Last night, 540-or-so comments into the Atheist Elevator thread, Ion took a moment to school us all in the cold, hard realities of love in our time. Offering his own formerly flailing but now highly successful sexual career as evidence of this theories, he explained why it’s better to be called creepy than courteous. And apparently, acting like a five-year old will score you heaps of hot poon. Who knew?
As much as I learned from Ion’s autobiographic account, I feel as though there is much more wisdom to be gained from reading the stories of other commenters here. So, using Ion’s tale as a template, I would like to offer the first in what I hope will be a long and successful series of Man Boobz Mad Libs. Simply fill in the blanks in the text below to tell your own tale of heartbreak and triumph, and post your results in the comments below. We will all be the wiser for it.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as [ ] and [ ], but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and [ ]. I bought into all the “men are [ ], men are natural [ ]” crap spouted by feminist [ ] and their neutered mangina [ ]. I was concerned about not coming off as [ ] or creepy. I was courteous and [ ] and [ ], I respected women, but I forgot to respect [ ]. And while the [ ] boys, playa gangstas, and abusive [ ]bags were [ ]ing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new [ ] on their [ ] every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great [ ], but I like you as a [ ]. Well, see you later, gotta go have [ ] with the [ ] boyfriend I’ve been complaining to [ ] about!”
So you’re right about the [ ]-puffing part, but not so much about the being [ ]. I’m less [ ] now than I ever was. I put myself [ ]. I don’t apologize for being a [ ]. It took me a while to [ ] up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than [ ]. I got my first [ ] after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a [ ] the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t [ ] me [ ]. So much for “[ ] give in because of [ ] pressures”, I guess. Second [ ], in college, I [ ] like a five-year old [ ]. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my [ ]. Afterwards, she was [ ] me to hang out. Sometime later, I met [ ] I really [ ]. Like an [ ], I decided to play it cool, be [ ], be [ ], take [ ] slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t [ ] back. As for “friends who will [ ] me”… I don’t know what the [ ] are like where you live, but the [ ] I know just don’t fit your [ ] [ ]. Also, currently half my friends are [ ]. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered [ ]. I’ll be busy having [ ] in the [ ] world meanwhile.
@Ami
Didn’t you know? All women are lying liars who lie to hide the fact that we’re liars. Everything a woman says is a lie. Including this statement.
or magyc! xD
Why does Ion assume that the only thing a feminist wants is a man who is wimpy and other things that end in impy.
13 is pretty meek and mild but he quietly stands up for his position and does not let someone push him around. Same with my roommate-both of whom are feminist men and believe that women are people too. Because that is what it boils down to-either you believe women are people who have ideas, thoughts, desires of their own or you think they do not.
A guy who is not assertive should not be surprised if no one beats a path to his door either-Ion, you started getting some serious action when you started asserting yourself more, not because you are a dick to women.
So you’re right about the [Marlboro]-puffing part, but not so much about the being [Jet-Puffed]. I’m less [Sure] now than I ever was. I put myself [Nice ‘n Easy]. I don’t apologize for being a [Swiss Miss]. It took me a while to [Lever] up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than [Skittles]. I got my first [Cool Whip] after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a [Time Out] the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t [Pledge] me [Country Time]. So much for “[Sociables] give in because of [Bold] pressures”, I guess. Second [Dawn], in college, I [Shake ‘n Bake] like a five-year old [Gardenburger]. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my [Honey Smacks]. Afterwards, she was [Off] me to hang out. Sometime later, I met [Smart Ones] I really [Scope]. Like an [Eggo], I decided to play it cool, be [Wise], be [Brawny], take [Lunchables] slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t [Compeed] back. As for “friends who will [Wisk] me”… I don’t know what the [Fruit Loops] are like where you live, but the [Bran Buds] I know just don’t fit your [Rice] [Krispies]. Also, currently half my friends are [Cheerios]. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered [Beech-Nut]. I’ll be busy having [Sour Patch Kids] in the [SnackWells] world meanwhile.
