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NWOslave is the 2011 Man Boobz Troll of the Year!

Pic borrowed from Monsters and Kittens. Click pic for original.

 

Well, the votes are in, and the People’s Choice is clear: NWOslave is the 2011 Man Boobz Troll of the Year!  Not only that, but he won in a landslide, racking up more votes than both of his opponents combined!

He wins a little tiara, though he need to buy it and pay for it himself.

But fans of David K. Meller and Arks, do not be disappointed — there are more awards to come, and the winners will be announced over the next couple of days. Do not be surprised to see one or both of these trolls winning something quite special indeed.

In the meantime, in celebration of NWOslave’s awesome win, I present to you the latest edition of the NWOslave Book of Learnin’, as created and maintained by the redoubtable Shaenon! The entries below all reflect things that NWOslave has taught us all in his many, now award-winning, comments on Man Boobz. Read and learn!

 

The Book of Learnin’
Indispensable Facts About the Universe from NWO
Awards Season Edition (Not for Resale)

Science

Evolution is impossible, because otherwise we’d be able to watch dogs evolve into super-dogs. Unless anyone can produce evidence of dogs with super-powers, evolution is a myth.

The theory of evolution claims that life came from rocks. It also states that evolution doesn’t occur anymore because rocks are no longer in make-life mode.

The theory of evolution is the same as the Big Bang theory, which is also impossible.

In the animal kingdom, females entice males with their spectacular plumage and elaborate mating displays.

Female animals cannot feed themselves and rely on males to support them. Even in cases where this seems untrue, the males are still tougher. For example, female lions do all the hunting in the pride, but if they come across a really tough enemy, like a hyena, they run and get the male lion to fight for them.

Mathematics

Feminists claim that one in four women is raped in college. But since college lasts for four years, you have to multiply that by four. Therefore, feminists are really saying that 100% of women are raped in college, which is obviously untrue, not to mention proof that women are bad at math.

There are only three percentages in statistics: 0%, 99%, and 100%. In statistical analysis, all numbers should be rounded to one of these three. COROLLARY: If people notice this and start suggesting that you’re just making your statistics up, it is mathematically acceptable to add some other really high numbers at random.

“Zero-sum game” is a fancy term for a game that ends in a tie.

There are two kinds of numbers, quantative and qualative.

Medicine

Children are lined up and injected with a dangerous chemical called flouride to make them stupid.

Mammograms cause breast cancer. Doctors advise women to get mammograms at least once a week until they develop cancer from it.

Many hospitals are open only to women and children. They’re not maternity/pediatric hospitals, just regular hospitals run by people who refuse to treat men for no reason.

All drugs and medication are unsafe except marijuana.

Male suicide is caused by society trying to feminize men, which makes them so depressed they kill themselves. Before modern feminism, suicide was practically non-existent.

After an abortion, the fetus is chopped into pieces and thrown into the nearest river or lake to feed the fish.

If the FDA worked, we’d have cures for cancer, diabetes, and every disease and ailment. Since we don’t, it’s not doing anything useful and should be abolished.

All therapists are women and feminists.

Education

Reading is not taught in American public schools.

Public schools offer two kinds of math: traditional arithmetic and New Math. Children are allowed to choose which one to learn.

Before feminism, male children were not required to do homework or pay attention in class. Homework and paying attention were invented in the 1970s to get boys in trouble.

Before feminism, schools did not have hall monitors.

How-to courses on homosexuality are taught in public schools. This is how people become gay.

Men are not permitted to work as teachers in the U.S.

The University of Cincinnati and all University of California schools have gotten rid of their engineering and computer science departments and replaced them with women’s studies and gender studies.

Thanks to the power of Title IX (see Law), all but two colleges in the U.S. are assembling organized Sex Police Forces made up of female students and faculty. There are plans to extend this program to grade schools.

There are twice as many teachers and half as many students in U.S. schools as there were 20 years ago. These teachers spend class time walking around in their underwear to arouse elementary-school boys.

