AskMen.com’s Creepy Dude Survey
Dude, do you have a moment to take a quick survey?
So AskMen.com just put up the first segment of its annual 3-part Great Male Survey. Filled with strange assumptions and sometimes creepy questions, it’s a survey that reveals at least as much about the survey makers as it does the survey takers, and what it reveals ain’t good: it seems to have been written by a jaded ex-romantic ( or a committee of such) only a few short steps away from full-blown MGTOW-hood.
The survey starts off with a fairly innocuous question about basic compatibility, but quickly veers off course with question #2:
How important is it to you that your wife/future wife signs a prenup?
Hold on a second, daddy-o! We haven’t even determined if the little missy has “wife potential” yet — as question #3 puts it.
After one more question about marriage, the quiz moves on to cheating and then (perhaps inevitably) to the issue of divorce:
Do men get screwed by the courts in divorce?
Then it’s onward to kvetching about what a naggy shrew your partner is (assuming you haven’t already finalized the divorce):
Followed by the classic “Would you dump a girlfriend if she became fat?” (Just in case you’re wondering, ladies, nearly half the American guys in last year’s survey said “yes.”)
Next we get to what we might call the “creepy controlling asshole” portion of the survey. After asking whether we’ve ever snooped through our partner’s email or Facebook messages, they pose this doozy:
That quiet clattering you hear is the sound of a thousand creepy dudes Googling to see if this is possible – and, if so, the best place to put the chip.
After several more questions about Facebook and the internet, a few badly conceptualized questions about romance, and a bunch about sex, the quiz moves on to some good old-fashioned slut shaming, asking men to quantify the number of sex partners a woman is allowed to have before they consider her “promiscuous.” Ladies: you’ll be glad to know that 41% of American dudes who took the survey last year consider any women with more than 9 lifetime partners to be dirty sluts – sorry, “promiscuous.”
Then of course it’s on to an attempt to quantify exactly when women start getting all old and ugly:
Yes, one of the possible answers is “18.” You may be slightly reassured by the fact that zero percent of last year’s survey takers gave that answer. Six percent said “20,” though, and 24% said “30.”
Then we have this curiously worded question on workplace sex:
So the idea that your partner might be a big higher up on the old org chart isn’t even a possibility? What is this, 1962? Did they borrow this question from Helen Gurley Brown’s Sex and the Single Girl? Or find it scribbled on a napkin on Don Draper’s desk just before he impulsively proposed to his new secretary?
I think we need to design our own survey.
(Note: Cartoon above borrowed, of course, from Comically Vintage.)
Posted on June 2, 2011, in creepy, men who should not ever be with women ever, MGTOW, misogyny, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 185 Comments.
I am sacred to even look at the list.
Good lord.
I am actually tempted to fill it in. I find ask men comical. It’s part sane information (dress well, talk to women, be confident in what you are!) part lunacy (chat up lines, game theory and “buy this and you will get laid” advertising).
I would love to see a Man Boobz survey!
game theory
to be fair, Game Theory was an excellent, if underappreciated, power pop band from San Francisco.
One question for a manboobz survey would HAVE to begin “You get into an elevator with a woman who you have seen in the halls. Do you..”
Man that survey is depressing if you are single and have no hope of any relationships for the near future…
At what age do women start losing their looks?
Second trimester, obviously. Only zygotes are really attractive.
Hey baby you have nice pharyngeal arches! The juxtaposition of of them indicates that one day you will be attractive and I wish to get in on that action… If you know what I am saying…
Man foetus pick up lines are lousy.
Second trimester, obviously. Only zygotes are really attractive.
John? John Derbyshire?
I think my answer to that last one would be “yes but only if he/she was at the SAME level position as I am”. Because I would not want to have to explain to HR that *either one of us* was in a position to potentially affect the other’s position.
Of course if one of us got promoted that might be a problem! Hmm.
ok, wow. I took the damn thing, and fully half of the questions were basically unanswerable unless you are a jerkwad.
I just don’t understand. Most of the fat chicks I’ve known have been totally friggin’ awesome people. Seriously, the guys that hate so much on them are missing out.
I’m peeved that the question, “Is it okay to pay for sex?” did not have an answer, “Yes; but only if you’re sure she isn’t being exploited & you tip her well.”
him/her, LVVS.
That GPS one is going to give me nightmares. If it had “only” been about hiding a GPS in her purse or car or something, it would have been merely creepy. But suggesting the idea of an implant and then letting one of the answers be “only if she didn’t agree to it”? The casual disregard for the woman’s bodily autonomy inherent in that is really gross.
You’re correct, zombie.
“Yes, but only if you are sure your sex worker is not being exploited and you tip him or her well.”
Which magazine do you most frequently consult for relationship advice?