Oh, and Ion, ever think that maybe those women you dealt with were considering factors other than whether you were a jerk to them? Maybe the women that did like you just thought you were cute, maybe the woman who wasn’t interested had other issues that made her not want to date. Maybe you weren’t really nice, just a ‘Nice Guy(TM).’ There’s a multitude of reasons any one of those women might have liked you or not liked you.
Johnny Pez is watching daytime teevee.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as uncanny and futilitarian, but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and Scottish. I bought into all the “men are spectral, men are natural window treatments” crap spouted by feminist fiddler crabs and their neutered mangina conchs. I was concerned about not coming off as velour or creepy. I was courteous and cohesive and imperishable, I respected women, but I forgot to respect durableness. And while the barker boys, playa gangstas, and abusive swing bags were skating around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new dutch oven on their radiator every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great Pantomime Horse, but I like you as a Chinese Dragon. Well, see you later, gotta go have waxes with the incommensurable boyfriend I’ve been complaining to Merryl Lynch about!”
I just don’t want to miss my show.
I like the word futlitarian! xD
Oh! My friend came up w/ the best word last night xD I added it to Ruka’s card… but I’ll be using it more now:
Misandroid!
Hi everybody! I’m finally de-lurking to make the most obvious mad-lib.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as [$MONEY$] and [$MONEY$], but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and [$MONEY$]. I bought into all the “men are [$MONEY$], men are natural [$MONEY$]” crap spouted by feminist [$MONEY$] and their neutered mangina [$MONEY$]. I was concerned about not coming off as [$MONEY$] or creepy. I was courteous and [$MONEY$] and [$MONEY$], I respected women, but I forgot to respect [$MONEY$]. And while the [$MONEY$] boys, playa gangstas, and abusive [$MONEY$]bags were [$MONEY$]ing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new [$MONEY$] on their [$MONEY$] every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great [$MONEY$], but I like you as a [$MONEY$]. Well, see you later, gotta go have [$MONEY$] with the [$MONEY$] boyfriend I’ve been complaining to [$MONEY$] about!”
So you’re right about the [$MONEY$]-puffing part, but not so much about the being [$MONEY$]. I’m less [$MONEY$] now than I ever was. I put myself [$MONEY$]. I don’t apologize for being a [$MONEY$]. It took me a while to [$MONEY$] up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than [$MONEY$]. I got my first [$MONEY$] after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a [$MONEY$] the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t [$MONEY$] me [$MONEY$]. So much for “[$MONEY$] give in because of [$MONEY$] pressures”, I guess. Second [$MONEY$], in college, I [$MONEY$] like a five-year old [$MONEY$]. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my [$MONEY$]. Afterwards, she was [$MONEY$] me to hang out. Sometime later, I met [$MONEY$]I really [$MONEY$]. Like an [$MONEY$], I decided to play it cool, be [$MONEY$], be [$MONEY$], take [$MONEY$] slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t [$MONEY$] back. As for “friends who will [$MONEY$] me”… I don’t know what the [$MONEY$] are like where you live, but the [$MONEY$] I know just don’t fit your [$MONEY$] [$MONEY$]. Also, currently half my friends are [$MONEY$]. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered [$MONEY$]. I’ll be busy having [$MONEY$] in the [$MONEY$] world meanwhile.
Oh sweet jeebus. I now sincerely wish I hadn’t spent the last hour and a half making tabbouleh and home-made lunchmeat. This looks so fun. I also wish I hadn’t gotten that extra shift at work. I love madlibs 🙁
Ssssmoneysssss
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as [tape] and [staples], but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and [waxy]. I bought into all the “men are [fans], men are natural [filing cabinets]” crap spouted by feminist [boxes] and their neutered mangina [coffee mugs]. I was concerned about not coming off as [hot] or creepy. I was courteous and [sunny] and [empty], I respected women, but I forgot to respect [banners]. And while the [calendar] boys, playa gangstas, and abusive [cork board]bags were [spinn]ing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new [phone] on their [head] every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great [speakers], but I like you as a [media player]. Well, see you later, gotta go have [crackers] with the [dull] boyfriend I’ve been complaining to [eggs] about!”
