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Men’s Rights Redditors defend a guy who says he punched his sperm-stealing girlfriend

Potential spermjacking victim.

So the other day – on the day colloquially known as “April Fools Day” – a Redditor using a throwaway account posted a most unlikely story to the Men’s Rights subreddit. Under the self-explanatory headline “My girlfriend just tried to steal a used condom to impregnate herself and is now threatening to call the police on me. PLEASE Help!” the newly minted Redditor ineedhelpnow1234 told his tale of woe.

Earlier in the day, he wrote, he and his girlfriend

had sex and I got up to go the bathroom and throw the condom out and then went back to bed. She got dressed and also went to the bathroom. I could see when she stepped out that she had something in her hand. I asked her what it was and she started yelling how she had the used condom and she was “finally going to get the baby I deserve” and then started running for [the] door.

Apparently that’s how women talk in MRA-land.

And then ineedhelpnow1234 added a rather important detail he somehow neglected to include in the headline:

I freaked out and ran after her and caught her at the door. My mind was racing, and she was about to get out. I panicked and hit her in the stomach and then took the condom forcibly from her hands.

Emphasis mine. He continued:

I’m not proud of what I did, but I was FREAKED out in the moment and she was about to escape and I just did what I thought I needed to do.

She caught her breath and left and now she’s been calling (I haven’t answered) and texting me saying she’s going to call the police and have me arrested unless I have sex with her without a condom.

Later, she allegedly left him this alleged voicemail message:

You fucking bastard, how dare you punch me for what I’m entitled to! Call me the minute you get this god damn message or I’ll call the fucking police and end your future. CALL MEEEE

Naturally, there were more than a few readers who looked at this tale – filled with credibility-straining details that seemed tailor-made to arouse MRA indignation — with a skeptical eye, and called “troll” on the whole thing. But quite a few of the locals took the story seriously, and offered serious advice.

Some simply repeated the standard dude advice “don’t stick your dick in crazy” and others, with a little more imagination, suggested that in the future he carry around hot sauce to squirt into his used condoms lest another lass try the same dastardly sperm-stealing trick.

But quite a few of the advice-givers recommended that he simply lie about his assault, and pretend it never happened. DisRuptive1 thought that simple denial would be enough to get him off the hook:

HateAllThePeople suggested that he go on the offensive:

NotC – presumably also not a lawyer – suggested that the impending threat of spermjack-blackmail would allow him to get a pass on the whole punching-her-in-the-stomach thing. But that he should lie about the incident that never took place anyway, wink wink.

Others offered their heartfelt support:

And suggested that they would have done the same thing:

One commenter had the temerity to suggest it was a tad hypocritical for all these Men’s Rightsers to suggest that a man lie to protect himself. But that commenter was quickly shot down.

Luciansolaris was one of the few who suggested the OP fess up to the assault – and defend it in court both as a logical and justifiable reaction to the situation, and as a case of temporary insanity.

I may have missed it, but I don’t think there was a single comment suggesting that, even under the circumstances, punching a girl in the stomach so hard it leaves a bruise was a terrible thing for this probably fictitious spermjackee to do.

A most revealing discussion, Men’s Rightsers.

EDITED TO ADD: ineedhelpnow1234 has returned to r/mensrights to tell everyone that 1) he’s not a troll and that 2) he was arrested. Make of it what you will.

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Posted on April 3, 2012, in $MONEY$, evil women, hypocrisy, men who should not ever be with women ever, men's rights women's auxilary, misogyny, MRA, oppressed men, precious bodily fluids, sex, shit that never happened, spermjacking, violence. Bookmark the permalink. 302 Comments.

  1. @katz: Oh, I’m not trapped. I invented a time machine! I just can’t show it to anyone because the feminists won’t let me.

  2. “Hi, Miaminice. I used to be addicted to a drug. Am I likely to become a murderer?”

    I’ve had addicts in my family and none have killed anyone so far. They have created havoc in their own unique ways, however. Addicts tend to do that. They’re not a lot of fun to live with.

