Categories
crackpottery creepy MRA reactionary bullshit sex white knights

>Guys, you’re not helping: The Dear Woman video

The video above, which has been making the rounds of the manosphere, is one of the creepiest and most off-putting things I’ve seen since watching Dogtooth a couple of weeks ago. Actually, I take that back: Dogtooth was much less creepy and off-putting. I was so repelled by what I saw in this video that it literally took me several tries to get through the whole thing. And no, it’s not some weird misogynistic rant by the likes of Bernard Chapin. Oh, no no no. The misogynists of the world are as repelled by the video as I am, though for radically different reasons. Titled “Dear Woman,” the video was actually put together by a couple of self-described “conscious men” who think they’re doing a great favor to the women of the world.

To which I can only say: Guys, stop it, you’re not helping.

If you can stomach it, the video is worth watching in its entirety. If not, here’s what you’re missing: The video is the work of a couple of New Age gurus — Arjuna Ardagh and Gay Hendricks, Ph.D – who, with the help of a little gaggle of guys, have written a little manifesto “apologizing” to the women of the world for all the bad shit done by men to women over the centuries. Or, as they put it:

I feel deep love, great respect and a growing sense of worship for the gifts of the feminine. I also feel deep sorrow about the destructive actions of the unconscious masculine in the past and present. I want to apologize to you and make amends for those actions, in order to bring forth a new era of co-creation with you.

The first step in “making amends,” evidently, was to gather together a group of men – some of whom seem to have been roped into it in the middle of a garden party — and to somehow convince them to read out loud the entire text of this manifesto. (The full text is here, but it’s much creepier when it’s read out loud.)

There is something about this manifesto, and the men reading it, that is so “off” that it may well make your skin crawl, and make you wonder how many of the men in the video have dead bodies secreted away in the crawl spaces under their homes. A female friend I showed the video to could only make it through the first couple of minutes before switching it off in horror; one commenter on Metafilter reported that it “made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and not in a good way. Eeew.”

The creepyist, skin-crawliest part of the video has to be the section in which the assembled men talk about women’s bodies:

I honor the beauty and integrity of your body. When we worship each other through our bodies with awareness and devotion, there are no boundaries to the love that we can generate. I feel sorrow that men have used your beauty as a form of commerce in prostitution and pornography. In the grip of lust we have often lacked the skills to ask gracefully for intimacy or to take ‘No’ for an answer. I take a stand against any form of enforced or soulless commercialization of woman’s beauty, and I respect that your body belongs to you.

I honor your capacity to listen to your body and its needs for food, rest and playtime.

I feel confident that I speak for many when I say “ewww.” Somehow I’m reminded of Saturday Night Live’s hot-tub-loving “lovers.”

It’s worth pointing out that the written manifesto refers to men and women “nurture[ing]” one another’s body; apparently no one noticed that the dude reading this passage in the video had turned nurturing into “worship.”

As one commenter on Metafilter put it:

“We worship women” sounds like something Buffalo Bill would have said if he had a PR agent. My guess is that they’re sickos who seem really earnest at first but it turns out that they’re actually trying to collect used tampons for onanistic purposes or something.

So what is it, aside from all this worshiping, that makes the video so creepy? Part of the problem is that these “conscious men” are, in their own way, as patronizing and sexist as any manosphere dudes “mansplaining” about how all women only want to fuck alpha guys. Women, in their view, are inherently peaceful earth-mother types. “I commit now to … honoring the spirituality of the divine feminine,” the guys tell us. “I honor your deep connection to the earth.” 