So you’re right about the [super]-puffing part, but not so much about the being [bored]. I’m less [bored] now than I ever was. I put myself [third]. I don’t apologize for being a [cat]. It took me a while to [pony] up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than [house plants]. I got my first [water cooler] after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a [fax] the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t [stand] me [alone]. So much for “[pipes] give in because of [water] pressures”, I guess. Second [fax], in college, I [dialed] like a five-year old [rooster]. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my [faxing]. Afterwards, she was [typing] me to hang out. Sometime later, I met [a duck] I really [appreciated]. Like an [mallard], I decided to play it cool, be [feathery], be [quacky], take [bread crumbs] slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t [ ] back. As for “friends who will [fax] me”… I don’t know what the [dumpsters] are like where you live, but the [trash cans] I know just don’t fit your [sad] [ideas]. Also, currently half my friends are [ducks]. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered [goose]. I’ll be busy having [ducks] in the [fax] world meanwhile.
I went for an office/avian theme
Ion’s clumsy handling of gender theory is like mad libs all in itself.
And for the record the story goes like this: young man is lonely and sees women too young to know better dating assholes; young man decides that acting like an asshole will get him dates; young man realizes that treating people like shit makes him feel shitty about himself; young man Learns and Matures and realizes his personality is more than a set of behaviours.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as Hydrogen and Helium, but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and Lithium. I bought into all the “men are Beryllium, men are natural Boron” crap spouted by feminist Carbon and their neutered mangina Nitrogen. I was concerned about not coming off as Oxygen or creepy. I was courteous and Fluorine and Neon, I respected women, but I forgot to respect Sodium. And while the Magnesium boys, playa gangstas, and abusive Aluminumbags were Siliconing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new Phosphorus on their Sulfur every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great Chlorine, but I like you as a Argon. Well, see you later, gotta go have Potassium with the Calcium boyfriend I’ve been complaining to Scandium about!”
So you’re right about the Titanium-puffing part, but not so much about the being Vanadium. I’m less Chromium now than I ever was. I put myself Manganese. I don’t apologize for being a Iron. It took me a while to Cobalt up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than Nickel. I got my first Copper after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a Zinc the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t Gallium me Germanium. So much for “Arsenic give in because of Selenium pressures”, I guess. Second Bromine, in college, I Krypton like a five-year old Rubidium. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my Strontium. Afterwards, she was Yttrium me to hang out. Sometime later, I met Zirconium I really Niobium. Like an Molybdenum, I decided to play it cool, be Technetium, be Ruthenium, take Rhodium slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t Palladium back. As for “friends who will Silver me”… I don’t know what the Cadmium are like where you live, but the Indium I know just don’t fit your Tin Antimony. Also, currently half my friends are Tellurium. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered Iodine. I’ll be busy having Xenon in the Caesium world meanwhile.
When I was young and stupid, I was an imaginary feminist. Now that I’m older, but still stupid, I’m an MRA! I think that’s a lateral move.
hrm.. maybe I should try one.. xD (i know I’ll prolly make some satire thing of his adventuring tales at some point, but I just think taking something somebody said and making it a madlib when it’s so wordy doesn’t work v well .. at least for me xD is all )
You know what’s Ami-like? You try to come off as NWO and MRAL, but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and mediumdave. I bought into all the “men are Johnny Pez, men are natural Molly Ren” crap spouted by feminist pervocracy and their neutered mangina Zhinxy. I was concerned about not coming off as Sarah or creepy. I was courteous and Luke123 and Pecunium, I respected women, but I forgot to respect David Futrelle. And while the Ithiliana boys, playa gangstas, and abusive Nobinayamubags were Kirbywarping around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new darksidecat on their Plymouth every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great Doctress Julia, but I like you as a KristinMH. Well, see you later, gotta go have Eoghan with the Spearhafoc boyfriend I’ve been complaining to Kave about!”
“men are natural Molly Ren”
I’m a little afraid to contemplate what that might mean. Men are naturally plump, slightly neurotic bloggers? >>
“…I respected women, but I forgot to respect David Futrelle.”