    BTW, most felons are male, and the majority have substance abuse issues. So is there something wrong with being male (radical feminists have put this idea forward)? Or something about substance abuse that caused them to get jail time (my opinion based on research)? Or is it the female dominated culture that we live in that creates more male felons (which would be the MRA stance)?

  3. Trolls I Did Not Expect On Manboobz, Part A Zillion: Carrie Nation.

    Except Nation at least had the grace to attack bars, instead of going after addicts and telling them what damaged dangerous people they are.

  4. These are your ONLY THREE OPTIONS. Nothing else can explain or contribute to crime stats!

    I repeat, what in hells do you mean by “defending your own addiction,” Miaminice? I’m inclined to believe Lauralot’s interpretation, but I’d rather hear it from you.

  5. I can’t read all the comments now, but I want to let you know that I invented void, copyrights and patents, all three of them being protected by copyrights, patents and very hungry dogs.
    You can keep your electrons, protons and neutrons, I own the void between them.

    I also invented ideas, Gods (all of them), and heat.

  6. I’ve had addicts in my family and none have killed anyone so far. They have created havoc in their own unique ways, however. Addicts tend to do that. They’re not a lot of fun to live with.

    That’s nice. Could you maybe address the rest of my post beyond the first sentence? Those other sentences were actually not just decorative.

  7. Miaminice, “behavior issues” are not necessarily “brain damage.”

    Brain damage causes behavior issues. Did I say ALL?

  8. Brain damage causes behavior issues. Did I say ALL?

    You made a blanket statement. Own your shit.

  9. So are you defending your own addiction?

    That’s a stupid statement, and a complete misunderstanding of what I am putting forward. I’ll reiterate what LBT said, correlation does not equal causation.

  10. “That’s nice. Could you maybe address the rest of my post beyond the first sentence? Those other sentences were actually not just decorative.”

    No but they’re not all that bright either.

    Why don’t you go to the sites I posted, they might have an answer for you.

  11. “BTW, most felons are male, and the majority have substance abuse issues. So is there something wrong with being male (radical feminists have put this idea forward)? Or something about substance abuse that caused them to get jail time (my opinion based on research)? Or is it the female dominated culture that we live in that creates more male felons (which would be the MRA stance)?”

    Um… I choose Option 4.

    Option 4, unfortunately, is a big mix of poverty, the War On Drugs, a culture that glamorizes many forms of violence, plain old bad personal choices, and a lot more things more complicated than “a certain sector of humanity is fundamentally broken so let’s all hate them.”

  12. Translated Miaminice: MY ARGUMENTS ARE SUCH BULLSHIT THAT I CAN’T EVEN OWN THEM. CLICK THESE LINKS!

  13. Option 4, unfortunately, is a big mix of poverty, the War On Drugs, a culture that glamorizes many forms of violence, plain old bad personal choices, and a lot more things more complicated than “a certain sector of humanity is fundamentally broken so let’s all hate them.”

    Then we should all be felons, because we’ve all been affected by most of these issues.

  14. A lot of addictions DON’T cause brain damage, anyway, unless you consider the addiction itself to be damage.

  15. Miaminice, I’m getting drunk tonight in your honor. Not even kidding.

  16. Oh, just fuck right off, Miaminice. I don’t even know why you’re here.

    On behalf of all the former addicts in my life, most of whom are doing great now, no thanks to assbags like you, FUCK YOU.

  17. Hey guys, I’m selling a bridge! Any takers?

  18. Translated Miaminice: MY ARGUMENTS ARE SUCH BULLSHIT THAT I CAN’T EVEN OWN THEM. CLICK THESE LINKS!

    I own them. The fact is that you’re a complete ignoramus who screams in caps and won’t bother to look at a source that might contradicts your pov.

  19. There’s also the different ways in which we socialize men and women. The way a family’s financial troubles are seen as a man lacking in manhood.

    Substance abuse can be a contributing factor, but it’s usually just part of the background picture.

  20. So I’m taking antidepressants as prescribed to me by my doctor, and I’m taking the measured dosage once per day at the same time each day as described.

    And I’m addicted! If I skip a day or two by mistake, I feel miserable and sick and shaky and irritable! I’m SATAN!