The manifesto is overflowing with this kind of shit. No matter how “New Age” these guys think they are, these are some truly ancient, and quite thoroughly retrograde, notions.
But that’s just what makes them wrong and misguided. What is it that causes viewers to pick up that whole serial-killer vibe?
I think the answer to this can be found in a book called The Gif tof Fear by security expert Gavin de Becker. The book attempts to explain why our intuitions about creepy people are so often correct. There’s a good reason you feel uneasy around certain people; that’s your unconscious picking up on real, if hard to pin down, signals of danger.
De Becker also lays out some of the techniques predators use in an attempt to allay the suspicions of those they’re trying to victimize. One of the sneakiest? The unsolicited promise, which often means the very opposite of what is said. When someone tells you, out of the blue, that they “aren’t going to hurt you,” it’s often a very good sign that that’s exactly what they’re going to do. When someone feels the need to tell you, apropos of nothing, that he “honor[s] the beauty and integrity of your body” and “respect[s] that your body belongs to you,” you may well want to run screaming. 
Even more than the unsolicited promises, I think it’s the unsolicited apologies in the Dear Woman video – so similar in intent to unsolicited promises — are a large part of what is setting off alarm bells in so many viewers. When a young guy in the video takes personal responsibility “for dragging you into … wars, and for the rape, murder, broken hearts and damaged families that resulted from them,” that’s just plain … weird, given that (unless he’s some young despot I’ve never heard of) he’s not actually responsible for any of this.
The “unsolicited promise” is similar to what de Becker calls “loan sharking” – offering unsolicited “help” in order to make victims feel obligated in some way to their unwanted helpers. In the manifesto/video, this “help” is abstract, but the strategy seems to be the same:
From this day, moving forward, I vow to treat your heart as the sacred temple it is, and I commit to honoring the feminine in you and me and in my relationship to all life.
 
Uh, who the fuck asked you to treat anyone’s heart as a “sacred temple?”
The manifesto/video is also filled with examples of “forced teaming,” another strategy favored by predators who want to convince their victims that they are in fact working together to do the very same thing:
I know that by leaving the past behind and joining hands in the present, we can create a synergy of our strengths. Together, there is nothing we cannot do.
(For a fuller explanation of some of de Becker’s ideas, take a look at this post on saying “no” on Captain Awkward’s excellent blog, which I’ve drawn on heavily here.)
But there’s something else about the video that adds to the sense that something is not right here: no matter how earnest all the men in the video are trying to sound, none of them (except perhaps the two ringleaders) seem to really believe the ridiculous things they’re saying. Instead, they seem to be, with varying degrees of insincerity, mouthing a series of essentially meaningless New Age platitudes – in short, simply saying what they think women want to hear.
No one is buying this bullshit, guys. Give it up.

If you enjoyed this post, would you kindly* use the “Share This” or one of the other buttons below to share it on Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, or wherever else you want. I appreciate it.

*Yes, that was a Bioshock reference.

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

216 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
triplanetary
9 years ago

>Time to break out the tinfoil hats!I know, it's so ludicrous to claim that a person's job prospects might be limited because of a group they belong to…http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Racial_segregation_in_the_United_StatesOh, right.

triplanetary
9 years ago

>Or would it be… Ludacris?

DarkSideCat
9 years ago

>@Discount, you seriously think that women in warzones and conflicts are spared terrible violence? STFU and GTFO.

triplanetary
9 years ago

>@Discount, you seriously think that women in warzones and conflicts are spared terrible violence? STFU and GTFO. In MRAs' imagination, wars seem to be fought in closed-off arenas where they never ever affect civilians.

Rachel Swirsky
9 years ago

>Am I the only one who knows plenty of creepy, attractive men? And plenty of non-creepy, non-attractive men?Somehow I doubt it.

Avicenna
9 years ago

>Yeah but we call each other dickheads too. And the word cunt actually has different perspectives in different societies. In the UK it's often used a lot more than it is in the US.You daft cunt is something you would tell a friend who just did something stupid. It's like how british people tend to not use "mother fucker" as an insult as much. These guys are "rather weird". Divinity? The Feminine Energy? Dude! Women just need to be treated as equals to us. I am half tempted to insult them but I think they mean well. Wrong out inexperience rather than malice.

