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Heartiste: Totally dominate your woman by farting in bed and pretending to kill her cat

Cartman demonstrating male dominance and creativity.

You know how in Cosmo they have all those little guides on how to spice up your relationships? Well, now the douchebag PUA guru Heartiste has helpfully prepared a guide of his own.

[T]hanks to the wonders of game, men can limit their relationship energy requirements while maximizing the impact each unit of spent energy has on women’s interest levels. In layman’s terms, men can easily spice up relationships (and dates) with almost no effort by employing the drive-by tease.

Here are a few of his tricks. I am not making these up. These are actual suggestions as to ways to “spice up” relationships written by a man who is reportedly in his forties. He starts off fairly mild:

Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower.

Then he starts getting mean:

Put a “pinch my butt” post-it note on her back as she’s heading out for work.

Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving. (Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills.)

The rest of the list is a mixture of the stupid:

Paint a picture of her. With great fanfare, unveil a stick figure drawing.

Replace her cosmetics with crayons.

The puerile:

Draw smiley faces or penises on her tampons.

Honk her tits. Make loud honking noise. Bonus points if you use an air horn.

Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.

The surreal:

Put her panties on her cat (Don’t put them on the dog if the dog is yours. There are some lines not meant to be crossed.)

And the just plain assholish:

Pretend to throw her cat out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)

Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak.

Heartiste then explains the SCIENCE behind all this idiocy:

The drive-by tease is, typically, the non-verbal equivalent of the cocky/funny neg. … The DBT subliminally asserts male dominance as well as creativity, both of which are catnip to women. Dominance assertion is telegraphed in any act where the subtext is “I don’t care if you’re offended by this.”

Really? Drawing a smiley face on her tampon “asserts male dominance?” Farting demonstrates creativity?

In any case, I have a few suggestions for women whose boyfriends actually do any of this shit in an attempt to show what awesome dudes they are:

Take a shit in his underwear drawer. Claim it was the dog, even if you don’t have a dog.

Throw his Xbox360 out the window.  (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)

Make him a BBQ sandwich, using menstrual blood instead of BBQ sauce.

Leave him.

Actually, you’d probably do best just to skip directly to that last one.

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Posted on March 22, 2012, in alpha males, bad boys, creepy, idiocy, kitties, masculinity, misogyny, PUA, shit that never happened. Bookmark the permalink. 302 Comments.

  1. Shadow:

    when I went down to NY last year, I met a bunch of great people, but I also met a bunch of people that’d shake in their fuckin boots when I just asked them for directions.

    The British comedian Lenny Henry (who’s black, 6’4″ and heavyset) did a routine about something similar – he said people in NY would look petrified of him until he opened his mouth, and then it was “Wow, a black guy with an English accent – hey, come over here and listen to this!”.

  2. RE: Shadow

    Ah, yeah, I have no trouble believing that. Being white, it’s also pretty much a given that I’m going to notice less.

  3. Really, it’s no surprise that NWO would take exception to the idea that a woman could do better than dating a complete shithead. Much like Fartiste himself, he has a personal stake in them believing they can’t.

    That and his obvious need to justify his shitty behavior by convincing himself that all men are as terrible and disgusting as he is.

  4. Did someone say they could do better?

    (Kind of a spoiler warning for things you might spot in the background. Clips from the last two seasons of Who and both seasons of Sherlock.)

  5. This isn’t the first time NWO’s shown rage at the idea that a woman might want to decide who she dates. He got kicked off Captain Awkward’s (amazing, btw) blog by ranting and raving that it was never okay for a woman to break up with a guy for so petty a reason as being unhappy with the relationship.

  6. Hey Holly! I remember NWO pulling that stunt! Wasn’t there a little more to that story than just her not being happy?

  7. You know what I dream of? The day all the fathers and mothers of MRAs come down to the basement and confront them about their online habits.

    “Look honey, that Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club was cute when you were six years old and talked to your stuffed tiger, but don’t you think it’s time you grew up? We got you a restraining order and a therapist. No, we don’t care if you think they’re part of some underground feminazi conspiracy, it’s for your own good.”

  8. @Wetherby

    If only I’d known, I’da got my British friends to do all the talking XD It’s funny because my uncle was also visiting New York at the same time and he was surprised that I’d come across that kind of reaction. We teased him that it was probably because my aunt’s British so she was protecting him, but maybe it was his British accent instead XD.

    @Rogan

    50/50 actually. Not being Black, things like the confederate flag, and other Antebellum South related racism doesn’t affect me as much, so I’m sure I was kind of glossing over that aspect of racism in the South, so you would definitely pick up on that stuff much better than me.

  9. I forgot to say:
    Tom Cruise disagree with the drawing stick idea. In Vanilla Sky he does the opposite: Penelope Cruz and him (I forgot the character’s names) say they’re going to draw caricatures of each other, she does it but he draw a pretty portrait because she sooooooooo perfeeeeeeeeeeeeect. Love ensue. I’m not sure to remember is sex does to.