History

Ancient Greece, Rome, Persia, and China under the Ming Dynasty were extremely progressive, feminist societies. That’s why they collapsed.

Before modern feminism, rape was a rare occurrence and almost unheard-of.

All wars in history were started by women nagging their husbands to invade other countries to get pretty dresses.

The Americas were discovered by Queen Isabella, who ordered every man in Europe to sail westward to get exotic jewels, perfumes and silks for her. It was a stroke of luck that Columbus found land before the entire male population of Europe perished in a watery grave.

Lynchings in the American South consisted of women accusing men of rape because they were man-hating feminists. Race had nothing to do with it; it was just as easy for a black woman to get a white man lynched as vice versa. In cases where the man was lynched on an accusation from another man, the lynchings were justified.

In 1919, women took control of all levels of government and law enforcement. Since then, every law in the U.S. has been written and enacted by women. There have been no male politicians, judges, or police officers for over 90 years.

The CIA imported feminism from the Soviet Union by publishing Ms. magazine and Miss Mag and channeling funds to a woman named Gloria Steinen.

Any history text written after the early 1500s is an unreliable source.

Linguistics

The word “suffrage” is derived from the verb “to suffer,” because voting is hard.

Spanish and Russian use the same alphabet. The Russians just have a funny kind of handwriting called cryillic script.

Arts and Literature

The Iliad is the story of how Queen Helen of Troy ordered two armies to fight over her. It is based on a true story.

The classical Greek play The Bacchae is a celebration of the roving lesbian gang that murdered the musician Orpheus. It is based on a true story.

The musical Chicago is a polemic about how men should be shot to death. It was written by a female college student last year.

All horror movies are about a pretty girl being stalked and assaulted by an evil man. In the end, she kills him and walks away alive.

All TV shows have the same plot as horror movies, except that the pretty girl is assisted by an all-female investigative team, with a single man in charge. At the end of every episode, the victim sits in a one-way mirrored room, watching the chained-up man with a smug look on her face. Then one of the women from the investigative team squeezes her arm.

Fashion

Most girls and women over the age of twelve wear see-through tops and micro-miniskirts on all occasions. Although their skirts are so short their genitals hang out, they do not wear underwear.

Women only dress to attract men—all men. If a woman leaves the house in clothes, she wants to have sex with any man she meets. Men, on the other hand, never dress to look attractive.

Women become sexually aroused by wearing clothes.

Law

All U.S. law, from the Constitution down, has been supplanted by the extremely powerful Title IX, a law requiring that all educational, government, and private institutions be 100% female. Title IX has its own police force, which is exactly like the Nazi SS. This takeover of the government was orchestrated by Russlynn Ali, Assistant Secretary for Civil Rights in the U.S. Department of Education, who now rules the U.S. as supreme dictator.

Laws in the U.S. and Britain are made by a panel of unelected advisors, who commission an independent legal review. Once the review is published anywhere, it becomes a law.

If the names on a contract are in all caps, those people are legally corporations. If they’re in mixed case, the contract is invalid.

Requiring people to take a vision test to get a driver’s license is an atrocity on the level of the Holocaust, Pol Pot’s genocide, and the famous Communist massacre of Christians.

The United States is a communist dictatorship. If it were a free country, people wouldn’t have to pay taxes or get licenses to drive.

Each law has its own police force and legal system. For example, if you urinate in public, the special Urination Police will arrest you.

Crime

False reporting of rape is the most serious and common crime in the U.S. The most common reasons for a woman to make up a rape accusation are cheating, revenge, excuse for missed homework, lateness, work absence, and attention-getting.

The average man is falsely accused of rape and thrown into prison without trial on a daily basis. Available statistics say otherwise because the true numbers are kept under wraps by the CIA.

Gay people are fifteen times more likely than straight people to be violent criminals. All the worst serial killers in history were gay.

California has replaced its women’s prisons with spas to reward female criminals for committing crimes.