Rachel Swirsky
9 years ago

>The creepiest guys I can think of that I've known were anywhere from decent looking to really good-looking. They just also didn't know what the word "consent" meant.

Avicenna
9 years ago

>I take it back, I watched the whole video. It's not just the things they are saying are creepy, its the way they stare at you.Do you remember all those books on "how to hypnotise women". It's like they read something like that.

glpiggy.net
9 years ago

>David,As to your "women don't want to get yelled at onstage argument", I also did a post about how female audience members are generally the hecklers. Bill Hicks has a classic confrontation with a female heckler. But male comedians seem pretty good at handling these hecklers; if women stay away from the profession because they can't handle being heckled and can't respond in a funny way to the heckling, then doesn't that speak to their overall "funniness"? The thing that makes men funnier than women is that we are more competitive. We want to show off. We want attention for our wit. Being the more aggressive sex, men have had an interest, through history, to defuse situations that could have otherwise turned violent. Humor is part of that, and it has become ingrained in our psychology.

triplanetary
9 years ago

>The thing that makes men funnier than women is that we are more competitive. We want to show off. We want attention for our wit. Being the more aggressive sex, men have had an interest, through history, to defuse situations that could have otherwise turned violent. Humor is part of that, and it has become ingrained in our psychology. Oh, awesome, more gender essentialist evo psych bullshit.nb4 Chuck or one of the other MRAs says I'm "ignoring basic biological realities," even though the above claims didn't come from a biologist so much as Chuck's ass.

Sartorial Nerd
9 years ago

>I got 56 seconds into it before I got too creeped out to continue. My sense of self-preservation was screaming at me to run away before the creepy guy with his creepy creepiness and his creepy eyes crawled through my computer screen to kill me softly with the strength of his "worship."

David Futrelle
9 years ago

>Chuck, I really don't think that willingness to put up with harassment is correlated with the robustness of someone's sense of humor. And I'm sorry, there's no question that female comedians put up with worse shit than male comedians. It's still very much a boy's club.

The Jerk Store
9 years ago

>"And if you disagree with me that women are just as funny as men, you'll have to cite evidence to support your case."and then:"The thing that makes men funnier than women is that we [blah blah blah utterly evidence-free pop evolutionary psychology tl;dr]"Uh huh.

Discount
9 years ago

>"I thought your thing on women not being funny was misogynistic."Hate to break it to you David but men are the primary purveyors of comedy, romance, poetry, song, magic etc. Call it plumage of whatever the f**k you want but these things are overwhelmingly male. In fact I'd venture to say that rather than love, women dream of being loved…two drastically different things. Can you point out a single song a woman wrote that elevates and romanticizes the masculine???…how about a poem..??? It's not because of some sort of oppressive patriarchy either. Women don't do anything because they don't have to. Their inherent value makes their ego eclipse that of men's by many magnitudes. It also leads to a gynocentric narcissism that is intolerable at times. How's that brutal truth for a misogynistic rant aye….

Discount
9 years ago

>Patriarchy simply means that men are part of the family and have the God given natural right to fatherhood which they do not…so give up your blatant lies. Feminism is about the creation of matriarchycomment imageWomen have their own families. Men have no obligation to women, women's children or women's families. Men have no civic or social duties to look out for anyone but ourselves. Women are now a separate socio-political and socio-economic class that men are in competition with. Common felicity between genders was killed off by women some 45 years ago you misandrist bigots. Men are waking the fu*k up….

francoistremblay
9 years ago

>On one level, I have to sympathize with this video. I am not a Wiccan, but I admire Wiccan ideas and their stance against sexism and racism resonates with my own social values.On the other hand, as people pointed out, this video is majorly, grossly sexist. It seems to be extremely difficult for people to accept each other as they are. I wonder why that is?