    Miaminice: Knowing addicts who were shitty people does not give you the right to declare all addicts to be the scum of the earth. Go fuck yourself.

  21. Estimated time to meltdown for Miaminice: 6 hours

  22. I’ll buy your bridge, Lauralot! Unfortunately, I only have a cheque for $2000 more than the bridge is worth. How’s this: I’ll send you the cheque, you send me the difference and the bridge!

  23. Katz, I’ll say 3, if the hammering keeps up.

  24. The fact is that you’re a complete ignoramus

    Oh, the fucking irony.

    Hey idiot: I saw your sources. They’re bullshit, and so are you. Now kindly die in a fire.

  25. Then we should all be felons, because we’ve all been affected by most of these issues.

    Wow, there’s some shit logic if I ever heard it.

  26. No but they’re not all that bright either.

    Really? That’s what you’re going with? “I don’t need to address your argument because you’re a stupid-head, I CAN’T HEAR YOU LA LA LA”?

    That’s so boring. If you must troll, please troll better.

  27. Viscara, that sounds perfectly acceptable. By the way, guys, I have a very important warning to pass on about Mentos and Diet Coke. DON’T try them together. That’s how that kid from those cereal commercials died.

  28. “Then we should all be felons, because we’ve all been affected by most of these issues.”
    Then why aren’t all addicts felons?

    Also, even if you’re right, your approach is crap. Telling addicts they’re brain-damaged monsters who might be serial killers is no way to help them. You’re not going to motivate anyone to recover that way, you’re just going to feel really superior to people who are still addicted and now feel even more isolated and self-hating.

  29. Lauralot, I thought what killed them was Pop-Rocks and Pepsi.

  30. lauralot, did you hear that great Bill Clinton joke?

  31. FYI everybody, the only way to ensure there is no violence ever is for everyone to live in a bubble off of water and gruel and never have any contact with anyone ever. I’ve invented the human bubbles. I’ll link you a YouTube video I have supporting the human bubble. It’s in elvish, but I can translate for you.

  32. @Katz: Gosh, I’m not sure! I’ve heard so many.

    @hellkell: I thought the Pop-Rocks and Pepsi were what made Marilyn Manson lose an eye and replace it with one of his testicles? Was that before or after he had a set of ribs removed so he could auto-fellate?

  33. Substance abuse can be a contributing factor, but it’s usually just part of the background picture.

    I am a bit on the morbid side and read a lot about serial killers, one of the things that is mentioned is frequent substance abuse. Never read anything that conclusively links substance abuse to the actual killing though because I think the substance abuse is used to NOT kill more than it is used TO kill. But that is merely my impression and it is worth the paper it is written on. (In other words, I am probably 100% totally and utterly wrong and am okay with admitting that. Especially since I never have done any research or studies.)

  34. Also, if you wanna get REAL fucked up, you should pop a tylenol/panadol with coke!

  35. Miaminice doesn’t have to deal with Shadow’s criticisms BECAUSE.

    Also, Miaminice doesn’t seem to differentiate addictions to heroin, crack, caffeine, nicotine, Xanax, etc. It’s just ADDICTION y’all.

  36. DON’T READ THIS You guys, I’m really sorry to have to do this, but if I don’t pass this message along on at least five websites, then a heron will fly into my kitchen at midnight and make a mess of my pots and pans. And if you’ve read this, the same will happen to you if you don’t pass it on!

  37. Yeah, if you factor caffeine addiction into the picture, half of America are probably serial killers.

  38. This one time my grandma didn’t get her coffee and then I had to help her hide some bodies behind the playhouse. She gave me fifty cents and ice cream for it!

  39. @princessbonbon

    when I say part of the background picture what I mean is:

    a) substances (and even substance abuse really) is part of the larger culture in most societies, so you can literally throw a rock and hit someone who abuses.
    b) substance abuse is one of THE most common coping mechanisms, especially for those who have no access to, or can’t afford, professional help. So the chances of someone who’s disturbed also abusing substances are astronomical (if I remember right, substance abuse is the disease with the highest comorbidity)

  40. Guys you have to sign this petition against bonsai kittens! We’re trying to send it around the world 10 times!

  41. So earlier I needed to write a note to myself and I didn’t have any paper so I wrote it on my palm with a ballpoint pen and now I think I may have given myself INK POISONING. You guys what should I do?!