    (but then again MRA would qualify him immediately as an uber alpha as he is rich, young, single, handsome and has a hot female sex buddy)

  10. white hispanic people still get a worse deal than white people.

    True. Martin Sheen probably would have had a harder time in Hollywood if he’d stuck to his birth name of Ramon Estevez.

  11. Lu: We’ve had her checked out, she seems to be fine. She’s just… crazy.

  12. Oh holy fuck! Has anyone read the latest at Spreadhead? Read the comments section….oh a black young man was shot by a white person…oh look at all the murders balck people inflict on each other.

    Nope. No racism here folks. Also the OP was about marrijanna use and single mothers and how that conytributes to black boys being messed up.

  13. Like…..? Elam has outright said that he’s not interested in reason or debate, and that trying to be engage people civilly like Warren Farrell does is ineffective. What course of action does that leave you?

    Theoretically, this leaves a host of non-violent, but non-civil, actions. Protest is the first that leaps to mind. The problem isn’t that he’s not interested in ‘reasonable debate’, the problem is that he’s interested in violence (In a vaguely deniable way) and that he is just a hateful moron trying to tear down what women have gained.

    “Look honey, that Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club was cute when you were six years old and talked to your stuffed tiger, but don’t you think it’s time you grew up? We got you a restraining order and a therapist. No, we don’t care if you think they’re part of some underground feminazi conspiracy, it’s for your own good.”

    What do you have against Calvin and Hobbes? XD

    (IIRC Watterson thought that when they were 16, Calvin and Susie would be dating. And whether or not he did, I do XD)

    Re: Hispanic not being a racial category, it’s kind of irrelevant. “Race” is socially constructed and meaningless on its own. Whether or not ‘hispanic’ is a racial category in the US (which means what, exactly?), people discriminate against hispanic people as what is ultimately a matter of race.

  14. Rutee: I don’t know if you’ve seen them, but someone did four C&H ‘sequel’ comics that are amazing and awesome: http://www.pantsareoverrated.com/archive/2011/05/10/hobbes-and-bacon/

  15. AntZ trying to recruit in the comments…priceless.

    The thought that some PUA wannabe is going to pretend to murder his date’s cat in an effort to get laid…horrifying.

    BTW I’m with Cassandra – if a dude threatened or pretended to hurt one of the hounds I would *not* fall into bed with him. I would alert the authorities of a potential serial killer, possibly after eliciting his history of bedwetting and fire setting.

  16. Hey Holly! I remember NWO pulling that stunt! Wasn’t there a little more to that story than just her not being happy?

    Here’s the stunt in question:

    http://captainawkward.com/2012/01/10/question-170-should-i-break-up-with-my-boyfriend/#comment-6228

    The LW’s problem pretty much boiled down to “My boyfriend is really nice and sweet, but I don’t feel attracted to him or in love with him,” and CA advised them to break up. It wasn’t really about “trading up” at all but simply about recognizing when a relationship isn’t working.

    NWO, of course, believes that women shouldn’t be able to just up and leave a guy, because shoes:

    Typical mentality of modern day western women treating a man as an accessory. This pair of shoes is kinda dull and dingy and doesn’t exite “me” anymore. I can do better. So your “new shoes” are now all shiny and exciting, for now at least. This “new” accessory will now need to maintain it’s “shinyness” plus it’ll have to compare better to the old shoes at all times. Eventually you’ll want even “better shoes” if the opportunity should present itself as exciting and new.

  17. What do you have against Calvin and Hobbes? XD

    Absolutely nothing. Calvin and Hobbes is a wonderful thing.
    But if Calvin held on to his GROSS club and ‘all girls are stinky’ views past adolescence, I imagine he would grow up to be a sad sad man, to the point that Hobbes would leave him for good. And that just breaks my heart.

  18. And, thanks to you guys, I’ve just spent 45 minutes laughing my ass off reading Calvin & Hobbes. Bless you

  19. Same here, but with Pants are Overrated. It’s really good.

  20. NWO: You guess that things will get worse? This is the same intellect that claims he designed an automated system for checking steel quality for an automobile manufacturer, and is an autmomations genius, and spends his time being flown around the country to work in some aspect of milk production?

    The guy whose brilliant idea for how to make things better for men is to punish women? Who thinks all will be peaches and cream if a woman who insults a man is beaten, and a woman who defends herself is beaten to death?

    Good thing you aren’t any better at guess than you are at speaking spanish, or writing russian.

    Good thing you are better at guessing than you are at living up to the demands Jesus made of his followers in the Gospels.

  21. Crumbelievable

    Theoretically, this leaves a host of non-violent, but non-civil, actions.

    Not wanting to debate is one thing. Saying that you’re going to eschew reason is quite another . If you’re not interested in reason, that means that you’re not interested in rationality, which never leads to good things.

  22. srsly? Someone bought it and did it? DFAQ is this bull***???

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