A. Ms.
B. Cosmopolitan
C. Maxim
D. Penthouse Forum
E. Guns & Ammo
I told FiletofSwedishBoyfriend about the question about the GPS chip. In a “Haha- Isn’t this crazy scary and a totally not-OK thing to do” way. His answer? Only if I thought she was cheating and I wanted to confirm it. Implying not getting her permission. It makes me worried. Sigh.
And I’m seconding that there aren’t many of the questions that have a non-dipfuck way to answer.
If you want to ensure your girlfriend says ‘yes’ when you propose to her, you should:
A) Design a really elaborate proposal in front of her friends, family and even a few complete strangers so she’ll feel pressured to say yes.
B) Make sure to buy her a really big engagement ring.
C) Get plastic surgery to make yourself look more like Brad Pitt.
D) Have some talks with her about your future together and your shared expectations of married life.
Frankly, the number 38 is the real howler for me. I decided to fill out the survey out of curiosity before I read the rest of your post. I came full stop at that question and burst out laughing. I could actually smell the axe body-spray and cheap hair gel through the screen.
plymouth: “I think my answer to that last one would be “yes but only if he/she was at the SAME level position as I am”. Because I would not want to have to explain to HR that *either one of us* was in a position to potentially affect the other’s position.”
Fortunately not everyone is in a direct-report relationship. If I am the head of Sales and you are an entry-level Programmer, there’s a power imbalance but you don’t report to me.
Lady V, I like the question idea. How about this one:
When a woman is talking, what does it sound like to you?
A) The Charlie Brown adults (wah wah wah).
B) A screeching bird or monkey.
C) A lumbering, mooing cow.
D) A sentient human being.
E) Background noise — I don’t even hear it.
@Lady Victoria
E) Tell her over and over again that no one else will ever love her like you do, and that you’d die without her.
Mind as well weed out some of the really creepy ones.
I think my answer to that last one would be “yes but only if he/she was at the SAME level position as I am”. Because I would not want to have to explain to HR that *either one of us* was in a position to potentially affect the other’s position.
When I’m having a sexual relationship… I like it when we can affect each other’s position.
“I just don’t understand. Most of the fat chicks I’ve known have been totally friggin’ awesome people. Seriously, the guys that hate so much on them are missing out.”
Well we try. Quite often, however, they grow quite awesome once the marriage papers are signed. So we don’t miss out on too much awesomeness I can assure you.
Question one: Did you take the AskMen.com Survey:
Yes
No
Question two: If yes why?______________________________
If no: Why not? ________________________________________
The best way to eat bacon is:
* Real bacon
* Bacon salt
* Bacon popcorn
* Caramel popcorn balls made with bacon popcorn
* A BLT made with Baconnaise
* All of the above
Oooh, I forgot “With beer” as one of the options!
Real bacon, cut by hand from a flitch.
I, sadly, can’t keep a flitch. My primary keeps kosher, and no bacon in the house. :<
Pecunium: Long pig.
Because at this point, they MIGHT AS WELL add cannibalism to that quiz, it couldn’t be any more dehumanizing.
Pecunium, I never knew that a flitch was until I Googled it just now. This is why I keep coming back to this thread. :P
How does the bacon question make you feel.
A.hungry
B.horny
C.both a & b
D.oh sweet,sweet tasty bacon,mmmmmmmmm. Wut?
I have a warm fuzzy feeling about the state of humanity because last year 54% of people said they *wouldn’t* break up with their girlfriend if she got fat.
These are the good feelings one can only get from very low expectations. :)
The thing about the breaking up with the girlfriend if she got “fat” is that “fat” isn’t defined. I mean, if she put on 5 pounds? Went up 5 dress sizes? Took a little too long to lose the babyweight? And over what timeframe?
Early in our relationship I told my fiance I’d break up with him if he ever cut his hair short. We’ve been together almost 7 years now and at this point I wouldn’t ACTUALLY break up with him (I’ve gotten rather attached)… but I’d still be very very whiny and sad about it for a long time. Fortunately he has no plans to cut his hair :)
The maple kind?
Fortunately he has no plans to cut his hair
some men have the decision made for them.
So, apparently to the AskMen survey creators, male=heterosexual (or perhaps bisexual, but only if you mostly prefer women, I guess)? Practically every relationship question stated or implied that the survey-taker’s partner(s) is/was/are female.
I cannot think of any funny ManBoobz survey questions, but I wish there was a way to have the survey-takers answer variants on every “woman/girlfriend/partner” questions with a counter question about men/themselves. “Would your partner dump you if you got fat?” (Whatever that means, as Plymouth points out.) “How many sexual partners makes a man ‘promiscuous’?” “At what age do men begin to lose their looks?”