  42. I was addicted to antidepressants for a couple years, in the sense that I took them every day and had a hell of a time withdrawing from them.

    I wonder if I’m a brain-damaged felon now? I mean, ADDICTION!!!1!

  43. This is a fascinating thread, which leads me to propose a new testimonial page for man boobz.

    Here’s mine:

    “man boobz: I came here for the mockery, but I stayed for the in-depth discussions of logic, morality, and the scientific method. Oh, and the regular troll evisceration.”

  44. I need my coffee every morning, or I get headaches. How close am I to going on a murder spree? BECAUSE ADDICTION.

  45. i am addicted to coke zero.

    and my anti-depressants.

    and slash fiction.

    clearly i am doomed to become a mass cereal murderer any day now, esp. if the coke zero runs out.

    you only think i am kidding.

  46. Man, I wish I came to this thread earlier. In an astoundingly improbable event orchestrated by the capricious universe we live in, I happen to be taking a class on addiction.

    Alcohol seems to work by limiting the amount of information a person can deal with. If the most salient feeling currently is anger about being laid off, you’d likely punch the boss that laid you off without thinking about the consequences of doing so. On the other hand, if the most salient emotion is depression, you’d likely break down crying instead.

    This is how alcohol can have such a variety of effects even on the same individual (we still don’t know exactly how alcohol effects the body; it could be the alcohol, it could be the toxin that alcohol metabolizes to). If you’re doing something like watching tv while drinking, you’ll be focusing on that rather than any worries or stresses you have and you’ll “forget your troubles.” On the other hand, if you are only drinking and do nothing else, you’ll probably be focusing on those other troubles and nothing else.

    (Look up “Alcohol myopia Steele Josephs 1990″, third link down for the source)

    No, this does not imply that alcohol causes people to kill others.

    BTW, most felons are male, and the majority have substance abuse issues. So is there something wrong with being male (radical feminists have put this idea forward)? Or something about substance abuse that caused them to get jail time (my opinion based on research)? Or is it the female dominated culture that we live in that creates more male felons (which would be the MRA stance)?

    Wow… How about 4) the types of people that commit felonies are also the types of people that abuse substances? Whenever you have a correlation, you can try to explain it as “A causes B,” “B causes A,” or “A and B are caused by something else.” As to why most felons are male, take that up with a culture that cultivates aggression as a prized male attribute and submission as a prized female attribute.

  47. Is it just me or is there this trend lately of a new commenter showing up, making a handful of comments designed to imply that the commenter is more or less “with us,” but which nonetheless seem a little off, and in less than a week pretty much losing their shit over something?

    Okay, okay, it’s been two. Two is probably not a trend. Still, it’s weird.

  48. i drink like a fish and we all know i’m amazing

  49. Incidentally, googling “Amen Clinic” produces some interesting results, chief among which are various links for “Amen Clinic Scam.”

  50. The fact is that you’re a complete ignoramus who screams in caps and won’t bother to look at a source that might contradicts your pov.

    guys the self-righteous bully is getting all huffy. clearly you’ve all gone to far.

  51. Guys, I think I might be addicted to water. I need to drink it, every day, sometimes as many as eight glasses worth! I’ve found if I don’t have water, I go through some severe withdrawl, I can’t think straight, my throat gets dry, and I’m tired and hungry more easily. What should I do? I might lash out any moment, I mean, ADDICTION!

  52. Ostara321, clearly you are an evil, evil human being. You better go lock yourself up before you kill us all.

  53. You’re probably right. I just need to find myself a dark, depressing dungeon somewhere to have someone lock me up and throw away the key.

  54. Then source it, because I’ve never once heard of this “alcoholism causes mass murder” nonsense. Books are all well and good, but they’re not medical research.”

    I’ve already sourced it. I mentioned James Milam. I mentioned Thorburn, who sources Milam and many others.I figure it’s up to you to read it.

