You’re kidding, right? Plenty of wishy washy liberals and patriarchy conspiracy theorist feminists believe all kinds of things along those lines, from Stone Henge to alien abductions.

    Citations needed. Show us some people who are claiming this; also show the relevance to feminism, and the feminists who don’t say it’s daft because some other feminist said it.

    That’s why I try to be tolerant.

    I’d like to see that.

    real life (you know, that thing ManBoobz never want to be part of)

    Citation needed. I’m so far behind in Manboobz that I am three days behind this thread because I had more “real life” than I wanted. I’ll be out doing some more “real life” in a couple of hours, until then I amuse myself.

    Which is also real life. Newsflash, what people do with their lives is real. Be it letters, the net, sitting and knitting, petting their cats, taking a walk, smithing a gun, filing their knife collection, organising the lint drawer, etc.

    It’s all real life, because real people are doing it. Saying it’s not… is shaming language, and pretty fucking much not “tolerant”, which someone recently said they try to be.

  35. I spin (drop). I flat out ain’t gonna do linen. I’m trying to figure out which (compact) wheel I’d like to get, so I can more easily spin when we’re watching something on the television.

  36. I don’t get the truck joke. I asked urban dictionnary but it doesn’t help. I feel dumb. Help?

    Lol at the idea that NWO is a secret feminist who have been trying to make MRAs look bad by commenting obsessively on Manboobz, whith the occasional creepiness of erection about children. And it has been, what, two years?

  37. Kyrie: To, “truck with” is to put up with, tolerate.

    So Rutee said that men got more tolerance in some areas than women, and our hero didn’t get it, in a big way.

  38. thanks.

  39. I’m not a Christian myself, but all my current friends are, and since this is going to bother the shit out of me: isn’t it the OTHER Mary who was Jesus’ mother? I’m about 99.999% sure Mary Magdalene was his disciple. So right away, big hole there.
    If someone else already addressed this, sorry.

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