The Jerk Store
9 years ago

>Ha ha, how do you even argue with the kind of sad goofery wafting off people like Discount? These people are so wrong they're not even wrong; there's literally nothing to even get a handle on in terms of having an argument. It's like yelling at a cloud.Also, if you consistently find yourself needing to invoke "God given rights" and "deals" and legality and appeals to "natural law" in your relationships with others, women OR men, I'd say you have bigger personal problems than feminism.

triplanetary
9 years ago

>How's that brutal truth for a misogynistic rant aye…. Pretty toothless tbqh

Discount
9 years ago

>"But when women call men "dickheads" it's a social norm." Or call men pigs, dogs, horses asses, jack ass donkeys and throw men into garbage cans. Women have to understand that this means war. This is not my subjective interpretation either. Men are waking up to what women have done and are fighting back. We will win and if you insist on taking the entire society and common felicity between men and women down with it so be it.comment image

Discount
9 years ago

>It may not take the form of an organized gender class offensive as women have done but men in our personal lives will simply MGTOW…we are simply walking away. Women want men pushed to the fringes of society and the family and you will get the men and society you are creating.

Discount
9 years ago

>"@Discount, you seriously think that women in warzones and conflicts are spared terrible violence? STFU and GTFO." Yes…there is not question. Now…shave your heads, sign up for the draft and get your ass to the front line to secure your own territory and resources like men have had to do for you since the beginning of time. I don't blame you for using your vaginas as currency and prostitution..even female fiddler crabs do it. Explains the Raw Wage Gap and why women have not lifted a finger and then claim discrimination. Fiddler crabs exchange sex for survivalhttp://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33624850/ns/technology_and_science-science/

Discount
9 years ago

>"Also, if you consistently find yourself needing to invoke "God given rights" and "deals" and legality and appeals to "natural law" in your relationships with others, women OR men, I'd say you have bigger personal problems than feminism." Men have the God given natural right to be a part of their childrens lives. The goal of feminism was to create marriage 2.0 laws to absolve women of any liability, responsibility, commitment or reciprocal obligation to men and the sanctity of marriage. Feminists also seek to remove men's rights to our own bodies and the fruits of our labor and transfer such things to women by force. Again, men know damn well what women's "liberation" is all about.

Discount
9 years ago

>Again, men owe women, women's children and women's families nothing.

David Futrelle
9 years ago

>I'm just trying to keep up here. So fiddler crabs explain the wage gap?

Discount
9 years ago

>Deny the purpose of the gynocentric ideology of "women's liberation" all you want. Men don't have to win by restoring our collective relationship and common felicity with women. We will win by everyone losing both men, women, children, family, marriage and society. You will increasingly see it manifest. In all elements of societal dysfunction and even violence. About 90% of ALL prison inmates come from fatherless families. Boys without fathers do poorly in education, have higher rates of depression and higher rates of violent crime. Women are getting the men they seek to create by removing men from the family and pushing men to margins of society, the family and the lives of our children.

Discount
9 years ago

>"I'm just trying to keep up here. So fiddler crabs explain the wage gap?" If you don't think there is any sense to be made from nature in regard to sexual selection and gendered behavior I can't help you David.

Discount
9 years ago

>Women work less hours, compete less for territory and resources, seek jobs out of a different modus of personal fulfillment (one which has little or nothing to do with appealing to the opposite sex), work less overtime, work less lucrative jobs (the ones that produce utilization of resources), work less dangerous jobs and as a whole work in entirely different jobs than men. Sometimes women don't even work at all….

David Futrelle
9 years ago

>Well, Discount, just don't go and try to cut trees down with your teeth just because you saw a beaver do it, or try to pick up a car because ants can lift many times their own body weight. Sometimes these lessons from nature are a bit tricky to apply to your own life.

Elizabeth
9 years ago

>I think that Julia Ward Howe would be a bit annoyed at Discount's description of her contribution to the celebration of manhood.