    So, Miaminice is defending the idea that “alcoholism causes mass murder.”

    “I drank fairly heavily pretty much every day my senior year of college. I guess I’m five years overdue for becoming a serial killer.”

    That’s a stupid statement, and a complete misunderstanding of what I am putting forward. So are you defending your own addiction?

    So, implying that “alcoholism causes mass murder” is a stupid statement, and a complete misunderstanding of Miaminice’s point. Gotcha.

    Wait…

  55. Dude, if booze turns people into murderers, Pennsic would be a literal (instead of figurative, all in good fun) bloodbath. Hells, most SCA camping events would result in mass slaughter. And yet all these people, most of whom have some kind of armament – an eating dagger or stake hammer at least – manage not to kill each other in drunken rage. I have personally been to camping events where people got so smashed that they debated leaving sake out for the bear that had been spotted in the park.

  56. It’s like how no one who goes to Oktoberfest is ever seen again.

    Oh wait…

  57. The Amen Clinic is pretty much a quack clinic, the guy who runs the place is obsessed with the idea that a particular outdated form of brain scan can diagnose pretty much every issue ever. My therapist gave me his book on ADD to read, where he claims that there are six types of ADD (there are only two, he made up four of them by conflating other commonly comorbid disorders like depression with ADD). In any case we don’t know enough about the brain or mental illnesses to diagnose the vast majority of mental health issues from brain scanning (unless it’s caused by something like a tumor or a lesion).

    Also for those who are saying they were “addicted” to anti-depressants– although stopping them can sometimes cause a discontinuation syndrome, anti-depressants aren’t truly addictive in the medical sense. It’s nitpicky, I know, but it’s a common misconception and is one of those things that makes people more afraid of medication than they should be

  58. These are your ONLY THREE OPTIONS. Nothing else can explain or contribute to crime stats!

    “Never liked multiple choice tests. They don’t allow you to have deeper thoughts than those of the person who wrote the test.” -Neil deGrasse Tyson

    Of course, don’t expect deep thoughts from an MRA. Expect childish generalizations and name calling.

  59. Going back to the OP, someone on the Reddit thread recommends jury nullification.

    Of course.

    After all, the law against punching people in the stomach really is fundamentally unjust and immoral.

  60. Kendra, the bionic mommy

    Kladle, it’s off topic, but I wanted to tell you thanks for the cool drawings. I tried to message you back at the forums to say that, but my messages are stuck in the outbox for some reason. Anyway, bravo on your illustration of my encounter with a T-rex.

  61. Okay, you know what, Miaminice? I’ve read a lot of books on sexual assault and some on serial murder. I can’t call all of them to mind because I read them years ago, but I do recall one thing that was made very clear, and that my therapist reiterated to me: sometimes these people use alcohol or other drugs in order to lower their inhibitions about whatever it was they intended to do. Do you know what that means? It means the sexual assault/murder/etc. was something they already wanted to do and they intended to do it. The alcohol and/or other drugs did not make them do it. All it did was lower any fears they had about being caught and drown out any possible guilt. They’d have done it anyway; they just didn’t want their emotions to get in the way. Alcohol and other drugs do not turn a good person into a bad one. A person’s choices do that.

  62. AntZ, if we’re all so very irrelevant, why do you keep engaging us in conversation?

    Folks, I think Miaminice may have gotten the causation backwards. Clearly, serial killings and mass murders cause alcoholism. After reading hir bullshit, I definitely need a stiff drink.

    Unrelated: I invented your mom. Worship me, peons! :)

  63. I got your message, Kendra, don’t worry! Thanks so much, I’m glad you liked it! :)

  64. I invented invention.

  65. I invented the hot, dense state that precluded the Big Bang.
    WHAT FUCKING NOW?!

  66. I invented the previous five universes, but am tired so you all can invent the new ones!

  67. Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III

    I’m addicted to caffeine. If I go more than about 24 hours without at least a cup of tea, I start getting headaches. If I go 48 hours, yeah, I guess I do sometimes wake up in a pool of blood.

  68. I invented the infinite regress!

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