Economics

All financial crises are caused by the Federal Reserve, which is run by the Rothchild family.

All the real-estate speculators who caused the housing bubble were women.

Maternity/paternity leave is the single biggest drain on the economy. If companies got rid of parental leave, it would create enough wealth that all women would be able to quit their jobs and be full-time mothers, like they’re supposed to.

There are no poor women. Whenever a woman needs anything, she sits in the middle of the street and cries, and passerby throw food and money at her for free.

Women control 80% of the world’s wealth, thanks to all the crying.

Business

Because of Title IX (see Law), businesses with government contracts are required to hire only women to meet gender quotas.

The few businesses owned or run by women are nonprofit organizations dedicated to hurting men.

Charitable Giving

For every dollar women donate to charities to help men, men donate ten billion dollars to help women.

There are only two kinds of charities in existence: charities that only help women, and charities that only help women and children.

Women give a trillion dollars a year to charities, but these “charities” actually fronts for the huge corporations these women own. Economists are still trying to determine how women can simultaneously run all big corporations and only run small man-hating nonprofits.

Nonprofit organizations operate by photocopying fliers, posting them on walls around town, then sitting back and waiting for the money to roll in. Even though the average nonprofit doesn’t do anything else, it’s much too hard for a man to start one, because men are so oppressed.

Government

Everyone takes orders from the U.N. and the Jews.

Without government, homosexuality would not exist.

Foreign Relations

In war, women act as “cheerleaders” for both sides at once, goading otherwise peaceful men to fight. These women have no political goals or opinions; they just like watching men die.

Russia is the “deathplace capital of the world” for men because feminism was invented there (see Feminism). It is the most feminist country on earth.

All taxes in Scandinavian countries go toward women’s causes. Scandinavian grade schools have a holiday where girls are given cookies and ice cream, while boys are given stale matzo. Men in Scandinavian countries are imprisoned for farting.

Portugal and Spain are populated mostly by brown people.

Judaism is a nationality.

Marriage and Family

Somewhere in the U.S. is a place called The Ghetto, where between 70% and 99% of households consist of unemployed single mothers living entirely off welfare. Also, everyone in The Ghetto is black. Sociologists are still struggling to determine why women in The Ghetto don’t support themselves as other women do, by sitting in the street and crying until people throw stuff at them (see Economics).

99% of feminist marriages end in divorce.

The vast majority of violent rapists come from female-led households, because the feminist indoctrination boys receive in such households makes them so angry they have to go out and rape people to let off steam.

When you get married, the government owns you through your marriage contract. This is why the government can make divorced people pay alimony and/or child support.

Fatherhood is illegal in Britain and there are plans to outlaw it in the U.S. soon.

Religion

Judaism is the most aggressively evangelical religion on earth. Less than 5% of Jews are ethnically Jewish, while the rest are recruited from the tireless Jewish recruitment efforts.

Catholics worship the Virgin Mary.

In the story of Jesus saving the adulteress from stoning, the moral is that sinners deserve to be stoned.

Pedophilia

All child molesters are either women or gay men. Straight men are never pedophiles.

Prepubescent girls desperately want to have sex with middle-aged milking-machine technicians. They advertise this desire by wearing swimsuits to the beach.

Feminism

Feminism is a highly organized international movement created in the Soviet Union and currently funded by the United Nations.

Phyllis Schlafly has worked tirelessly throughout her life to promote feminist causes.

Predictions of the Future

Someday a straight white man will beat up a lesbian for molesting a five-year-old. Everyone in the world will sympathize with the lesbian and immediately legalize child molestation.

In 100 years, white people will have gone extinct because white women didn’t reproduce enough. Archeologists discovering the remains of Western culture will laugh at us for letting women have rights.

Thus concludeth the Book of Learnin

Also, here’s a cat in a tiara:

Kitty in a tiara!!

 

 

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Posted on December 31, 2011, in inspiring, open thread, self-promotion, TROOOLLLL!!. Bookmark the permalink. 167 Comments.