Discount
9 years ago

>You are drawing inconsistent variables here David. We are not ants and beavers but we are male and female. Go ahead draw no wisdom from anything but your free will deterministic ideas of individual relativism. Your human ego deceives you. It's all a social construct right. Gender, society, gendered behavior, differences and interrelations are all a mailable social construct. I've heard it before.

David Futrelle
9 years ago

>All right then, I'll stick to gender relations in the animal kingdom. The male seahorse gestates and gives birth to seahorse babies. Clownfish sometimes change their sex. Male bees have exploding balls. One kind of octopus has a detachable penis that swims by itself to impregnate the female.So what lessons should we draw from all this? http://www.neatorama.com/2007/04/30/30-strangest-animal-mating-habits/

Elizabeth
9 years ago

>We should be discounting Discount's opinions?

DarkSideCat
9 years ago

>"free will deterministic ideas of individual relativism. " I think that exemplifies Discount's statements. They are bizarre ramblings so incoherant and self contradictory that it is impossible to make any semblence of a sensible position from them. Either discount lives in some place utterly free of logic and cognitive dissonance, or discount is trolling.

triplanetary
9 years ago

>men in our personal lives will simply MGTOW…we are simply walking away. So go ahead and do it already. Why are you sticking around talking to us feminazis and manginas when you could instead be going your own way?I would start by not typing "manboobz.com" into your browser anymore. The DNS chooses the way that that leads you, so you can't go your own.

Lady Victoria von Syrus

>What Elizabeth said. Just like FeministTrollQueen, Discount is telling us exactly what s/he is in the name – someone to be discounted.

Discount
9 years ago

>Lady Victoria von Syrus said…"What Elizabeth said. Just like FeministTrollQueen, Discount is telling us exactly what s/he is in the name – someone to be discounted." Lol, our debate is over it seems. Nothing to work with here but ignorance….nexttriplanetary said…"men in our personal lives will simply MGTOW…we are simply walking away. So go ahead and do it already. Why are you sticking around talking to us feminazis and manginas when you could instead be going your own way?"Lol…debate comes to an end again…nothing to work with here…nextDarkSideCat said…"free will deterministic ideas of individual relativism. " I think that exemplifies Discount's statements. They are bizarre ramblings so incoherant and self contradictory that it is impossible to make any semblence of a sensible position from them."Fail again…. These are philosophical concepts DarksideCat..You are spending to much time alone with your cats and without a man of course…nextElizabeth said…"We should be discounting Discount's opinions?"Ohhhhh more intellectual vacuity…next

Discount
9 years ago

>David Futrelle said…"All right then, I'll stick to gender relations in the animal kingdom. The male seahorse gestates and gives birth to seahorse babies. Clownfish sometimes change their sex. Male bees have exploding balls. One kind of octopus has a detachable penis that swims by itself to impregnate the female.So what lessons should we draw from all this?"FINALLY…AT LEAST SOME SORT OF PROCESS IS GOING ON UP STAIRS… Listen David, my point is simply that we are not separate from the world around us. Human beings do not exist in a vacuum apart from other processes we see in the world around us. Human beings are animals whether you like to admit it or not. We are not Gods, we are not something special beyond our adaptive trait of intelligence. My point is that we have a lot more in common with the world around us than not. My point is that we do not operate from Free Will alone and that despite what feminists will tell you there are real biological differences between male and female and different roles we play hence the existence of two genders to begin with. In fact I venture to say that men and women in many regards are opposites in every way. Despite what feminists believe we are supposed to be complimentary and operate in symbiosis. We are supposed to fit together like a glove. We are supposed to need each other. Believe me I have heard ENOUGH about "toxic masculinity". I had to sit through a semester of "women's studies" constantly being demeaned and denigrated for being male. I had to look at illustrations showing girls literally rolling their eyes at the inferior and violent male:comment image There is a reason for this David: "After analyzing the imaging data for the entire group, the researchers found that the participants showed activation in the brain's mesocorticolimbic center, the region typically associated with reward and addiction. Male brains, however, showed much greater activation, and the amount of activation was correlated with how much territory they gained. (This wasn't the case with women.) Three structures within the reward circuit – the nucleus accumbens, amygdala and orbitofrontal cortex – were also shown to influence each other much more in men than in women. And the better connected this circuit was, the better males performed in the game."The findings indicate, the researchers said, that successfully acquiring territory in a computer game format is more rewarding for men than for womencomment image If women don't like it they can go to their own land, acquire their own resources and leave men the hell alone. I will not tolerate misandrist bigotry pouring out of the mouths of women and their pseudo scientific bullshit courses that denigrate the masculine.