Never mess with Our Mangina Leader! 😛
“Kirbywarping around town”
I approve of this new verb.
(Raises hand.)
men are Johnny Pez
As they damn well ought to be!
Also, Ion is absolutely correct. When a man’s pants fall down around his ankles and everyone laughs at him, it means he touched a nerve.
I loved madlibs as a kid, so I did my best to fill this one in like a real one. I used The Hairpin as my inspiration for the words after the first couple of sentences.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as slippery and educated, but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and flabby. I bought into all the “men are moons, men are natural mushrooms” crap spouted by feminist light-sabers and their neutered mangina cooktops. I was concerned about not coming off as orange or creepy. I was courteous and flavorful and Russian, I respected women, but I forgot to respect flies. And while the intense boys, playa gangstas, and abusive paint bags were hiding around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new Mormon on their petticoat every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great pair of jeans, but I like you as a kettle drum. Well, see you later, gotta go have pee with the insufficient boyfriend I’ve been complaining to the sofa about!”
So you’re right about the iron-puffing part, but not so much about the being clean. I’m less caffinated now than I ever was. I put myself in Dollywood. I don’t apologize for being a headband. It took me a while to active up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than vacuums. I got my first wine after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a boob the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t engineer me finely. So much for “cubicles give in because of discarded pressures”, I guess. Second degree, in college, I accelerated like a five-year old mirror. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my seasons. Afterwards, she was answering me to hang out. Sometime later, I met a margin I really drowned. Like a train, I decided to play it cool, be donated, be muddy, take the cups slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t frozen back. As for “friends who will polish me”… I don’t know what the beers are like where you live, but the wolves I know just don’t fit your Greek decade. Also, currently half my friends are Tampax. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered pool. I’ll be busy having handbags in the devastated world meanwhile.
“Yeouch. Sounds like I hit a nerve with this one, if you’re putting this much effort into mocking me. Truth hurts, doesn’t it?”
We’re putting this much effort into mocking you because it’s FUNNY. How else are we supposed to react to your little “Once I wuz a mangina but now I iz a REAL MAN” sob story? Did you expect we’d take this as some kind of wisdom from on high? Maybe you should take your own advice you’re always dispensing about reading comprehension, then you would have known what was going to happen. This finely-crafted brain turd you squeezed out is textbook MRA “I’m the REAL victim here” whining and utterly perfect for mockery. You managed to hit all the key notes: lame “I used to try to be nice to women but I saw the light and realized they like being treated badly” backstory we’ve seen a hundred times, repeated assurances that you really do have a cool life full of cool friends from someone who knows without a doubt that all our lives are just empty and lackluster and the eternal hope that we are the toothless caricatures you’ve read about. Hit a nerve? On the contrary, this is fucking GENIUS. It’s pure comedy gold. On our best days, likely none of us could have come up with such a dead-on parody of MRA whining entitlement and the funniest part is, you’re not a parody! Not only do you actually believe this shit, you expect other people to buy it too! Seriously, you have a gift. Most people actually have to work at being this funny. You manage it just by the simple act of putting fingers to keyboard. Good stuff man, Dave’ll keep you around for sure if you keep delivering the funny like this. He won’t even need to go scouring the web for masculinist dumbassery if he’s got you practically delivering it to his doorstep.
Like pizza, but with less sauce, cheese and crust and more stupid. And don’t expect a tip.
Given all of the vampire hatred on a certain thread, I decided to fill mine out from a vampire POV.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as [blood filled] and [delicious], but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and [ mortal]. I bought into all the “men are [ mortal ], men are natural [, not food ]”crap spouted by feminist [ mortals ] and their neutered mangina [blood sacks]. I was concerned about not coming off as [a vampire] or creepy. I was courteous and [did not drink blood ] and [ come out only at night ], I respected women, but I forgot to respect [ the vampires ]. And while the [ vampire ] boys, playa gangstas, and abusive [ blood sucking ]bags were [ fly]ing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new [ drop of blood ] on their [ lips ] every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great [mortal], but I like you as a [human]. Well, see you later, gotta go have [a feeding ] with the [ vampire] boyfriend I’ve been complaining to [Van Helsing] about!”