  1. If it makes anyone feel any better, I was born in Pennsylvania, and lived the earliest part of my life there. My sorrow at sharing a state with him, in any way, is great.

  2. Jill the Spinster

    Well as a dog fan, rather than a cat fan, I believe we have already bred super dogs!

    Although they technically dont have “super” powers, over the past hundred/thousand years we have bred generic dogs to have such specialised skills such as herding, retrieving, fighting, pulling sleds, hunting, drug sniffing dogs, or to be cute little fluff balls that sit on people’s laps and do nothing :)

  3. Jill the Spinster

    I also love how NWO doesn’t believe the number of people who voted, it has to be a Conspiracy!!!

  4. As someone from PA, I am sure glad some other state gets to put up with NWO now. Whatever that state is. Texas??? One of the myriad accounts NWO’s had banned says he’s from Tennessee. Anyway, wherever the heck you are now, Mr. Slave, stay there and don’t come back. We have enough problems as it is. (I am looking at you, abortion restrictions bill.)

  5. Hey, I’m from Pennsylvania too!

    I am staggeringly unsurprised that NWO’s acceptance speech consists of dramatically declaring that he’s going to address the Book of Learnin’ point by point, then getting bored a couple of items in and posting random links about Title IX instead. This is why he’s the champ.

  6. Love, love, LOVE NWO’s Book o’ Larnin’ response. A rough analogy:

    Manboobz: “NWO, you are jaw-droppingly ignorant, risibly unintelligent and poor at forming arguments, nauseatingly bigoted and hateful, stultifyingly dull and repetitive, deeply unlikeable as a human being in general, and a terrible dresser.”

    NWO: “Such perfidy! Allow me to respond in full: I am not a terrible dresser. Pwned!”

    I know we all enjoyed the Br_ndon challenge, but I think NWO (and probably most other trolls, but particularly him) should be held in moderation until he has (i) actually responded to someone else’s point without veering into painfully obvious subject-changing or obfuscation, and/or (ii) actually conceded a point when he has clearly been proven wrong on it to any remotely objective observer. To my recollection I don’t think he’s ever done either.

  7. kiki: I think the fundamental difference between Brandon, and the rest of trollish sorts is one of focus. NWO may be confused about how things like laws are made, and what the difference is between a UN committee and the US gov’t., as well as being unable to admit he has ever made a mistake (e.g. spanish and russian using the same alphabet, which he seems horribly hung-up on proving some sort of not-wrongness; even to the point of herniating himself with the distance he’s had to move the goalposts to make it seem he wasn’t, completely wrong), but he is actually talking about things outside himself.

    Brandon has yet to do that. False rape… he has the answer; He’ll just tape his sexual encounters: no consent required. That doing that is against the law… not as important as protecting his ass.

    Curious about women being feminists…. he has the solution, just do some sly Q&A about stuff, and his perceptive analysis of the responses will smoke them out.

    A fifteen year old gets savaged on reddit… did you know the person who wrote about that said something that offended Brandon once, and he’s going to share his opinions on that with us.

    Call lots of people stupid… not important, because those are just Brandon’s opinions, it’s not as if he’s trying to convince anyone.

    NWO doesn’t pretend he’s not making an argument. They may be weak, ill-formed and pathetic; based on fundamental misunderstandings of how the world (and people) work, but he’s not being dishonest.

    I’ll put up with a lot from people, if they are at least making some effort at intellectual honesty. Brandon doesn’t seem to be able to master it even to the level of Antz. And all he has to do to be allowed to continue is show us a little bit of the respect he seems to think is his due. Give a little, get a little.

    But even that much self-awareness, and consideration of the feelings of others seems beyond him. He thinks it’s a “game” and that he gets to make the rules. It’s not, and he doesn’t.

  8. Good point, Jill. The fact that humans took something like a modern wolf and created the Basset Hound is pretty incredible.

    Also, you know, not an example of evolution/natural selection, just selective breeding. Animal husbandry doesn’t prove or disprove evolution. Still awesome, though.