I’m kind of with Dan Savage when it comes to partners becoming unattractive (whether it’s getting fat or something else). I do believe that we have a responsibility to our partners to try and keep ourselves attractive for them.
I mean, aging gets everyone in the end, and that’s to be expected. And you can’t start dating someone who’s a particular body type and then expect them to change. And if your partner has medical problems that are causing the changes, it’s rather dickish to leave.
That being said – if my boyfriend put on a few pounds, I wouldn’t care. But if he just up and stopped caring about himself or his appearance… yeah, there’s some issues there.
Q: When you see a sandwich, what is your first thought?
A- Ooh, delicious, convenient lunch
B- This better have been made by female hands!
C- If a woman did indeed make this, then all is right in my world.
D- It’s not visible long enough for me to think much about it.
When a woman is talking, what does it sound like to you?
A) The Charlie Brown adults (wah wah wah).
B) A screeching bird or monkey.
C) A lumbering, mooing cow.
D) A sentient human being.
E) Background noise — I don’t even hear it.
F) Spitting.
“Spitting” has to be added as an option to every question, regardless of what it is.
I also tried to take the quiz and gave up because half the questions only have jerkwad-compatible answers. And, yes, the two questions about sex with coworkers (why two? who knows?) seem to envision a situation less like Jim and Pam on “The Office” and more like Don Draper screwing his way through the secretarial pool. Ick.
“Spitting” has to be added as an option to every question, regardless of what it is.
O yeah. perfect!
Ew, bacon. :(
A person in your workplace who is senior and holds your career in his hands, is making advances and sexual demands, even though you have made it plain that you are heterosexual and not interested. Do you:
A) file a harassment complaint with HR, even though the other males will ridicule you for dressing slutty.
B) beat the senior associate and put him into the hospital, and later claim “gay panic”.
C) submit happily.
D) Quietly find another job, even if it pays less and has less opportunity for advancement.
D) spit on him.
Oh, oh, I have one!
A woman tells you about several times she was harassed/abused/groped by a stranger in public. What do you do?
A) Offer compassion and sympathy. Resolve to speak up the next time you see a woman being harassed in public, because change has to start with you.
B) Ask if she might not have mis-interpreted or exaggerated the incident. Explore it from the point of view of the groper: it’s just touching, what is the big deal?
C) Decide she is lying and you’d better not make a pass at her, even tho you only became her friend to do just that, because she’d probably false-rape-accuse you or something. Crazy bitch.
D) No woman has ever told me about an incident like this. Therefore it never happens.
Oh, or E) Wait for her to spit on you, because that’s all bitches know how to do, amirite?!
What skills could you contribute to the ManBoobz Community in the event of the apocalypse?
A. Hunting/fishing skills
B. Farming/gathering skills
C. Child bearing skills
D. Child rearing skills
E. Construction skills
F. Zombie-killing skills
G. All of the above skills
For the record, also state your gender and how you acquired said skills.
You need to buy a bathtub. Do you
(A) Look for a capacious model, so all the virgin-blood doesn’t spill out on the floor.
(B) Look for a sturdy model, so that fat chick you’ll probably end up banging doesn’t break it with her fatness.
(C) Look for a solid-gold model, so to better attract hot alpha golddiggers.
(D) Decide against getting a bathtub. After all, you’re Going Your Own Way. Why live up to society’s expectations of hygiene now?
(E) Run out of the store without buying any bathtub because the beta salesgirls all spit on you.
F. Zombie-killing skills
hey now.
Have you stopped beating your significant other?
A) Yes.
B) No.
C) None of those entitled alpha bitches hang around long enough for me to beat them! But I’m a nice guy!
Sex robot. What’dya say?
(A) Yes! The only reason I have any communication with women anyway is in the off chance that I’ll get some freaky robot sex with one of them.
(B) No, my hatred of women extends to robot bitches as well.
(C) It depends. I have to pay child support for all these children I couldn’t force my ex to abort, due to the feminist jurisprudence and whatnot. How much is the cheapest model?
(D) It depends. Can I program the sex robot to spit on me?
At what point does a woman owe you sex?
A) After I have claimed ownership by “putting a ring on it”
B) After I slay a mammoth for her
C) Once I’ve purchased it by paying for dinner and a movie
D) Once I’ve earned it by being such a nice guy and listening to her bitch about that bad boy thug she’s dating
E) When I say, and she better not spit on me by thinking she doesn’t owe me anything
(I feel dirty.)
This one is for the women:
What is the breed & name of the hamster in your head?
Mine’s a Chinese dwarf hamster named Wanmei Gong Zhu (which, according to Google Translate, is Chinese for ‘perfect princess’)
I have the feeling that if I posed these survey questions to Boyfriend, I would receive only a blank stare followed by “The fuck? I don’t care what you do.” Despite being raised Mormon, Boyfriend has managed to avoid the creepier aspects of his origins.