cboye
9 years ago

>I don't think harassment at clubs is the main reason there are so female comedians–I think it's mostly because of our cultural comedic expectations.Most people would consider things like slapstick to be just not funny if it happened to a woman. It might be considered unseemly for women to do dirty jokes or body part humor. Women very rarely mug for the camera, for whatever reason. Result: Women in comedies are virtually always the straight man (pardon the terminology). And straight men don't lend themselves to solo or stand-up comedy.But of course women can be funny. My favorite female comedian? Kristen Wiig as SNL correspondent Judy Grimes. (Just kidding!)

cboye
9 years ago

>The excessive line breaks are making Discount's comments look like beatnik poetry.

Discount
9 years ago

>cboye said…"The excessive line breaks are making Discount's comments look like beatnik poetry." Lol…I love it…Anything intelligent to add to the conversation? The line breaks occurred after copying and pasting from my blog but for you they are intentional.

Discount
9 years ago

>I hate to break it to you but women are so not funny that they had to request affirmative action be given to them because the people hosting the recent South By South West festival filled their comedy line up guest list with the funniest comedians they know…all men. They had to send some of the men home to bring women on stage. Can't women just accept male display behavior and ability for what it is instead of feeling all inferior?

Discount
9 years ago

>If I were a woman I'd be embarrassed.

Elizabeth
9 years ago

>So basically Discount believes that men are superior because they like to obtain more territory and resources regardless of consent of owner. Since women apparently do not feel the same need to be conquering bastards so therefore it is all our fault men go to war.Contradiction you make Discount.

Elizabeth
9 years ago

>And yes, I was being intentionally bizarre in my statements because your premise is bizarre.

cboye
9 years ago

>Discount, everyone else on this blog seems to have mastered the tricky art of copying and pasting without including accidental line breaks. In fact, I think the rest of us mastered this skill when we were forwarding emails around in 1998, in the nascent days of the internet.

triplanetary
9 years ago

>comment imageI don't really know what you're trying to get across here. Virtually every thread here on Manboobz has a few comments about how we feminists don't generally like gender essentialism. So none of us here are going to agree with the premise of that image. So… are you attacking us for the content of that image? Or are you just devoid of any coherent point beyond "fuck wimminz"?

ScareCrow
9 years ago

>I didn't find either one of them "creepy", just deluded or misguided.

Discount
9 years ago

>"So none of us here are going to agree with the premise of that image." Well none of you here speak the message of main stream gender feminism now do you. Am I angry yes I'm angry. I and many other men have the right to be. A movement is brewing. We are in the process of consciousness raising…a feminist term. From there comes intellectual coalescence and then propagation in our personal lives or as a class. Either way things will work themselves out of the system the good way or the bad way.

David Futrelle
9 years ago

>Discount said… "If I were a woman I'd be embarrassed."I think if you were a woman, women would be embarrassed.

Discount
9 years ago

>Well I take that back..your just backpedaling and in denial. That's what this site is about. Furthermore, David, as a homosexual man has no understanding or right to speak about relationships and understanding between men and women from the primary perspective of the heterosexual man. As such he does not speak for us nor the hetero male experience of gender relations.