  9. Flanders: You ugly, hate-filled man!

    Moe: Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I… um, what was the third thing you said?

  10. I’m sure NOW can’t respond because he’s in jail for farting.

  11. I actually prefer the co-evolution model, where we and wolves joined forces and affected each other’s evolution… XD Dogs made us what we are too! Now that’s some super!

  12. You know, we know the state NWO is from, we know at least two websites we frequents, we know his general age, and we know his occupation. If NWO insists that a single phone call from a woman can have a man jailed without a scrap of evidence, it seems as though any woman here annoyed by him could give that information over to the police, and from there it wouldn’t be difficult to trace his exact location.

    Funny how that hasn’t happened, considering how vindictive NWO keeps telling us all women are.

  13. Also, bless his heart for rebutting the “Spanish uses Cyrillic” bit, one of the most nonsensical, easily falsifiable, and completely non-gender-related points on the whole list.

  14. “My dog is an awesome dog…”

  15. Alpha Asshole Cock Carousel

    I actually prefer the co-evolution model, where we and wolves joined forces and affected each other’s evolution… XD Dogs made us what we are too! Now that’s some super!

    Totally. I also like Ray Coppinger’s theory that dogs are just the descendants of the stupid, lazy wolves … the ones that were too dumb to realize that humans were dangerous competitors and too lazy to hunt for food themselves, so they ended up just hanging out near human settlements, ingratiating themselves to humans, and living off of scraps and handouts.

  16. Isn’t Pennsylvania; Philadelphia and Pittsburg with Texas in between?

  17. I just fell onto this from Gawker. In the past I have met some crazy feminist, but none hold a candle to this guy.

    I have to know, are all those quotes for real and who is this NWO guy?

    I mean he should be in comedy.

  18. Thank you for the best laugh I’ve had in, oh, years maybe. Love, your new fan, Marisa

  19. By the way, David, wasn’t there going to be a Trollhunter of 2011 award as well?

  20. Mike: Those are, by and large, summations. The quotations are real, and those are his expressed beliefs. So far as we can tell, he actually holds them.

  21. David K. Meller

    Pecunium–January 1, 2012 @ 11:11 pm

    “writing was only invented three times, (China, Egypt, and Maya)…”

    Wouldn’t the Sumerians in Mesopotamia and the Minoans on Crete give you a bit of an argument about that?

    Don’t cry, P. Everyone makes mistakes! That is why they put erasers on pencils.

  22. Aw, our runner up makes an appearance.

    Concession speech!!!

    BTW, I voted for you dude. Make me proud!

  23. BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Im so sorry I got here so late to read this!

    “Children are lined up and injected with a dangerous chemical called flouride to make them stupid.”

    Really sweetie, is that what happened to you? That would explain quite a lot

    In all seriousness though, no one is this stupid. I’d love to apply Hanlon’s Razor and say he’s just a raving schitzophrenic or something, but I’m pretty sure he’s laughing, making it all up and getting off on the outrage that ensues. Trolling in its purest form

  24. Hahah, this is the most hilarious thing I’ve read in a long time.

  25. I love this. I am not sure if somethings were actually written by nwoslave word for word, but the message is pretty clear. I believe nwoslave is correct on many of these points. I wish so many of his points were false, but I know deep down, they are true and correct. I wanted to jump on the “I hate nwoslave” bandwagon, but that would be a lie. I do not believe he is saying some of these things to be hurtful…it’s just the truth. Brilliant and insightful on many points.

  26. This is just hilarious. Especially since I live in Scandinavia!

    “All taxes in Scandinavian countries go toward women’s causes. Scandinavian grade schools have a holiday where girls are given cookies and ice cream, while boys are given stale matzo. Men in Scandinavian countries are imprisoned for farting.”

    This was just… I was laughing so much here. “Men in Scandinavian countries are imprisoned for farting.” Oh, troll, you so silly! ^u^

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