My contributions to the Manboobz quiz!
1. Do you consider yourself:
a) an Alpha
b) a Beta
c) an Omega
Or
d) a human being with the usual mix of good points and flaws?
2. How often do alpha bitches totally spit on you?
a) Every fuccking day! At least twice!
b) Only in elevators.
c) I’ve never had a dog spit on me, but I got drooled on by a Basset Hound once
d) Huh?
3. You attempt to engage an attractive stranger in conversation. When zie doesnt respond the way you want, what do you do?
a) Assault hir, causing grievous bodily harm
b) Fantasize about causing hir grievous bodily harm
c) Feel peeved but shrug it off
d) Feel embarrassed and awkward and really happy when zie gets off on a different floor.
Q: What is your favorite British puppet show?
A. Stingray
B. Thunderbirds
C. Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons
D. Joe 90
E. Spitting Image
Hum. Yeah, a lot of the questions were hopelessly leading/weighted towards one side. For instance:
You tell where they think pretty much everybody will answer (even women!) That’s the other thing, why can you choose your gender and orientation when the survey can’t be answered by non male heterosexuals? (and have it mean anything, anyway)
“Do you believe in the institution of marriage? ”
What exactly do they mean by this? Like… do you believe in getting married for the sake of getting married? Or is this some roundabout “one man one woman” marriage thing?
Also, “infidelity services?” Wha? *goes to site* *jaw hits floor*
When you buy a book, what do you do?
a) read the blurb and maybe thumb through the first couple of pages to get a feel for the writing style.
b) you usually buy books that have been recommended to you
c) check to see if it’s written by a bloke – if the name is ambiguous you google the author because you NEVER read books by women. They can’t write.
d) Spit on it.
Did you eat bacon today?
A. Yes
B. No
(For the record, yes I did.)
The best part about being a-romantic is never dealing with the kind of douche who thinks women disintegrate at age 25. The worst is that said guy will still hound you, then assume you’re a nasty slut who’s screwing Brad Pitt when you turn him down.
A woman just turned you down. Do you. ….
A. Call her a whore?
B. Call her a slut?
C. Call her ugly?
D. Call her a bitch?
E. Call her fat?
F. Call her a combination of the above?
G. Continue to bother her?
H. Be an adult and go hit on someone else?
Oooh – choco, good one! I’m nicking that and posing it slightly differently:
(Qn for het men) When a woman turns you down, what do you think?
a) This is just another example demonstrating that all women are shallow bitches
b) Maybe if I ‘neg’ her she’ll change her mind
c) She’s probably a fyminyst and would spend all my money and get fat if she could – lucky I escaped.
d) Wipe the spit out of your eye sadly
e) Shrug it off as it’s not a big deal
I’m kind of encouraged that only of respondents last year felt that women start losing their looks at age 20 or 30. I can hardly tell the younguns apart before they reach age 30!
Which defunct indy rock band would you like to see reunite?
A. The Replacements
B. Belly
C. L7
D. Porno for Pyros
E. Love Spit Love
The world is run by:
A) The Rothschilds.
B) The Illuminati
C) A shadowy cabal of international bankers who just happen to be Jewish (but if you accuse me of anti-semitism, then it is you who are the racist).
D) Feminists
E) Women who spit on me
F) Tall people
G) Bacon
H) All of the above
I would be pretty impressed if a guy did slay a mammoth by himself since there is no more live ones.
So, Bacon not only secretly wrote Shakespeare’s plays, he also secretly runs the world.
Man, I’m learning a lot on this blog.
Bacon is not anything like those others you listed CB.
I needed a sane alternative, Beth.
Beth – I think the MRA’d just find some bones and say “LOOK! I slew that for you!”
Woman: “Uh, when? Cos, according to CSI it takes aaaages for a dead thing to become just bones…”
MRA: “BITCH!!!111!”
[i]Beth – I think the MRA’d just find some bones and say “LOOK! I slew that for you!”
Woman: “Uh, when? Cos, according to CSI it takes aaaages for a dead thing to become just bones…”
MRA: “BITCH!!!111!”[/i]……STOP SPITTING ON ME!!
(Question for heterosexual cis-men only)
You and your female partner are going to have sex, but neither of you want kids. Do you:
A. Just have unprotected sex. What d’ya mean, “That’s where babies come from”?
B. Assume she’s got birth control covered.
C. Make sure at least one of you has some form of protection.
Thanks Zombie. I can’t believe I forgot about the spitting. Clearly I am an evil fymynyst who wilfully forgets all about the wrongs women do to men.
Edit above: Probably should specify that it’s PiV sex.