So you’re right about the [mortal]-puffing part, but not so much about the being [mortal]. I’m less [ mortal ] now than I ever was. I put myself [in a coffin at sunup]. I don’t apologize for being a [vampire]. It took me a while to [vamp] up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than [fresh blood]. I got my first [victim] after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a [full pint of blood] the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t [be able to live with] me [taking so much blood]. So much for “[Mortals] give in because of [vampire mind power’s] pressures”, I guess. Second [victim], in college, I [sucked her blood] like a five-year old [eats candy]. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my [feasting]. Afterwards, she was [was too dead for] me to hang out. Sometime later, I met [a sexy man] I really [wanted to turn into a vampire]. Like an [stylin’ vamp], I decided to play it cool, be [suave], be [mysterious], take [brouching the “I want to make you a creature of the night” topic] slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t [since offered to turn someone verbally rather than sneaking up behind their] back. As for “friends who will [willingly feed me] me”… I don’t know what the [mortals] are like where you live, but the [mortals] I know just don’t fit your [nice, friendly, human] [stereotype]. Also, currently half my friends are [mortals]. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered [mortal]. I’ll be busy having [eternal youth] in the [vampire] world meanwhile.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as ‘liberal’ and ‘enlightened’, but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and strung-out. I bought into all the “men are scum, men are natural assholes” crap spouted by feminist behemoths and their neutered mangina enema slaves. I was concerned about not coming off as deranged or creepy. I was courteous and chivalrous and saccharine, I respected women, but I forgot to respect the WuTang. And while the greased-up pool boys, playa gangstas, and abusive colostomy bags were slobbering around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new chancre on their lip every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great dewd, but I like you as a warning. Well, see you later, gotta go have tequila shots with the contortionist boyfriend I’ve been complaining to Jesus about!”
So you’re right about the weed-puffing part, but not so much about the being acrid. I’m less aware now than I ever was. I put myself over. I don’t apologize for being a gasbag. It took me a while to shut up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than laser kittens. I got my first black eye after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a grope the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t tell me off. So much for “Please give in because of barometric pressures”, I guess. Second cellphone, in college, I pooped like a five-year old lemur. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my Geo Metro. Afterwards, she was prodding me to hang out. Sometime later, I met lesbians I really feared. Like an ocelot, I decided to play it cool, be tubular, be ginschy, take that dump slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t bent back. As for “friends who will grok me”… I don’t know what the hipsters are like where you live, but the entities I know just don’t fit your casserole-sized Jello mold. Also, currently half my friends are imaginary. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered Malamute. I’ll be busy having fits in the virtual world meanwhile.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as rough and ready, but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and underwater. I bought into all the “men are antelopes, men are natural ruminants” crap spouted by feminist waterspouts and their neutered mangina oranginas. I was concerned about not coming off as crawly or creepy. I was courteous and disciplined and honorable, I respected women, but I forgot to respect the flag. And while the cabin boys, playa gangstas, and abusive air-sickness bags were teleporting around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new world order on their black helicopters every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great wall of China, but I like you as a convertible. Well, see you later, gotta go have tea with the vicar’s boyfriend I’ve been complaining to Obama about!”
So you’re right about the huffing-puffing part, but not so much about the being made of brick. I’m less hypoglycemic now than I ever was. I put myself through art school. I don’t apologize for being a punctuation mark. It took me a while to float up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than Ezra. I got my first job interview after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a stroll the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t shiver me timbers. So much for “penguins give in because of walrus pressures”, I guess. Second World War, in college, I smelled like a five-year old cheese. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my halitosis. Afterwards, she was sentencing me to hang out. Sometime later, I met my evil twin I really suspected. Like an avalanche, I decided to play it cool, be there, be square, take a shower slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t thrown out my back. As for “friends who will extradite me”… I don’t know what the curtains are like where you live, but the alcoholics I know just don’t fit your twelve-step program. Also, currently half my friends are under arrest. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered pronoun. I’ll be busy having curly fries in the Disney world meanwhile.